writing through grief

You Get to Decide

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At some point, we all live and we all die. What we do in between is up to us.

When I first found a carry-on suitcase that had wheels, I was thrilled at how easy it was to use. Then I just put more, heavier things in it. Those heavy things made it harder to handle and much more difficult to put in the overhead storage for the flight. My new wheeled suitcase brought more problems than I had before when I carried a much smaller, lighter bag.

Do you carry the baggage of your grief that no longer serves you? This is an easy trap to step in to. You can become exhausted by the emotions and memories you keep piling on. You may carry the weight of witnessing the sorrow and suffering your loved one experienced in the final days. Or you may be carrying a list of things you feel you could have, should have, or

would have done for your loved one, but you didn’t.

Negative memories can be heavy, and the longer you carry them, the heavier they get until you’re exhausted and find it difficult to move forward. You may not even realize you are doing this.

Start unpacking your bag one item at a time. Examine each item and ask yourself it serves you now. You’ll find some items that never served you like the guilt you feel over your failure to prevent your loved one from eating so much that their health was affected. Think about that. Were you responsible for the quantity or type of food your loved one ate? No. You weren’t. So why carry that around? Let it go.

As you remove each item from the bag, consider your story about it. For instance, you may have identified some things you know you need to deal with like removing your loved one’s name from your bank account. Your story could be that when you do that, your loved one’s death will feel final. The truth is, you already know your loved one died, so remove the book that tells that story, and your suitcase becomes lighter.

Think of each story as a book that you won’t need to carry around in your suitcase once you have read it.  The more stories you release, the lighter your carry-on becomes.

The more we carry, the more exhaustion builds up. This exhaustion magnifies and can bring you to a place where it’s just too hard to step forward. Are you there? Or maybe you’re on the way.

Take some time for yourself to unpack the heavy suitcase of your grief you’ve been dragging around. Examine each story, do what you need to so you can finish reading about it, and then close and release the book.

When you deal with your stories one at a time, you can eventually release any of them that no longer serve you making space for more peace, more joy, and more love in your life. Then you can start moving forward.

 

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here. https://a.co/d/eWNx3j1

2023

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A friend told me that she couldn’t wait for 2023 to be over because so many terrible things happened. I found myself making a list of those things. There were so many, and they seem to be multiplying towards the end of the year. Then an oft heard saying came to mind, “What you resist persists.” So, I made the decision to make a list of the beautiful things I remember instead. This is part of my list which could have gone on for pages:

  • New babies were born in my family.
  • I am loving learning to do watercolor painting and making new friends in the process.
  • The company I am part owner of is thriving still after 63 years.
  • Relationships I have are deepening and becoming more precious.
  • I am healthy and strong after dealing with a few challenges this year.
  • I have accepted invitations which lead to beautiful experiences.
  • My new book was published and became a best seller.
  • I published my beautiful Grief and Happiness Cards.
  • Maui has become green again after a long period of brown.
  • The Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings are growing and bring happiness to those who attend.
  • My podcast has more than 12,000 downloads and attendance is growing.
  • I helped co-create a new facilitator training program for the Grief and Happiness Alliance.
  • Dear friends came to visit me in Maui.
  • My vegetable garden is thriving.
  • I am loving teaching journaling classes.
  • I provided shelter to evacuees from the wildfires on Maui.
  • I learned how to cook Chinese food that I love.
  • I have made new friends.
  • I attended a powerful film festival.
  • I have enjoyed many beautiful sunsets and rainbows.
  • I attended a weeklong seminar in caring for the dying which was deep and beautiful.
  • I discovered how wonderful the chocolate from Maui Ku’ia Estate is.
  • I enjoyed going to hear live music.
  • I notice the positivity and smiles in all my experiences.
  • And much more.

While some of the events from this year were tragic, I saw the beauty of people being generous and serving people experiencing unthinkable loss.

I encourage you to make a list of the joy and beauty you experienced in 2023, and focus on that and discover how you can expand it during 2024.

I started writing this inspired by “What you resist persists,” but I have changed my mantra to “What you embrace thrives.” What will you embrace from your experience of 2023?

I wish for you great beauty, comfort, support, love, and happiness in 2024.

