Loss

Secrets

by

A prodigious act of congress was passed this week that requires the release of the Epstein files. These files would never have been released if it weren’t for the victims who came together after keeping their secrets for 30 years or more. They are women now, but most were children when they were taken advantage of by an unknown number of lecherous adults.

These victims continue to come forward as they see that their fellow victims have come forward. They are holding each other up in dealing with the tragedy of their loss of innocence. I admire the strength of these women who are finally ready to release the secrets they have been hiding which have blocked them from being able to live their best authentic lives.

While the Epstein situation is horrendous, sexual abuse and violence is more prevalent than we realize and now hopefully more women and girls in our society will realize that what happened to them is wrong and that it isn’t their fault that they were taken advantage of. And I hope they gain the strength to tell their stories, even if it is just to one trusted person or a counselor.

Holding a story of abuse is heavy.  Your confidence can be destroyed, and you can live your life with a shadow of shame. I was so fortunate that my husband Jacques came into my life when he did, and I was able to tell my story and live my life authentically from then on. I just needed one person to hear me and assure me of my worth. I finally opened to my life.

If you can listen when someone needs to share her story, you may help her to change her life and find that she can smile and even laugh like she hasn’t been able to.

Telling Our Stories

by

We tell stories all the time. Sometimes we share them with others. Other times we keep them to ourselves. What often we don’t realize is that those stories we create shape our lives. Sometimes our stories come from what others say about us that we listen to and incorporate into our lives as they become our stories. Sometimes we make up stories that we think others are saying about us, and those stories can become part of our stories if we allow them to.

After my husband died, I heard very little from friends I had before he became so ill. Since I wasn’t hearing from them, I started considering what they must be saying about me. None of what I made up was positive. I thought they must be saying things like: “She needs space to grieve, so I won’t bother her,” Or “I don’t want to invite her to my party because she would be a wet blanket.” Or “I don’t see her anymore, so she must have new friends.” These stories that others create may have a bit of truth in them, but they certainly weren’t my story, and I didn’t even know if any of these stories were actually told about me.

All that alone time gave me space to consider my new life. I thought about what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go, who I was becoming. I finally reached out to a few friends, but they didn’t call me back. Then I called a friend whose husband died not long before mine did. I realized that I hadn’t called her because I wasn’t sure what I should say to her under the circumstances. I am so glad I called her!  She told me to get out of my house, do something fun, and just breathe. She invited me to a Patti LaBelle concert, and I accepted. That was my turning point,

After the concert, I knew I had to make some changes. In the story that I had been writing about me, I was considering everything that had been happening “to” me. I would never move forward if I was stuck in that thinking. The changes I could make would happen “for” me instead of “to” me. I started reading positive books I was inspired by. I took a quilting class that was at a delightful store I could walk to where I had enjoyed browsing before, and now I had a reason to buy their fabric. I found myself opening to the world around me in so many ways, and that felt good.

The story I tell now is that I can do and experience anything I desire. Though what I am choosing to do is for me, I am creating things “through” me now too in the service of others, and this allows me to live my best life by writing my own story.

What is your story? Are things happening to you, for you, or through you? Try writing your present story and see where it takes you.

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Grief and Happiness Handbook

Grief and Happiness Cards

Grief and Happiness weekly Free Gatherings

[email protected]

Dream Builder Life Coach

Life Master Consultant

Procrastination

by

Do you ever have a morning when it’s hard to get out of bed? You think about all the things you need to do and maybe feel a bit guilty about not getting started. Or maybe you were planning to fix dinner and didn’t get around to it, so another frozen dinner for you. Procrastination often can be overwhelming when you are grieving. You just may not want to do or think about anything, but procrastination does not serve you.

There are different types of procrastination, and they all play a part in bringing you down instead of dealing with your grief in a positive manner. However, when you recognize that you are procrastinating, you can start doing something about it, and you can discover how much better you can feel when it isn’t hanging over your head.

Procrastination can result in worrying. Perhaps you have lots of paperwork to do related to who or what you are grieving. This kind of task may be unfamiliar to you or just plain overwhelming. I can guarantee that the longer you put it off, the more all-encompassing the task will become.  To deal with this, try organizing what you need to do. Put at the top of your list the easier things that won’t take too much time, especially if you are familiar with what’s required. If there are tasks that you are unfamiliar with, get some help from someone you know and are comfortable with. This could be a trusted friend, your financial planner, or your bookkeeper. Legal Aid may be available where you live. You may even want to contact your attorney for legal issues. There is no shame in reaching out and it can bring you much peace of mind.

When you put off required tasks that have deadlines, you can bring on much stress that can make tasks even harder to deal with. Be gentle with yourself and make a plan to get things done ahead of time so that you aren’t putting unnecessary pressure on yourself.

Procrastination also occurs when you find yourself daydreaming instead of doing what you need to. Sometimes I could find myself sitting outside watching clouds go by while my dishes were stacked in the sink, my laundry wasn’t clean, my phone messages and emails weren’t responded to, and I had run out of groceries. While this may happen occasionally, it can easily become overwhelming and so much harder to deal with. Take some time to pay attention to what needs to be done and have a plan you will follow so thing won’t pile up. You will feel so much better when you aren’t overwhelmed by stuff.

Another trap you can fall into is perfectionism. If you are used to having your life in perfect order, when dealing with all the different issues that arrive during grief, things can easily fall out of order.  This can result in you getting frustrated with yourself or even depressed or angry. Just thinking of this can be upsetting, and that doesn’t help.

