grieving

Are You Afriad?

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Being completely emotionally prepared or ready for the death of a loved one is improbable if not impossible. One moment, your person is breathing. The next moment, your person is still. Life for you will never be the same.  Once the transition occurs, you are on your own. That realization for me was intensely frightening. Decisions we had shared in the past were now my responsibility alone. Income we had pooled was now my obligation. Now what?

I had no idea–

I had no idea, and that didn’t serve me. What would serve me was to identify what scared me and do something about it.

My best friend from high school arrived at my side after many years of living far away. She came at the exact right time toward the end of my husband’s time. She brought support, positivity, and laughter into my life and into hers. Until she appeared, I hadn’t recognized the fear that had been creeping into my life.

In the hours that my husband slept, I had been wondering. Would I be alone for what seemed would be forever? Would I able be to support myself financially? Would my friends who had been steadily disappearing during my husband’s long illness return? Would I become the black widow that everyone shunned? My lonely thoughts painted terrifying scenes.

The days between his death and his celebration felt mostly blank. Nothing made sense. Then I had to start figuring things out. I was so relieved that my friend stayed with me through this time. Many of us face these times alone.  My friend suggested things for me to consider like whether it was better for me to stay in my home of 22 years or better for me to sell that home and move someplace where I would feel safer. Discussing issues like this was so helpful. I did end up selling my home and moving to a place that was ideal for me. Being able to talk about all the pros and cons was so helpful.

I found that the more time I took to consider important decisions and changes, the better I felt about the choices I made. Writing about choices I was considering helped. When I recorded the pros and cons of potentials, I didn’t need to worry about remembering all the details. I could always reconsider and change my mind when appropriate.

During this time, I grew stronger and the fear slowly dissolved. The absence of fear allowed room for positivity and smiles instead of the fear that had been haunting me. I realized I was choosing love over fear. I loved the decisions I made and the people I spent time with, the career I cherished, and the service to others I provided. I saw and experienced unconditional love in ways I hadn’t experienced before. As I look at my life now, fear is no longer a consideration. The absence of fear allows the room for joy, for smiles, for love.

Where are you on this journey? Is fear still worrying you? Are you in the process of focusing on your next steps? Are you seeing your former fears dissolving behind you? Or are you, like me, enjoying the absence of fear in your life as you enjoy your happy, fulfilling life.

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

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It’s About Time

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Taking a bite of a stale piece of bread is so disappointing. Going stale easily sneaks up on you, or actually, it snuck on me, without my noticing. Since my husband Jacques died 20 years ago and my husband Ron died 9 years ago, I’ve lost other relatives and friends too and became immersed in helping others deal with grief and find happiness at the same time. While I am thrilled to find my purpose in doing all that entailed, I realize I’ve become a bit of a bore.

In the last year I have started broadening my horizons. I love to write and continue to write my blog every week and write our Grief and Happiness Newsletter. I also facilitate our weekly writing group with help from my friends Judy and Phil. Yet I found myself yearning for freshness, and I am so glad I did. I attended a women’s retreat with Karen Drucker on Kaua’i. I spent a week with my dear friends Fontaine and Michael.

And my dear friend Charmin came to visit me on Maui. I attended to business at my Ambulance company in California. I went on a cruise to Alaska with old and new friends. I started attending a gathering of friends who paint watercolors together, and another group of friends who go to theatre and concerts together.

This year I am planning a fabulous concert with my great friend Rickie Byars in Maui and am planning a beautiful retreat with my good friend Michael Sudman on the Big Island of Hawaii. And Sadie Beil and I are ramping up for our next From Mouring to Light international summit on Zoom with great new guests and topics.

As I write this blog, I am flying back from Pacentro and Rome in Italy where I went to celebrate a big birthday with Sadie and meet some new, great friends: Greg, Mel, Pietro, Karen, and Will. Besides a delightful birthday party, we went on spontaneous adventures like visiting the snow, cooking great food together, discovering new coffee drinks, and best of all having deep, meaningful talks as we got to know each other while we lived together in a Medieval village on the side of a mountain! Pieotro, Sadie’s husband, introduced us to so much to see and we discovered Rome from an Italian’s perspective instead of like tourists.

I am sharing all this to encourage you to think about what you are doing. What have you always wanted to do? Who do you want to do something with? Where do you want to go?  I encourage you to write in your journal exploring these questions. I’ve got a concert, a retreat, and a summit I would like to see you come to. And the Grief and Happiness Alliance Nonprofit Organization is gearing up a membership drive we could use help with as well as other fun plans.

So, dream big. Make a plan. Create new experiences and make new friends! And have so much fun doing what you want to! You can always feel even better than you do right now!

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

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Touch

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I was reading while lying on my back in bed. I had my computer propped up so that I didn’t have to hold it. My left hand rested gently on my chest while my right hand covered my left with my fingertips gently brushing my wrist as I breathed in and out.  I had been in this position for a while before I thought about it. I was self-soothing without thinking about it. In that moment, I recognized how much I missed being touched.

A memory returned to me of when I was working way too many hours.  I would come home exhausted and collapse on the couch. When I awakened, my husband had covered me with a blanket and sat next to me placing my head gently in his lap and resting his hand on my shoulder. I felt so close to him in that silent moment.  It’s been years since he died, yet I still recall those precious moments of his warm loving touch.

Oh, how I miss a loving embrace or a slow dance in the kitchen when I was fixing diner or holding hands as we went for a walk. I am grateful for the nights when he comes to me in a dream and we touch once again. It’s just not the same, though.  Sometimes I write in my journal and conger intimate times of skin touching skin, but that often just brings tears.

