Gratitude

What Do You See?

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Walter Cronkite and Jonathan Ward created the Great Books television series in 1993. On each episode, they chose a significant book and told the historic and literary significance of the book in a one-hour episode. Narrated by Donald Sutherland, they included interviews with historians and scholars, and they had actors create scenes from the book to illustrate the story. They filmed the episode for the Grapes of Wrath, written by John Steinbeck, in Kern County, California, where I lived at the time. I was hired to provide the costumes, so I went on location while they were filming.

One morning before dawn we drove up into the foothills where they would film the actors standing on the edge of a cliff next to their very beat up car with mattresses and furniture tied on to the top, looking out at the verdant fields in the distance. They pointed and exclaimed at the beauty as the sun rose. When the signal was given for the cameras to stop, the actors all started to laugh and called us over to see their view. In the distance, the scene was beautiful, but if you looked straight down over the cliff, appliances, mattresses, and garbage bags had been dumped into a huge mess, not beautiful at all. Of course, all that mess wouldn’t be in the episode, but to the people who were there that morning, the metaphor always remains. While the characters were seeking relief from the mountains of dust and piles of discarded possessions, they traveled all that way to find more garbage in a place that was naturally beautiful but not appreciated.

New Thought leader Mary Morrisy often says, “Notice what you are noticing.”  What we notice influences our thoughts and what we believe. We can seek out positive things or negative ones.  I live on the tropical island of Maui in Hawaii. When people visit here they may notice the pristine beaches, the multitude of waterfalls, the sunrises from the top of Haleakala, the volcano, and the cultural wonders at a luau. And/or, on your way to luxury hotels, you can drive by the decimation of the town of Lahaina where over 2,200 structures, including homes and business, were destroyed and over 100 lives were lost. If you are the traveler, you can choose to just see the beauty or the tragedy. Or you can see both extremes. While they have started to rebuild, it is going to take a long time. You can choose to contribute to the much-needed economy of the island which is funded by tourism, or you can choose to volunteer at places that serve the people and animals still devastated by the fire. When you notice what you are observing, you can make a difference.

What are you noticing now where you live? Have you noticed a rise in homelessness? Are people around you food insecure? Are the schools in your area in need of supplies or volunteers? Are the yards in your neighborhood now brown and crackling rather than the luscious green they used to be? Have you noticed a lack of services available for people who are grieving? The key here is to pay attention to what surrounds you. People who are grieving may isolate and fail to connect with others. This could be happening to you or to other people you know. When you notice things like this happening, spend some time contemplating how you can do something that will help.

One time when my husband was in and out of the hospital for a prolonged time, a group of friends came over one Saturday and cleaned up my yard, something I hadn’t been able to keep up with. Another day a neighbor who I didn’t know came to my door and said she was on her way to the grocery store and could she pick anything up for me. That was before there were delivery services and my cupboards were close to bare, so I was grateful!  Look around you. What do you notice? Maybe you could go on a walk with someone you have noticed hasn’t been outside much. Maybe you could give someone a ride to an appointment. Maybe you could walk a neighbor’s dog when you go for a walk.

Also, notice what you need. Self-care is essential while grieving. Maybe you could use a hot bath. Maybe you could get lost in a good book or watch a movie you have been wanting to see.  Maybe you notice you are losing or gaining weight. Try keeping track of what you are eating and commit to making healthier choices. After my husband died I told my doctor that I had been having frequent headaches. His first question to me was to ask if I had been drinking water. I realized I hadn’t been, and when I started drinking a healthy amount of water, my headaches disappeared.

The key here is to pay attention to you, your health, your surroundings, your family and friends. Notice what you are noticing and choose what to do. You can make a positive difference for you and those around you. And you can enjoy the process.

 

 

Grief and Happiness website

Emily Thiroux Threatt Grief and Happiness email

Loving and Living Your Purpose

Listen to Grief and Happiness podcast wherever you get your podcasts

What Do You See?

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Grief affects our perspective. I have a beautiful view from the lanai at the back of my house. I looked across the island of Maui to the West Maui Mountains crowned by pure white clouds. I looked at the valley that bisects the island. I gazed at my glorious garden of tropical plants and bananas. Yet what I saw was the empty chair next to mine where my husband used to sit. Everything else felt abstract and superficial. That empty comfortable yard chair is where he spent so many hours communicating, helping others, reading, meditating, smoking a cigar, or gazing at me as I looked back with love. That chair brought me longing, loneliness, and change.

