how to deal with grief

What Do You See?

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Walter Cronkite and Jonathan Ward created the Great Books television series in 1993. On each episode, they chose a significant book and told the historic and literary significance of the book in a one-hour episode. Narrated by Donald Sutherland, they included interviews with historians and scholars, and they had actors create scenes from the book to illustrate the story. They filmed the episode for the Grapes of Wrath, written by John Steinbeck, in Kern County, California, where I lived at the time. I was hired to provide the costumes, so I went on location while they were filming.

One morning before dawn we drove up into the foothills where they would film the actors standing on the edge of a cliff next to their very beat up car with mattresses and furniture tied on to the top, looking out at the verdant fields in the distance. They pointed and exclaimed at the beauty as the sun rose. When the signal was given for the cameras to stop, the actors all started to laugh and called us over to see their view. In the distance, the scene was beautiful, but if you looked straight down over the cliff, appliances, mattresses, and garbage bags had been dumped into a huge mess, not beautiful at all. Of course, all that mess wouldn’t be in the episode, but to the people who were there that morning, the metaphor always remains. While the characters were seeking relief from the mountains of dust and piles of discarded possessions, they traveled all that way to find more garbage in a place that was naturally beautiful but not appreciated.

New Thought leader Mary Morrisy often says, “Notice what you are noticing.”  What we notice influences our thoughts and what we believe. We can seek out positive things or negative ones.  I live on the tropical island of Maui in Hawaii. When people visit here they may notice the pristine beaches, the multitude of waterfalls, the sunrises from the top of Haleakala, the volcano, and the cultural wonders at a luau. And/or, on your way to luxury hotels, you can drive by the decimation of the town of Lahaina where over 2,200 structures, including homes and business, were destroyed and over 100 lives were lost. If you are the traveler, you can choose to just see the beauty or the tragedy. Or you can see both extremes. While they have started to rebuild, it is going to take a long time. You can choose to contribute to the much-needed economy of the island which is funded by tourism, or you can choose to volunteer at places that serve the people and animals still devastated by the fire. When you notice what you are observing, you can make a difference.

What are you noticing now where you live? Have you noticed a rise in homelessness? Are people around you food insecure? Are the schools in your area in need of supplies or volunteers? Are the yards in your neighborhood now brown and crackling rather than the luscious green they used to be? Have you noticed a lack of services available for people who are grieving? The key here is to pay attention to what surrounds you. People who are grieving may isolate and fail to connect with others. This could be happening to you or to other people you know. When you notice things like this happening, spend some time contemplating how you can do something that will help.

One time when my husband was in and out of the hospital for a prolonged time, a group of friends came over one Saturday and cleaned up my yard, something I hadn’t been able to keep up with. Another day a neighbor who I didn’t know came to my door and said she was on her way to the grocery store and could she pick anything up for me. That was before there were delivery services and my cupboards were close to bare, so I was grateful!  Look around you. What do you notice? Maybe you could go on a walk with someone you have noticed hasn’t been outside much. Maybe you could give someone a ride to an appointment. Maybe you could walk a neighbor’s dog when you go for a walk.

Also, notice what you need. Self-care is essential while grieving. Maybe you could use a hot bath. Maybe you could get lost in a good book or watch a movie you have been wanting to see.  Maybe you notice you are losing or gaining weight. Try keeping track of what you are eating and commit to making healthier choices. After my husband died I told my doctor that I had been having frequent headaches. His first question to me was to ask if I had been drinking water. I realized I hadn’t been, and when I started drinking a healthy amount of water, my headaches disappeared.

The key here is to pay attention to you, your health, your surroundings, your family and friends. Notice what you are noticing and choose what to do. You can make a positive difference for you and those around you. And you can enjoy the process.

 

 

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Emily Thiroux Threatt Grief and Happiness email

Loving and Living Your Purpose

Listen to Grief and Happiness podcast wherever you get your podcasts

Change, Change, Change

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The ancient Greek philosopher Heraclitus was credited with the concept of “the only thing certain is change,” so this concept seems to have been around forever. I was in high school in 1965 when the Byrds song Turn, Turn, Turn came out, and it helped me through some tough times. I had some of the normal challenges in high school that made me sad, frustrated, or afraid. When I realized this was happening, I would listen to Turn, Turn, Turn and my feelings would soften as I realized that I may be feeling them now, but soon everything would be different. And whatever it was I was dealing with always changed.