What you can do to deal with the common issue of procrastination is to practice good selfcare. First, notice when you are procrastinating. That is a huge step. When you notice, think about why you are putting things off. Then try writing an intention that you can repeat to yourself whenever you need to. Let your own words be your inspiration. You have more strength than you know.

 

Grief and Happiness Alliance

[email protected]

You can listen to my Grief and Happiness podcast here or anyplace you listen to podcasts.

What Do You See?

by

Grief affects our perspective. I have a beautiful view from the lanai at the back of my house. I looked across the island of Maui to the West Maui Mountains crowned by pure white clouds. I looked at the valley that bisects the island. I gazed at my glorious garden of tropical plants and bananas. Yet what I saw was the empty chair next to mine where my husband used to sit. Everything else felt abstract and superficial. That empty comfortable yard chair is where he spent so many hours communicating, helping others, reading, meditating, smoking a cigar, or gazing at me as I looked back with love. That chair brought me longing, loneliness, and change.

As time has gone by, I still imagine him sitting there, sharing wise words, bringing forth my smile and wonder. And I also reflect on the strength that I have grown into. When he first died, I didn’t recognize myself in the mirror. And I didn’t remember what my smile looked like. Gradually, I have come to see the woman I am becoming. As I have learned the importance of focusing on positivity, joy, gratitude, self-care, and self-love, I am happier now than I ever have been.

When I look at his chair now, I see memories of a beautiful relationship and deep love. When I look in the mirror now, I see peace, contentment, and love.

Henry David Thoreau said, “It’s not what you look at, but what you see.”  And I say what you see is who you are becoming.

Who are you becoming?

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Emily Thiroux Threatt email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my Grief and Happiness podcast here or anyplace you listen to podcasts.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Holding On

by

One thing in life that is for sure is you can’t go back, can’t have a do-over. When dealing with grief for anyone or anything, many of us spend lots of time thinking about the past. We cherish all that was good about our loved ones, and dwell on unpleasant times or things we are sorry about. You may also be feeling regret for plans you had for your future that are no longer possible. This is perfectly normal in early grief, and it has little to do with your life now.

Now, today, and from this day forward, the best thing you can do for yourself is release trying to change your past. Your past is your past. Nothing can be done that can change anything, so dwelling on things that aren’t what you wanted them to be just wastes your time and keeps you stuck. If that seems easier said than done, try this. Choose one thing that bothers you like you didn’t get to move into your dream home together that you had had planned for and worked toward together for years. In your journal, write about that dream home and include all the details you can think of. When you complete that, put it aside.

Now, consider what your life is like and dream in your journal about where you would love to live in your new life now. Include all the details. Maybe in the past you had dreamed of neutral colors like beige, cream, and taupe. In your new home your colors may be lavender and light, warm butter yellow. Maybe you’ve always had a yard that was mostly grass, but you have always wanted an English country garden with tons of different flowers. Maybe you now live in Arizona where your garden would be burned up from the heat, so maybe now is the time to dream of that garden in Northern California where you could also have a wood burning fireplace.

Have fun with this journaling. Try writing about your dream home more than once, maybe moving it to different places where you could enjoy living now more than you would have with your previous dream home. And maybe your dream home is right where you are living now. Try writing about that including everything you’d love about it as well as things you’d like to change. Focus on enjoying the process of examining your life now. Maybe it’s not where you are living you want to focus on. Maybe you need to earn a living, but you are unsatisfied with the career you have had up till now.  Follow this same writing process just changing the subject matter.

The key here is to focus on your now. What can you do now help you move toward your new dream? And what can you do now to live your very best life full of supportive self-care? You can remember what you have learned and loved in your past, and you can dream of what you can learn and love in the future, but put your time and energy on your now. You can make your now wonderful. That’s why they call your now the present.

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Emily Thiroux Threatt email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my Grief and Happiness podcast here or anyplace you listen to podcasts.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

 

Hugs

by

When I was a little girl, I loved going to visit my grandmother because she gave me such sweet hugs. She always smelled like her carnation toilet water, and her soft, strong arms made me feel loved and secure. However, she was my only source for hugs. I did not see other people hugging. My parents held hands, but I didn’t see them hugging. The only time I remember my mother hugging me was when I was distraught over the miscarriage I had.

I finally started giving and receiving hugs from my husband Jacques’s Italian family. I felt a part of his family with all those hugs and kisses on my cheek. They didn’t have to know someone to greet them with a hug and a smile. What a wonderful feeling. I still am challenged in initiating a hug, but I definitely hug back when someone hugs me. And I feel the benefits of sharing hugs.

“Virginia Satir, a world-renowned family therapist, is famous for saying ’We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.’” That sounds so wonderful, yet when we are grieving, often no one is there to share a hug with. I have taught myself to reach out to people when they are sad. I start with something not as intimate as a hug, like sitting next to them, putting my hand on their shoulder, or holding their hand. You can feel the positive energy flowing between you.

Research indicates that there are many benefits from hugging, like:

  • Protecting your heart
  • Reducing your stress
  • Increasing your happiness
  • Enhancing your relationships
  • Promoting better sleep
  • Improving your mood and relationships
  • And many more

How do you feel when you give or get a hug?  Human touch is a vital part of being alive, and touching animals is also beneficial. I love when my neighbor brings her dog to visit me. He loves to be petted, and I love to pet him.  I don’t remember the last time I was around a cat until last week.  I visited a friend and her big, soft cat climbed on to my lap and started to purr. That felt so good.

Find a way to include more touch and hugs into your life. I know it will make you feel better.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Emily Thiroux Threatt email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my Grief and Happiness podcast here or anyplace you listen to podcasts.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.