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New Year, New You

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While time may seem to stand still while in early grief, it will start picking up speed. Now, each year now seems to fly by faster than the last. The good news is there are ways you can more effectively deal with time to make it your friend.

I know I say this often, but I learned by experience to stay focused on the moment. By being present in each moment, a moment at a time is manageable. In this moment, I am writing to you to help you feel better as I listen to Yo-Yo Mah play Bach on his cello, with the birds in my yard singing cheery songs to each other while feeling a light cool breeze on a sunny day with blue skies. What a lovely way to spend these moments with you.

When you fill your life with all that is good and beautiful, there’s not so much room left to slide into the blues.  Look around you right now and identify 10 good and/or beautiful things you enjoy. While you did this little exercise, I doubt you had room left in your moment for any sadness to sneak in. How easy was that!

I love to make lists because I learn so much from them. You could make a list of 5 things you love to eat that you haven’t had in a while. Then plan how to work those 5 things into your food planning for this week.  Things on my list would be things like marmalade; fresh baked bread; spinach salad with strawberries, goat cheese, and poppyseed dressing; homemade pizza, and Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey ice cream of course.

Try writing a list of friends you’d like to talk to, then call them or invite them out for coffee. Or you could make a list of movies you’d like to see or books you’d like to read. Or make a list of creative things you’d like to try.  I taught myself how to paint watercolor flowers by watching YouTube videos, and I taught myself how to draw by taking a class at a local art center. The gist here is to do something. Anything. Get creative and see what you come up with, then do it!

After my husband died, I realized that the new year was approaching, and I decided I had to make a change. I had been spending way too much of my time alone, not doing anything in particular. In the past I had made New Year’s Resolutions, but like most of us, I forgot what most of them were by the end of January.  I decided that I would set one intention for the year and stick to it.  I just had to figure out what that intention would be. What came to me was to accept invitations. I hadn’t been receiving any invitations, but my feeling was so strong to make this my intention that I decided to give it a try.

Some of the invitations were for little things and others were huge, and I had an amazing time with all I did. I realized that I actually had some invitations before this, but then I automatically turned them down because I was grieving and didn’t want to be a wet blanket. Giving up that sad story allowed me to do things I wouldn’t have dreamed of before from watching a movie my friend suggested, to going to a Patti LaBelle concert, to being on the Ethics Committee for the local medical center, to driving the follow car for a 24-hour bicycle race, to creating a film festival, to going to South Africa! Whew! That’s a lot, but I did even more.

My intention became to say yes first, then allow myself to figure things out. This year of Yes changed my life.  I found that I enjoyed my job teaching at the university much more, I made new friends, I found a new place for me to live, and I smiled. I smiled a lot. My aches and pains and physical complaints melted away. I felt so much better.  And I felt so good, that I found it easy to stay positive and live my life full out in a way that supported me and made me happy, so I have kept it up.

This year my intention was to publish another book and become a best-selling author. I became an international best-selling author when I wrote a chapter for Ignite Forgiveness and that intention came true the first weekend that was published.  And I am finishing up my next book that is being published in March. If you asked me after either of my husband’s died if I would ever do all the things I listed here, I wouldn’t have believed you. But I did all this and much more by learning to say yes and believe that I could fulfill the intentions I make.

As you look at this upcoming year, decide what intention you are going to write. Try choosing just one knowing that it will happen. And when it does, choose another. Your beautiful, surprising life is just waiting for you to say YES!

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, here:

https://smile.amazon.com/Ignite-Forgiveness-Journey-Peace-Harmony-ebook/dp/B0BLFCYYD6/ref=sr_1_1?crid=9C6VAFE42H5C&keywords=ignite+forgiveness+book&qid=1669836040&sprefix=Ignite+forg%2Caps%2C284&sr=8-1

Finding Happiness During The Holidays

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If you are anticipating that your holidays will not be the same as they were before, you are correct. They won’t be the same, yet when you look at all your holidays past, none of them were the same. Now is the time to take really good care of yourself and create the holidays you would like to have this year.

Consider what is most important to you during the season. Prioritize what you would love to experience.  Here are some ideas.

  • What holiday event have you always wanted to go to but for some reason, it didn’t fit into your plans in the past.
    • Have you been to a live performance of the Nutcracker Ballet?
    • How about a performance of Handle’s Messiah?
    • Maybe there is a local play or choir concert.
  • What could you do to serve those less fortunate where you live?
    • Maybe you could plan a pampering day for women in a local shelter.
    • If you’d like a big holiday dinner, who can you invite who would have been alone at dinner time?
    • Is there a local food drive you could make a part of your new holiday tradition?
  • Maybe you could do something special for the children in your family or neighborhood.
    • Gathering children to do a craft project to create a paper chain where they write their wishes on the links could be fun.
    • You could gather some children and read positive stories to them.
    • You could accompany children to go caroling around the neighborhood or to a senior center
    • Schedule selfcare just to pamper you.
    • Schedule a manicure or a facial.
    • Invite a friend you’d love to spend some time with to coffee or to lunch.
    • Go someplace you have never been before for the holidays

On every holiday, I write a letter to who I am grieving. In my case, there are several people, so there are several letters.  I take my time with each letter writing out whatever I want to tell them.  Sometimes I have tears when I write the letters, and just as often, I smile.  I open my heart and reflect on how my life is going, and most times, despite some sorrow, I feel better each time I write the letters.

