Fear

Stumbling Through Grief

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How would you describe the path for your grief?  Does it seem like there should be a map or a guidebook or a plan that says “First you do this. Then that. Then you go through something else. And after a while it’s done.” When you look at it like that, it sounds silly.  And the one thing grief is not for sure is silly.

There are no classes we can take or books that we can read or lectures we can listen to that will have us completely prepared for the grief we face. And grieving for one loved one is not going to be the same as grieving for the next loved one to die. Trust me. I know.  I have grieved and am grieving for way too many people. But we do need to accept that grieving is a part of life, something we can’t get out of.  We may try to ignore it, but that doesn’t work so well.

Take a moment to think about how you were affected by grief for the first person you really loved died. For me it was my grandmother. When I was growing up, I spent much time staying with my grandmother as my parents frequently traveled for commitments to an organization, they were both devoted to. I’ve got to admit that I was a bit jealous of that organization because I wanted them to pay that attention to me, but they didn’t seem to have time. And I realize I reflected that I resented my grandmother, not for anything she did, but simply because she wasn’t them.

My grandmother lived alone.  We had just moved into a house where my mother didn’t want to live, and we were struggling.  I had a nightmare one night about my grandmother, and I tried to convince my mom to call grandma to be sure she was OK.  For two days I asked her. Then mom finally went to check on her two days later.  We were told that she had probably died a couple of days before, alone. I was so distraught. That haunted me for years.  I kept thinking I should have done something. I made up scenarios of what could have happened so that she wouldn’t have to die.

I was an adult before I realized that I couldn’t have done something at my age, but I carried that experience for many years, worrying about anyone I thought might die.  Early experiences can color our view of death and dying and mourning. Then AIDS happened, and since I was so involved in the arts, I actually lost count of how many people I loved or admired that disappeared from my life. And working as an ambulance attendant and a nurse, people just kept dying.

I realize now that I handled each death in my life experience differently, and I think we all do. And I carried forward what I learned from these experiences. Sometimes I was heartbroken, and other times I was frustrated or empty. At times I felt sad or felt I did something wrong or not as kind as it should have been, but I learned from those instances, and I did better the next time. I’ve stumbled through the process of letting people go, not willingly losing them. And I recognize now that I did the best I could with what I knew at the time, and I have forgiven myself for any errors I perceived in the process.

I now am comfortable with the knowledge that we all experience so much loss in our lives, and that loss can make us more aware of how precious each moment is. I now focus on and practice and experience all that I do through the lens of kindness, comfort, support, and especially love and happiness. My wish for you is that you focus on what you do have now and all the love and wonder you have experienced to make each moment of your life the best it can be. Release the stumbling, be easy on yourself, and move forward. The deeper we fall, the higher we can soar.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Letting Go

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Letting go can be the hardest thing we do in life. Holding on can be the most detrimental.

My single-minded purpose in life for many years has been to love and be loved. I put that into action fully during the years Ron and I were together. By focusing on love, I learned to let love guide me. The more I loved, the more love I had to give. I discovered that as I approached something that seemed to be a problem with love, the problem faded away.

After Ron died, I had a major problem. I didn’t know what to do. My life had been structured around Ron’s needs for so long, I hadn’t been paying attention to taking care of me.  I started writing about my problem in my journal, and the more I focused on having a problem, the bigger the problem became.  This is the opposite of what I was searching for.  I realized that to deal with the problem, I needed to release it.

At the top of my journal page, I wrote “How am I supposed to live without you.” As soon as I wrote that down, the lyrics of Michael Bolton’s song flooded my mind:

How am I supposed to live without you?

And how am I supposed to carry on?

When all that I’ve been living for is gone

That last line hit me hard. I had structured my life around all that needed to be done for Ron to live the best life he could. I don’t regret that at all, and I am grateful I was able to do it. Yet now I realized I had left me out of the equation. And with that realization, I recognized that everything was different, and it was time for me to adjust. Now was the time for me to take good care of myself.

My journal and I became good friends during this time as I wrote about the changes I was experiencing. As I wrote, I saw that I did love myself, but I had not been doing anything to demonstrate that. Just loving wasn’t enough. Action was required. In my writing, I would discover things I could do to nurture that self-love. I addressed what came up one thing at a time, and I gently took care of myself.

