Fear

What Side of the Bed Do You Get Up On?

by

When I was young, I remember my mom saying that I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, and I couldn’t figure out what she was talking about. I shared a bed with my sister and we slept on the same side every night. I was on the left. She was on the right. And what difference did that make anyway?

As I reflect, I know now that she was talking about the attitude I woke up with, and that was rarely happy. Every day seemed the same, doing what I had to do. I was mostly lonely, and it seemed like no one cared what I did. So I did what I thought I was supposed to, and that was to be good.

My definition of being good changed throughout my life. It boiled down to doing the best I could, the most I could, but that never seemed to be enough. When I needed to make a decision, I would always wonder what my parents would expect me to do. It took a long time for me to see that I could do what I wanted to do and just be responsible to me for my decisions.

Whew! What a relief! My imagination became my guide. My choices became my own. I loved who brought joy to both of us. I quit a job I thought I was supposed to do and created a business I was passionate about. I lived where it was beautiful. And I manifested a life I had only dreamed about before.

Then my husband died. I felt so empty, so blank. I struggled to find who I was without him and what was next. Gradually, the broken pieces of my heart began to mend by taking care of myself and loving myself allowing me to love someone else again.

Then my next love, my next husband, died. While mourning, I decided loving again would be impossible, that I couldn’t live through it. Gradually, the memory of how my broken heart was able to heal in the past allowed me to focus on me again. I knew I was strong and the key to living had always been taking care of me.

Contemplation and exploration of this concept stitched my heart back together allowing my love to become stronger than ever, and now, it’s me who I love.

I nourish my heart with the unconditional happiness and love that causes it to beat as I pass that love and happiness forward. I see the warmth of my smile reflected to me allowing me the great comfort of knowing I finally have figured out how to live my very best life.

Now I get up on the right side of the bed every day and am grateful for my commitment to love and happiness.

What side of the bed to you get up on? You can change that if you choose.

 

 

Blog Links

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

You can sign up for our newsletter here

What’s Going On?

by

Last night a tornado warning came across our phones and tv telling us to find shelter. I was shocked. I hadn’t heard of tornados on Hawaii before, so I researched it and discovered that Hawaii ranks 48 out of 50 states in possibility of tornados. That’s pretty low odds, so I thought I was probably safe, but it sure made me think.

All over the world we are experiencing unprecedented happenings from the volcano eruption in Iceland, to the tornado swarm in the southeast area of the United States, to the wildfires on Maui, to the huge fires in many areas of the world, to the rising temperatures worldwide, to devastating wars, to protests and picket lines, and to political division.

That’s a lot.

I woke up this morning with Marvin Gay’s song “What’s Going On” running through my head.  Melody Russel wrote in American Songwriter “The song carries a profound meaning, delving into Gaye’s fervent social and environmental apprehensions…. It was a reflection, a mirror held up to a society in turmoil.… The masterwork captures the spirit of the early 1970s, highlighting a period marked by activism, civil unrest, and a passionate call for change.”

Over 50 years later, I still don’t see the answer to Marvin Gay’s question, “What’s going on.” I keep thinking that maybe we just are hearing lots more about what’s happening with the easy access to the internet we have now. While we can’t prevent most of the natural disasters, we can work together to care for each other and our world.

While we most often deal with the grief that comes from personal loss, we all are dealing with some form of a more universal loss. Just as we need to take care of ourselves as we deal with our personal loss, it’s critical that we recognize the collective grief of our friends, our community, our country, and our world. Consider how we can hold each other up and move forward with support and loving kindness.

We have learned that If we don’t learn from history, we are doomed to repeat it. There is so much we can do to that is positive and supporting. I encourage you to think about the loss that is going on around you and choose some ways that you can make a difference, then do something. You could commit to voting, recycling, driving less, using water wisely, eliminating flammable materials from your property, or participating in community organizations. There is so much to choose from that can make a difference. Just chose something and start making a difference.

Our collective grief is softened by caring what happens to people and the planet. When we believe that our loving can change the world, it will. Let’s do this.

 

 

“What’s Going On” listen here.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance website

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief website

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here. https://a.co/d/eWNx3j1

 

The Enduring Meaning Behind Marvin Gaye’s Signature Hit “What’s Going On?”

The Enduring Meaning Behind Marvin Gaye’s Signature Hit “What’s Going On?”

Holiday Help

by

Dreading the holidays is common while grieving, but this doesn’t have to be the case for you. The length of time that’s passed from when grief started doesn’t matter. My Dad died 34 years ago, and I remember him every Christmas thinking of the Santa outfit I made him because he loved giving presents to the children. The difference is now I smile instead of cry when that memory shows up.