As time has gone by, I still imagine him sitting there, sharing wise words, bringing forth my smile and wonder. And I also reflect on the strength that I have grown into. When he first died, I didn’t recognize myself in the mirror. And I didn’t remember what my smile looked like. Gradually, I have come to see the woman I am becoming. As I have learned the importance of focusing on positivity, joy, gratitude, self-care, and self-love, I am happier now than I ever have been.

When I look at his chair now, I see memories of a beautiful relationship and deep love. When I look in the mirror now, I see peace, contentment, and love.

Henry David Thoreau said, “It’s not what you look at, but what you see.”  And I say what you see is who you are becoming.

Who are you becoming?

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Emily Thiroux Threatt email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my Grief and Happiness podcast here or anyplace you listen to podcasts.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Holding On

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One thing in life that is for sure is you can’t go back, can’t have a do-over. When dealing with grief for anyone or anything, many of us spend lots of time thinking about the past. We cherish all that was good about our loved ones, and dwell on unpleasant times or things we are sorry about. You may also be feeling regret for plans you had for your future that are no longer possible. This is perfectly normal in early grief, and it has little to do with your life now.

Now, today, and from this day forward, the best thing you can do for yourself is release trying to change your past. Your past is your past. Nothing can be done that can change anything, so dwelling on things that aren’t what you wanted them to be just wastes your time and keeps you stuck. If that seems easier said than done, try this. Choose one thing that bothers you like you didn’t get to move into your dream home together that you had had planned for and worked toward together for years. In your journal, write about that dream home and include all the details you can think of. When you complete that, put it aside.

Now, consider what your life is like and dream in your journal about where you would love to live in your new life now. Include all the details. Maybe in the past you had dreamed of neutral colors like beige, cream, and taupe. In your new home your colors may be lavender and light, warm butter yellow. Maybe you’ve always had a yard that was mostly grass, but you have always wanted an English country garden with tons of different flowers. Maybe you now live in Arizona where your garden would be burned up from the heat, so maybe now is the time to dream of that garden in Northern California where you could also have a wood burning fireplace.

Have fun with this journaling. Try writing about your dream home more than once, maybe moving it to different places where you could enjoy living now more than you would have with your previous dream home. And maybe your dream home is right where you are living now. Try writing about that including everything you’d love about it as well as things you’d like to change. Focus on enjoying the process of examining your life now. Maybe it’s not where you are living you want to focus on. Maybe you need to earn a living, but you are unsatisfied with the career you have had up till now.  Follow this same writing process just changing the subject matter.

The key here is to focus on your now. What can you do now help you move toward your new dream? And what can you do now to live your very best life full of supportive self-care? You can remember what you have learned and loved in your past, and you can dream of what you can learn and love in the future, but put your time and energy on your now. You can make your now wonderful. That’s why they call your now the present.

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Emily Thiroux Threatt email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my Grief and Happiness podcast here or anyplace you listen to podcasts.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

 

First Days

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I read some sage advice recently that said, “Live every day like it’s your first.” We’ve all heard that phrase using the word last instead of first, but I loved this fresh perspective.

My friend Laurelee owns and lives on Leilani Farm Sanctuary on Maui. She invited my group of friends who do watercolor paintings together to visit her new baby goats. The mama goat, named Emily in honor of her rescuer, had been abandoned, so she was brought to the farm to live. She delivered her babies the day before our visit.

There were three babies, one girl and two boys. Goats usually have only two goats at a time, so they were on the small side, and they are adorable with thick black longish fur, and one had a white patch on one ankle. So precious! Less than 24 hours old, they were frolicking around under their mother’s watchful eyes. They loved being held and petted, so we all got some goat love, but they didn’t stay in our laps long because they were having so much fun playing.

What a fabulous first day for them! Just think about what a first day would be like now for you. All the new beauty, and colors, and fragrances, and tastes as well as new experiences, and new friends. Imagine waking up in the morning and experiencing everything as brand new! There would be no fighting, no war, no lies, no hunger, just love and happiness.

When a loved one dies, we can feel like it is the end of the world for us, but it doesn’t have to be. Each day can be a new start. Yes, take the time you need to grieve, but also take time each day to notice something new or different. When you go on a walk, notice the flowers and plants along the way. Many blossoms only live a short time, but while they are blooming, they are showing off their best colors and fragrances making people who pass by smile.

