writing through grief

Inside Out

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Grieving can be lonely especially when we hold every feeling deep inside ourselves which is most common. Often, we feel we don’t have anyone to talk to, especially anyone who would want to hear about our feelings. Not dealing with our feelings can cause them to grow and fester and be even harder to handle. So, what should you do? The answer is “Something”!

The first step to take is to get out a journal or even a piece of paper and make a list. Each item on a list is a different feeling that you are experiencing related to your grief, such as:

  • I’m afraid I will cry if I try to talk to someone.
  • Nobody cares about what I am going through.
  • No-one else I know has had a child die, or a husband, or a mother, or a friend so they won’t understand.
  • Nobody else could possibly feel as bad as I do.

Think about how you feel when you read each of these statements. Do you relate to any of them? Choose one of the items from your list and write all about it.  For instance:

  • Let’s say you write, “I’m afraid I will cry if I try to talk to someone.”

Think about that statement. If you were talking to a friend of yours who was grieving, and that person started to cry, would you be surprised? I doubt it. Chances are you would hand them a Kleenex or give them a hug and wait for the tears to stop. People cry when they are grieving. Don’t worry if you do.

This simple technique applied to any of the feelings you are dealing with will demonstrate to you that your feelings are valid, but they don’t need to cause you to isolate yourself. You may be surprised at how supportive a friend can be.  The key is to recognize that is what is happening and allow yourself to shift direction to a positive frame of mind. You can do this! You are stronger than you think.

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

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You Can Make Decisions

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Do you ever have trouble making up your mind? Maybe you’re not sure which ice cream flavor to choose. Or maybe you don’t know if you want to play pickleball today. Or you don’t know who to vote for. When the fog rolls over your decision-making process, you have trouble giving a simple answer, and this just leads to frustration for you as well as the person you are talking to. This situation often occurs to someone who is grieving.

I went through a time where I simply could not give yes or no answers. The questions didn’t seem important enough for me to think about. My loved one died. Nothing else mattered — except it did.

When the time comes when you do have to decide on something, be easy on yourself. Don’t rush.  Find and weigh the pros and cons of a potential answer, then make your decision mindfully. You may be saying, “I know all this.” And maybe your do, but don’t fool yourself. Just do the best you can at the time.

There will come a time when the fog lifts and you can see clearly. Look forward to this and know that it is coming your way. One day you will realize that you have stepped up out of the fog. Cherish this discovery knowing you are making progress in working through your grief. Every day can be brighter than the last one when you focus on the peace and light ahead of you, and you make clear solid decisions on the way.

Enjoy your journey!

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Grief and Happiness Handbook

Grief and Happiness Cards

Grief and Happiness weekly Free Gatherings

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Peace Above the Clouds

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In the last year I have traveled more than I have for a long time. Because I live on an island, traveling includes flying. I always choose the window seat because I love the view. When I travel long distances, that view is generally looking down at the top of the clouds and out at the crystal blue sky. As those around me pull down their window shades to stare at their screens, to play games, to watch movies, or to work, I find peace by enjoying the beauty I discover above the clouds.

I love to meditate, and finding a peaceful place to not be disturbed isn’t always easy. I used to think that I had to be in complete silence to enter a deep meditative state, but lately I notice that including soft music in the background guides me to the perfect peace I am seeking. I don’t include any songs with words because my monkey mind loves to sing along.

When I am not traveling somewhere, I can easily find this peace at home in an upright chair by putting my feet flat on the floor, tuning into into that soft music, and drifting off to that incredibly beautiful and peaceful place above the clouds. Then I silently repeat to myself the Dali Lama’s Loving Kindness Meditation:

May I be happy

May I live in peace

May all things work together for good for me

May I be loved

I repeat his words like a mantra until I am totally at ease. At this point, I can sit in silence for as long as I am moved to, or I may focus on a word like joy, peace, or love. This exquisite experience allows me to be centered and open to all that is good in my life. I can stay at this point, or I can choose to focus on an issue I am dealing with, a question I would like an answer to, or all that I am grateful for.

