self-care

Adapt

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Jane Goodall wrote in The Book of Hope that for species to survive on earth they must adapt or they will parish. This applies to people just like every other species, and the hardest incidence of adaptation is how we react when facing grief.

I invite you to consider this. When a loved one dies, their absence is difficult to adapt to. One moment they are here, then they are gone. I have been with many people when they transitioned and have felt the profound shift when their bodies become still. Their physical body is there, but it no longer functions in any way.

The adapting comes as we learn to notice their physical absence. You can no longer feel the warmth of their hugs or the touch from their hands. They no longer sit at the dinner table with you. You can’t go for walks together. You can’t hear their voice. So how can you possibly adapt?

You may feel like your life stops when theirs did, but you are still here. Now is time for you to decide how you can live your best life. To adapt means you discover how to move forward. In doing so, you are not forgetting your loved ones. You simply shift to holding them always in your heart. That way they are always with you in whatever you do.

Adapt by focusing on the air your get to breathe, on the beauty you get to enjoy, and the lives of others you get to touch. Adapt by discovering what you can contribute to the world, how you can discover people who you love, and how you can serve others.

Choosing to live a full life, however you define that, allows you to move forward with love and joy every moment, every day. Your life is what you make it.

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Grief and Happiness Handbook

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Grief and Happiness weekly Free Gatherings

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Rainbows in My Clouds

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In contemplating what is currently going on in my life, I remembered Maya Angelo saying, “I’ve had rainbows in my clouds,” and I see how that fits my life right now. For 2 months now I have been dealing with computer issues. I even bought a new computer, and I am having issues with both my old one and my new one. And as if that wasn’t a big enough cloud, I ended up in the hospital with serious blood pressure issues. And I must deal with the issue of getting tired on the new medication, but I am grateful that it keeps my blood pressure in control.

In speaking to my friend Sadie who lives in Italy, she sympathized with me and said “passo passo” which in Italian means essentially, “step by step.” I appreciate her wisdom. I realized I have been trying to fix or do everything, everywhere, all at once. Of course, that never works, so I committed to taking one step at a time to move forward. And that’s so much better than tripping myself up and falling while trying to juggle everything. I feel the relief already as I take a deep breath and move forward.

Does this sound like you sometimes? Getting bound up in a myriad of problems or issues is an easy pattern to fall into when grieving. When this occurs, look for that rainbow for inspiration. In my case, Sadie woke me up with what she said.  I realized I was going down that rabbit hole which only led to stress and frustration. Sadie revealed that rainbow I was seeking by reminding me to slow down and move forward one step at a time. This led to the clouds easily disappearing taking the weight of all the items on my to do list. I took a deep breath and figured out how to proceed in a manner that brings comfort rather than stress.

While grieving, always be gentle with yourself. All that is important will get done in time. Remember to take a deep breath, smile, and move forward with what is most important to you one step at a time.

 

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Grief and Happiness Handbook

Grief and Happiness Cards

Grief and Happiness weekly Free Gatherings

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Life Master Consultant

An Affair?

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I heard the other day someone say you should have an affair with yourself, and I smiled. What a good idea!  The most important person for you to love is yourself. Sometimes we forget that when a loved one dies. We may say something like a part of you is missing. I understand that idea, but it isn’t the truth. The truth is you are whole just the way you are.

When I chose what to wear, I find myself thinking of things like “Mom loved that color,” “Jacques was so amazed that I could sew beautiful clothes for myself,” or “Ron bought me that sweater and I always think of him when I wear it.” These types of memories don’t keep us stuck in the past, but they can make us smile, and you are always more beautiful with a smile on your face.

When you want a snack, treat yourself to some fresh cherries or watermelon instead of a bag of chips. When you want a drink, treat yourself to a new tea flavor, hot or iced instead of a cup of wine. When you want to go out, find some friends to go with you and try something new like learning how to paint, playing pickleball, or trying a new food truck.

You can choose to be happy maybe one step at a time. The more steps you take, the weight of your grief can start falling away. You can always keep your loved one in your heart, and you can also expand your happiness at the same time.

Take yourself on a date this week!

have an affair with yourself, you will remember that you are whole, perfect, complete, and beautiful. You will also choose to treat yourself the very best by taking special, tender care of your physical self. You will eat wisely and well, and you’ll always bathe and brush your teeth. You will dress in clothes that make you feel good about yourself. I say all this because so many people who are grieving let things go. Just getting out of bed sometimes may feel impossible, but you can do it.

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Grief and Happiness Handbook

Grief and Happiness Cards

Grief and Happiness weekly Free Gatherings

[email protected]

Dream Builder Life Coach

Life Master Consultant

Perfection

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We would all love to be perfect and do all we do perfectly. Practically, we also all know that’s not going to happen. I have spent hours working to make a chapter in a book I was writing perfect. I have also spent hours working on a ceramic sculpture or creating a painting, yet they always could be better in some way. Many of us strive to be perfect or to make perfect creations.

