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Secrets

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A prodigious act of congress was passed this week that requires the release of the Epstein files. These files would never have been released if it weren’t for the victims who came together after keeping their secrets for 30 years or more. They are women now, but most were children when they were taken advantage of by an unknown number of lecherous adults.

These victims continue to come forward as they see that their fellow victims have come forward. They are holding each other up in dealing with the tragedy of their loss of innocence. I admire the strength of these women who are finally ready to release the secrets they have been hiding which have blocked them from being able to live their best authentic lives.

While the Epstein situation is horrendous, sexual abuse and violence is more prevalent than we realize and now hopefully more women and girls in our society will realize that what happened to them is wrong and that it isn’t their fault that they were taken advantage of. And I hope they gain the strength to tell their stories, even if it is just to one trusted person or a counselor.

Holding a story of abuse is heavy.  Your confidence can be destroyed, and you can live your life with a shadow of shame. I was so fortunate that my husband Jacques came into my life when he did, and I was able to tell my story and live my life authentically from then on. I just needed one person to hear me and assure me of my worth. I finally opened to my life.

If you can listen when someone needs to share her story, you may help her to change her life and find that she can smile and even laugh like she hasn’t been able to.

Telling Our Stories

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We tell stories all the time. Sometimes we share them with others. Other times we keep them to ourselves. What often we don’t realize is that those stories we create shape our lives. Sometimes our stories come from what others say about us that we listen to and incorporate into our lives as they become our stories. Sometimes we make up stories that we think others are saying about us, and those stories can become part of our stories if we allow them to.

After my husband died, I heard very little from friends I had before he became so ill. Since I wasn’t hearing from them, I started considering what they must be saying about me. None of what I made up was positive. I thought they must be saying things like: “She needs space to grieve, so I won’t bother her,” Or “I don’t want to invite her to my party because she would be a wet blanket.” Or “I don’t see her anymore, so she must have new friends.” These stories that others create may have a bit of truth in them, but they certainly weren’t my story, and I didn’t even know if any of these stories were actually told about me.

All that alone time gave me space to consider my new life. I thought about what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go, who I was becoming. I finally reached out to a few friends, but they didn’t call me back. Then I called a friend whose husband died not long before mine did. I realized that I hadn’t called her because I wasn’t sure what I should say to her under the circumstances. I am so glad I called her!  She told me to get out of my house, do something fun, and just breathe. She invited me to a Patti LaBelle concert, and I accepted. That was my turning point,

After the concert, I knew I had to make some changes. In the story that I had been writing about me, I was considering everything that had been happening “to” me. I would never move forward if I was stuck in that thinking. The changes I could make would happen “for” me instead of “to” me. I started reading positive books I was inspired by. I took a quilting class that was at a delightful store I could walk to where I had enjoyed browsing before, and now I had a reason to buy their fabric. I found myself opening to the world around me in so many ways, and that felt good.

The story I tell now is that I can do and experience anything I desire. Though what I am choosing to do is for me, I am creating things “through” me now too in the service of others, and this allows me to live my best life by writing my own story.

What is your story? Are things happening to you, for you, or through you? Try writing your present story and see where it takes you.

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

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Wired for Negativity

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In Greg Hamer MD’s book The Mindful Teen, he says: “Our brains are wired in ways that tend to interfere with our ability to be more grateful—and happy. We are programed to have a negativity bias—we tend to remember the negative and forget or marginalize our positive experiences.” When I read that I remember thinking I wish someone would have told me that when I was a teenager.

I realize now that statement doesn’t just apply to teens. My parents rarely said anything to me about something I did or said that was positive, but if I brought home a low grade on a report card, I’d never hear the end of it. I always tried to do my best, but they rarely noticed. I noticed their reactions, and I constantly tried to do things that were positive to make them proud, but if they were, I would never know. I don’t hold this against them now because I realize that they were doing the best they could with what they had learned throughout their lives.