No matter where you are in your grief process, knowing that you won’t be stuck there can make a huge difference in how you feel. If you do feel stuck, here are some ideas to use to help you move forward:

  • Write in your journal
    • Write all about what is making you feel stuck. Then write your ideas of what you could do to make a change. Then do what you came up with. For instance, if you cry every time you see the picture of your loved one, try putting the picture in another room you don’t go in as often.
  • Enjoy nature
    • When you find yourself sitting in the same place in your home all the time, go outside. You could pick some flowers, work in your garden, go for a walk, or just sit in a chair outside. Try doing something a little different each time.
  • Talk to someone
    • Often, we tend to isolate while grieving, and most likely, there is someone out there who would love to talk to you. Think about that and text someone to invite them out for coffee, or lunch, or to come to your home. Then just talk about anything you want to.
  • Do something creative
    • Do something you like to do like bake a pie, paint a picture, take a class about an art activity you haven’t tried before, learn to crochet, or build a chicken coup. Have fun with whatever you choose.
  • Take a class
    • What have you always wanted to learn? Learn a new language. Learn how to volunteer in your community. Learn about a country you would like to travel to. Learn to dance. Learn to play chess.
  • Attend a grief group.
    • There are many kinds of grief groups like the traditional ones at Hospice, or Death Café, or groups for widows, or groups for child loss, or groups for different types of therapy. Do some research for what is available in your community or maybe your doctor has some suggestions.

The most important thing to remember is that however you feel right now will change. The more you allow yourself to change, to think differently, to notice how life is changing around you constantly, the more open you become to change, the more change you can experience. Let go of any resistance to change. Take a deep breath and open yourself to experiencing each day is better than the day before even if it is just a little bit.

 

Grief and Happiness Alliance

[email protected]

You can listen to my Grief and Happiness podcast here or anyplace you listen to podcasts.

Procrastination

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Do you ever have a morning when it’s hard to get out of bed? You think about all the things you need to do and maybe feel a bit guilty about not getting started. Or maybe you were planning to fix dinner and didn’t get around to it, so another frozen dinner for you. Procrastination often can be overwhelming when you are grieving. You just may not want to do or think about anything, but procrastination does not serve you.

There are different types of procrastination, and they all play a part in bringing you down instead of dealing with your grief in a positive manner. However, when you recognize that you are procrastinating, you can start doing something about it, and you can discover how much better you can feel when it isn’t hanging over your head.

Procrastination can result in worrying. Perhaps you have lots of paperwork to do related to who or what you are grieving. This kind of task may be unfamiliar to you or just plain overwhelming. I can guarantee that the longer you put it off, the more all-encompassing the task will become.  To deal with this, try organizing what you need to do. Put at the top of your list the easier things that won’t take too much time, especially if you are familiar with what’s required. If there are tasks that you are unfamiliar with, get some help from someone you know and are comfortable with. This could be a trusted friend, your financial planner, or your bookkeeper. Legal Aid may be available where you live. You may even want to contact your attorney for legal issues. There is no shame in reaching out and it can bring you much peace of mind.

When you put off required tasks that have deadlines, you can bring on much stress that can make tasks even harder to deal with. Be gentle with yourself and make a plan to get things done ahead of time so that you aren’t putting unnecessary pressure on yourself.

Procrastination also occurs when you find yourself daydreaming instead of doing what you need to. Sometimes I could find myself sitting outside watching clouds go by while my dishes were stacked in the sink, my laundry wasn’t clean, my phone messages and emails weren’t responded to, and I had run out of groceries. While this may happen occasionally, it can easily become overwhelming and so much harder to deal with. Take some time to pay attention to what needs to be done and have a plan you will follow so thing won’t pile up. You will feel so much better when you aren’t overwhelmed by stuff.

Another trap you can fall into is perfectionism. If you are used to having your life in perfect order, when dealing with all the different issues that arrive during grief, things can easily fall out of order.  This can result in you getting frustrated with yourself or even depressed or angry. Just thinking of this can be upsetting, and that doesn’t help.

What you can do to deal with the common issue of procrastination is to practice good selfcare. First, notice when you are procrastinating. That is a huge step. When you notice, think about why you are putting things off. Then try writing an intention that you can repeat to yourself whenever you need to. Let your own words be your inspiration. You have more strength than you know.

 

Grief and Happiness Alliance

[email protected]

You can listen to my Grief and Happiness podcast here or anyplace you listen to podcasts.

Excuses

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When anyone asks me what the most important thing to do while grieving is, I always respond “Self-care.” Generally, taking good care of ourselves while we are focused on the barrage of things that hit us during grief is the last thing we have on our minds. And if we do think of it, excuses on why not to pay attention to our personal needs often block our way. We turn to excuses like “I am too tired,” “I don’t have the energy,” or even “I just don’t care.” All these responses don’t serve us and just make the situation worse. The good news is by eliminating excuses for not doing what would help you feel better, you can start feeling better.

