Loss

Are You Afriad?

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Being completely emotionally prepared or ready for the death of a loved one is improbable if not impossible. One moment, your person is breathing. The next moment, your person is still. Life for you will never be the same.  Once the transition occurs, you are on your own. That realization for me was intensely frightening. Decisions we had shared in the past were now my responsibility alone. Income we had pooled was now my obligation. Now what?

I had no idea–

I had no idea, and that didn’t serve me. What would serve me was to identify what scared me and do something about it.

My best friend from high school arrived at my side after many years of living far away. She came at the exact right time toward the end of my husband’s time. She brought support, positivity, and laughter into my life and into hers. Until she appeared, I hadn’t recognized the fear that had been creeping into my life.

In the hours that my husband slept, I had been wondering. Would I be alone for what seemed would be forever? Would I able be to support myself financially? Would my friends who had been steadily disappearing during my husband’s long illness return? Would I become the black widow that everyone shunned? My lonely thoughts painted terrifying scenes.

The days between his death and his celebration felt mostly blank. Nothing made sense. Then I had to start figuring things out. I was so relieved that my friend stayed with me through this time. Many of us face these times alone.  My friend suggested things for me to consider like whether it was better for me to stay in my home of 22 years or better for me to sell that home and move someplace where I would feel safer. Discussing issues like this was so helpful. I did end up selling my home and moving to a place that was ideal for me. Being able to talk about all the pros and cons was so helpful.

I found that the more time I took to consider important decisions and changes, the better I felt about the choices I made. Writing about choices I was considering helped. When I recorded the pros and cons of potentials, I didn’t need to worry about remembering all the details. I could always reconsider and change my mind when appropriate.

During this time, I grew stronger and the fear slowly dissolved. The absence of fear allowed room for positivity and smiles instead of the fear that had been haunting me. I realized I was choosing love over fear. I loved the decisions I made and the people I spent time with, the career I cherished, and the service to others I provided. I saw and experienced unconditional love in ways I hadn’t experienced before. As I look at my life now, fear is no longer a consideration. The absence of fear allows the room for joy, for smiles, for love.

Where are you on this journey? Is fear still worrying you? Are you in the process of focusing on your next steps? Are you seeing your former fears dissolving behind you? Or are you, like me, enjoying the absence of fear in your life as you enjoy your happy, fulfilling life.

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

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Touch

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I was reading while lying on my back in bed. I had my computer propped up so that I didn’t have to hold it. My left hand rested gently on my chest while my right hand covered my left with my fingertips gently brushing my wrist as I breathed in and out.  I had been in this position for a while before I thought about it. I was self-soothing without thinking about it. In that moment, I recognized how much I missed being touched.

A memory returned to me of when I was working way too many hours.  I would come home exhausted and collapse on the couch. When I awakened, my husband had covered me with a blanket and sat next to me placing my head gently in his lap and resting his hand on my shoulder. I felt so close to him in that silent moment.  It’s been years since he died, yet I still recall those precious moments of his warm loving touch.

Oh, how I miss a loving embrace or a slow dance in the kitchen when I was fixing diner or holding hands as we went for a walk. I am grateful for the nights when he comes to me in a dream and we touch once again. It’s just not the same, though.  Sometimes I write in my journal and conger intimate times of skin touching skin, but that often just brings tears.

For now, I will relish the precious memories on the love transmuted though physical touch in the past remembering the electric charge that comes invisibly from one heart to another.

 

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Endings and Beginnings

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“Grief is not the end of a story, Sometimes, it is the beginning of another.” Barry Hoffner

 

I had two husbands, Jacques and Ron. Coincidentally, they both had congestive heart failure which led to kidney failure which led to dialysis which led to their deaths. I spent their last two years with each of them at home or at their hospital bedsides. Besides these commonalities, they were as different as they could be. And I didn’t know that either of them would end up with the health conditions they had to deal with.

Jacques was such a positive person. His hearty laugh brightened every day. No matter how much he was dealing with, he always found something that amused him. His joy was contagious and we went through his health challenges together. Ron was also positive but in a different way. He started each morning early outside listening to the birds and he meditated and prayed. Joining him on the lanai, the serenity was palpable and, we had such deep conversations that always ended with mutual smiles.

As time went on, more and more health challenges presented. Both were tolerant and did not complain. Those challenges inspired me to savor each moment with them and do what I could to make whatever happened to them the best it could be. These were the times that I would consider my future, and both times it felt blank.  I couldn’t imagine living on my own.

When Jacques died, my childhood friend Yvone stayed with me for a few months. She had helped me care for Jacques, and when he was gone, she helped me find a new home to start a new life. Then she moved away and I discovered what it was really like to be alone. I was lost. What I missed most was his laugh and kindness. I listened to music we loved and listened to together, and I read lots of books. I finally realized I didn’t have to be alone, so I started volunteering to help others. I also accepted invitations, something I didn’t realize I had been avoiding. I noticed I had created a new beginning, and I started to move forward.

After Jaques died, I had decided I wouldn’t date and I definitely would never marry again. The thought of having another husband die was terrifying and I couldn’t allow myself the possibility. Then I met Ron. He was so different from anyone I had known, and I found myself falling deeply in love, but it was different this time. I found myself feeling like even though Jaques died, I didn’t feel unmarried no matter what wedding vows said. Ron was patient for four years, and then we finally got married.