When you are feeling a bit fragile during the holiday season, there are many ways to help you deal with this. Taking advantage of these ideas can brighten your days. Here are some things to consider:

  • Take good care of yourself. Do whatever is right for you. Get plenty of rest. Eat well. Drink lots of water. Go for a walk. Do whatever feels best for you right now.
  • Accept or decline invitations. If you are ready to celebrate, celebrate. If you are not feeling up to being around lots of people, don’t. Or if you are lonely, find the people you would like to be with and schedule something.
  • Pay attention to your grief.  If you need to cry, take time to do that. Consider why the tears are coming at that time, and deal with whatever that is.
  • Write in your journal.  Writing a holiday letter to a loved one who has transitioned can be comforting. Most of us have several letters we could write and each one would be different. You may even experience some form of response to those you write to.
  • Appreciate what you do experience or have. Write a gratitude list that includes things like special memories you have of your loved ones at holiday time. And include things people have done for you to comfort you in your grief.
  • Spend time with people you love. Being with friends and family can be uplifting. If you can’t be present with them, call them or write them.
  • Create new memories. What new traditions can you start? Try going to special events. Or add a different menu for your holiday dinner or breakfast.
  • Ask for help if you need to, or you want support. Reach out to whoever you think would be best for you, maybe a friend, a counselor, a minister.

Focus on the joy you can experience every day. You can do this. I know you can. Allow yourself the ease and grace that allows you to live your best life.

Happy Holidays!

 

Sign up for our free self-paced class: Find Your Holiday Joy! by clicking here.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here. https://a.co/d/eWNx3j1

Paradise Lost and Found

by

We were warned that high winds would affect our Hawaiian islands as Hurricane Dora passed to the south. Living on Maui, strong Trade Winds are a common experience. Most of us keep extra water and food on hand in case of inclement weather, yet naively, most of us think we personally won’t be directly affected by disasters.

In the darkness of early morning, I was awakened by the acrid scent of smoke. Though the odor was pungent, I wasn’t anticipating fire. As I lay awake, my thoughts wandered, remembering how recently a young woman I was working with had been killed in a fire. I decided I was just being morbid, and something like that would never happen to me. Then the smoke intensified, and I got out of bed. That was the start of two days of terror.

Transfixed by the news, I found myself searching the internet and television for explanations of what was happening. Learning that strong winds were carrying away the fire that started within a couple of miles from me, relief was only temporary as I realized that friends of mine were potentially in its path. What we call the “coconut wireless” rushed into action. Phone calls, texts, and emails between friends and acquaintances abounded, all starting with “Are you OK?”

We learned the close fire was not the only one.  There we at least two more fires. And everyone was touched by the terror flowing through our beautiful paradise. By the evening, we were glued to the television, watching the continuing live coverage. Learning that the fire in Lahaina, which had been declared contained, rebounded and was in the process of obliterating the historical center of Hawai’i.

I finally fell asleep at about 2 AM,  and at 4:30 AM, the messages and texts started pouring in. All were wanting to know, “Are you OK?” I could only answer from my limited perspective of what I had heard or seen so far. When looking out my window into the dark, I knew I was OK, whatever that meant. With approximately 145,000 people living on the island, I could only speak for myself, and while I was traumatized and confused, I had no idea how everyone else felt.

With daylight came news and pictures of the destruction, things no one ever wants to see or hear. People fled into the ocean to escape the flames. Our majestic Banyan tree blackened. The whole town of Lahaina flattened. Hundreds of homes were destroyed. Missing loved ones and pets. And the question changed from “Are you OK,” to “What can I do?” The answer is, please do something.

I have discovered so much Aloha, Hawaiian for love. Now I see the love and strength of the Ohana (family) of Maui residents coming together however we can help and support everyone

affected by these tragic fires. While we seemed to be losing this tropical paradise, we find it is still here in our treasured Ohana. The fires are still burning. We still need your help and will continue to need help as we recover. And we will welcome you back with Aloha when we recover from this devastation.

Mahalo for your generosity.

 

Please see the ideas listed below.

Please donate to any of these sources:

 Fundraiser for Maui Food Bank Inc by Emily Thiroux Threatt   The donations here all provide food directly to those who have lost everything.

https://www.facebook.com/donate/1086101339024980/

The Hawaiʻi Community Foundation started a Maui Strong Fund to support residents affected by the wildfires, which firefighting crews continue to battle in Lahaina, Pulehu/Kīhei and Upcountry areas. Donations can be made at www.hawaiicommunityfoundation.org/maui-strong.

