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Touch

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I was reading while lying on my back in bed. I had my computer propped up so that I didn’t have to hold it. My left hand rested gently on my chest while my right hand covered my left with my fingertips gently brushing my wrist as I breathed in and out.  I had been in this position for a while before I thought about it. I was self-soothing without thinking about it. In that moment, I recognized how much I missed being touched.

A memory returned to me of when I was working way too many hours.  I would come home exhausted and collapse on the couch. When I awakened, my husband had covered me with a blanket and sat next to me placing my head gently in his lap and resting his hand on my shoulder. I felt so close to him in that silent moment.  It’s been years since he died, yet I still recall those precious moments of his warm loving touch.

Oh, how I miss a loving embrace or a slow dance in the kitchen when I was fixing diner or holding hands as we went for a walk. I am grateful for the nights when he comes to me in a dream and we touch once again. It’s just not the same, though.  Sometimes I write in my journal and conger intimate times of skin touching skin, but that often just brings tears.

For now, I will relish the precious memories on the love transmuted though physical touch in the past remembering the electric charge that comes invisibly from one heart to another.

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Grief and Happiness Handbook

Grief and Happiness weekly Free Gatherings

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Dream Builder Life Coach

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Endings and Beginnings

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“Grief is not the end of a story, Sometimes, it is the beginning of another.” Barry Hoffner

 

I had two husbands, Jacques and Ron. Coincidentally, they both had congestive heart failure which led to kidney failure which led to dialysis which led to their deaths. I spent their last two years with each of them at home or at their hospital bedsides. Besides these commonalities, they were as different as they could be. And I didn’t know that either of them would end up with the health conditions they had to deal with.

Jacques was such a positive person. His hearty laugh brightened every day. No matter how much he was dealing with, he always found something that amused him. His joy was contagious and we went through his health challenges together. Ron was also positive but in a different way. He started each morning early outside listening to the birds and he meditated and prayed. Joining him on the lanai, the serenity was palpable and, we had such deep conversations that always ended with mutual smiles.

As time went on, more and more health challenges presented. Both were tolerant and did not complain. Those challenges inspired me to savor each moment with them and do what I could to make whatever happened to them the best it could be. These were the times that I would consider my future, and both times it felt blank.  I couldn’t imagine living on my own.

When Jacques died, my childhood friend Yvone stayed with me for a few months. She had helped me care for Jacques, and when he was gone, she helped me find a new home to start a new life. Then she moved away and I discovered what it was really like to be alone. I was lost. What I missed most was his laugh and kindness. I listened to music we loved and listened to together, and I read lots of books. I finally realized I didn’t have to be alone, so I started volunteering to help others. I also accepted invitations, something I didn’t realize I had been avoiding. I noticed I had created a new beginning, and I started to move forward.

After Jaques died, I had decided I wouldn’t date and I definitely would never marry again. The thought of having another husband die was terrifying and I couldn’t allow myself the possibility. Then I met Ron. He was so different from anyone I had known, and I found myself falling deeply in love, but it was different this time. I found myself feeling like even though Jaques died, I didn’t feel unmarried no matter what wedding vows said. Ron was patient for four years, and then we finally got married.

Not long after we were wed, Ron started having health problems.  We dealt with all that happened together. When the end neared, we didn’t talk about it much and I knew he was ready to stop dealing with all the pain. As much as I knew it was coming, I still felt like I was in a state of shock when he transitioned. He had always encouraged me to live my best life, and while that sounded good, it wasn’t easy.

I journaled constantly until I discovered how much writing was helping me. When I started helping others to write about their grief, I knew I had found my life’s purpose.

I have traveled through ending and beginnings multiple times each in its own context. I am happy now and know that whatever comes my way in life, I can handle it with love and compassion every step along the way.

 

“Maybe the best things in life don’t arrive by plan, but by grace, when we are open enough to receive them.” Barry Hoffner.

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Grief and Happiness Handbook

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Flexability

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I have been living through the 100-year storm in Hawaii in March of 2026. I am grateful that I live up-country where a great drainage system is built-in, so we aren’t experiencing the landslides and flooding prevalent on much of the island. Many trees have blown down or have lost branches. As I watch out my window, I am amazed by how far strong branches will bend until some of them snap and blow away.

I have been thinking about how a storm like this can be nature’s way of grieving.  I observe trees as they bend and sway in their artful dances. They remind me of early grief when our hearts and minds bounce around, straining as far as they as they possibly could. We experience chaos in our bodies wondering if we can take another breath. At some time, the wind dies down. Slowly. As we catch our breath, we start to see the mess left behind.

As we pick through the rubble, we toss the sharply broken pieces into the trash and search for what we want to save. Parts of our grief are weakened by being stretched so far. As we remember the warm hugs and gentle touch of our loved one, we crave them longing for the comfort of their presence. Discarding what is broken is so hard to do.

Not all is broken though. Parts of ourselves feel stretched to their limits, yet they can heal. As the storm wanes, it’s time to be gentle with ourselves. Practice loving self-care. Take naps when you need to, and notice as the sun starts to shine through the clouds. Recognize all the shades of green as your start to see them on your walk.

The world has weathered major storms throughout history, and the world is still here. Maui will get through this one. Roads will be repaired. Housing will be replaced. Nature will heal. The money will come from someplace even if we don’t know where right now. And you will move forward, too. Know that, and take good care of yourself in the process.