With my own children, I always tried to let them know how beautiful, bright, and loved they were and are still, telling them things I had wished I would have heard when I was growing up.  I do that too with the people I work with, encouraging them to practice self-love and self-care. We are fortunate that our brains may be rewired to focus on gratitude and happiness.  With a little effort and mindfulness we can train our brains to notice and remember the positive instead of the negative.

How does all this work for you? What do you focus on? How do you respond to people you care about?  Can you identify something in your brain you’d like to rewire? My negativity took me a long while to rewire, but with concentration and focus, I have bright, new shiny wiring in my brain I love to use to reflect my positivity and unconditional love and to support to others.

We are fortunate that our brains may be rewired to focus on gratitude and happiness.  With a little effort and mindfulness we can train our brains to notice and remember the positive instead of the negative.

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

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To Be

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We all probably have some form of a to do list. I have an app on my phone so that I can be sure to get everything done.  I’ve developed so many sub-lists to the main list that it’s probably impossible to get everything done that I have written there, but I sure would like to!

Where do you store your “To DO” list? I have tried thinking “I’ll remember that” when something comes up that is important for me to complete, yet often I don’t remember it beyond that initial thought. I can easily slide into frustration thinking I will never get all those things on my list done.

I am trying something different now inspired by William Shaksepeare’s Hamlet who said “To be, or not to be. That is the question.”  I am not contemplating suicide like Hamlet was in the speech, but I do like the concept of “To be.”  I now add moments of “being” into my daily schedule. I’ll sit on my lanai and listen to the birds and enjoy the flowers. I’ll take a walk in my neighborhood or at the beach. I’ll call or write a friend, or I may even get out my watercolor’s and paint a picture just for fun.

“Being” is an essential part of life. When we spend every waking minute occupied by chores, errands, our jobs, or other things people expect of us or we expect of ourselves, we end up with no time for us to look up and notice a rainbow, do a little dance in the kitchen when a favorite song comes on the radio, or to step outside and take a deep breath of fresh air.

My mentor Mary Morrissey says to “Notice what you are noticing.” When you do that, you can take advantage of life’s little bonuses like getting to pick a fresh juicy orange off the tree and eat it with the juice dripping down from your hands. Or enjoy the many colors in the autumn leaves as they fall.

Take some time today day, actually, take some time every day to just be, just breathe, just enjoy. Notice all the love and beauty your get to experience.

 

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What Do You See?

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Walter Cronkite and Jonathan Ward created the Great Books television series in 1993. On each episode, they chose a significant book and told the historic and literary significance of the book in a one-hour episode. Narrated by Donald Sutherland, they included interviews with historians and scholars, and they had actors create scenes from the book to illustrate the story. They filmed the episode for the Grapes of Wrath, written by John Steinbeck, in Kern County, California, where I lived at the time. I was hired to provide the costumes, so I went on location while they were filming.

One morning before dawn we drove up into the foothills where they would film the actors standing on the edge of a cliff next to their very beat up car with mattresses and furniture tied on to the top, looking out at the verdant fields in the distance. They pointed and exclaimed at the beauty as the sun rose. When the signal was given for the cameras to stop, the actors all started to laugh and called us over to see their view. In the distance, the scene was beautiful, but if you looked straight down over the cliff, appliances, mattresses, and garbage bags had been dumped into a huge mess, not beautiful at all. Of course, all that mess wouldn’t be in the episode, but to the people who were there that morning, the metaphor always remains. While the characters were seeking relief from the mountains of dust and piles of discarded possessions, they traveled all that way to find more garbage in a place that was naturally beautiful but not appreciated.

New Thought leader Mary Morrisy often says, “Notice what you are noticing.”  What we notice influences our thoughts and what we believe. We can seek out positive things or negative ones.  I live on the tropical island of Maui in Hawaii. When people visit here they may notice the pristine beaches, the multitude of waterfalls, the sunrises from the top of Haleakala, the volcano, and the cultural wonders at a luau. And/or, on your way to luxury hotels, you can drive by the decimation of the town of Lahaina where over 2,200 structures, including homes and business, were destroyed and over 100 lives were lost. If you are the traveler, you can choose to just see the beauty or the tragedy. Or you can see both extremes. While they have started to rebuild, it is going to take a long time. You can choose to contribute to the much-needed economy of the island which is funded by tourism, or you can choose to volunteer at places that serve the people and animals still devastated by the fire. When you notice what you are observing, you can make a difference.

