healthy coping mechanisms

Rushing

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Most of my life I have been in a rush. Everything was a rush, from struggling to get up early enough in the morning, to rushing to work, often slowing down to grab something I could eat in the car. That pace would continue all day through all my obligations that varied every day. Often, I would struggle to remember what the time was for each meeting or class I had to attend. Not taking time to check in with my husband was I habit I learned to regret.

I would arrive home at the end of my day, and my sweet Jacques would make something for me to eat like a grilled cheese sandwich and a bowl of ice cream. If I didn’t fall asleep while eating, we would share how our days had gone. And the next day all that would repeat. Those days, I was either teaching at the university or running my own business, and participating in public service, being on committees, and so much more.

I rarely took time to catch my breath. Then my husband’s heart started to fail. My focus shifted from everything I was doing to taking care of him. I went from operating on fumes most of the time to consciously sitting with him when he had the energy to so we could have long, interesting conversations.

What broke my heart was the realization that all my rushing to get things done had taken me away from the precious time we could have shared. I was happy to care for him and to meet his needs the best I could, while at the same time I found I was living with regret. If I hadn’t been so busy earlier in our marriage, we could have enjoyed each other so much more. While difficult because of his health, those last two years with him were precious. We were married 22 years.

I thought I would never marry again, but I met Ron and we fell in love easily. I had learned my lesson of how rushing didn’t serve me or anyone I was dealing with, so I did gradually slow down. We would spend cool early mornings outside our home not far from the beach sitting by the warm fire of the chimenea. We would read to each other, meditate, and plan how we would be spending our life together. We spent ten wonderful years together taking time to enjoy the moments.

Now I have spent nine years as a widow, and I’m doing so well. By learning how to take my time, I find joy in my moments, and I love that. If you are in a hurry, please slow down. Breathe deeply. Spend time outside. Enjoy the beauty of nature. And make the most of all the moments of your life.

 

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Find Light

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I recently saw the statement, “In the darkness, you’ll also find light.” This reminded me of grief. So often, especially in early grief, we can feel that we are sitting in darkness. I remember days like that where I could sit for hours just feeling unhappy and lonely until one day I said to myself “Enough!” I thought my husbands, my parents, and all my loved ones who had already died would be disappointed in my behavior. And I knew it was time for me to be positive and productive and discover the light in my life.

I went outside, found a comfortable place to sit, closed my eyes, and turned my face to the sun. I felt it’s warmth in this process called sunning and chose to sit there and meditate. I focused on what I could do to feel fulfilled, what would cause me to wake in the morning excited to interact with people and find significant ways to help them. This process led me to discoverer my new life’s purpose of helping people with their grief to find ways to discover happiness in the process.

Finding light can also come in small doses.  Try holding a baby or watching puppies play. Or ask someone to go on a walk with you to someplace beautiful like a botanical garden, by a stream, lake, or beach. Go to an art gallery or a museum. Go to the theatre or to a concert. Volunteer someplace you care about like a food pantry, a youth organization, an animal shelter, or a nonprofit organization.

You can also find light in more personal ways. Try reading good books or maybe join a book group or even write a book. I wrote and published books which not only helped me in the process, but the books also now help others dealing with grief, and that brings me joy! If you love to cook, try taking meals to people who would enjoy a home cooked meal. Or cut some flowers from your garden to share. I smile remembering flowers friend would bring to me.

There is so much light and joy out there! Take advantage of it for you or share it and enjoy its reflection. Try being the light!

 

 

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Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

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Are You Lonely?

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Of all the challenges that people face while grieving, the one I hear the most about is loneliness. This can happen before and or after the death of a loved one.  As we get older, most often we become less social because often it is just too hard. Maybe you can’t drive and don’t have transportation. Maybe you feel you don’t have the energy to go anyplace. Maybe you have lost touch with your friends and maybe even with your family. I am sure you can think of even more excuses. The good news is you can do something to negate all these excuses.

Do you find yourself sitting alone in your home bemoaning the fact that no one is with you? Try calling a friend. If they live nearby, invite them to visit you or arrange to meet them for coffee or lunch. They may be lonely too and would love to spend sone time with you. I have a neighbor who I am in contact with every day. She’ll bring her little dog to visit or she’ll come to see if I have an ingredient she next to follow a recipe she wants to try. I always welcome her visits, and I am grateful for the way we care for each other.

What would you love to do? I am now doing watercolor painting with friends every week. I love spending time with them as much as I enjoy painting. One member of that group invited me to join a group she is in who attend plays and concerts together, and I love that. We even go out to dinner together after the matinees. I have another friend that I attend film festivals with and we also take online painting classes together.