Serve With Abandon

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I am enthralled with Lynne Twist’s book, Living a Committed Life.  I first became acquainted with her work when I read The Soul of Money years ago. This book permanently changed my attitude toward money. I loved that book so much that I facilitated book group discussions about it and gave away so many copies of it that I lost count. The book profoundly changed my life, and I can’t say that happens often.

When I heard about Living a Committed Life, of course I purchased it right away. The book is deeply inspiring. I am in the middle of facilitating a 4-week discussion group about the book now, and our conversations are exciting! We’ve had many “I can do that!” moments already. This book is perfect for people who are grieving to read.

After my last husband died, I felt lost. I didn’t know what to do with my life and spent time feeling sorry for myself. This is a common experience in grief, and I knew I didn’t want to stay living with that feeling. In working to solve that dilemma, I started helping others deal with grief which takes on many forms from hosting a popular podcast, to facilitating writing groups, to writing books, and more. I am seriously committed to my grief work.

Lynne Twist’s commitment is to do all she can to help others commit to actively work to change the world in healthy ways that serve us all. The commitment I make to my purpose is on a much smaller scale, yet I do aim to serve as many people in the world as I can. A great way to help you move forward in dealing with your grief is to find a cause that you can commit to spend time focusing on.

This year there is much to be done dealing with the upcoming elections. Who or what cause would you like to spend time supporting to facilitating the changes our country needs at this time?  There are other giant issues like homelessness, bullying, poor nutrition, teen pregnancies, drunk driving, medical research, or illiteracy. This is just the start of a list that could fill a whole book!  The point is to find your passion and follow it.

What is your passion? What do you care most about in your life, your community, your world? Explore your ideas. Pick one and start there. You might try several before you find one to commit to. When you fill your time with things you love to do and you are passionate about, you will hurt less and smile more. Doesn’t that sound like a great place to be?

Let me know what you come up with. I’d love to hear!

 

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Living a Committed Life by Lynne Twist

The Soul of Money by Lynne Twist  

Believe

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Did you know that there is so much you can do if you believe you can? So many times, we can sabotage the dreams we have by not believing in ourselves. This often happens while we are grieving because it may feel like our world is falling apart because nothing is the same. The good news is that you can change your situation when you believe you can.

This morning a dear friend told me that she decided she needed a bigger house. On the day she decided, she ran into a friend who had a bigger house to rent, so she easily found exactly what she needed. I’ve done that too. My husband and I bought three houses in the time we were together. For each one, we wrote a list of exactly what we wanted in detail, and within a week each time, we found exactly what we needed at a price we could afford. For two of those houses, we even made a huge profit on the sale of the house we had been living in.

Your belief can make things happen, but what you want won’t just fall into your lap. Your actions and words must be in alignment to ensure the outcome you desire. Let’s say you want to be an artist. First you must decide what kind of artist you want to be. Then you must learn how to master that technique. Then you must discover how to display your work so your intended audience can see it. Nothing is so simple as just saying you want something.

After my husband died, I had a friend who was persistent in asking me if I was dating, and I always said no. Finally, I thought there must be a reason she was doing this. I was hesitant because my husband who died was so wonderful, I didn’t think it was possible to find anyone else I would want to be with. To prove that to myself, I made a list of all the traits and accomplishments anybody I would go out with must have. The list was long and detailed. I finally went on Match.com, and I was right. Just about every person did not fill many items on my list, but one did. I was shocked as I checked off every item on my list, and he even had more items that were wonderful. I was so glad that I stopped being stubborn and allowed myself to find my new husband.

How would you design the life you want to live? What makes you feel good and happy? Take some time to explore in writing what, where, and how you want to be. Use specific details. As I sit on my lanai enjoying a cool breeze, the many bird songs, and the view of two sides on the island of Maui, I am grateful to believe in myself which allowed me to create the miraculous life I love.

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Grief and Happiness Handbook

Grief and Happiness weekly Free Gatherings

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Dream Builder Life Coach

Life Master Consultant

Ordinary Moments

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Often after a loved one dies, it’s the ordinary moments we miss the most.  I remember how my mother and sister loved to shop.  When I would be visiting with one or both of them, we almost always ended up shopping. What was different shopping with them was they rarely bought anything. I used to think that was a big waste of time until I realized, that was the way we spent time together and find things to talk about.

My father loved to take us all out to dinner. He loved to have and excuse to dine out and he loved to eat! When I brought my finance Jacques to meet my parents, we met at a restaurant. Jaques was nervous, so I told him if he wanted to impress my dad, he should pick up the check. He did, and he made a big impression because no one else in the family ever did that. My dad also loved to take my children to get ice cream whenever he had the opportunity to pick them up after school, but I think that was mostly because he loved ice cream!

Jacques and I used to love to listen to live music and we loved to dance together, so we would look for opportunities to do one or both of those.  Ron and I loved to sit outside as much as we could.  There were so many bird songs to listen to and well as amazing tropic al plants to enjoy. We also loved to watch the fantastic Maui sunset and enjoy that special golden hour.

When my friend’s mother died, she invited me to come to her mother’s house along with her sister so we could all make cookies together. Her family had the tradition of serving cookies after funerals, so we made lots of cookies and had great conversations.

Our lives are made up mostly of ordinary moments, and those moments can be what we miss the most when our loved ones aren’t here to share them with. What are your favorite ordinary moments? Who do you share them with?

How can you make your current ordinary moments extraordinary and memorable now?

 

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Grief and Happiness Handbook

Grief and Happiness Cards

Grief and Happiness weekly Free Gatherings

[email protected]

Dream Builder Life Coach

Life Master Consultant