healthy coping mechanisms

Be The Light

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We tend to be influenced by the people around us.  When someone is in a bad mood, do you feel that affecting you? Or when your companions are laughing and smiling, do you smile along? When I worked in the Emergency Room at the hospital, when I had to give someone sad news and they cried, I cried right along with them. That’s pretty normal behavior to act like those around you.

When I realized that even though I was grieving, I still could be happy, I discovered how important smiling is to me. While I was pretty good at smiling along with others, smiling on my own turned from a challenge to a pleasure. The best thing about that is when people smile along with me.

If you tend to be negative or if smiling on your own is hard for you to do, try seeking out joy. Where can you find it? Maybe there is a tv show that makes you laugh out loud, or you have a friend who tells the best jokes. Or when you see beautiful flowers blooming in the spring, or you see a rainbow, does your smile come naturally? Fill your mind with positive emotions and allow your smile to follow.

I’ve heard people say, “I’m grieving. I don’t have anything to smile about.” Chances are that person would have something they could smile about it they allowed it. When you see a baby or your child smiling or laughing, responding with a smile is natural. You would have to fight it to not smile, so just let go. There is nothing wrong with smiling while you are grieving.

When you smile, your brightness shines, and that will bring the beautiful light to those around you.  So, be the light and your smile will be reflected!

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Grief and Happiness Handbook

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Dream Builder Life Coach

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Let’s Go to the Movies

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On an interview about her new movie, Sally Field was talking about how it was to work with an Octopus. Then she mentioned that the plot was about a widow dealing with grief, so I decided to watch Remarkably Bright Creatures, and I am so glad I did. The movie is beautifully done, and I was in love with Marcellis, the octopus, by the end. The movie is fresh and beautiful and allows you to feel for both the widow and for Marcellis.

It seems that most movies and television series have grief intertwined either in the main plot or in subplots. Many times, watching about someone else’s loss or sadness allow your tears to flow which can be a welcome release while you are grieving. Has that happened to you? Think about shows you have seen that have grief as the plot or subplot. Here are a few movies, some oldies and some new, to consider:

Steel Magnolias

The Whale

Collateral Beauty

The Descendants

The Big Chill

Ordinary People

Our Souls at Night

Titanic

A Star is Born

Marly and Me

Terms of Endearment

Beaches

Life is Beautiful

The Notebook

Beasts of the Southern Wild

Lion

Moonlight

E T

Toy Story 2

Me and Earl and the Dying Girl

Sophie’s Choice

Old Yeller

Million Dollar Baby

The Color Purple

Pieces of a Woman

The Farewell

Drive My Car

Monster

If Beale Street Could Talk

Up

Bambi

The Lion King

Frozen

Coco

Lilo and Stich

How many of these have you watched? What kinds of emotions did you feel?  Did it feel like it helped you?  What television shows have you watched that were about grief in some way? I’d love to see your comments about this?

Be sure to watch Remarkably Bright Creatures. Click here for a short preview.

You Can Make Decisions

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Do you ever have trouble making up your mind? Maybe you’re not sure which ice cream flavor to choose. Or maybe you don’t know if you want to play pickleball today. Or you don’t know who to vote for. When the fog rolls over your decision-making process, you have trouble giving a simple answer, and this just leads to frustration for you as well as the person you are talking to. This situation often occurs to someone who is grieving.

I went through a time where I simply could not give yes or no answers. The questions didn’t seem important enough for me to think about. My loved one died. Nothing else mattered — except it did.

When the time comes when you do have to decide on something, be easy on yourself. Don’t rush.  Find and weigh the pros and cons of a potential answer, then make your decision mindfully. You may be saying, “I know all this.” And maybe your do, but don’t fool yourself. Just do the best you can at the time.

There will come a time when the fog lifts and you can see clearly. Look forward to this and know that it is coming your way. One day you will realize that you have stepped up out of the fog. Cherish this discovery knowing you are making progress in working through your grief. Every day can be brighter than the last one when you focus on the peace and light ahead of you, and you make clear solid decisions on the way.

Enjoy your journey!

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Grief and Happiness Handbook

Grief and Happiness Cards

Grief and Happiness weekly Free Gatherings

[email protected]

Dream Builder Life Coach

Life Master Consultantant

Peace Above the Clouds

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In the last year I have traveled more than I have for a long time. Because I live on an island, traveling includes flying. I always choose the window seat because I love the view. When I travel long distances, that view is generally looking down at the top of the clouds and out at the crystal blue sky. As those around me pull down their window shades to stare at their screens, to play games, to watch movies, or to work, I find peace by enjoying the beauty I discover above the clouds.

I love to meditate, and finding a peaceful place to not be disturbed isn’t always easy. I used to think that I had to be in complete silence to enter a deep meditative state, but lately I notice that including soft music in the background guides me to the perfect peace I am seeking. I don’t include any songs with words because my monkey mind loves to sing along.