Maui Collective Contributors

Maui United Way is accepting donations to its Maui Fire and Disaster Relief fund at https://mauiunitedway.org/disasterrelief.

Embracing Compass Maui & Big Island

Our hearts are with our Maui and the Big Island communities right now facing the devastating wildfires. To help, members of our Compass family are coming together in support of those impacted — many of whom are Compass agents, employees and families of our community. Thank you for considering a donation that directly supports our Compass Hawaii team.

https://www.gofundme.com/f/embracing-compass-maui-big-island?utm_campaign=p_cp+share-sheet&utm_content=undefined&utm_medium=social&utm_source=instagram_feed&utm_term=undefined

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

Wanting

by

When you want something, you don’t have it. That may sound like a simple sentence, yet it is so important.  Think about when you have used the word “want.” I want a vacation. I want some apple pie.  I want someone to love.  What is common in all these sentences is what you don’t have.

If you say, “I want to feel better,” what you get is the “wanting” of feeling better. You won’t feel better when you are still wanting to.  When you say, “I feel better,” what happens? You feel better. You have given yourself instructions that you are following.

Something similar happens when you use the word “have.”  I caught myself saying, “I have a headache.” Now why would I want a headache? Saying, “I am happy that I feel great,” allows you the space to feel great.

I often hear the phrase, “Be careful what you wish for,” which applies here. When you say, “I want” or “I wish,” that’s what you get.  If you say, “I want to take a class,” that’s just a wish. Signing up for a class and attending that class makes it happen.  If you say, “I don’t want to feel this way,” you focus on the negative. Try saying something like, “I am feeling better every day.”

Try this: whenever you catch yourself saying “I want” or “I have,” turn that sentence around so you start it with. “I am.”  When you proclaim who you are, that’s what you get. I often write in my journal things like, “I am strong,” or “I am healthy,” or “I am loved unconditionally,” and guess what happens? I recognize I am strong, healthy, and loved unconditionally!

Pay attention to when you say, “I want” or “I have.” When you do say things like that, stop yourself, and turn around what you said to something positive and present. You will be so glad you did.

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

Waiting

by

Monday I was scheduled to take a flight to a neighboring island. I arrived at the airport at noon, and I arrived at my destination at 8 PM. The actual flight took 25 minutes. While we did board the jet on time, that’s where the waiting started. Most of my day was spent waiting. In the past I know I would have been antsy and impatient, worrying about when I would arrive, if I would miss what I was taking the trip for, and everything else my busy mind would come up with. I noticed people getting angry, missing flights, and complaining endlessly.

As I sat in the jet on the tarmac waiting to take off, time seemed to slow down. My mind did wander to the reports I had heard of jets rapidly losing altitude causing injuries after they took off from our airport, but as soon as I noticed that was where my mind was going, I changed my thoughts. I was traveling with a friend, and we had time for a long, wonderful conversation. After a couple of hours waiting, we had to deplane. There was chaos in the waiting area, and much more waiting before we boarded a different flight and took off.

As I listened to all the angry people, I found myself smiling and thinking how grateful I was that our initial flight didn’t take off discovering the mechanical problem while we were in the air. The positive thinking I do now is such a gift. I am grateful to not be going down those rabbit holes I used to travel being overwhelmed by the what-if’s. I had other instances of waiting on my short trip, and I observed many seemingly bored people glued to their phones in need of constant stimulation. I do use my phone as my hand-held computer, but I do less and less of that which feels freeing, and I am not constantly driven to do something.

I used my waiting time on my short trip to quietly daydream, exploring ideas I could write about in this blog. I also thought of creations I would like to draw and photographs I’d like to take. I thought of places I could travel and friends I’d like to make. My gratitude flowed as I thought how lovely my yard has become and how much I love where I live. I ended up feeling grateful for this waiting time. I was relaxed and inspired and smiling when I arrived home.

When grieving, waiting can be detrimental. People wait for their front door to be opened by their loved one even when they know that can’t happen. They wait for the phone to ring. They wait for the time to pass until they will feel better. They wait for their life to change. They wait to join their dearly departed loved ones.  So much waiting can lead to sadness and depression. If you notice this is happening with you, you can take steps to rise up from this rut.  While you don’t have to be constantly busy, making constructive use of your time will help you focus on what is good and lovely about your life.

How do you handle your waiting time?

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here