Loss

Caring for Your Precious Self

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When leaving the hardware store, I saw a display of beautiful orchids, so I just had to go look at them closely. There was one that caught my eye, a soft pinkish color. I could not help but smile as I gazed at it and it made its way into my shopping cart. It graced my table for months, sharing its beauty like it was smiling at me. I’m so glad I made that purchase.

When is the last time you bought yourself flowers?  Pampering yourself is an important aspect of self-care, and it doesn’t have to be expensive. I have lovely tropical flowers blooming in my yard that I pick to adorn my home. What can you surround yourself with to make you happy? It can be the fragrance of dinner cooking in the oven or of folding fresh laundry. What sounds good to you?

Caring for yourself is more than enjoying simple pleasures. I have heard from many people who feel that their bodies are betraying them by weakening as they age.  More likely though is we are betraying our bodies by not take good care of ourselves. When you decide to live your best life no matter what your age, your life can just keep getting better.

My doctor advised me on a recent visit to find something active I would love to do and do it for 110 minutes a week divided however I would like. That could be walking 22 minutes on five days each week. Or you could play pickle ball, swim, dance, or surf. Or choose a different activity every day. Moving your body is what is important here. Variety just makes it more fun.

The older you get, the more attention you need to pay to care for your health. Your body will give you clues, like if standing up from a sitting position becomes precarious, pay attention. Find a safe place to practice standing and sitting and do that a few times every day.  If you easily get out of breath, learn some breathing exercises and do them often. If something different is happening with your body, think about what your body is trying to tell you, and share your concerns with your doctor.

I’m not giving any medical advice here. I am saying please take the best care of your beautiful self. You are so worth it!

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

Emily’s email address

Procrastination

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I have fallen into a bad habit that I must stop. I recognize that this habit has expanded to ridiculous levels.  Two months ago, I suffered a serious fall breaking my jaw and wrist and several other injuries.  My life seemed to come to a screeching halt.

Now getting out of bed can take up to 2 hours. I keep thinking about something else I want to think about, and that multiplies. By the time I get out of bed, it’s too late to shower so I convince myself to wait till tomorrow to get cleaned up. And on it goes.

I keep a to do list, and every evening, I find myself moving uncompleted tasks to the next day.  I get tired just thinking about what I didn’t do. All this delaying isn’t working for me. I have so many things I want to do.

To deal with this issue, I set a strong, new intention that I am eliminating procrastination from my life. No more excuses. No more delays. I am starting by looking at that long to do list and eliminating everything that I don’t need to do. That felt good, and that shorter list was much less intimidating. Next, from the items on the list I chose three things and started a new list called “Three Things To Do Now.” I can do three things!

After I crossed off those three things, I made a new list of three things. At the end of the day, I have at list one list of three things completed, and some days I completed three lists, or maybe even five lists! What’s great about this system is I keep completing things and the procrastination disappears!

You can put short, fun things on your list too.  Now I have time for refreshing breaks. I have time to go for a walk or to create a work of art. My friends tell me I look happy and healthy, and I recognize that I feel that way too.

This morning I have already completed my first Three Things To Do Now list for today, and I am enjoying deciding what three things my next list will include. For one of these things, I know I am going to get outside and enjoy this beautiful day! What are you going to do now?

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

Emily’s email address

Fear

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There is so much fear associated with grief. Before a loved one dies, we fear how we will be able to live without them. We fear when we will never be with them again. We fear how we will handle the loneliness. I could go on and on. Dr. Gerald Jampolsky wrote a book called Love Is Letting Go of Fear, and that’s a beautiful way of looking at the fear that comes with death.

When you think of fear, you are focused on the negative, of what you don’t want to experience. On the other hand, when you think of love, you are focused on the positive, and that is a much mor pleasant way to live. For instance, last night I woke up with my arms around an extra pillow on my bed, and just for a moment, a memory of holding my husband in bed flashed through my mind, and that felt so good. In the past I could have had the same experience and instead of focusing on the pleasant memory, I may have cried, missing him and fearing I would never be held again.

That old fear only led me to be unhappy. I could choose to carry that around and be miserable, or I could choose instead to be grateful for the many times we had held each other, or kissed, or made love. I have chosen to focus on those happy memories, and that feels good.

You may fear living alone, or not having the income you had before, or traveling by yourself, or a myriad of other things. You can drive yourself to be miserable by focusing on what you can’t have, when that is likely to not even be the truth. I was not looking forward to living alone. I asked my son to come live with me, and it’s great having him here. I also have two rentals on my property, and I have good friends living in them both, so I am surrounded by people I love!

I also found that the advance planning we had done left me financially comfortable. And I have really enjoyed traveling. Sometimes I invite a friend to join me, or I travel to visit a friend. Or I find interesting courses to take in places I have wanted to travel to, and each time I make new friends when I get there, and I enjoy what I learn!

Fear is an emotion that you don’t have to experience. Try focusing on what you best life can be and make decisions in alignment with that. When you focus on having great experiences instead of focusing on all the bad things that could possibly happen, you’ll be amazed at the beautiful life you can live.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

Emily’s email address

Widow’s Fire

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I recently learned a grief related term that I hadn’t heard of before and realized that is probably because widow’s may be unlikely to talk about it. Widow’s Fire can be defined as an intense longing for physical intimacy which can be experienced by both women and men who are grieving the death or absence of a loved one. I am sure most of us in that category are likely to experience this on some level.

