how to deal with grief

Excuses

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When anyone asks me what the most important thing to do while grieving is, I always respond “Self-care.” Generally, taking good care of ourselves while we are focused on the barrage of things that hit us during grief is the last thing we have on our minds. And if we do think of it, excuses on why not to pay attention to our personal needs often block our way. We turn to excuses like “I am too tired,” “I don’t have the energy,” or even “I just don’t care.” All these responses don’t serve us and just make the situation worse. The good news is by eliminating excuses for not doing what would help you feel better, you can start feeling better.

If you are saying “I’m too tired,” ask yourself if you really are tired. If you really are tired, take a nap or cuddle up in a cozy chair and read a good book. Grieving takes lots of energy, and resting may be just what you need.

If you are saying “I don’t have the energy,” ask yourself why you don’t have the energy. Ironically, the less you do, the more out of energy you can feel. When you feel your energy drain, try going for a walk, or doing some laundry, or clean out a drawer you’ve been meaning to.  Doing things like this may inspire you to do other things you might enjoy like picking some flowers, baking some cookies, or watching a movie you’ve wanted to see. Doing what you love to do can generate more energy.

If you are saying “I just don’t care,” pay attention to that. Caring for yourself is so important, and that’s something only you can do. What would you love to do that could help you shift your focus? If you really don’t care, you may be slipping into depression.  If that is the case, make an appointment with your doctor or a counselor. Help is available.

Pay attention to what you say. Excuses never serve you. If you find yourself trying to justify  what you are saying and what you aren’t doing, try restating your thoughts to take them in a more positive direction.

Eliminating excuses from your life can make room for more happiness. Enjoy!

 

Grief and Happiness Alliance

[email protected]

You can listen to my Grief and Happiness podcast here or anyplace you listen to podcasts.

What Do You See?

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Grief affects our perspective. I have a beautiful view from the lanai at the back of my house. I looked across the island of Maui to the West Maui Mountains crowned by pure white clouds. I looked at the valley that bisects the island. I gazed at my glorious garden of tropical plants and bananas. Yet what I saw was the empty chair next to mine where my husband used to sit. Everything else felt abstract and superficial. That empty comfortable yard chair is where he spent so many hours communicating, helping others, reading, meditating, smoking a cigar, or gazing at me as I looked back with love. That chair brought me longing, loneliness, and change.

As time has gone by, I still imagine him sitting there, sharing wise words, bringing forth my smile and wonder. And I also reflect on the strength that I have grown into. When he first died, I didn’t recognize myself in the mirror. And I didn’t remember what my smile looked like. Gradually, I have come to see the woman I am becoming. As I have learned the importance of focusing on positivity, joy, gratitude, self-care, and self-love, I am happier now than I ever have been.

When I look at his chair now, I see memories of a beautiful relationship and deep love. When I look in the mirror now, I see peace, contentment, and love.

Henry David Thoreau said, “It’s not what you look at, but what you see.”  And I say what you see is who you are becoming.

Who are you becoming?

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Emily Thiroux Threatt email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my Grief and Happiness podcast here or anyplace you listen to podcasts.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Holding On

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One thing in life that is for sure is you can’t go back, can’t have a do-over. When dealing with grief for anyone or anything, many of us spend lots of time thinking about the past. We cherish all that was good about our loved ones, and dwell on unpleasant times or things we are sorry about. You may also be feeling regret for plans you had for your future that are no longer possible. This is perfectly normal in early grief, and it has little to do with your life now.

Now, today, and from this day forward, the best thing you can do for yourself is release trying to change your past. Your past is your past. Nothing can be done that can change anything, so dwelling on things that aren’t what you wanted them to be just wastes your time and keeps you stuck. If that seems easier said than done, try this. Choose one thing that bothers you like you didn’t get to move into your dream home together that you had had planned for and worked toward together for years. In your journal, write about that dream home and include all the details you can think of. When you complete that, put it aside.

Now, consider what your life is like and dream in your journal about where you would love to live in your new life now. Include all the details. Maybe in the past you had dreamed of neutral colors like beige, cream, and taupe. In your new home your colors may be lavender and light, warm butter yellow. Maybe you’ve always had a yard that was mostly grass, but you have always wanted an English country garden with tons of different flowers. Maybe you now live in Arizona where your garden would be burned up from the heat, so maybe now is the time to dream of that garden in Northern California where you could also have a wood burning fireplace.

Have fun with this journaling. Try writing about your dream home more than once, maybe moving it to different places where you could enjoy living now more than you would have with your previous dream home. And maybe your dream home is right where you are living now. Try writing about that including everything you’d love about it as well as things you’d like to change. Focus on enjoying the process of examining your life now. Maybe it’s not where you are living you want to focus on. Maybe you need to earn a living, but you are unsatisfied with the career you have had up till now.  Follow this same writing process just changing the subject matter.

The key here is to focus on your now. What can you do now help you move toward your new dream? And what can you do now to live your very best life full of supportive self-care? You can remember what you have learned and loved in your past, and you can dream of what you can learn and love in the future, but put your time and energy on your now. You can make your now wonderful. That’s why they call your now the present.

