Grief

Caring for Your Precious Self

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When leaving the hardware store, I saw a display of beautiful orchids, so I just had to go look at them closely. There was one that caught my eye, a soft pinkish color. I could not help but smile as I gazed at it and it made its way into my shopping cart. It graced my table for months, sharing its beauty like it was smiling at me. I’m so glad I made that purchase.

When is the last time you bought yourself flowers?  Pampering yourself is an important aspect of self-care, and it doesn’t have to be expensive. I have lovely tropical flowers blooming in my yard that I pick to adorn my home. What can you surround yourself with to make you happy? It can be the fragrance of dinner cooking in the oven or of folding fresh laundry. What sounds good to you?

Caring for yourself is more than enjoying simple pleasures. I have heard from many people who feel that their bodies are betraying them by weakening as they age.  More likely though is we are betraying our bodies by not take good care of ourselves. When you decide to live your best life no matter what your age, your life can just keep getting better.

My doctor advised me on a recent visit to find something active I would love to do and do it for 110 minutes a week divided however I would like. That could be walking 22 minutes on five days each week. Or you could play pickle ball, swim, dance, or surf. Or choose a different activity every day. Moving your body is what is important here. Variety just makes it more fun.

The older you get, the more attention you need to pay to care for your health. Your body will give you clues, like if standing up from a sitting position becomes precarious, pay attention. Find a safe place to practice standing and sitting and do that a few times every day.  If you easily get out of breath, learn some breathing exercises and do them often. If something different is happening with your body, think about what your body is trying to tell you, and share your concerns with your doctor.

I’m not giving any medical advice here. I am saying please take the best care of your beautiful self. You are so worth it!

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

Emily’s email address

Rushing

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Most of my life I have been in a rush. Everything was a rush, from struggling to get up early enough in the morning, to rushing to work, often slowing down to grab something I could eat in the car. That pace would continue all day through all my obligations that varied every day. Often, I would struggle to remember what the time was for each meeting or class I had to attend. Not taking time to check in with my husband was I habit I learned to regret.

I would arrive home at the end of my day, and my sweet Jacques would make something for me to eat like a grilled cheese sandwich and a bowl of ice cream. If I didn’t fall asleep while eating, we would share how our days had gone. And the next day all that would repeat. Those days, I was either teaching at the university or running my own business, and participating in public service, being on committees, and so much more.

I rarely took time to catch my breath. Then my husband’s heart started to fail. My focus shifted from everything I was doing to taking care of him. I went from operating on fumes most of the time to consciously sitting with him when he had the energy to so we could have long, interesting conversations.

What broke my heart was the realization that all my rushing to get things done had taken me away from the precious time we could have shared. I was happy to care for him and to meet his needs the best I could, while at the same time I found I was living with regret. If I hadn’t been so busy earlier in our marriage, we could have enjoyed each other so much more. While difficult because of his health, those last two years with him were precious. We were married 22 years.

I thought I would never marry again, but I met Ron and we fell in love easily. I had learned my lesson of how rushing didn’t serve me or anyone I was dealing with, so I did gradually slow down. We would spend cool early mornings outside our home not far from the beach sitting by the warm fire of the chimenea. We would read to each other, meditate, and plan how we would be spending our life together. We spent ten wonderful years together taking time to enjoy the moments.

Now I have spent nine years as a widow, and I’m doing so well. By learning how to take my time, I find joy in my moments, and I love that. If you are in a hurry, please slow down. Breathe deeply. Spend time outside. Enjoy the beauty of nature. And make the most of all the moments of your life.

 

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Fear

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There is so much fear associated with grief. Before a loved one dies, we fear how we will be able to live without them. We fear when we will never be with them again. We fear how we will handle the loneliness. I could go on and on. Dr. Gerald Jampolsky wrote a book called Love Is Letting Go of Fear, and that’s a beautiful way of looking at the fear that comes with death.

When you think of fear, you are focused on the negative, of what you don’t want to experience. On the other hand, when you think of love, you are focused on the positive, and that is a much mor pleasant way to live. For instance, last night I woke up with my arms around an extra pillow on my bed, and just for a moment, a memory of holding my husband in bed flashed through my mind, and that felt so good. In the past I could have had the same experience and instead of focusing on the pleasant memory, I may have cried, missing him and fearing I would never be held again.

That old fear only led me to be unhappy. I could choose to carry that around and be miserable, or I could choose instead to be grateful for the many times we had held each other, or kissed, or made love. I have chosen to focus on those happy memories, and that feels good.

You may fear living alone, or not having the income you had before, or traveling by yourself, or a myriad of other things. You can drive yourself to be miserable by focusing on what you can’t have, when that is likely to not even be the truth. I was not looking forward to living alone. I asked my son to come live with me, and it’s great having him here. I also have two rentals on my property, and I have good friends living in them both, so I am surrounded by people I love!

I also found that the advance planning we had done left me financially comfortable. And I have really enjoyed traveling. Sometimes I invite a friend to join me, or I travel to visit a friend. Or I find interesting courses to take in places I have wanted to travel to, and each time I make new friends when I get there, and I enjoy what I learn!

