Fear

Excuses

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When anyone asks me what the most important thing to do while grieving is, I always respond “Self-care.” Generally, taking good care of ourselves while we are focused on the barrage of things that hit us during grief is the last thing we have on our minds. And if we do think of it, excuses on why not to pay attention to our personal needs often block our way. We turn to excuses like “I am too tired,” “I don’t have the energy,” or even “I just don’t care.” All these responses don’t serve us and just make the situation worse. The good news is by eliminating excuses for not doing what would help you feel better, you can start feeling better.

If you are saying “I’m too tired,” ask yourself if you really are tired. If you really are tired, take a nap or cuddle up in a cozy chair and read a good book. Grieving takes lots of energy, and resting may be just what you need.

If you are saying “I don’t have the energy,” ask yourself why you don’t have the energy. Ironically, the less you do, the more out of energy you can feel. When you feel your energy drain, try going for a walk, or doing some laundry, or clean out a drawer you’ve been meaning to.  Doing things like this may inspire you to do other things you might enjoy like picking some flowers, baking some cookies, or watching a movie you’ve wanted to see. Doing what you love to do can generate more energy.

If you are saying “I just don’t care,” pay attention to that. Caring for yourself is so important, and that’s something only you can do. What would you love to do that could help you shift your focus? If you really don’t care, you may be slipping into depression.  If that is the case, make an appointment with your doctor or a counselor. Help is available.

Pay attention to what you say. Excuses never serve you. If you find yourself trying to justify  what you are saying and what you aren’t doing, try restating your thoughts to take them in a more positive direction.

Eliminating excuses from your life can make room for more happiness. Enjoy!

 

Grief and Happiness Alliance

[email protected]

You can listen to my Grief and Happiness podcast here or anyplace you listen to podcasts.

Hanging On

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I admit it. I procrastinate. Do you? I have discovered the more time I procrastinate, the less time I have in my life to enjoy and really live. I keep a to-do list mostly because I think if I don’t write it down, I won’t remember to do it. However, the more I write on that list, the less likely I am to complete all the things I think I must do! And I am realizing as I have more to put on that list, the less I get done.

Do you do this? Writing the list or just keeping all you must do in mind is a thief of time, yet I haven’t been able to give up that list, yet. Now I am examining that list and wondering how everything on it got there. In this process, I see that I am hanging on to things that I don’t need to. One of the things that has taken up permanent residence on my list is to file. In early grief, I found the mail arriving every day was overwhelming, so I left it on a pile on my desk. The bigger the pile got, the heaver the burden of it became.

I realized that I had to address that pile. I sat with the pile and a trash can and tossed all that didn’t matter: advertisements, coupons, offers of things that did not concern me, and invitations to events I was not interested in. That got rid of about 80% of that pile. That eye opener made me wonder why I had been allowing that pile of mail to intimidate me. I resolved to sort my mail on the way from the house and dump all I do not need in the trash can outside before it even enters the house. Then I was easily able to deal with anything important, and the huge pile of mail ceased to exist.

Now when I look at my list, I no longer see the words mail and file on the list. In wondering why this had become such a big deal to me, I remembered that my husbands loved to pick up the mail and go through it each day. I miss them doing that. I miss the agreements we had to support each other by taking on the tasks we did. I missed seeing their names on the envelopes that arrived reminding me that we lived and loved in this home.  Keeping all that mail served no good purpose, and I have plenty of things that are constant reminders of them.  Releasing felt good.

I’ve continued examining my list, and it gets shorter as I see no reason to hang on to things that don’t serve me. Now I am able to eliminate the clutter in my home and my life as I no longer keep his favorite food on hand that I am never going to eat. I no longer watch sports on tv that I used to watch with him because he enjoyed it so much. I still feel his presence and love, I still enjoy my memories. And I have opened so much space in order to live my best life now enjoying every moment along the way.

What can you release?

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my Grief and Happiness podcast here or anyplace you listen to podcasts.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

The Emotions of Grief

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“The three main feelings people struggle with are fear, anger, and sadness.”

Gay Hendricks

 

When I read this quote in Gay Hendricks’ book Your Big Leap Year, I realized this could be a definition of grief for many people. However, it doesn’t have to be. When you recognize you are experiencing one or more of these emotions at any time while you are grieving, think about what is causing it right then, then think about how you can deal with this experience. Remember, you can experience all these feelings at the same time.

Sadness is probably the most common emotion people equate with grief, and that’s OK. The problem comes when you get stuck in that funk. To deal with this, when the tears come, let them. Cry when you need to. The more you cry, the less you will need to. Allow yourself to feel your feelings. You can also write about what you are feeling, or about the memory that brought the tears. This is also a good time to talk to a trusted friend. Be sure to tell your friend that you are not seeking advice, you just want to tell your story to a compassionate listener. Just as your tears wane, the need to repeat your story will lessen once you have fully expressed it.

Identifying where your fear is coming from will allow you to deal with this. Maybe you have never lived alone before, or you are not sure how you will be able to manage your expenses without your loved one’s income. Maybe you have huge medical bills. You may even feel that you don’t know how to move forward. Much of what you may fear may come from anticipatory issues. If this occurs, start by writing about it. What is it that frightens you? You may want to make an appointment with a financial advisor. You also may choose to go to a grief counselor to support you.