Not long after we were wed, Ron started having health problems.  We dealt with all that happened together. When the end neared, we didn’t talk about it much and I knew he was ready to stop dealing with all the pain. As much as I knew it was coming, I still felt like I was in a state of shock when he transitioned. He had always encouraged me to live my best life, and while that sounded good, it wasn’t easy.

I journaled constantly until I discovered how much writing was helping me. When I started helping others to write about their grief, I knew I had found my life’s purpose.

I have traveled through ending and beginnings multiple times each in its own context. I am happy now and know that whatever comes my way in life, I can handle it with love and compassion every step along the way.

 

“Maybe the best things in life don’t arrive by plan, but by grace, when we are open enough to receive them.” Barry Hoffner.

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Grief and Happiness Handbook

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Flexability

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I have been living through the 100-year storm in Hawaii in March of 2026. I am grateful that I live up-country where a great drainage system is built-in, so we aren’t experiencing the landslides and flooding prevalent on much of the island. Many trees have blown down or have lost branches. As I watch out my window, I am amazed by how far strong branches will bend until some of them snap and blow away.

I have been thinking about how a storm like this can be nature’s way of grieving.  I observe trees as they bend and sway in their artful dances. They remind me of early grief when our hearts and minds bounce around, straining as far as they as they possibly could. We experience chaos in our bodies wondering if we can take another breath. At some time, the wind dies down. Slowly. As we catch our breath, we start to see the mess left behind.

As we pick through the rubble, we toss the sharply broken pieces into the trash and search for what we want to save. Parts of our grief are weakened by being stretched so far. As we remember the warm hugs and gentle touch of our loved one, we crave them longing for the comfort of their presence. Discarding what is broken is so hard to do.

Not all is broken though. Parts of ourselves feel stretched to their limits, yet they can heal. As the storm wanes, it’s time to be gentle with ourselves. Practice loving self-care. Take naps when you need to, and notice as the sun starts to shine through the clouds. Recognize all the shades of green as your start to see them on your walk.

The world has weathered major storms throughout history, and the world is still here. Maui will get through this one. Roads will be repaired. Housing will be replaced. Nature will heal. The money will come from someplace even if we don’t know where right now. And you will move forward, too. Know that, and take good care of yourself in the process.

Adapt

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Jane Goodall wrote in The Book of Hope that for species to survive on earth they must adapt or they will parish. This applies to people just like every other species, and the hardest incidence of adaptation is how we react when facing grief.

I invite you to consider this. When a loved one dies, their absence is difficult to adapt to. One moment they are here, then they are gone. I have been with many people when they transitioned and have felt the profound shift when their bodies become still. Their physical body is there, but it no longer functions in any way.

The adapting comes as we learn to notice their physical absence. You can no longer feel the warmth of their hugs or the touch from their hands. They no longer sit at the dinner table with you. You can’t go for walks together. You can’t hear their voice. So how can you possibly adapt?

You may feel like your life stops when theirs did, but you are still here. Now is time for you to decide how you can live your best life. To adapt means you discover how to move forward. In doing so, you are not forgetting your loved ones. You simply shift to holding them always in your heart. That way they are always with you in whatever you do.

Adapt by focusing on the air your get to breathe, on the beauty you get to enjoy, and the lives of others you get to touch. Adapt by discovering what you can contribute to the world, how you can discover people who you love, and how you can serve others.

Choosing to live a full life, however you define that, allows you to move forward with love and joy every moment, every day. Your life is what you make it.

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Grief and Happiness Handbook

Grief and Happiness Cards

Grief and Happiness weekly Free Gatherings

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Perfection

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We would all love to be perfect and do all we do perfectly. Practically, we also all know that’s not going to happen. I have spent hours working to make a chapter in a book I was writing perfect. I have also spent hours working on a ceramic sculpture or creating a painting, yet they always could be better in some way. Many of us strive to be perfect or to make perfect creations.

I spent years teaching writing at the university and always had writing assignments I had given to correct, and almost every submission had something to correct. I don’t know about you, but I do lots of different things, often when I’m short of time, and that often leads to errors. Everyone makes mistakes or could do a better job on anything they are doing. Now I don’t suggest being sloppy in what we do, but I would love to have the time back I have spent on my obsession to be perfect.

What does this have to do with grief? Have you spent time trying to figure out how to grieve? What does good grief look like? Have you wondered if you will ever feel better or if you will ever get over grieving? These are common feelings people have, so you are not alone. The good news is, grief is never perfect, so it isn’t a goal you need to strive for.

Take your time with your grieving. There is no rush. I know I will grieve for those I love for the rest of my life. They will always be in my heart, but as time goes on, the pain subsides and is replaced by the beautiful softness of the love you shared. There is no such thing as perfect grief. Grief is whatever you make it, and what you make it is up to you.

 

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Grief and Happiness Handbook

Grief and Happiness Cards

Grief and Happiness weekly Free Gatherings

[email protected]

Dream Builder Life Coach

Life Master Consultant