reclaiming your joy

Que Sera, Sera

by

I recently heard the song Que Sera, Sera on a television commercial and it reminded me of hearing it as a child. Doris Day came out with this song in 1955, so I was pretty young, but the song stuck with me, and I sang it to myself often leading me to fanciful daydreams.

The lyrics of the song are:

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother what will I be?
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me

Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours to see
Que sera, sera
What will be, will be

When I grew up and fell in love
I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead?
Will we have rainbows day after day?
Here’s what my sweetheart said

Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours to see
Que sera, sera
What will be, will be

Now I have children of my own
They ask their mother what will I be
Will I be handsome? Will I be rich?
I tell them tenderly

Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours to see
Que sera, sera
What will be, will be
Que sera, sera

 

My daydreams led me to know in my future that I would be pretty when I learned to smile often, I would be rich in many ways, and I do have rainbows day after day here in Maui. Just writing this makes me smile!

Although the lyrics say, “Whatever will be will be,” I believe we have some say in the matter. I know that when I clearly focus on what is most important to me, it will come to me in some way. This isn’t always easy, and it doesn’t necessarily come when I would like it to, but when I maintain my focus, what I desire, or something more, does appear.

For instance, as a little girl, I wanted to be a pretty child, and I was sure that would bring me friends and popularity. I would be so serious about this, I often frowned as I thought. Over the years, I saw that beauty wasn’t when I became the first runner up of Miss Porterville. My life didn’t change from that honor. I didn’t even have a date for my Senior Prom.

Ten years later I ran into a guy I went to school with who I thought never would be interested in me. After all those years, he recognized me and said he apologized and was so sorry he didn’t ask me out in high school because he thought I would say no. This really made me think.

My wanting to be pretty made me afraid of rejection. Isn’t that silly? I can see that now, yet as I reflect, I see a young woman who didn’t think she was pretty. She focused on everything else till years late. She learned to focus on happiness, and she can see the beauty comes from her smile.

Also, in the past I thought that being rich was just related to money. I now enjoy the vast riches of friendship, love, and purpose. I am grateful to be financially secure, but that is not where my joy has come from.

And those beautiful rainbows? Where I live in Hawaii, they are free, and beautiful, and available to make me smile and inspire me almost every day.

I felt unstable after having two husbands die. I think I feared my future. Realizing that the fear didn’t serve me, and focusing on knowing that at that moment, I was fine, allowed me to find that smile again knowing that whatever will be is here now for me to enjoy.

Allowing myself to not worry about what is to come in my life, “whatever will be” has turned out very well.

 

 

Find more about the song by clicking here.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

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You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Cultivation

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Where I live in upcountry Maui now, I have the biggest garden I have ever had, and it takes lots of attention. Even with two people who help me, the tasks seem never ending. I am not complaining, however, because the rewards are worth all the time it takes.

I grow tropical flowers, fruit trees, lots of bananas, herbs and vegetables, and flowers. When we first moved here, one large section of our yard was covered with what looked like yellow golf balls. I discovered that those balls turned out to be one of my new favorite fruits, lilikoi, otherwise known as passion fruit. I found lots of ways to use lilikoi, but there were so many of them! I also had huge racks of bananas and many papayas.

Not wanting the food to go to waste, I put an invitation on the Nextdoor computer app for people to come to my house to take what they could use, and people came! With the new friends we made, we decided to meet and share the abundance of our gardens every Friday. That was 9 years ago. We still meet every Friday.

Through those years we have become special friends. We have celebrated weddings and birthdays and holidays. We have supported each other through medical challenges and funerals. We consider each other Ohana, the Hawaiian word for family. I cherish these experiences and friendships.

This wonderful Ohana has thrived through our mutual support. Just as we cultivate our gardens by replenishing the soil, planting seeds and plants starts, pulling weeds, pruning, watering, and harvesting, we cultivate our friendships by staying in touch, sharing what we grow, sharing advice and skills, and we tend to both our gardens and friendships with love.

I share about the Ohana we created because loneliness can be one of the biggest challenges we face while grieving. When you find yourself lonely, be creative and think of how you can create your own Ohana. If you’d like to know your neighbors better, try inviting them to your home for a cookie exchange or dessert potluck. If you have friends you’d like to see more, invite them over for a game night. Or invite someone to go on a walk with you.

 

The key to developing relationships is to tend to them. Friendships thrive with cultivation. Think of something you would love to do with your friends, then do whatever you dream up. And keep doing it. That’s cultivation. There is no need for loneliness in your life.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is [email protected]

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Moving Forward

by

Often, I hear that people think we must get over grief. I disagree. I see grief as something that starts with the realization of the major changes that come with the transitions you experience. Though there is a time that you realize you are grieving, chances are there won’t be a time that you say, “I’m done now. My grieving is done.”

I grieve for so many people and things like my high school classmates who died in accidents. I grieve the passing of my friends from a myriad of ailments. I grieve the loss of innocence I experienced. I grieve the loss of pregnancies. I grieve the loss of patients I cared for. I grieve the loss of most of my relatives. And most of all, I grieve the loss of my husbands.

I could go on and on about all the loss I have experienced, but I chose instead to focus on all the love, respect, lessons, and good memories I experienced as a result of each of these losses. My heart expands while carrying these people and experiences, and though my physical heart may be about the size of my fist, my loving, spiritual heart is as large as my imagination and continues to expand. I carry the imprint of all these losses on my ever-growing heart.