While this experience is perfectly normal, in can result in a broad variety of feelings ranging from sweet memories to guilt or fear. The key to dealing with these feelings is to be gentle with yourself. If you had a loving, fulfilling relationship, focus on that. You may want to spend some time watching romantic movies or reading books focusing on love and kindness. I love to write in my journal about special memories when I felt good. I also will write love letters to my husband, and sometimes wright letters back to me from him.

At times you may feel intense feelings longing for the real thing. If this is you, please be careful. I have seen people rush into relationships with people who they don’t know well who end up hurt and taken advantage of. I speak from experience that you can fall in love again and have a beautiful relationship.  You can also have a “no strings attached” relationship if both of you are perfectly clear with your intentions.

Know that you can turn to a qualified grief counselors to talk about your feelings if you want guidance on what works best for you. Remember to not judge yourself or others who are seeking help to deal with these unfamiliar feelings. And always take the very best care of yourself.

 

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Grief and Happiness Handbook

Grief and Happiness Cards

Grief and Happiness weekly Free Gatherings

[email protected]

Dream Builder Life Coach

Life Master Consultantant

Dream

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Dreams that come while sleeping come in an unlimited variety. They can be from memories, from desires, from sadness, from joy, or from and entirely unknown source. They range from terrifying to incredible happiness. While they can affect our lives in some ways, the more powerful dreams that we have come from while we are awake.

In the daylight we can actively dream about whatever we want to. We can create in our mind the life we would love to live, then go on to create that life. I dreamed when I was in college that I would be a writer. I planted that seed when I was in a writing class.  At the time, I didn’t judge that dream, and I didn’t dwell on it, but it remained in my mind occasionally reminding me to write a bit about something.

Ironically, before I did much writing, I was hired to teach a writing class at the community college. I learned much about writing, and about what not to write, by grading endless writing assignments. And I stared writing more myself. I’d dream in my journal about what I would love to do and how I loved to do whatever that was, and it frequently changed. And I loved teaching writing so much that I was hired to teach writing at a university.

One dream came true in an unexpected way. I had a representative of Prentice Hall Publishing drop by my office one day to convince me to order a book he was selling for my class. I told him he didn’t have anything I wanted. Startled, he said “What do you want?” I described to him how I was frequently the only person who was not from a different country or different culture.  All the books he offered were by old, white men. My students needed writing examples from a variety of people. He said “That’s just what we’ve be looking for! Will you write it for us?” I said yes, and my textbook writing career began.

That little seed I’d planted years before had started to grow without me even realizing it. I’ve gone on to write 5 more books after that, taught writing at a university for 30 years, and now I encourage people to write through their grief to bring them comfort and realize happiness.

What dreams have you dreamed that have come true? What dreams are you dreaming about now? Whatever your dreams are, write them in your journal and maybe even tell a friend. The more you focus on a dream, the more likely it is to come true. There is no limit to what to dream about. Just dream.

Dream bigger than you can ever imagine.

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Grief and Happiness Handbook

Grief and Happiness Cards

Grief and Happiness weekly Free Gatherings

[email protected]

Dream Builder Life Coach

Life Master Consultantant

Are You Afriad?

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Being completely emotionally prepared or ready for the death of a loved one is improbable if not impossible. One moment, your person is breathing. The next moment, your person is still. Life for you will never be the same.  Once the transition occurs, you are on your own. That realization for me was intensely frightening. Decisions we had shared in the past were now my responsibility alone. Income we had pooled was now my obligation. Now what?

I had no idea–

I had no idea, and that didn’t serve me. What would serve me was to identify what scared me and do something about it.

My best friend from high school arrived at my side after many years of living far away. She came at the exact right time toward the end of my husband’s time. She brought support, positivity, and laughter into my life and into hers. Until she appeared, I hadn’t recognized the fear that had been creeping into my life.

In the hours that my husband slept, I had been wondering. Would I be alone for what seemed would be forever? Would I able be to support myself financially? Would my friends who had been steadily disappearing during my husband’s long illness return? Would I become the black widow that everyone shunned? My lonely thoughts painted terrifying scenes.

The days between his death and his celebration felt mostly blank. Nothing made sense. Then I had to start figuring things out. I was so relieved that my friend stayed with me through this time. Many of us face these times alone.  My friend suggested things for me to consider like whether it was better for me to stay in my home of 22 years or better for me to sell that home and move someplace where I would feel safer. Discussing issues like this was so helpful. I did end up selling my home and moving to a place that was ideal for me. Being able to talk about all the pros and cons was so helpful.

I found that the more time I took to consider important decisions and changes, the better I felt about the choices I made. Writing about choices I was considering helped. When I recorded the pros and cons of potentials, I didn’t need to worry about remembering all the details. I could always reconsider and change my mind when appropriate.

During this time, I grew stronger and the fear slowly dissolved. The absence of fear allowed room for positivity and smiles instead of the fear that had been haunting me. I realized I was choosing love over fear. I loved the decisions I made and the people I spent time with, the career I cherished, and the service to others I provided. I saw and experienced unconditional love in ways I hadn’t experienced before. As I look at my life now, fear is no longer a consideration. The absence of fear allows the room for joy, for smiles, for love.

Where are you on this journey? Is fear still worrying you? Are you in the process of focusing on your next steps? Are you seeing your former fears dissolving behind you? Or are you, like me, enjoying the absence of fear in your life as you enjoy your happy, fulfilling life.

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Grief and Happiness Handbook

Grief and Happiness Cards

Grief and Happiness weekly Free Gatherings

[email protected]

Dream Builder Life Coach

Life Master Consultantant