Being around other people who you enjoy is very important. Staying home by yourself all the time can be very lonely and even dangerous. Dr. Julianne Holt-Lundstad, director of Brigham Young University’s Social Connection & Health Lab says, “Isolation and loneliness have been found to harm health as much or more than smoking 15 cigarettes a day.” This statement startled me and makes me feel good about my commitment to stay connected.

What can you do now to stay connected?

 

 

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What Do You See?

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So many times, we automatically choose to see the negative view of things like Debbie Downer on Saturday Night Live. She just never saw things that were positive. That is an easy trap to fall into when you are already feeling low like when you are grieving. The good news is, when you pay attention and catch yourself going down that dark path, you can put on the brakes and choose to look at things differently.

I went through a long period in early grief where I knew no one wanted to be around me. I thought of myself as a black widow who was poisonous to others around me who weren’t grieving. Now I wonder why that ever came to my mind. I started paying attention to my thoughts and choosing people I would like to visit or make friends with. I realized I could control my destiny, so that is what I do now.

What are you seeing now?

Henry David Thoreau said: “It is not what you look at that matters, it is what you see.”

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

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Dream

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Dreams that come while sleeping come in an unlimited variety. They can be from memories, from desires, from sadness, from joy, or from and entirely unknown source. They range from terrifying to incredible happiness. While they can affect our lives in some ways, the more powerful dreams that we have come from while we are awake.

In the daylight we can actively dream about whatever we want to. We can create in our mind the life we would love to live, then go on to create that life. I dreamed when I was in college that I would be a writer. I planted that seed when I was in a writing class.  At the time, I didn’t judge that dream, and I didn’t dwell on it, but it remained in my mind occasionally reminding me to write a bit about something.

Ironically, before I did much writing, I was hired to teach a writing class at the community college. I learned much about writing, and about what not to write, by grading endless writing assignments. And I stared writing more myself. I’d dream in my journal about what I would love to do and how I loved to do whatever that was, and it frequently changed. And I loved teaching writing so much that I was hired to teach writing at a university.

One dream came true in an unexpected way. I had a representative of Prentice Hall Publishing drop by my office one day to convince me to order a book he was selling for my class. I told him he didn’t have anything I wanted. Startled, he said “What do you want?” I described to him how I was frequently the only person who was not from a different country or different culture.  All the books he offered were by old, white men. My students needed writing examples from a variety of people. He said “That’s just what we’ve be looking for! Will you write it for us?” I said yes, and my textbook writing career began.

That little seed I’d planted years before had started to grow without me even realizing it. I’ve gone on to write 5 more books after that, taught writing at a university for 30 years, and now I encourage people to write through their grief to bring them comfort and realize happiness.

What dreams have you dreamed that have come true? What dreams are you dreaming about now? Whatever your dreams are, write them in your journal and maybe even tell a friend. The more you focus on a dream, the more likely it is to come true. There is no limit to what to dream about. Just dream.

Dream bigger than you can ever imagine.

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Grief and Happiness Handbook

Grief and Happiness Cards

Grief and Happiness weekly Free Gatherings

[email protected]

Dream Builder Life Coach

Life Master Consultantant

Vagueness

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We’ve all heard “Whatever happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas,” but I heard “Whatever happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness,” and that made me think.  Am I living in vagueness?  In early grief I certainly was.

I remember that even though I live on Maui with radiant tropical flowers and spectacular sunsets, everything seemed grey and lifeless. What had been my favorite foods had little taste.  When people talked around me, their words seemed to run together and not related to anything in particular. I sometimes turned the television on just for background noise, and that’s all it was: noise.

After a while, I started realizing that not paying attention to the world and beauty wasn’t serving me, and that I was the only one who could do something about that. I started going on walks, just around the neighborhood.  I made it my goal to discover something I had not seen before every time I went out. I would take time with that. I smelled the fresh fragrances and took pictures on my phone of the vibrant colors.

I also started eating different foods like the tropical fruits at the Farmer’s Market. I played different music genres and found a wide variety of music I enjoyed that I was surprised by. As time passed, I found myself talking to different people than I had known before and contacting old friends too.

As I acclimated to my now solo life, I saw that it was more lovely than I thought it would be.  The color returned as the vagueness floated away. The color came back to my cheeks and I even started smiling. Grief takes time, but with patience, we can move back out into the sunlight.

Are you living in vagueness, or you ready to smell the flowers?

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Grief and Happiness Handbook

Grief and Happiness Cards

Grief and Happiness weekly Free Gatherings

[email protected]

Dream Builder Life Coach

Life Master Consultantant