Grief

An Affair?

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I heard the other day someone say you should have an affair with yourself, and I smiled. What a good idea!  The most important person for you to love is yourself. Sometimes we forget that when a loved one dies. We may say something like a part of you is missing. I understand that idea, but it isn’t the truth. The truth is you are whole just the way you are.

When I chose what to wear, I find myself thinking of things like “Mom loved that color,” “Jacques was so amazed that I could sew beautiful clothes for myself,” or “Ron bought me that sweater and I always think of him when I wear it.” These types of memories don’t keep us stuck in the past, but they can make us smile, and you are always more beautiful with a smile on your face.

When you want a snack, treat yourself to some fresh cherries or watermelon instead of a bag of chips. When you want a drink, treat yourself to a new tea flavor, hot or iced instead of a cup of wine. When you want to go out, find some friends to go with you and try something new like learning how to paint, playing pickleball, or trying a new food truck.

You can choose to be happy maybe one step at a time. The more steps you take, the weight of your grief can start falling away. You can always keep your loved one in your heart, and you can also expand your happiness at the same time.

Take yourself on a date this week!

have an affair with yourself, you will remember that you are whole, perfect, complete, and beautiful. You will also choose to treat yourself the very best by taking special, tender care of your physical self. You will eat wisely and well, and you’ll always bathe and brush your teeth. You will dress in clothes that make you feel good about yourself. I say all this because so many people who are grieving let things go. Just getting out of bed sometimes may feel impossible, but you can do it.

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Grief and Happiness Handbook

Grief and Happiness Cards

Grief and Happiness weekly Free Gatherings

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Dream Builder Life Coach

Life Master Consultant

Perfection

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We would all love to be perfect and do all we do perfectly. Practically, we also all know that’s not going to happen. I have spent hours working to make a chapter in a book I was writing perfect. I have also spent hours working on a ceramic sculpture or creating a painting, yet they always could be better in some way. Many of us strive to be perfect or to make perfect creations.

I spent years teaching writing at the university and always had writing assignments I had given to correct, and almost every submission had something to correct. I don’t know about you, but I do lots of different things, often when I’m short of time, and that often leads to errors. Everyone makes mistakes or could do a better job on anything they are doing. Now I don’t suggest being sloppy in what we do, but I would love to have the time back I have spent on my obsession to be perfect.

What does this have to do with grief? Have you spent time trying to figure out how to grieve? What does good grief look like? Have you wondered if you will ever feel better or if you will ever get over grieving? These are common feelings people have, so you are not alone. The good news is, grief is never perfect, so it isn’t a goal you need to strive for.

Take your time with your grieving. There is no rush. I know I will grieve for those I love for the rest of my life. They will always be in my heart, but as time goes on, the pain subsides and is replaced by the beautiful softness of the love you shared. There is no such thing as perfect grief. Grief is whatever you make it, and what you make it is up to you.

 

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Grief and Happiness Handbook

Grief and Happiness Cards

Grief and Happiness weekly Free Gatherings

[email protected]

Dream Builder Life Coach

Life Master Consultant

 

The Journey

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As we navigate through grief, we deal with a plethora of challenges.Many changes are beyond what we could have imagined. We may experience uncertainty and fear as we start to move forward. Yet with all this, much of what happens is not negative. The key to having the best outcome is to focus on what’s good.

Something that can pile up is all the paper work from sorting medical bills to contacting life insurance companies. There may be memberships to cancel and more. And there will be people to notify like family, friends, employers, and more. As all these things and more pile up, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed. 

As the to-do pile on the desk seems to grow on its own, instead of ignoring it, start working on it a bit at a time. Set a goal to work on it for a certain time, and when you reach the goal, reward yourself so you have something to look forward to. Try working for 15 minutes, then go for a walk or call a friend. Or sort your piles into priority levels, and anything that is a low priority for now, put away in a drawer so the pile won’t seem so big for now.

If you’ve been spending time in bed or just sitting in front of tv, set goals for yourself to get up and move. Call a neighbor to go for a walk with you. Or go window shopping at a new mall. Or go to a favorite bakery or food truck fora treat. Or you may get lost in a great book you have always wanted to read.

What all these things have in common is you are rewarding yourself for completing something you need to by celebrating.  What you do to celebrate isn’t as important as noticing that you are doing positive things that enhance your happiness.

What can you celebrate today?

 

 

Be Your Own Best Friend

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So many times, I have heard someone who is grieving say “I’ve lost my best friend.” I understand that feeling, especially when the person being grieved is a spouse. You have had someone you woke up and started the day with. You had common interests. You had someone you can turn to and talk to. Boy, I’m missing my husbands right now just writing this! Yet you still can have a best friend with you all the time!  All you do to find this friend is realize, it’s you!

In early grief when both my husbands died, I have to admit, I was lonely. At the same time, I felt that no one else could take their places, so I sat alone. I realized this wasn’t serving me. Then I remembered how after a long day of work at the theatre, I would go into rehearsals in the evening. When I got home after a twelve hour day, Jacques always had something ready for me to eat. I was so grateful for his thoughtfulness. Now I have learned that if I have been working long hours, I need to remember to eat something healthy, and I smile and remember his love when I do.