Where is your peaceful place, or will you create one? Do you meditate, or are you starting your own practice? What benefits do you look forward to as you take time for yourself every day? Celebrate your uniqueness and take the best care of your precious self.

 

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Grief and Happiness Handbook

Grief and Happiness Cards

Grief and Happiness weekly Free Gatherings

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Are You Afriad?

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Being completely emotionally prepared or ready for the death of a loved one is improbable if not impossible. One moment, your person is breathing. The next moment, your person is still. Life for you will never be the same.  Once the transition occurs, you are on your own. That realization for me was intensely frightening. Decisions we had shared in the past were now my responsibility alone. Income we had pooled was now my obligation. Now what?

I had no idea–

I had no idea, and that didn’t serve me. What would serve me was to identify what scared me and do something about it.

My best friend from high school arrived at my side after many years of living far away. She came at the exact right time toward the end of my husband’s time. She brought support, positivity, and laughter into my life and into hers. Until she appeared, I hadn’t recognized the fear that had been creeping into my life.

In the hours that my husband slept, I had been wondering. Would I be alone for what seemed would be forever? Would I able be to support myself financially? Would my friends who had been steadily disappearing during my husband’s long illness return? Would I become the black widow that everyone shunned? My lonely thoughts painted terrifying scenes.

The days between his death and his celebration felt mostly blank. Nothing made sense. Then I had to start figuring things out. I was so relieved that my friend stayed with me through this time. Many of us face these times alone.  My friend suggested things for me to consider like whether it was better for me to stay in my home of 22 years or better for me to sell that home and move someplace where I would feel safer. Discussing issues like this was so helpful. I did end up selling my home and moving to a place that was ideal for me. Being able to talk about all the pros and cons was so helpful.

I found that the more time I took to consider important decisions and changes, the better I felt about the choices I made. Writing about choices I was considering helped. When I recorded the pros and cons of potentials, I didn’t need to worry about remembering all the details. I could always reconsider and change my mind when appropriate.

During this time, I grew stronger and the fear slowly dissolved. The absence of fear allowed room for positivity and smiles instead of the fear that had been haunting me. I realized I was choosing love over fear. I loved the decisions I made and the people I spent time with, the career I cherished, and the service to others I provided. I saw and experienced unconditional love in ways I hadn’t experienced before. As I look at my life now, fear is no longer a consideration. The absence of fear allows the room for joy, for smiles, for love.

Where are you on this journey? Is fear still worrying you? Are you in the process of focusing on your next steps? Are you seeing your former fears dissolving behind you? Or are you, like me, enjoying the absence of fear in your life as you enjoy your happy, fulfilling life.

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Grief and Happiness Handbook

Grief and Happiness Cards

Grief and Happiness weekly Free Gatherings

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It’s About Time

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Taking a bite of a stale piece of bread is so disappointing. Going stale easily sneaks up on you, or actually, it snuck on me, without my noticing. Since my husband Jacques died 20 years ago and my husband Ron died 9 years ago, I’ve lost other relatives and friends too and became immersed in helping others deal with grief and find happiness at the same time. While I am thrilled to find my purpose in doing all that entailed, I realize I’ve become a bit of a bore.

In the last year I have started broadening my horizons. I love to write and continue to write my blog every week and write our Grief and Happiness Newsletter. I also facilitate our weekly writing group with help from my friends Judy and Phil. Yet I found myself yearning for freshness, and I am so glad I did. I attended a women’s retreat with Karen Drucker on Kaua’i. I spent a week with my dear friends Fontaine and Michael.

And my dear friend Charmin came to visit me on Maui. I attended to business at my Ambulance company in California. I went on a cruise to Alaska with old and new friends. I started attending a gathering of friends who paint watercolors together, and another group of friends who go to theatre and concerts together.

