Joy

The Power of Optimism

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I lived most of my life in neutral, with sometimes sprinkles of happiness and sadness. In dealing with grief, I found myself more often on the sad end of the scale. When I realized that’s where I was, I made on conscious effort to tip the scales in my favor and spend my time on the top seat of that teeter-totter. I read much about happiness, became a Happy for No Reason Certified Trainer, started the Grief and Happiness podcast, and listened to happiness podcasts.

I learned that in early grief I easily fell into the role of “catastrophizer” where I magnified my woes and focused on the worst that could happen. That did not serve me and made it difficult to move forward with my life. When I came to understand what I was doing, my epiphany was that I was in charge of my thought patterns, and I knew I could change my mind. When I chose to dispute my catastrophic thoughts and focus instead on positivity, I found the power of optimism.

With the birth of positive psychology by psychologist Marty Seligman, more research on happiness resulted in great books, fascinating podcasts, and university classes about Happiness. One of my favorite happiness experts is Dr. Laurie Santos who created a Happiness course at Yale University which has become the most popular course there in its 300-year history. She also hosts a delightful podcast, The Happiness Lab, which I highly recommend.

All the scientific research has demonstrated innumerable benefits of happiness. A few of those benefits are:

  • Optimists try harder.
  • People like to be around optimists.
  • Optimists tend to do their best at whatever they do.
  • Prosperity comes more easily to optimists.
  • Optimists are likely to live longer.

When you emphasize happiness in your life, you will keep feeling better and better. This is something we all crave while grieving. The self-care of paying attention to keeping your emotions positive allows you to experience more positivity which in turn lightens your grief.

So, in the words of Bobby McFerrin, “Don’t worry! Be Happy!”

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

Be a Day Maker

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My granddaughter came to my rescue when I was having a challenge on how to do something on my computer. We had a Zoom call and worked together, and we had a great conversation. That made my day! The next day a good friend asked me to Zoom with him. We laughed so much together as we were catching up, and that made my day.  Then another good friend called me on the phone to see how I was doing. We had a thought-provoking conversation that I hadn’t realized I needed. And it was lovely just to hear her voice. Again, that made my day.

These contacts are extra special to me especially because I live in Hawaii, the most remote place in the world. It’s easy to lose touch with loved ones who live far away. Each of these calls brightened my day and brought me happiness and loving support. I started thinking about other things that would fit in that category, and I thought of lots from just the last few days. A friend brought me some juicy fresh figs, another friend brought me packages of seeds for my garden, and another friend took all my cardboard to the recycling center for me. And my day was brightened by chare vegetables from my garden with my neighbors and teaching happiness techniques at the Grief and Happiness Alliance meetings.

Knowing wonderful people and interacting on so many levels brighten my life every day. I encourage you to think about what brightens your day. If something doesn’t come to mind right away, think some more.  We have a tendency to look at the negative first which can block our realization of what is good for us that we are already experiencing. If this is happening for you, try focusing on the good things that happen in your life, and make a conscious effort to do something to brighten someone’s day every day, and pay attention to how good that feels!

How can you help make the day for someone else today? What can you do for yourself that can make your day? Be sure to do whatever it takes to make today your best day!  Then keep doing that every day.  You’ll be so glad you did!

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

Positively!

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When you always speak only positive words, you will be happy! I realize that is a bold statement, yet it is true, and it was a hard lesson for me to learn. You may say “I am always positive,” but are you really?

Here is an example.  Compare “I don’t like to eat liver” to “I love to eat fresh Hawaiian bananas.” Those two sentences feel different when you read them because of that little contraction where not is hidden. Not is so frequently used, and it is definitely negative.

How often do you use words like: not, apathetic, dishonest, anxious, betrayed, disappointed, lied, jealous, bad, malicious?  Doesn’t it  just feel icky, another negative word, just to read these words? Just like that phrase “Be careful what you wish for,” when you speak or think or write negative words, that’s what you get.