My favorite part of my letter writing is that after I write each letter, I write a second letter from the person I wrote to back to me. I don’t think about what I write or judge what I am saying.  I just let my thoughts flow, and when I finish the letter, I take a deep breath, and then I read that letter.  This is a time of discovery for me. I reflect on the depth of love, respect, caring, and kindness of the loved ones I am corresponding with. And I know each of them is always in my heart forever.

Instead of anticipating sorrow for the season, focus on planning joy. Focus on your precious self. When you take good care of yourself first, you can relish in the discover of the joy and positivity that will flow your way.

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, here:

https://smile.amazon.com/Ignite-Forgiveness-Journey-Peace-Harmony-ebook/dp/B0BLFCYYD6/ref=sr_1_1?crid=9C6VAFE42H5C&keywords=ignite+forgiveness+book&qid=1669836040&sprefix=Ignite+forg%2Caps%2C284&sr=8-1

 

Can You Change?

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Whether you like it or not, change happens.  Whether you want it or not, change happens. Have you ever thought about that? As much as we expect or would love for things not to change, almost everything does.

When I was growing up, everyone I knew was expected to graduate from high school and get a job that would last a lifetime. At least the boys were.  The girls were expected to stay home to be great mothers and homemakers, and oh the guilt if a girl dared to go to college. I did buck the trend. I went to college, but after a year, I got married. The pressure to do what I was supposed to do was so strong that I gave in to try to be “normal.”

Though it took me years, I finally realized that I could make decisions. I’m so glad I did.  I made my own decisions, and this was so freeing for me, and for my family and loved ones. I learned that I didn’t have to stay in a job I thought was a lifetime career when it was no longer in alignment with what I believed.  Years passed in that dream job before I started realizing I was surrounded by racism and homophobia. And when I walked away from that job, a whole knew, beautiful career opened up for me that never would have had I not been open to change.

Do you willingly embrace change, or do you resist changing what you are comfortable with? Generally, we are not prepared to change when we are comfortable with our lives. But we don’t always know when change will come, so we can’t prepare.  Devastation can come with a traffic accident, a crime committed, a wedding cancelled, a child with a physical challenge is born, or a terminal illness is diagnosed.

The key to dealing with change in a positive way is to be flexible, open, and willing for things to be different. That’s the way to welcome change when grief comes. When we come to accept that things will never be the same as they were before, then we can start to see that we can live with how things have become different.

I had never lived alone before Jacques died, and I had no idea what to do by myself. But I was by myself and had to figure it out. I did sit by myself at home for quite a while until I knew I that I didn’t want to be sad and lonely forever. When that realization came, I did start to open. I started volunteering. I started going to events, even by myself. I accepted invitations. I can’t say this was easy, at least at first. But the more I did, the more I could do.

Change was gradual, and it was also necessary and beautiful. Thirty-year old me would not have believed that I would ever become a university lecturer, the owner of a theatre, school of arts, art gallery, café and catering company, author, speaker, and so much more. I am so grateful, that I allowed myself to break away from who I thought I was supposed to be and have become who I always had the potential to be.

You have the potential to nurture yourself positively through your grief and lead the miraculous life that is waiting for you.

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, here:

https://smile.amazon.com/Ignite-Forgiveness-Journey-Peace-Harmony-ebook/dp/B0BLFCYYD6/ref=sr_1_1?crid=9C6VAFE42H5C&keywords=ignite+forgiveness+book&qid=1669836040&sprefix=Ignite+forg%2Caps%2C284&sr=8-1

Healing My Heart

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When my husband Jacques died, I had many different physical symptoms like a flair of inflammation and insomnia. I spent too much time with doctors trying to find relief, but I eventually did feel better.

Then when Ron’s heart started to fail, I was challenged too.  My blood pressure was way too high which was especially strange to me because I had always had low blood pressure, and I developed an arrythmia in my heartbeat.  While I was concerned, I was mostly focused on Ron and caring for him.

After Ron transitioned, my blood pressure stayed high, and I could even feel my rapid pulse and get light headed. Back to the doctor I went, and my cardiologist told me I had PTSD.  Instead of giving me more medicine, he advised me to stop taking several of the drugs I had been taking. I started feeling physical better when I did this. I had an echocardiogram at this time which showed that the wall of my heart had thickened because my high blood pressure was causing it to work so hard.

My blood pressure was still high and would elevate to dangerous levels. I decided to do whatever I could to start helping myself.  I started being mindful of what I was eating. I took daily walks. I meditated and wrote in my journal every day. And what seems to help me most was helping others by teaching them how to write to deal with their grief. I also became a Happy For No Reason Certified Trainer and started infusing happiness with my teaching and everything else I did.

I started feeling much better and didn’t notice my racing pulse anymore. My blood pressure gradually went down to a normal range consistently.  This all happened when I realized that by doing when I am doing, I am happier now than I ever have been.