I spent years teaching writing at the university and always had writing assignments I had given to correct, and almost every submission had something to correct. I don’t know about you, but I do lots of different things, often when I’m short of time, and that often leads to errors. Everyone makes mistakes or could do a better job on anything they are doing. Now I don’t suggest being sloppy in what we do, but I would love to have the time back I have spent on my obsession to be perfect.

What does this have to do with grief? Have you spent time trying to figure out how to grieve? What does good grief look like? Have you wondered if you will ever feel better or if you will ever get over grieving? These are common feelings people have, so you are not alone. The good news is, grief is never perfect, so it isn’t a goal you need to strive for.

Take your time with your grieving. There is no rush. I know I will grieve for those I love for the rest of my life. They will always be in my heart, but as time goes on, the pain subsides and is replaced by the beautiful softness of the love you shared. There is no such thing as perfect grief. Grief is whatever you make it, and what you make it is up to you.

 

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Grief and Happiness Handbook

Grief and Happiness Cards

Grief and Happiness weekly Free Gatherings

[email protected]

Dream Builder Life Coach

Life Master Consultant

 

The Journey

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As we navigate through grief, we deal with a plethora of challenges.Many changes are beyond what we could have imagined. We may experience uncertainty and fear as we start to move forward. Yet with all this, much of what happens is not negative. The key to having the best outcome is to focus on what’s good.

Something that can pile up is all the paper work from sorting medical bills to contacting life insurance companies. There may be memberships to cancel and more. And there will be people to notify like family, friends, employers, and more. As all these things and more pile up, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed. 

As the to-do pile on the desk seems to grow on its own, instead of ignoring it, start working on it a bit at a time. Set a goal to work on it for a certain time, and when you reach the goal, reward yourself so you have something to look forward to. Try working for 15 minutes, then go for a walk or call a friend. Or sort your piles into priority levels, and anything that is a low priority for now, put away in a drawer so the pile won’t seem so big for now.

If you’ve been spending time in bed or just sitting in front of tv, set goals for yourself to get up and move. Call a neighbor to go for a walk with you. Or go window shopping at a new mall. Or go to a favorite bakery or food truck fora treat. Or you may get lost in a great book you have always wanted to read.

What all these things have in common is you are rewarding yourself for completing something you need to by celebrating.  What you do to celebrate isn’t as important as noticing that you are doing positive things that enhance your happiness.

What can you celebrate today?

 

 

Holiday Letters

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I always loved getting holiday letters from friends and family. Often it is the only time I heard from people I cared about each year. Over the years, the numbers of cards have decreased and often the letters are brief and impersonal. I am a big proponent of staying in touch with people I love, but I know I could do better. Ron and I wrote a holiday letter together each year, and my first year without him, I decided to write a letter on my own.  Here is the sharing I put on my Christmas card the year Ron died:

Christmas this year is a time of reflection for me. In a year of deep experiences, I’ve learned so              much.

  • I learned the peace of living only in the moment.
  • I learned the joy of spending all my time with Ron.
  • I learned the love of being surrounded by our Ohana and loving friends and family.
  • I learned the gratitude we have for the perfect care given by Hospice.
  • I learned the beauty of Hawaiian culture in the memorial service for Ron on the Beach.
  •  I learned the strength I didn’t realize I have in looking forward to each new day.This holiday season and next year, I wish you peace, joy, love, gratitude, beauty, and strength.

 

I like what I wrote that year. Reading it again showed me how much I have learned and changed since eight years ago. And It made me realize how much I love the tradition of staying in touch. I keep my holiday card list updated, and I don’t delete addresses of people who don’t keep in touch with me because I still think of them and would love to hear from them too!

I am in the prosses of putting my holiday letter together for this year and am sharing with you a fill in the blanks template as an idea for you to create your own letters. Here you go!

This year has brought me (or us, or our family) ______________________

As I reflect, I realize that:

      • I learned that ____________________________________________________
      • I experienced joy by _______________________________________________
      • I love that ________________________________________________________
      • I saw beauty in ____________________________________________________
      • I accomplished __________________________________________________
      • I found peace by _________________________________________________
      • I am grateful for __________________________________________________
      • I love you because _______________________________________________
      • I will keep in better touch with you by ______________________________

This holiday season and next year, I wish you peace, joy, love, gratitude, beauty, and                                strength.

Feel free to change or add anything you’d like. Have fun with this. I hope you will send letters or cards to at least some of your loved ones, and of course, I would love to get something from you!

Keeping in touch, especially with people who are grieving, can make a huge difference to people you care about.

Happy Holidays!

 

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Grief and Happiness Handbook

Grief and Happiness Cards

Grief and Happiness weekly Free Gatherings

[email protected]

Dream Builder Life Coach

Life Master Consultant