I realized that my home was filled with things Ron and I shared.  I started by committing to clean out one drawer or shelf every day.  By doing just one cleaning task at a time, I prevented overwhelm.  If I operated like I had throughout my life, I would have started cleaning, reorganizing, and releasing and continued till exhaustion, probably not completing what I started. By so this one step at a time, I had a chance to remember the significance of things and see the things that were not of significance for me.

Ron had so many books.  Many of the books were on topics I would never read, so I started releasing them.  I filled one grocery bag full at a time. I wrote on each bag where the book would be going. Many of the books went to one friend who was studying what many of the books were about. A great deal of the books went to the Friends of the Library bookstore. By doing one bag at a time, I didn’t become overwhelmed with the task.  This process took months, and that was OK because there was no reason to rush.

Ron loved to collect art, some valuable, most not. I went to visit a friend one day who is an artist. Her walls were covered with her beautiful paintings and photographs. I realized that this art would make me smile, so I purchased several of her works.  I removed some of the works Ron had for many years before me and gave them to a friend wo had the perfect place to display them. Now I have the freshness and beauty of my friend’s art to enjoy every day.

I also was able to clear out his office in our house and freshen it with new paint and counter tops.  This created a pleasant small apartment in my home with its own entrance. Creating this space brought in a lovely new neighbor for me and helped to pay my mortgage now that Ron’s income was gone.

Look around you. What can you change, give away, recycle, or discard that would make room for new memories? What could give you a fresh start? I loved how my home looked before I started this process, and I love it equally now. In the journey of this transformation, I also release feelings and habits that no longer serve me. Moving forward only occurs as your release the anchor that has you clinging to the past. I know that the only thing that is constant is change. I changed what I wanted to when I was ready to, and I am still changing. I always will be.

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Are You Dealing With Fear?

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“There are only two emotions: love and fear.”

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Throughout time, many philosophers and psychiatrists have said that the only two emotions are love and fear. There is even scientific research agreeing with that theory.  Kathleen Seeley told me that we are only born with two fears: fear of falling and a fear of loud noises.  Those two fears are part of what comes naturally to us to protect us. Any other fears are what we create or imagine.

I grew up with a terrifying fear of heights.  I convinced myself that the fear had been created by a fall I had out of a second story window when I was four years old. Even though I was that young, I still have vivid memories. I was criticized and made fun of because of my fear, and I even had a friend try to cure me by walking me to the edge of a balcony to show me that I had nothing to be afraid of.  It didn’t work.

I have worn glasses much of my life partially for a significant astigmatism so when I heard that Lasik eye surgery could fix that, I was thrilled to have it done. The surgery is done under local anesthetic, so when it was completed, I got up off the operating and had a miraculous experience.  Suddenly, the floor was where it was supposed to be.  I am sure that sounds strange, but I realized all my life I had been seeing though something like glasses with funhouse lenses causing me to perceive each step I took as stepping over the edge of a sharply bent floor.  At that moment I realized that my fear was not real. This caused me to look at my life differently, and to question when I started to feel fear.

I suggest that you think about anything that you feel afraid about and see if you can figure out what causes that fear and if it is something you can release. This can change your life.  I had the pleasure of attending a day long workshop with Byron Katie.  She taught us all how to do what she calls The Work. She developed this powerful method of questioning what you are feeling or believing that can be transformational for you.  Her questions are:

  1. Is it true? (Yes or no? If no, move to 3.)
  2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true? (Yes or no.)
  3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
  4. Who or what would you be without the thought?”

You can find exactly how to do The Work by visiting her website: https://thework.com/

Fear is common in grief. A few things you might fear are:

  • Living by yourself for the first time.
  • Being responsible for taking care of your home, your car
  • Going out socially alone
  • Have no one to sleep with at night
  • A concern for having enough money or losing your medical insurance
  • Having no one to share your life with

You may not have even thought about these things in the context of fear, yet this is all fear. And the good news is, you can do something to change how you are feeling.  A good start would be to use Byron Katie’s The Work.  Or you can start by writing in your journal all the things that you are afraid of now, and what you can consciously release just by discovering that you have that fear.

In my case, after Ron died, I started reviewing how my life was different.  I was relieved to discover how grateful I was that I had learned how to release fear from Ron and Byron Katie, and that I am choosing to live in a state of love instead of in a state of fear. A quote I love by Jack Canfield is: “Feel the fear and take action anyway.”

And I love this quote from Rumi:

“If you want the moon, do not hide from the night. If you want a rose, do not run from the thorns. If you want love, do not hide from yourself.”