Anger can be triggered by so many things, some rational and some not. As with fear, identify where the anger is coming from. Maybe you are mad at your loved one who died for not losing weight or exercising that you may have thought would save him. Or you are angry at your boss for firing you. Or you are mad about the results of an election. On the surface, your anger may be triggered by something that doesn’t seem to be related to your grief, but when you write about it or talk about it, the true cause will have the opportunity to surface.

Be sure to seek help from a counselor if you feel you can’t handle any of these issues on your own. There are many more emotions that these three. When you realize you are dealing with a different emotion, write about it in your journal and see what you discover about it. Paying attention to your emotions is an important element of yourself care.

Always remember to love yourself and practice selfcare.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Our Loving Will Change the World

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Our Loving Will Change the World 

 I live in Hawaii and love the culture and traditions here. I learned the ancient Hawaiian tradition of Ho’oponopono when I participated in Marci Shimoff’s Happy for No Reason Certified Trainer program. This tradition had been used widely to resolve issues and practice forgiveness in places from families to government.

One powerful example was when Hawaii had a prison for the criminally insane. The prisoners were violent, and the prison was constantly in turmoil. A doctor was brought in to help with the problem. Instead of working directly with the patients, he read their files and practiced Ho’oponopono as he read each one. As he kept doing this, the prisoners started to calm down. Gradually, they became cooperative and one by one they were released from this special prison and this prison was able to close.

The forgiveness entrenched in the practice worked this miracle. The good news is anyone can do this practice which isn’t confined strictly to Kahunas, the spiritual leaders in Hawaii. To practice Ho’oponopono, concentrate on the person you wish to forgive and say:

I am sorry

Please forgive me

Thank you

I love you

That’s all you need to do. Starting by doing Ho’oponopono for yourself first is ideal. You can say it or write it. You can do it on your own or do it directly to the person you wish to forgive.

When searching for a way to help with the turmoil our country is currently experiencing, I remembered this practice and started writing it in my journal every day. I began by writing it directed to specific people, then I realized that everyone needs it, so now this is what I write:

To all the people of the world:

I am sorry

Please forgive me

Thank you

I love you

I see now that the more people who practice this, the more powerful it will be. You can quietly repeat it in your mind several times a day or write it in your journal.

In research done my Lynne McTaggart for the book The Power of 8, she discovered that when 8 people come together to focus on one intention, it can be realized. I have seen this happen. Just think about what we all can do by focusing on this intention together with love.

Together, our loving can change the world.

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Generosity

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Recently I read about how the Choctaw nation was forced to leave their ancestral homeland in the southeastern United States and walk to what is now Oklahoma on a journey known as The Trail of Tears.  During this time in 1847, Ireland was experiencing the great potato famine. I can’t imagine how these two groups of people learned about the suffering each was enduring, but they did. The Choctaw wanted to help the Irish even while their own people were suffering and starving to death. They managed to collect $170 which today would be the equivalent of so much more, and they gave that fortune to the Irish.

Till this day, the Choctaw and Irish maintain a special relationship and honor each other. 

This type of long standing support for others in a time of need is sometimes hard to find.  When people tell me their grief experiences, they often tell me about having friends distance themselves. Seeing someone in grief can foster memories of loss. I remember calling myself a Black Widow when I wasn’t included in gatherings with friends or family. Experiencing things like this inspired me to reach out to others who are grieving. I include them whenever I can, and I listen to their stories. 

Have you felt ostracized or lonely while grieving? Have you witnessed that happening to others? What can you do to be generous? Reach out to people dealing with loss. Expand your circle of friends. Open your heart. Include and invite people you may not have thought of before. Your loving can change their world.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Trauma

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I recently attended a women’s retreat, and when one of the speakers asked how many of us had experienced sexual trauma during our lives, almost every person there raised their hand. I was shocked. I had my hand up too, and realized that I have gone through my life not talking to anyone about what occurred to me as a 16-year-old. Though I hadn’t shared this information, it affected me deeply and changed the course of my life.

I wonder why so many of us don’t talk about traumatic experiences. My experience caused years of fear, worry, doubt, and lack of self-esteem. I escaped my feelings by throwing myself into busy-ness, trying to somehow prove that I was a good person though I am not sure I believed it myself. When I finally got into a great relationship, things started to turn around as I experienced true love and respect for the first time. I am sure this came because I had finally learned to love and respect myself.

How are you? Would you raise your hand if you were asked if you experienced trauma? If you would and you haven’t dealt with it, deal with it now. Start by writing yourself a letter listing all the good things about you. Are you kind? Are you happy? Are you reliable? Are you funny? Are you compassionate? Keep writing until you have a good long list. Thank yourself for all that is good and even great about you. Write your favorite examples of things you do that make you and others smile. Keep writing until you have a good, long letter describing the beautiful, wonderful person you are.

Keeping a journal is another way you can keep in touch with the special person you are. Make note of the kindness you extend to others. Keep track of the special things you do. Plan ahead for the wonderful things you are accomplishing. Notice your beautiful smile as you catch your reflection in a mirror.

Also, be sure to remove yourself from situations that can lead you in a negative direction.  If this proves hard for you, you may want to seek professional counselling. You are worth it.

When I was younger, I felt stuck in the life I thought I had to live. Now I’ve learned to live my best life, making healthy choices, and helping others along the way. You can do this too. Enjoy the process!

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.