Look at the world each day as a baby goat or a bright hibiscus. Smile at a stranger. Thank the person who holds a door open for you. Bag your groceries. Call a friend. Sit outside and watch the clouds float by. Take a deep breath. Read a great book. Take a long shower or bath. Make a list of new experiences you are ready to have, then start checking them off the list as you do each one.

Take good care of yourself and live every day as if it is your first.

 

Leilani Farm Sanctuary

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Emily Thiroux Threatt email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my Grief and Happiness podcast here or anyplace you listen to podcasts.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Cultivating Joy

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Most of us don’t feel happy all the time, but it is possible. In early grief, we are likely to have feelings like sadness, loneliness, and hopelessness. While that’s not unusual, staying weighed down with these feelings is not in your best interest. The best way to deal with this is to practice good self-care.  Writing about what you are feeling can help you discover how to move forward.

When sadness is getting you down, write a list of things that make you happy. Keep adding to the list when things come to mind.  On your happiness list, include anything that makes you smile or feel good. Include things like:

  • Bake your favorite cookies and share them with a friend.
  • Plant some new flowers in your garden or get a new house plant.
  • Sit outside in the sunshine.
  • Go for a walk in a beautiful place.
  • Find a class to take about something you always wanted to learn.

If you are feeling lonely, discover someplace to go where you will meet new friends. Here are some ideas:

  • Go to a class like water aerobics, yoga, painting, or ceramics.
  • Join a book club that reads the kind of books you enjoy.
  • Create a lunch or dinner group that meets regularly where you go out to eat with your friends or take turns entertaining your friends for lunch or dinner at your homes.
  • Find a nonprofit organization you are interested in and volunteer.
  • Invite a friend or friends to join you in going to a play, a concert, or an art gallery.

If you are feeling hopeless, try some of these ideas:

  • Find a support group you can attend.
  • Write about your life in your journal exploring how you would like to change your life and what you can do to make that happen.
  • Read inspirational books about people you admire or things you’d like to do.
  • Meditate considering what you do or can do that brings you hope.
  • Focus on self-love.

You can have joy in your life when you make it a priority. The key is to take action as opposed to waiting for joy to fall into your lap. There is an old Johnny Mathis song that says, “Life is what you make it, and what you make it, is up to you.” Since it’s up to you, what will you do now to live your best life?

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my Grief and Happiness podcast here or anyplace you listen to podcasts.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

 

 

Dealing with Grief’s Biggest Challenge

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The first big challenge everyone faces in grief is change. Nothing will ever be the same.  When this realization hits, often we become immobilized. We can feel stuck. Decision making can feel beyond our capacity. You may not even realize this is happening, so here is some help.

First, explore what you are experiencing. This is best done by writing. Get a journal or notebook just for this process. The process of writing your thoughts is important because if you don’t, your thoughts will float in and out of your consciousness making them difficult to remember and deal with. When you commit your thoughts in writing, you can come back to them as needed.

Create a space at the start of your journal to make lists.  With lists, you can add things to them when you think of them and cross things off when after you have dealt with them. For your first list, write the changes you are noticing that you are dealing with now. This can be anything from having difficulty getting out of bed to getting out of your home to grocery shop. Another list can be things you notice that you are going to have to deal with such as what bills need to be paid and when. You also may need to figure out the things your loved one did that you will now be responsible for.

These are just two list ideas to start with. After creating these lists, write an entry in your journal about each item on the list.  Focus on just one item at time. There is no rush in this process. You may discover that you need to take action soon on some of the items, so do that. And you may discover that some of the things you write about you don’t need to take action on at all.

Some items on your list will take more time. The biggest change for me to deal with was living alone. There was no quick fix for that but recognizing that was something I didn’t want allowed me to explore what I could do to change that situation.

Write in your journal about the items that come up on your list. You will discover much in the process.

Gay Hendricks says in his book The Big Leap that you are ready for a change when you can say:

  • “I want to change
  • I am willing to change
  • I commit to change”

You can make changes. When you consciously make changes that will serve you, you are stepping forward in the new beautiful life you are starting to live now.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my Grief and Happiness podcast here or anyplace you listen to podcasts.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.