If you are saying “I’m too tired,” ask yourself if you really are tired. If you really are tired, take a nap or cuddle up in a cozy chair and read a good book. Grieving takes lots of energy, and resting may be just what you need.

If you are saying “I don’t have the energy,” ask yourself why you don’t have the energy. Ironically, the less you do, the more out of energy you can feel. When you feel your energy drain, try going for a walk, or doing some laundry, or clean out a drawer you’ve been meaning to.  Doing things like this may inspire you to do other things you might enjoy like picking some flowers, baking some cookies, or watching a movie you’ve wanted to see. Doing what you love to do can generate more energy.

If you are saying “I just don’t care,” pay attention to that. Caring for yourself is so important, and that’s something only you can do. What would you love to do that could help you shift your focus? If you really don’t care, you may be slipping into depression.  If that is the case, make an appointment with your doctor or a counselor. Help is available.

Pay attention to what you say. Excuses never serve you. If you find yourself trying to justify  what you are saying and what you aren’t doing, try restating your thoughts to take them in a more positive direction.

Eliminating excuses from your life can make room for more happiness. Enjoy!

 

Grief and Happiness Alliance

[email protected]

You can listen to my Grief and Happiness podcast here or anyplace you listen to podcasts.

What Do You See?

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Grief affects our perspective. I have a beautiful view from the lanai at the back of my house. I looked across the island of Maui to the West Maui Mountains crowned by pure white clouds. I looked at the valley that bisects the island. I gazed at my glorious garden of tropical plants and bananas. Yet what I saw was the empty chair next to mine where my husband used to sit. Everything else felt abstract and superficial. That empty comfortable yard chair is where he spent so many hours communicating, helping others, reading, meditating, smoking a cigar, or gazing at me as I looked back with love. That chair brought me longing, loneliness, and change.

As time has gone by, I still imagine him sitting there, sharing wise words, bringing forth my smile and wonder. And I also reflect on the strength that I have grown into. When he first died, I didn’t recognize myself in the mirror. And I didn’t remember what my smile looked like. Gradually, I have come to see the woman I am becoming. As I have learned the importance of focusing on positivity, joy, gratitude, self-care, and self-love, I am happier now than I ever have been.

When I look at his chair now, I see memories of a beautiful relationship and deep love. When I look in the mirror now, I see peace, contentment, and love.

Henry David Thoreau said, “It’s not what you look at, but what you see.”  And I say what you see is who you are becoming.

Who are you becoming?

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Emily Thiroux Threatt email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

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Holding On

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One thing in life that is for sure is you can’t go back, can’t have a do-over. When dealing with grief for anyone or anything, many of us spend lots of time thinking about the past. We cherish all that was good about our loved ones, and dwell on unpleasant times or things we are sorry about. You may also be feeling regret for plans you had for your future that are no longer possible. This is perfectly normal in early grief, and it has little to do with your life now.

Now, today, and from this day forward, the best thing you can do for yourself is release trying to change your past. Your past is your past. Nothing can be done that can change anything, so dwelling on things that aren’t what you wanted them to be just wastes your time and keeps you stuck. If that seems easier said than done, try this. Choose one thing that bothers you like you didn’t get to move into your dream home together that you had had planned for and worked toward together for years. In your journal, write about that dream home and include all the details you can think of. When you complete that, put it aside.

Now, consider what your life is like and dream in your journal about where you would love to live in your new life now. Include all the details. Maybe in the past you had dreamed of neutral colors like beige, cream, and taupe. In your new home your colors may be lavender and light, warm butter yellow. Maybe you’ve always had a yard that was mostly grass, but you have always wanted an English country garden with tons of different flowers. Maybe you now live in Arizona where your garden would be burned up from the heat, so maybe now is the time to dream of that garden in Northern California where you could also have a wood burning fireplace.

Have fun with this journaling. Try writing about your dream home more than once, maybe moving it to different places where you could enjoy living now more than you would have with your previous dream home. And maybe your dream home is right where you are living now. Try writing about that including everything you’d love about it as well as things you’d like to change. Focus on enjoying the process of examining your life now. Maybe it’s not where you are living you want to focus on. Maybe you need to earn a living, but you are unsatisfied with the career you have had up till now.  Follow this same writing process just changing the subject matter.

The key here is to focus on your now. What can you do now help you move toward your new dream? And what can you do now to live your very best life full of supportive self-care? You can remember what you have learned and loved in your past, and you can dream of what you can learn and love in the future, but put your time and energy on your now. You can make your now wonderful. That’s why they call your now the present.

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Emily Thiroux Threatt email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my Grief and Happiness podcast here or anyplace you listen to podcasts.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.