What are you noticing now where you live? Have you noticed a rise in homelessness? Are people around you food insecure? Are the schools in your area in need of supplies or volunteers? Are the yards in your neighborhood now brown and crackling rather than the luscious green they used to be? Have you noticed a lack of services available for people who are grieving? The key here is to pay attention to what surrounds you. People who are grieving may isolate and fail to connect with others. This could be happening to you or to other people you know. When you notice things like this happening, spend some time contemplating how you can do something that will help.

One time when my husband was in and out of the hospital for a prolonged time, a group of friends came over one Saturday and cleaned up my yard, something I hadn’t been able to keep up with. Another day a neighbor who I didn’t know came to my door and said she was on her way to the grocery store and could she pick anything up for me. That was before there were delivery services and my cupboards were close to bare, so I was grateful!  Look around you. What do you notice? Maybe you could go on a walk with someone you have noticed hasn’t been outside much. Maybe you could give someone a ride to an appointment. Maybe you could walk a neighbor’s dog when you go for a walk.

Also, notice what you need. Self-care is essential while grieving. Maybe you could use a hot bath. Maybe you could get lost in a good book or watch a movie you have been wanting to see.  Maybe you notice you are losing or gaining weight. Try keeping track of what you are eating and commit to making healthier choices. After my husband died I told my doctor that I had been having frequent headaches. His first question to me was to ask if I had been drinking water. I realized I hadn’t been, and when I started drinking a healthy amount of water, my headaches disappeared.

The key here is to pay attention to you, your health, your surroundings, your family and friends. Notice what you are noticing and choose what to do. You can make a positive difference for you and those around you. And you can enjoy the process.

 

 

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Change, Change, Change

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The ancient Greek philosopher Heraclitus was credited with the concept of “the only thing certain is change,” so this concept seems to have been around forever. I was in high school in 1965 when the Byrds song Turn, Turn, Turn came out, and it helped me through some tough times. I had some of the normal challenges in high school that made me sad, frustrated, or afraid. When I realized this was happening, I would listen to Turn, Turn, Turn and my feelings would soften as I realized that I may be feeling them now, but soon everything would be different. And whatever it was I was dealing with always changed.

No matter where you are in your grief process, knowing that you won’t be stuck there can make a huge difference in how you feel. If you do feel stuck, here are some ideas to use to help you move forward:

  • Write in your journal
    • Write all about what is making you feel stuck. Then write your ideas of what you could do to make a change. Then do what you came up with. For instance, if you cry every time you see the picture of your loved one, try putting the picture in another room you don’t go in as often.
  • Enjoy nature
    • When you find yourself sitting in the same place in your home all the time, go outside. You could pick some flowers, work in your garden, go for a walk, or just sit in a chair outside. Try doing something a little different each time.
  • Talk to someone
    • Often, we tend to isolate while grieving, and most likely, there is someone out there who would love to talk to you. Think about that and text someone to invite them out for coffee, or lunch, or to come to your home. Then just talk about anything you want to.
  • Do something creative
    • Do something you like to do like bake a pie, paint a picture, take a class about an art activity you haven’t tried before, learn to crochet, or build a chicken coup. Have fun with whatever you choose.
  • Take a class
    • What have you always wanted to learn? Learn a new language. Learn how to volunteer in your community. Learn about a country you would like to travel to. Learn to dance. Learn to play chess.
  • Attend a grief group.
    • There are many kinds of grief groups like the traditional ones at Hospice, or Death Café, or groups for widows, or groups for child loss, or groups for different types of therapy. Do some research for what is available in your community or maybe your doctor has some suggestions.

The most important thing to remember is that however you feel right now will change. The more you allow yourself to change, to think differently, to notice how life is changing around you constantly, the more open you become to change, the more change you can experience. Let go of any resistance to change. Take a deep breath and open yourself to experiencing each day is better than the day before even if it is just a little bit.

 

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