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Emily Thiroux Threatt email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my Grief and Happiness podcast here or anyplace you listen to podcasts.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

 

Hugs

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When I was a little girl, I loved going to visit my grandmother because she gave me such sweet hugs. She always smelled like her carnation toilet water, and her soft, strong arms made me feel loved and secure. However, she was my only source for hugs. I did not see other people hugging. My parents held hands, but I didn’t see them hugging. The only time I remember my mother hugging me was when I was distraught over the miscarriage I had.

I finally started giving and receiving hugs from my husband Jacques’s Italian family. I felt a part of his family with all those hugs and kisses on my cheek. They didn’t have to know someone to greet them with a hug and a smile. What a wonderful feeling. I still am challenged in initiating a hug, but I definitely hug back when someone hugs me. And I feel the benefits of sharing hugs.

“Virginia Satir, a world-renowned family therapist, is famous for saying ’We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.’” That sounds so wonderful, yet when we are grieving, often no one is there to share a hug with. I have taught myself to reach out to people when they are sad. I start with something not as intimate as a hug, like sitting next to them, putting my hand on their shoulder, or holding their hand. You can feel the positive energy flowing between you.

Research indicates that there are many benefits from hugging, like:

  • Protecting your heart
  • Reducing your stress
  • Increasing your happiness
  • Enhancing your relationships
  • Promoting better sleep
  • Improving your mood and relationships
  • And many more

How do you feel when you give or get a hug?  Human touch is a vital part of being alive, and touching animals is also beneficial. I love when my neighbor brings her dog to visit me. He loves to be petted, and I love to pet him.  I don’t remember the last time I was around a cat until last week.  I visited a friend and her big, soft cat climbed on to my lap and started to purr. That felt so good.

Find a way to include more touch and hugs into your life. I know it will make you feel better.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Emily Thiroux Threatt email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my Grief and Happiness podcast here or anyplace you listen to podcasts.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Cultivating Joy

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Most of us don’t feel happy all the time, but it is possible. In early grief, we are likely to have feelings like sadness, loneliness, and hopelessness. While that’s not unusual, staying weighed down with these feelings is not in your best interest. The best way to deal with this is to practice good self-care.  Writing about what you are feeling can help you discover how to move forward.

When sadness is getting you down, write a list of things that make you happy. Keep adding to the list when things come to mind.  On your happiness list, include anything that makes you smile or feel good. Include things like:

  • Bake your favorite cookies and share them with a friend.
  • Plant some new flowers in your garden or get a new house plant.
  • Sit outside in the sunshine.
  • Go for a walk in a beautiful place.
  • Find a class to take about something you always wanted to learn.

If you are feeling lonely, discover someplace to go where you will meet new friends. Here are some ideas:

  • Go to a class like water aerobics, yoga, painting, or ceramics.
  • Join a book club that reads the kind of books you enjoy.
  • Create a lunch or dinner group that meets regularly where you go out to eat with your friends or take turns entertaining your friends for lunch or dinner at your homes.
  • Find a nonprofit organization you are interested in and volunteer.
  • Invite a friend or friends to join you in going to a play, a concert, or an art gallery.

If you are feeling hopeless, try some of these ideas:

  • Find a support group you can attend.
  • Write about your life in your journal exploring how you would like to change your life and what you can do to make that happen.
  • Read inspirational books about people you admire or things you’d like to do.
  • Meditate considering what you do or can do that brings you hope.
  • Focus on self-love.

You can have joy in your life when you make it a priority. The key is to take action as opposed to waiting for joy to fall into your lap. There is an old Johnny Mathis song that says, “Life is what you make it, and what you make it, is up to you.” Since it’s up to you, what will you do now to live your best life?

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my Grief and Happiness podcast here or anyplace you listen to podcasts.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

 

 

Dealing with Grief’s Biggest Challenge

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The first big challenge everyone faces in grief is change. Nothing will ever be the same.  When this realization hits, often we become immobilized. We can feel stuck. Decision making can feel beyond our capacity. You may not even realize this is happening, so here is some help.

First, explore what you are experiencing. This is best done by writing. Get a journal or notebook just for this process. The process of writing your thoughts is important because if you don’t, your thoughts will float in and out of your consciousness making them difficult to remember and deal with. When you commit your thoughts in writing, you can come back to them as needed.

Create a space at the start of your journal to make lists.  With lists, you can add things to them when you think of them and cross things off when after you have dealt with them. For your first list, write the changes you are noticing that you are dealing with now. This can be anything from having difficulty getting out of bed to getting out of your home to grocery shop. Another list can be things you notice that you are going to have to deal with such as what bills need to be paid and when. You also may need to figure out the things your loved one did that you will now be responsible for.

These are just two list ideas to start with. After creating these lists, write an entry in your journal about each item on the list.  Focus on just one item at time. There is no rush in this process. You may discover that you need to take action soon on some of the items, so do that. And you may discover that some of the things you write about you don’t need to take action on at all.

Some items on your list will take more time. The biggest change for me to deal with was living alone. There was no quick fix for that but recognizing that was something I didn’t want allowed me to explore what I could do to change that situation.

Write in your journal about the items that come up on your list. You will discover much in the process.

Gay Hendricks says in his book The Big Leap that you are ready for a change when you can say:

  • “I want to change
  • I am willing to change
  • I commit to change”

You can make changes. When you consciously make changes that will serve you, you are stepping forward in the new beautiful life you are starting to live now.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my Grief and Happiness podcast here or anyplace you listen to podcasts.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.