 

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here. https://a.co/d/eWNx3j1

Love Letters

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I just read Jane Asher’s book The Next Room. She wrote this book with her mother and it is filled with wisdom.  I felt like I was in the room with them as Jane asked her mother deep questions and her answers were kind, deep, and filled with love. They were questions she would have loved to talk to her mother about while she was alive.

Jane came from a close, big family. She was the youngest and remembers growing up in a small town. When her mother died, her father asked Jane if he could talk with her friend who communicates with people after they transition. Her dad received so much comfort from their communication that she chose to meet with her friend too.

Jane had questions for her mother, so she shared these with her friend and her friend told Jane her mother’s answers. She was comforted and amazed by what her mother shared, so she wrote it all down to remember this guidance. Jane knew she had to write what she learned from her mother in a book.

Jane also realized she could communicate with her mother without the help of a medium, so she asked her mother to write with her, and her mother said yes. They wrote The Next Room together and I highly recommend this beautiful book.

Inspired by Jane’s book, I now include asking questions of my loved ones who have transitioned when I I write in my journal daily. My journaling has become much longer, and I am comforted by the answers I receive that are always filled with love.

If you are skeptical about this, I understand. I can’t tell you for sure that the answers I receive come from my loved ones. I may already embody the discernment I am seeking, and writing my questions in my journal allows me to discover what I already know.

Wherever the answers that I write in my journal come from, I accept them as love letters from my family and friends.  And each morning when I close my journal, I am smiling and grateful for all I discover in my writing.

Try writing to your departed loved ones and see what they share with you. You will be so happy you did!

 

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

Choose Your Guide

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Every Sunday the Grief and Happiness Alliance gathers on Zoom to write together and learn happiness practices. We write on different subjects every time, and when we share what we wrote about, we learn much from each other.

This week, I invited the participants to write a dialogue, a conversation with someone they would love to have a guide or mentor them through their grieving. Whoever they chose didn’t have to be living now. The range of people they chose revealed the distinctiveness of concerns the participants were dealing with.

One chose Maya Angelou because of her strength and tenacity in dealing with life. Ms. Angelou is a powerful storyteller who explores deep truths.  I was fortunate to be in her presence when I attended a conference where she was the speaker. I’ll never forget her powerful, resonant voice, which enlivened each word she uttered. Since that experience, whenever I read something she wrote, I hear her speaking the words in my mind and feel her power. I would love to have a conversation with her to hear her advice for me.

Another writer in our group chose Thich Naht Hanh, a Vietnamese Buddhist monk who is considered to be the “father of mindfulness.” With his gentle words, he explores concepts like loneliness, worrying, and peace with sage advice for anyone, yet we can apply that guidance to our grief experience now. Just thinking about his gentle spirit and tranquil smile brings me peace.

Others chose people like a favorite minister or a lifelong friend.  We were all seeking different types of guidance and comfort. I found myself in a conversation with my husband, Ron.  I asked him a question, and his words just poured out with consummate guidance that not only helped me right now but are guiding my next steps. When this happened, I realized I needed to contact him more often. Just as when we used to have our wonderful conversations on our lanai, we can still have them now. I just realized that the word for patio in Hawaiian is lanai, and the word for heaven is lani. So similar. Our very special place to spend time together is still here and is heavenly.

Who would you like to have as your guide or mentor as you deal with grief? You could have more than one. When you keep your heart open to inspiration, you discover your guidance is already there, waiting for you to notice it.

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance, which meets weekly on Sundays, by clicking here.

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Guide by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

Reflections on Manifestations 

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My new book, The Grief and Happiness Handbook, launches this Friday, July 7, 2023. Last week, my publisher asked me what my intention is related to the book. I told her that the book is a bestseller, and I am thrilled because I know it is bringing comfort, support, love, and happiness to all who read it. Now I am watching that manifestation unfold.

I did some serious soul-searching after my husband Ron died. We moved to Maui just two years before his transition. I had met wonderful neighbors and some of Ron’s friends from when he lived here long before I knew him. At that point, though, I was pretty much alone and longed to know what I was supposed to do with the rest of my life. In my exploration process, I journaled a lot, revealing to me the value of writing to deal with loss.