Now I am fixing my own healthy meals and taking care of myself. And I have a lovely orchid plant in my living groom that I bought for myself because it brought me joy. I am taking good care of me and enjoy my own company. But I didn’t stop there. I love the company of others and have made many new friends as well as staying in touch with friends I have made throughout my lifetime. I have neighbors who join me every week to share the bounty of our gardens. And I meet with a group we call Art Ladies to paint together, and I am in another group that goes together to plays and musicals. I attend church in California by Zoom because I love the people there. I stay in touch with friends I have had throughout my life by social media, email, and visits.

I have made all these new friends and stayed in touch with old friends because it feeds my soul, and I hope theirs too. I am being my own best friend by nurturing myself with loving relationships with lots of people while I take the best care of me by enjoying being outside watching the clouds go by and watching the beautiful sunsets. I write in my journal and write books to comfort others. I meet incredible people by hosting my popular podcast and help my listeners with the content I provide. I enjoy an occasional scoop of coffee ice cream, and I pretty much do whatever I want to. I love my best friend unconditionally.

Are you your own best friend? If not, what can you do to nurture that relationship? If you are, I am so happy for you!

 

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Grief and Happiness Handbook

Grief and Happiness Cards

Grief and Happiness weekly Free Gatherings

[email protected]

Dream Builder Life Coach

Life Master Consultant

 

Telling Our Stories

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We tell stories all the time. Sometimes we share them with others. Other times we keep them to ourselves. What often we don’t realize is that those stories we create shape our lives. Sometimes our stories come from what others say about us that we listen to and incorporate into our lives as they become our stories. Sometimes we make up stories that we think others are saying about us, and those stories can become part of our stories if we allow them to.

After my husband died, I heard very little from friends I had before he became so ill. Since I wasn’t hearing from them, I started considering what they must be saying about me. None of what I made up was positive. I thought they must be saying things like: “She needs space to grieve, so I won’t bother her,” Or “I don’t want to invite her to my party because she would be a wet blanket.” Or “I don’t see her anymore, so she must have new friends.” These stories that others create may have a bit of truth in them, but they certainly weren’t my story, and I didn’t even know if any of these stories were actually told about me.

All that alone time gave me space to consider my new life. I thought about what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go, who I was becoming. I finally reached out to a few friends, but they didn’t call me back. Then I called a friend whose husband died not long before mine did. I realized that I hadn’t called her because I wasn’t sure what I should say to her under the circumstances. I am so glad I called her!  She told me to get out of my house, do something fun, and just breathe. She invited me to a Patti LaBelle concert, and I accepted. That was my turning point,

After the concert, I knew I had to make some changes. In the story that I had been writing about me, I was considering everything that had been happening “to” me. I would never move forward if I was stuck in that thinking. The changes I could make would happen “for” me instead of “to” me. I started reading positive books I was inspired by. I took a quilting class that was at a delightful store I could walk to where I had enjoyed browsing before, and now I had a reason to buy their fabric. I found myself opening to the world around me in so many ways, and that felt good.

The story I tell now is that I can do and experience anything I desire. Though what I am choosing to do is for me, I am creating things “through” me now too in the service of others, and this allows me to live my best life by writing my own story.

What is your story? Are things happening to you, for you, or through you? Try writing your present story and see where it takes you.

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Grief and Happiness Handbook

Grief and Happiness Cards

Grief and Happiness weekly Free Gatherings

[email protected]

Dream Builder Life Coach

Life Master Consultant

Wired for Negativity

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In Greg Hamer MD’s book The Mindful Teen, he says: “Our brains are wired in ways that tend to interfere with our ability to be more grateful—and happy. We are programed to have a negativity bias—we tend to remember the negative and forget or marginalize our positive experiences.” When I read that I remember thinking I wish someone would have told me that when I was a teenager.

I realize now that statement doesn’t just apply to teens. My parents rarely said anything to me about something I did or said that was positive, but if I brought home a low grade on a report card, I’d never hear the end of it. I always tried to do my best, but they rarely noticed. I noticed their reactions, and I constantly tried to do things that were positive to make them proud, but if they were, I would never know. I don’t hold this against them now because I realize that they were doing the best they could with what they had learned throughout their lives.

With my own children, I always tried to let them know how beautiful, bright, and loved they were and are still, telling them things I had wished I would have heard when I was growing up.  I do that too with the people I work with, encouraging them to practice self-love and self-care. We are fortunate that our brains may be rewired to focus on gratitude and happiness.  With a little effort and mindfulness we can train our brains to notice and remember the positive instead of the negative.

How does all this work for you? What do you focus on? How do you respond to people you care about?  Can you identify something in your brain you’d like to rewire? My negativity took me a long while to rewire, but with concentration and focus, I have bright, new shiny wiring in my brain I love to use to reflect my positivity and unconditional love and to support to others.

We are fortunate that our brains may be rewired to focus on gratitude and happiness.  With a little effort and mindfulness we can train our brains to notice and remember the positive instead of the negative.

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Grief and Happiness Handbook

Grief and Happiness Cards

Grief and Happiness weekly Free Gatherings

[email protected]

Dream Builder Life Coach

Life Master Consultant