How wonderful it is that my heart always has room for anyone I care about. I focus on the love in my life, and this brings constant, beautiful positivity to me. As I continue to move forward in my grief, my happiness expands beyond measure. Yours can to when you focus on your love.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Are You Happy?

by

When I talk to people who are grieving, I often see they aren’t smiling.  Actually, most people who I talk to are not smiling at first. Thinking about this led me to wonder how much better we all could feel if we just remember to smile.

Think about all the things you could smile about right now. They can be simple things like the purr of your cat, the laughter of a baby, a hug from a friend, a piece of homemade apple pie, or the flowers in your garden or that you see on your walks.

Think about how your body feels when you smile. You are likely to relax. You might take a deep breath and stretch; you might feel lighter; or a sad thought may turn into a loving memory and you may feel the corners of your mouth turn up at that.

On those days when you feel like you just don’t have anything to be happy about, pay attention to that. It’s a good time to practice some self-care.  Do things for yourself that are relaxing and have put a smile on your face before. You can do something like put a funny show on TV, or play some of your favorite music, or call a friend you love to be talking with. Sometimes simply taking a nap is a way of resetting and finding that smile.

I remember trying to make my mom smile. She usually wasn’t smiling after dad died. When I noticed that, I’d smile a big smile for her, and if she didn’t respond, I’d just smile so much more, and pretty soon we both would be giggling.

Being happy isn’t hard. The key is to notice when you aren’t feeling happy and do something about that. Smile!

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Being Alive

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I vividly remember the moments when Ron, Jacques, my mother, my mother-in-law, and my aunt took their last breaths. Ron, mom, Fran, and Aunt Ila all slipped peacefully from this physical presence. Jacques had a look of panic. I felt like he wasn’t ready, like he didn’t really believe his time had come.

I am recalling this today after seeing a picture of someone and noticing his drastic change of expression after experiencing a traumatic and possibly fatal occurrence. Usually he looks angry or smug, but his look today was different, almost serene. I have never seen that look from him before. I wonder what people think when they look at me?

In reflecting on all these experiences, I thought about my general expression and what I would like it to project. I frequently say that I am happier than I ever have been, so from now on, I choose to smile so all who look at me can feel the warmth of that expression and reflect that happiness. Unlike the people I mentioned earlier, I now know my plan is to peacefully pass with that smile on my face when my time comes, and I plan to live every moment I have left to the fullest in the meantime.

Next week is my 75th birthday. I didn’t think I would live that long. Dad didn’t. Ron didn’t. I feel like I am on bonus time now, so I plan to make the very most of it. And I don’t feel old at all. I’m not even sure what being old feels like.

Although I have made it my objective to live in the moment, I have been somewhat lax in implementing that.  My new intention is to pay attention, to experience each moment, to revel in the time I have been gifted.  For instance, I love to paint and have a project in mind I have been looking forward to for weeks, but each day I have found myself doing something else. Today is the day I am painting!  I am also completing my new book proposal. And I am taking time to read and relax intentionally.

Being alive, to me, is living in the moment, following inspiration, taking excellent care of myself, providing comfort and compassion to others, taking deep breaths, enjoying all the beauty in the world, and focusing on what is good and right.

In the moments I have left, my intention is to pay attention to being alive! How about you? What does being alive feel like for you?

 

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The Sound of Silence

by

My voice has been changing for a few months and it kept getting harder to talk, so I went to my doctor who sent me to a specialist who sent me to a vocal therapist.

After all that evaluation, they decided to put me on vocal rest. I had to be totally silent for a month, no talking and even no whispering.

This turned out to be quite a challenge. Can you imagine not being able to speak at all? I am sure it will be worth it ultimately, and I have learned some things I want to share with you.

First, I am amazed that people think that since I can’t talk, that they have to speak softly or even whisper to me. I do not have a hearing issue, so people can speak normally around me, but they don’t.

People seem to get irritated at my inability to speak. I see them get frustrated and even walk away from me. Trust me, my inability speak is more frustrating to me than it can be to you. I tried texting my son who lives with me, but that irritated him. There are things we must communicate about, so I tried a modified game of charades.  While he was entertained by my efforts, he still didn’t understand me. He bought me a white board so I could write what I want to tell him. That was helpful.

Initially, I kept thinking about what I could contribute to conversations. It was too much trouble to write my thoughts on that white board, and I was realizing that all those little things my monkey-mind was urging me to share didn’t need to be shared at all. This was huge for me. I could see that much of my conversation was irrelevant or just didn’t need to be said. This turned out to be freeing. I hadn’t realized how much time I was spending organizing those thoughts and figuring out what I wanted to say. I am now noticing those random thoughts as they pop up and releasing them from my thinking.

In focusing on all I do related to grief and happiness, I have been smiling much of the time. However, being quiet, I have noticed that I haven’t been making the effort to smile.  I see that when I speak, my smile is part of my conversation to reinforce what I am saying. Without speaking the positive words I usually do, I just haven’t thought to smile. Becoming aware of my sad face, I am making a conscious effort to smile often.

I have turned to the comfort of my journal. I find my writing deeper and wider as I explore my thoughts and beliefs. I love Mark Nepo’s writing, and his books have wonderful journaling prompts that I am loving exploring. And I have more time to meditate and write without all those unnecessary conversations my mind is encouraging me to start. I find my silence brings me peace.

I heard from a dear friend who was very active in singing and acting. She developed nodes on her vocal cords and was required to be silent for six weeks. She learned to love the silence and didn’t really want to go back to speaking when her time was up. That resonated with me. I know when my time is up, I will be paying more attention to what I choose to say, and I will continue my practice of the peace that comes with silence.

I encourage you to be silent for a day and see how this affects you.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

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