When I am not traveling somewhere, I can easily find this peace at home in an upright chair by putting my feet flat on the floor, tuning into into that soft music, and drifting off to that incredibly beautiful and peaceful place above the clouds. Then I silently repeat to myself the Dali Lama’s Loving Kindness Meditation:

May I be happy

May I live in peace

May all things work together for good for me

May I be loved

I repeat his words like a mantra until I am totally at ease. At this point, I can sit in silence for as long as I am moved to, or I may focus on a word like joy, peace, or love. This exquisite experience allows me to be centered and open to all that is good in my life. I can stay at this point, or I can choose to focus on an issue I am dealing with, a question I would like an answer to, or all that I am grateful for.

Where is your peaceful place, or will you create one? Do you meditate, or are you starting your own practice? What benefits do you look forward to as you take time for yourself every day? Celebrate your uniqueness and take the best care of your precious self.

 

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Grief and Happiness Handbook

Grief and Happiness Cards

Grief and Happiness weekly Free Gatherings

[email protected]

Dream Builder Life Coach

Life Master Consultantant

It’s About Time

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Taking a bite of a stale piece of bread is so disappointing. Going stale easily sneaks up on you, or actually, it snuck on me, without my noticing. Since my husband Jacques died 20 years ago and my husband Ron died 9 years ago, I’ve lost other relatives and friends too and became immersed in helping others deal with grief and find happiness at the same time. While I am thrilled to find my purpose in doing all that entailed, I realize I’ve become a bit of a bore.

In the last year I have started broadening my horizons. I love to write and continue to write my blog every week and write our Grief and Happiness Newsletter. I also facilitate our weekly writing group with help from my friends Judy and Phil. Yet I found myself yearning for freshness, and I am so glad I did. I attended a women’s retreat with Karen Drucker on Kaua’i. I spent a week with my dear friends Fontaine and Michael.

And my dear friend Charmin came to visit me on Maui. I attended to business at my Ambulance company in California. I went on a cruise to Alaska with old and new friends. I started attending a gathering of friends who paint watercolors together, and another group of friends who go to theatre and concerts together.

This year I am planning a fabulous concert with my great friend Rickie Byars in Maui and am planning a beautiful retreat with my good friend Michael Sudman on the Big Island of Hawaii. And Sadie Beil and I are ramping up for our next From Mouring to Light international summit on Zoom with great new guests and topics.

As I write this blog, I am flying back from Pacentro and Rome in Italy where I went to celebrate a big birthday with Sadie and meet some new, great friends: Greg, Mel, Pietro, Karen, and Will. Besides a delightful birthday party, we went on spontaneous adventures like visiting the snow, cooking great food together, discovering new coffee drinks, and best of all having deep, meaningful talks as we got to know each other while we lived together in a Medieval village on the side of a mountain! Pieotro, Sadie’s husband, introduced us to so much to see and we discovered Rome from an Italian’s perspective instead of like tourists.

I am sharing all this to encourage you to think about what you are doing. What have you always wanted to do? Who do you want to do something with? Where do you want to go?  I encourage you to write in your journal exploring these questions. I’ve got a concert, a retreat, and a summit I would like to see you come to. And the Grief and Happiness Alliance Nonprofit Organization is gearing up a membership drive we could use help with as well as other fun plans.

So, dream big. Make a plan. Create new experiences and make new friends! And have so much fun doing what you want to! You can always feel even better than you do right now!

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Grief and Happiness Handbook

Grief and Happiness Cards

Grief and Happiness weekly Free Gatherings

[email protected]

Dream Builder Life Coach

Life Master Consultant

Touch

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I was reading while lying on my back in bed. I had my computer propped up so that I didn’t have to hold it. My left hand rested gently on my chest while my right hand covered my left with my fingertips gently brushing my wrist as I breathed in and out.  I had been in this position for a while before I thought about it. I was self-soothing without thinking about it. In that moment, I recognized how much I missed being touched.

A memory returned to me of when I was working way too many hours.  I would come home exhausted and collapse on the couch. When I awakened, my husband had covered me with a blanket and sat next to me placing my head gently in his lap and resting his hand on my shoulder. I felt so close to him in that silent moment.  It’s been years since he died, yet I still recall those precious moments of his warm loving touch.

Oh, how I miss a loving embrace or a slow dance in the kitchen when I was fixing diner or holding hands as we went for a walk. I am grateful for the nights when he comes to me in a dream and we touch once again. It’s just not the same, though.  Sometimes I write in my journal and conger intimate times of skin touching skin, but that often just brings tears.

For now, I will relish the precious memories on the love transmuted though physical touch in the past remembering the electric charge that comes invisibly from one heart to another.

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Grief and Happiness Handbook

Grief and Happiness weekly Free Gatherings

[email protected]

Dream Builder Life Coach

Life Master Consultant