I realized that my new purpose in life was to help myself by helping others deal with their grief using writing in the process.

When Ron’s friend Chappy died a few months after Ron, I decided to write his dear wife Lori a card every week for a year. As I created those cards, I realized I had an outline for a book with the subjects of those 52 cards. I had written three university-level textbooks at that point, and I was teaching writing at the university, so writing a book helping people learn how to write through grief seemed to be my logical goal. My challenge was finding a publisher.  My agent and I worked for months approaching publishers.

A friend invited me to attend a group where people shared what they were manifesting and then supported each other toward those manifestations.  I went with her and told my new friends that I was manifesting the publisher for my book. I continued to focus on that and attend the meetings, and in two months, I had my publisher.

When I wrote my next book, my publisher wanted to wait a year or two before they published it, and since I didn’t want to wait, I set my intention to manifest the perfect publisher for my new book. When I talked to one of my podcast guests, she told me how wonderful her publisher is, so I approached that publisher, Ignite Publishers, and my guest was right.  Ignite is a wonderful publisher.

I am reflecting on being grateful to manifest the perfect publishers for these two books this week. I became aware of the process of manifestation after my husband Jacques died.  Two friends of mine suggested that I watch the movie The Secret. The movie is about the power of manifestation and stars many experts in the field, including Michael Bernard Beckwith, founder of the Agape International Spiritual Center; Jack Canfield, creator of the Chicken Soup for the Soul series; and Marci Shimoff, author of Happy for No Reason and founder of the Happy For No Reason Certified Trainer program.  In the years after I watched that movie, these three people have assisted me in my efforts to help those dealing with loss. I found that Michael Bernard Beckwith was a childhood friend of my husband Ron. He conducted the celebration of life we held for Ron and wrote the forward to my book Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief. Jack Canfield did a beautiful interview with me about that book. You can watch it on my website. And Marci welcomed me into her happiness training program and wrote the forward for my new book, The Grief and Happiness Handbook.

When I watched The Secret, I had no idea how it would help me on my journey. By being willing and open to living my best life, much wonder and good has come to me. Looking back, I realize that I have been manifesting things throughout my life without realizing that was what I was doing. For instance, in every job I have had, I was invited to do rather than search for a job. I’ve manifested buying and selling homes with ease and grace.  I manifested creating my live theatre. I manifested perfect roles for me to perform in plays.  And I could go on forever.

Manifestation is a powerful tool to create your dreams. I encourage you to manifest your best life or maybe, like me, realize that is what you have been doing all along.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance, which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

Your Words

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William Shakespeare wrote many plays: comedies, histories, and tragedies. He also wrote poetry, especially sonnets. He wrote all this centuries ago, yet his words are read, spoken, and performed around the world still. Have you thought about the power and importance of the words you write?

In Macbeth Shakespeare wrote:

“Give sorrow words.

The grief that does not speak

Whispers the o’er fraught heart,

And bids it break.”

When I read these words, I contemplated all the words I have given to my grief.  In early grief, the words seemed to float in my consciousness, not sticking together or seeming to make sense.  I realized that to be able to truly contemplate my situation, I had to find a way to tie the words together into thoughts to give my sorrow words. So, I started writing.

My early grief writing was fragmented and written without a clear sense of purpose. When a thought was not clear, I started writing out what I was thinking.  The more I wrote, the clearer my ideas became.  This was not writing I would share with anyone. I used it for reflection. I explored the spaces left empty from my loss to fill them up with a new sense of purpose.

The more I wrote, the more I expressed my grief by committing my thought to paper, and the more I could see I was making progress in moving forward. I started craving the process of writing making my journal my cherished friend. The more I wrote, the better I felt as I was making discoveries about who the new me was becoming.

My career teaching writing at the university imbued in me the importance of the written word. I chose to start channeling my writing into the comfort and support I could bring to those dealing with grief and loss. By becoming comfortable with the words I shared, I saw the value of my experience to shepherd others through their loss. The Grief and Happiness Alliance has allowed me that opportunity.

The words you commit to writing can support you immeasurably now and can comfort your loved ones in the future.

Write on–

 

You can sign up for our newsletter by clicking here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here