This year I am planning a fabulous concert with my great friend Rickie Byars in Maui and am planning a beautiful retreat with my good friend Michael Sudman on the Big Island of Hawaii. And Sadie Beil and I are ramping up for our next From Mouring to Light international summit on Zoom with great new guests and topics.

As I write this blog, I am flying back from Pacentro and Rome in Italy where I went to celebrate a big birthday with Sadie and meet some new, great friends: Greg, Mel, Pietro, Karen, and Will. Besides a delightful birthday party, we went on spontaneous adventures like visiting the snow, cooking great food together, discovering new coffee drinks, and best of all having deep, meaningful talks as we got to know each other while we lived together in a Medieval village on the side of a mountain! Pieotro, Sadie’s husband, introduced us to so much to see and we discovered Rome from an Italian’s perspective instead of like tourists.

I am sharing all this to encourage you to think about what you are doing. What have you always wanted to do? Who do you want to do something with? Where do you want to go?  I encourage you to write in your journal exploring these questions. I’ve got a concert, a retreat, and a summit I would like to see you come to. And the Grief and Happiness Alliance Nonprofit Organization is gearing up a membership drive we could use help with as well as other fun plans.

So, dream big. Make a plan. Create new experiences and make new friends! And have so much fun doing what you want to! You can always feel even better than you do right now!

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Grief and Happiness Handbook

Grief and Happiness Cards

Grief and Happiness weekly Free Gatherings

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Dream Builder Life Coach

Life Master Consultant

Writing Your Grief

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Whenever I watch a movie or read a book, it seems like one of the themes is grief. We all deal with loss at times throughout our lives, so having grief show up in books and movies is logical. Since dealing with and teaching about grief is a major part of my life, it’s also logical that I see it everywhere.

Recently on a long flight I was looking for a movie to watch, and I chose Eleanor the Great. I didn’t know what it was about, and of course it turned out to be about grief.  Eleanor was a 94-year-old woman who was sharing an apartment with another woman who she had known for many years. Both women were widows.  Her roommate was troubled with nightmares and Eleanor had been trying to comfort her. Before her roommate died, she told Eleanor about an experience that because she and her brother were Jewish, they had been sent via train to a death comp. On the trip, her brother jumped off to get away, so she jumped too. After the train was out of site, she started searching for her brother. When she finally found him, he was riddled with 14 bullet holes. In her nightmares, she had been dreaming about finding him over again every night.

Because her roommate died, Eleanor daughter insisted that she come from Florida to live with her in New York.  She was not happy as she didn’t have any friends there, so her daughter signed her up for a singing class at a local Jewish community center. She wasn’t Jewish and didn’t like the class she signed up for, so she wandered into a story telling class where holocaust survivors told their stories. The group leader called on her to tell her story, and since she didn’t have one, she told her roommate’s.

Eleanor started mentoring a student who was observing the writing class and they became friends. The girl was dealing with the recent sudden death of her mother in an accident, so Eleanor was teaching her the importance of writing about grief. Ultimately the truth was discovered that Eleanor told her roommate’s experience instead of her own. All the people involved realized that their stories needed to be told and they needed to be true.

As I watched this story unfold, I could understand how avoiding communication concerning grief was hurtful. Most of the misunderstanding wouldn’t have occurred if people didn’t fear expressing their truth and if they took time to listen to the stories of others instead of focusing of hiding their own pain.

I suggest that people write about their grieving experiences. Have you written your grief story? Who are you grieving now? Who do you know who is grieving now? How can you communicate better or listen better? You are likely to discover that the more you write about or speak about your grief, the less often you will feel a need to. Then you will be able to carry your love safely in your heart where is can comfort you the rest of your life.

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Grief and Happiness Handbook

Grief and Happiness weekly Free Gatherings

[email protected]

Dream Builder Life Coach

Life Master Consultant