For now, I will relish the precious memories on the love transmuted though physical touch in the past remembering the electric charge that comes invisibly from one heart to another.

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

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Writing Your Grief

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Whenever I watch a movie or read a book, it seems like one of the themes is grief. We all deal with loss at times throughout our lives, so having grief show up in books and movies is logical. Since dealing with and teaching about grief is a major part of my life, it’s also logical that I see it everywhere.

Recently on a long flight I was looking for a movie to watch, and I chose Eleanor the Great. I didn’t know what it was about, and of course it turned out to be about grief.  Eleanor was a 94-year-old woman who was sharing an apartment with another woman who she had known for many years. Both women were widows.  Her roommate was troubled with nightmares and Eleanor had been trying to comfort her. Before her roommate died, she told Eleanor about an experience that because she and her brother were Jewish, they had been sent via train to a death comp. On the trip, her brother jumped off to get away, so she jumped too. After the train was out of site, she started searching for her brother. When she finally found him, he was riddled with 14 bullet holes. In her nightmares, she had been dreaming about finding him over again every night.

Because her roommate died, Eleanor daughter insisted that she come from Florida to live with her in New York.  She was not happy as she didn’t have any friends there, so her daughter signed her up for a singing class at a local Jewish community center. She wasn’t Jewish and didn’t like the class she signed up for, so she wandered into a story telling class where holocaust survivors told their stories. The group leader called on her to tell her story, and since she didn’t have one, she told her roommate’s.

Eleanor started mentoring a student who was observing the writing class and they became friends. The girl was dealing with the recent sudden death of her mother in an accident, so Eleanor was teaching her the importance of writing about grief. Ultimately the truth was discovered that Eleanor told her roommate’s experience instead of her own. All the people involved realized that their stories needed to be told and they needed to be true.

As I watched this story unfold, I could understand how avoiding communication concerning grief was hurtful. Most of the misunderstanding wouldn’t have occurred if people didn’t fear expressing their truth and if they took time to listen to the stories of others instead of focusing of hiding their own pain.

I suggest that people write about their grieving experiences. Have you written your grief story? Who are you grieving now? Who do you know who is grieving now? How can you communicate better or listen better? You are likely to discover that the more you write about or speak about your grief, the less often you will feel a need to. Then you will be able to carry your love safely in your heart where is can comfort you the rest of your life.

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

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Flexability

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I have been living through the 100-year storm in Hawaii in March of 2026. I am grateful that I live up-country where a great drainage system is built-in, so we aren’t experiencing the landslides and flooding prevalent on much of the island. Many trees have blown down or have lost branches. As I watch out my window, I am amazed by how far strong branches will bend until some of them snap and blow away.

I have been thinking about how a storm like this can be nature’s way of grieving.  I observe trees as they bend and sway in their artful dances. They remind me of early grief when our hearts and minds bounce around, straining as far as they as they possibly could. We experience chaos in our bodies wondering if we can take another breath. At some time, the wind dies down. Slowly. As we catch our breath, we start to see the mess left behind.

As we pick through the rubble, we toss the sharply broken pieces into the trash and search for what we want to save. Parts of our grief are weakened by being stretched so far. As we remember the warm hugs and gentle touch of our loved one, we crave them longing for the comfort of their presence. Discarding what is broken is so hard to do.

Not all is broken though. Parts of ourselves feel stretched to their limits, yet they can heal. As the storm wanes, it’s time to be gentle with ourselves. Practice loving self-care. Take naps when you need to, and notice as the sun starts to shine through the clouds. Recognize all the shades of green as your start to see them on your walk.

The world has weathered major storms throughout history, and the world is still here. Maui will get through this one. Roads will be repaired. Housing will be replaced. Nature will heal. The money will come from someplace even if we don’t know where right now. And you will move forward, too. Know that, and take good care of yourself in the process.

Ordinary Moments

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Often after a loved one dies, it’s the ordinary moments we miss the most.  I remember how my mother and sister loved to shop.  When I would be visiting with one or both of them, we almost always ended up shopping. What was different shopping with them was they rarely bought anything. I used to think that was a big waste of time until I realized, that was the way we spent time together and find things to talk about.

My father loved to take us all out to dinner. He loved to have and excuse to dine out and he loved to eat! When I brought my finance Jacques to meet my parents, we met at a restaurant. Jaques was nervous, so I told him if he wanted to impress my dad, he should pick up the check. He did, and he made a big impression because no one else in the family ever did that. My dad also loved to take my children to get ice cream whenever he had the opportunity to pick them up after school, but I think that was mostly because he loved ice cream!

Jacques and I used to love to listen to live music and we loved to dance together, so we would look for opportunities to do one or both of those.  Ron and I loved to sit outside as much as we could.  There were so many bird songs to listen to and well as amazing tropic al plants to enjoy. We also loved to watch the fantastic Maui sunset and enjoy that special golden hour.

When my friend’s mother died, she invited me to come to her mother’s house along with her sister so we could all make cookies together. Her family had the tradition of serving cookies after funerals, so we made lots of cookies and had great conversations.

Our lives are made up mostly of ordinary moments, and those moments can be what we miss the most when our loved ones aren’t here to share them with. What are your favorite ordinary moments? Who do you share them with?

How can you make your current ordinary moments extraordinary and memorable now?

 

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Grief and Happiness Handbook

Grief and Happiness Cards

Grief and Happiness weekly Free Gatherings

[email protected]

Dream Builder Life Coach

Life Master Consultant