Fear is an emotion that you don’t have to experience. Try focusing on what you best life can be and make decisions in alignment with that. When you focus on having great experiences instead of focusing on all the bad things that could possibly happen, you’ll be amazed at the beautiful life you can live.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

Emily’s email address

Find Light

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I recently saw the statement, “In the darkness, you’ll also find light.” This reminded me of grief. So often, especially in early grief, we can feel that we are sitting in darkness. I remember days like that where I could sit for hours just feeling unhappy and lonely until one day I said to myself “Enough!” I thought my husbands, my parents, and all my loved ones who had already died would be disappointed in my behavior. And I knew it was time for me to be positive and productive and discover the light in my life.

I went outside, found a comfortable place to sit, closed my eyes, and turned my face to the sun. I felt it’s warmth in this process called sunning and chose to sit there and meditate. I focused on what I could do to feel fulfilled, what would cause me to wake in the morning excited to interact with people and find significant ways to help them. This process led me to discoverer my new life’s purpose of helping people with their grief to find ways to discover happiness in the process.

Finding light can also come in small doses.  Try holding a baby or watching puppies play. Or ask someone to go on a walk with you to someplace beautiful like a botanical garden, by a stream, lake, or beach. Go to an art gallery or a museum. Go to the theatre or to a concert. Volunteer someplace you care about like a food pantry, a youth organization, an animal shelter, or a nonprofit organization.

You can also find light in more personal ways. Try reading good books or maybe join a book group or even write a book. I wrote and published books which not only helped me in the process, but the books also now help others dealing with grief, and that brings me joy! If you love to cook, try taking meals to people who would enjoy a home cooked meal. Or cut some flowers from your garden to share. I smile remembering flowers friend would bring to me.

There is so much light and joy out there! Take advantage of it for you or share it and enjoy its reflection. Try being the light!

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

Emily’s email address

Widow’s Fire

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I recently learned a grief related term that I hadn’t heard of before and realized that is probably because widow’s may be unlikely to talk about it. Widow’s Fire can be defined as an intense longing for physical intimacy which can be experienced by both women and men who are grieving the death or absence of a loved one. I am sure most of us in that category are likely to experience this on some level.

While this experience is perfectly normal, in can result in a broad variety of feelings ranging from sweet memories to guilt or fear. The key to dealing with these feelings is to be gentle with yourself. If you had a loving, fulfilling relationship, focus on that. You may want to spend some time watching romantic movies or reading books focusing on love and kindness. I love to write in my journal about special memories when I felt good. I also will write love letters to my husband, and sometimes wright letters back to me from him.

At times you may feel intense feelings longing for the real thing. If this is you, please be careful. I have seen people rush into relationships with people who they don’t know well who end up hurt and taken advantage of. I speak from experience that you can fall in love again and have a beautiful relationship.  You can also have a “no strings attached” relationship if both of you are perfectly clear with your intentions.

Know that you can turn to a qualified grief counselors to talk about your feelings if you want guidance on what works best for you. Remember to not judge yourself or others who are seeking help to deal with these unfamiliar feelings. And always take the very best care of yourself.

 

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Grief and Happiness Handbook

Grief and Happiness Cards

Grief and Happiness weekly Free Gatherings

[email protected]

Dream Builder Life Coach

Life Master Consultantant

Are You Lonely?

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Of all the challenges that people face while grieving, the one I hear the most about is loneliness. This can happen before and or after the death of a loved one.  As we get older, most often we become less social because often it is just too hard. Maybe you can’t drive and don’t have transportation. Maybe you feel you don’t have the energy to go anyplace. Maybe you have lost touch with your friends and maybe even with your family. I am sure you can think of even more excuses. The good news is you can do something to negate all these excuses.

Do you find yourself sitting alone in your home bemoaning the fact that no one is with you? Try calling a friend. If they live nearby, invite them to visit you or arrange to meet them for coffee or lunch. They may be lonely too and would love to spend sone time with you. I have a neighbor who I am in contact with every day. She’ll bring her little dog to visit or she’ll come to see if I have an ingredient she next to follow a recipe she wants to try. I always welcome her visits, and I am grateful for the way we care for each other.

What would you love to do? I am now doing watercolor painting with friends every week. I love spending time with them as much as I enjoy painting. One member of that group invited me to join a group she is in who attend plays and concerts together, and I love that. We even go out to dinner together after the matinees. I have another friend that I attend film festivals with and we also take online painting classes together.

Being around other people who you enjoy is very important. Staying home by yourself all the time can be very lonely and even dangerous. Dr. Julianne Holt-Lundstad, director of Brigham Young University’s Social Connection & Health Lab says, “Isolation and loneliness have been found to harm health as much or more than smoking 15 cigarettes a day.” This statement startled me and makes me feel good about my commitment to stay connected.

What can you do now to stay connected?

 

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Grief and Happiness Handbook

Grief and Happiness Cards

Grief and Happiness weekly Free Gatherings

[email protected]

Dream Builder Life Coach

Life Master Consultantant