When grieving, you may say something like “I’ll never fall in love again,” or “I’ll always be alone,” or “my heart is broken.” When you say these statements, guess what you get? Accidental manifestation is something that happens unconsciously when we dwell in negativity. When you say, “Finding new friends is hard,” new friends are unlikely to be in your future.

Think about it. When do you use negative words? I learned to catch myself when I am writing so I can change the meaning of my statement by eliminating what is negative, changing my statement to what I really mean.

Try this experiment today.  Notice when you say something negative. Keep a list of negative words you catch when you are communicating.  When you notice a negative word, change your statement into something positive.  For instance, if you say, “I’m not going to drive on that road because there are so many accidents,” try saying instead, “I am going to drive on the new road with the lower speed limit.”

People grieving often find themselves dwelling in negativity and long to be happy again. Changing how you are feeling will come from focusing on being positive. Instead of saying “My friend never calls me,” pick up the phone and call your friend. Say something like, “I am thinking of you and wanted to hear your voice and see how you are doing.”

You can raise your happiness level by speaking positive words and believing what you say.  You can do this! You will be so happy you did!

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

Signs

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Most grievers experience signs that remind them of their loved ones. A sign can come from a sweet memory, a fragrance, a favorite song, a remembered idiosyncrasy, or unique experience. I frequently see, hear, or feel what seems to be signs from my loved ones who have died.

On a beautiful day in Maui, my husband Ron and I were sitting outside on our lanai when he told me there would come a time that whenever I saw a butterfly, saw our wedding date, heard our song, or smelled cigar smoke I would know he was near. All these things have happened to me, and because of that, I have started experiencing things that I consider to be signs from other loved ones of mine who have transitioned.

Several months after Ron’s death, I was having a hard time. I had signed up to take an art class, but I was feeling teary and talking myself out of going. Then a butterfly arrived. I took a deep breath and knew I had to take good care of me. Then another butterfly appeared, and another, and another.

I went out to my car and there were more. I had heard of butterflies migrating before, but it didn’t seem possible for this to happen in Hawaii. As I drove to my class, the butterflies swarmed my car. When I got there, they all flew off together, and not one had stuck to my car. This spectacular show just had to be orchestrated by Ron.

Ron and I had been together for 4 years, and he had asked me to marry him more than once, but I was hesitant. After Jacques died, I didn’t think I would ever be able to get married again. Then on December 26, 2010, I realized that New Year’s Day would be 1/1/11. I told Ron about that date and said wouldn’t that be a cool day to get married.  He immediately said yes and that he would make the arrangements. Though we had less than a week, the wedding was beautiful. Now I see the number 1111 often and I always say, “Hi Baby” and smile.

I have rarely smelled cigar smoke, but I do hear our song often. Stevie Wonder’s song “As” shows up often, and always at times I crave comfort. “As” was the theme song for a commercial so I heard it often for a while. When the show Blackish came to an end on tv, I was reminiscing about how Ron and I watched it together and we had deep conversations about the significant themes the show dealt with. I was emotional watching the finale, feeling like it was one more thing I was going to miss. Then for the grand finale, the whole cast came out with the song “As.” I guess I just needed to have a deep cry time then.

I have lots of signs for other people too.  For my husband Jacques, it’s hearing the song “My Funny Valentine” or just smelling Italian food.  For Daddy, it’s ice cream and sirens. For mom it’s chicken fried steak, tamale pie, and solitaire. For my sister Linda, it’s tea and bees. There’s a special sign or two for every loved one I’m grieving.

What are your signs? Do certain things trigger smiles, tears, and memories? Pay attention to those signs when you recognize them and take a breath, take a moment, smile when you can, and remember the special kind of love you shared with your loved one who is remembering you.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

Expecting

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I used to love the word hope. I would hope for world peace, for kindness in our country, for neighbors to sell their loud motorbikes, for my house to always be picked up.