This week I had an appointment with my cardiologist after I had a new echocardiogram done, and she was delighted that the thickening of the wall of my heart was no longer there. I asked her how that could be, and she explained that since my heart didn’t have to work so hard because of the hypertension, it was able to heal and she said that now my heart looks perfect.

I recalled hearing how our whole body replaces itself every seven years, so I decided to discover what I could about that.  I found this fascinating article: https://www.discovery.com/science/Body-Really-Replace-Itself-Every-7-Years

I found out that our body is constantly changing in different ways so it made perfect sense that my heart could heal.  What made even more sense was that all I had been doing to take good care of myself actually did make a huge difference in my life. I am now more motivated than ever to keep up all those good self-care habits I started, and I am encouraging others about how important self-care is.

I suggest you eat well, go for a walk, write in your journal, read a good book, weed your garden, visit with friends, and maybe even dance.

Find happiness in your beautiful self, and you will feel so much better!

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

Why Am I Happy?

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When I mention the name of my podcast, Grief and Happiness, to someone, I generally get comments of how those two words don’t go together, but I know in my heart that they do.

People generally think of grief being negative reminding them of great sorrow. I understand that, and I also know that grief is the natural reaction to the loss of a loved one or other kind of traumatic loss.  Yet we can’t stay I that dark place for too long without starting to lose grip on the potential of happiness.

Think of a time when you fell in love.  That was the highest natural high I ever experienced.  Everything is beautiful. Your heart races when you see your loved one. You crave that special touch and tingle all over when you get it. And you revel in pure joy. As incredible as this time is, the relationship gradually settles into a secure, comfortable knowingness of the security true love brings.

Just as you can’t stay at the peak of that passion, you can’t stay at the peak of despair. You may feel that your grief will never lighten, but it does usually so slowly that you don’t notice it is happening. This is the natural order of things. As the grief lessens, breathing becomes easier, your heart doesn’t feel so heavy. Your world doesn’t seem as dark.

When you first start to smile a little, this may feel unnatural, yet gradually, smiling is easier to do. You can notice something that reminds you of something positive about your loved one and you smile without realizing you are. The more you allow yourself to smile, the better you will feel, and laughter will trickle in.

Take a moment to remember something that brings a smile to you about your loved one. Remember what it was like to feel that smile returned to you with love. Revel in that feeling. Know that if your loved one was sitting with you right now, that’s what would happen, your smiles reflecting each other. And it feels good, doesn’t it?

I remember my husband tell me that he always wanted me to be happy, to feel joy. When I start to feel in a funk, I’ll recall his smile and my lips just naturally turn up.

Happiness and grief do go hand in hand.  When you love someone, you want them to be happy.  When you love yourself full out, you want yourself to be happy too. Focus on joy. Focus on positivity. Focus on Love.  Be happy because that is the best way to live, and your loved one would want that for you.

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

When I Let Go

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Rev Rachel Hollander, the President of the board of the Grief and Happiness Alliance Nonprofit Organization, has a beautiful singing voice and is an accomplished song writer, so when she invited me to attend the service on Zoom of the Washington DC Unity Church where she would be singing three songs, I knew I had to attend even though at was at 5 AM Maui time where I live. I am so glad I did!

All week last week when I awakened in the morning l could hear her singing one of the songs she wrote and sang at that service. The name of the song is Float because it came to here fully formed when she was in a flotation tank. The words that reached me deeply are “When I Let Go.”

On the third day in a row I was singing that refrain, I finally got it. That was a message to me. I have lived such a busy life. I always had more to do, not out of obligation, but out of passion. I love my life, and I keep getting inspired to do more. And I am a bit of a perfectionist, so I put a lot of pressure on me to have things exactly the way I want them.

As I heard those lyrics, I knew it was time for a big change. This week I was getting ready to go to Unity Village in Missouri to speak at their grief retreat. We’ve been planning it for months, and I was ready to leave. Then my flight got delayed, which meant that I would not be able to catch my connecting flight. So I saw this as a time to let go. My good friend Shena, who made the flight arrangements for me, was able to get me booked on a different airline, and she got a refund for the other flight.

It was Sunday, and I wasn’t able to reach the person in Missouri who was handling the arrangements for me on that end, so I figured out how to change my transportation from the airport. Although I arrived a day later than planned, I had initially scheduled to arrive a day early to help me with the jet lag from the five hour time difference, so everything worked out perfectly.

In the past, I would have been a nervous wreck. This time I chose to let all that stress go. Everything was handled with ease and grace, and I ended up with a free day to relax with a good book.

I am looking at my life and realize that I will now focus on being rather than doing. And in paying attention, I also see that I had already started this awhile ago.  Now I am being mindful of this change, and you know what? It feels great. I have so much more room and time to be at peace, to listen when someone speaks to me, and to focus on taking care of myself first so that I am present in all I do to live my best life.

How about you? What can you let go of to enhance your beautiful life?

 

You can listen to Rev Rachel’s beautiful song here.

Rev Rachel Hollander

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763