I could hope for so many things wanting them to come true, but I started to see that things I hoped for didn’t happen. On the other hand, when I am expecting things, they do happen.

When we say that someone is expecting a baby, we automatically know that baby is on its way. When someone says she hopes to have a baby someday, that may or may not happen.  I have learned when something is important to me, it will happen. I expected to earn a master’s degree, and I did. I didn’t hope to get good grades. I went to all my classes and did my best on all the assignments because I expected good grades.

World peace would be amazing, but that would require everyone in the world to also want world peace, and there will always be people who thrive on chaos and control, and as long as those people exist, world peace isn’t possible. Can you hope for world peace? Absolutely. Can things get better than they are now? Yes to that too. Individually doing things that create peace can lead us all in the direction of peace, and we can individually or in groups do what fosters peace and make the world a better place.

Expecting my neighbors sell their motorbikes is unrealistic. They have them because they love that noise. Instead of hope, I focus on knowing they will get a job somewhere far away, and they will take their bikes with them when they move. While I can’t create something to happen for someone else, I can smile when I just know that their dream job is out there waiting for them.

When it comes to an orderly house, that is entirely possible. All I must do is keep it picked up. This is very possible, though sometimes I need to remind myself.

What does all this have to do with grief and happiness? When you expect that each day will be better, even if just a little bit, each day will be better. When you expect to be happy, you allow yourself to smile and to participate in things that bring you joy. When people tell me that they can’t see how someone dealing with grief can be happy, I explain to them that when you expect happiness in your life, you will discover that reasons to be happy already are present in your life. The key is to recognize what they are and act on them.

I am grieving and I am happy.  I am happy when I read a good book or watch a good movie.  I am happy when I prepare a tasty, healthy meal for me to eat.  I am happy when I say or do something that makes someone else smile. The more I focus on happiness, the more happiness I attract into my life.

What brings you happiness? Try expecting to be happy and see where that takes you. I see lots more smiles on your lovely face are on their way! Enjoy them! And expect a lot more!

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

The Key to Happiness

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I recently heard that the key to happiness has only five words: Do the things you love. How simple, yet profound.  I decided to make a list of things I do, or have done, that make me happy. Once I got started with my list. I couldn’t stop! I’ll share some of my list here to give you some ideas.

I love being outdoors, sitting on my lanai listening to the birds, walking on the beach where I live in Maui, watching the sunrises and sunsets from my home.

I love traveling to places like Tuscany, Bali, and Maui which led me to moving here.

I love writing so I have taught writing for many years and have written six books. Nurturing my students as their love for writing grows makes me happy.

I love cooking which led me to become a certified vegan chef, to teach cooking classes, and to entertain my friends and family. And I co-owned a café and catering company.

I love to grow food and flowers that I can share, so I created Produce Share where neighbors meet every week at my home to share the abundance of our gardens. And I joined Hawaii Farmer’s Union United so I can learn so much more about gardening in Hawaii

I have loved everything about live theatre since I first stepped on stage as Tiny Tim’s big brother in A Christmas Carol at the Barn Theater when I was in fourth grade.  I have since acted, directed, designed, produced, and have done just about everything that can be done in theatre including having my own theatre and school of arts.

I love community service and have served on many nonprofit boards and founded the Grief and Happiness Nonprofit Organization.

I love to be creative and enjoy ceramic sculpting, weaving, drawing, painting, sewing, cake decorating, jewelry making, and taking classes in all these areas.

This list is just a start.  I keep thinking of more and more things that I do that I love. Even thinking about all the things I love just gets me thinking about more things I love, and I can’t help but smile and focus on all the wonder and beauty in my life.

While life is not always rosy, when I start to feel a little down or negative, I can always add more items to my Things I Love list, and that brings me right back up.

My challenge for you today is to start your own Things I Love list.  And while it’s great to think about this, writing it down is even better, then you can always refer to and add to this list bring even more happiness into your life.

Enjoy!

 

Watch this little video My Favorite Things

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here