friends

First Days

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I read some sage advice recently that said, “Live every day like it’s your first.” We’ve all heard that phrase using the word last instead of first, but I loved this fresh perspective.

My friend Laurelee owns and lives on Leilani Farm Sanctuary on Maui. She invited my group of friends who do watercolor paintings together to visit her new baby goats. The mama goat, named Emily in honor of her rescuer, had been abandoned, so she was brought to the farm to live. She delivered her babies the day before our visit.

There were three babies, one girl and two boys. Goats usually have only two goats at a time, so they were on the small side, and they are adorable with thick black longish fur, and one had a white patch on one ankle. So precious! Less than 24 hours old, they were frolicking around under their mother’s watchful eyes. They loved being held and petted, so we all got some goat love, but they didn’t stay in our laps long because they were having so much fun playing.

What a fabulous first day for them! Just think about what a first day would be like now for you. All the new beauty, and colors, and fragrances, and tastes as well as new experiences, and new friends. Imagine waking up in the morning and experiencing everything as brand new! There would be no fighting, no war, no lies, no hunger, just love and happiness.

When a loved one dies, we can feel like it is the end of the world for us, but it doesn’t have to be. Each day can be a new start. Yes, take the time you need to grieve, but also take time each day to notice something new or different. When you go on a walk, notice the flowers and plants along the way. Many blossoms only live a short time, but while they are blooming, they are showing off their best colors and fragrances making people who pass by smile.

Look at the world each day as a baby goat or a bright hibiscus. Smile at a stranger. Thank the person who holds a door open for you. Bag your groceries. Call a friend. Sit outside and watch the clouds float by. Take a deep breath. Read a great book. Take a long shower or bath. Make a list of new experiences you are ready to have, then start checking them off the list as you do each one.

Take good care of yourself and live every day as if it is your first.

 

Leilani Farm Sanctuary

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Emily Thiroux Threatt email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my Grief and Happiness podcast here or anyplace you listen to podcasts.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Cultivating Joy

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Most of us don’t feel happy all the time, but it is possible. In early grief, we are likely to have feelings like sadness, loneliness, and hopelessness. While that’s not unusual, staying weighed down with these feelings is not in your best interest. The best way to deal with this is to practice good self-care.  Writing about what you are feeling can help you discover how to move forward.

When sadness is getting you down, write a list of things that make you happy. Keep adding to the list when things come to mind.  On your happiness list, include anything that makes you smile or feel good. Include things like:

  • Bake your favorite cookies and share them with a friend.
  • Plant some new flowers in your garden or get a new house plant.
  • Sit outside in the sunshine.
  • Go for a walk in a beautiful place.
  • Find a class to take about something you always wanted to learn.

If you are feeling lonely, discover someplace to go where you will meet new friends. Here are some ideas:

  • Go to a class like water aerobics, yoga, painting, or ceramics.
  • Join a book club that reads the kind of books you enjoy.
  • Create a lunch or dinner group that meets regularly where you go out to eat with your friends or take turns entertaining your friends for lunch or dinner at your homes.
  • Find a nonprofit organization you are interested in and volunteer.
  • Invite a friend or friends to join you in going to a play, a concert, or an art gallery.

If you are feeling hopeless, try some of these ideas:

  • Find a support group you can attend.
  • Write about your life in your journal exploring how you would like to change your life and what you can do to make that happen.
  • Read inspirational books about people you admire or things you’d like to do.
  • Meditate considering what you do or can do that brings you hope.
  • Focus on self-love.

You can have joy in your life when you make it a priority. The key is to take action as opposed to waiting for joy to fall into your lap. There is an old Johnny Mathis song that says, “Life is what you make it, and what you make it, is up to you.” Since it’s up to you, what will you do now to live your best life?

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my Grief and Happiness podcast here or anyplace you listen to podcasts.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

 

 

Dealing with Grief’s Biggest Challenge

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The first big challenge everyone faces in grief is change. Nothing will ever be the same.  When this realization hits, often we become immobilized. We can feel stuck. Decision making can feel beyond our capacity. You may not even realize this is happening, so here is some help.

First, explore what you are experiencing. This is best done by writing. Get a journal or notebook just for this process. The process of writing your thoughts is important because if you don’t, your thoughts will float in and out of your consciousness making them difficult to remember and deal with. When you commit your thoughts in writing, you can come back to them as needed.

Create a space at the start of your journal to make lists.  With lists, you can add things to them when you think of them and cross things off when after you have dealt with them. For your first list, write the changes you are noticing that you are dealing with now. This can be anything from having difficulty getting out of bed to getting out of your home to grocery shop. Another list can be things you notice that you are going to have to deal with such as what bills need to be paid and when. You also may need to figure out the things your loved one did that you will now be responsible for.

These are just two list ideas to start with. After creating these lists, write an entry in your journal about each item on the list.  Focus on just one item at time. There is no rush in this process. You may discover that you need to take action soon on some of the items, so do that. And you may discover that some of the things you write about you don’t need to take action on at all.

Some items on your list will take more time. The biggest change for me to deal with was living alone. There was no quick fix for that but recognizing that was something I didn’t want allowed me to explore what I could do to change that situation.

Write in your journal about the items that come up on your list. You will discover much in the process.

Gay Hendricks says in his book The Big Leap that you are ready for a change when you can say:

  • “I want to change
  • I am willing to change
  • I commit to change”

You can make changes. When you consciously make changes that will serve you, you are stepping forward in the new beautiful life you are starting to live now.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my Grief and Happiness podcast here or anyplace you listen to podcasts.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

What’s Good About Today?

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I have heard so many people say that they don’t know how to live without the loved one they are grieving. I remember feeling that way too. And though the territory is unfamiliar, we find that we have no choice but to step into it once our loved ones die. The harder we fight moving forward, the more miserable we can become. I am sure that deep down you don’t want to be miserable, and I am pretty sure your loved one wouldn’t want that for you either.

I talked to the father of a young man who had just graduated from college and was ready to start his new life. Instead, his son was diagnosed with a terminal illness, and he didn’t have long to live. His devastated friends and family would come to visit him with tears in their eyes, and he would accept their loving wishes and then smile and ask them, “What’s good about today?” This would bring their conversation to the present, and they could enjoy the time they got to spend together. As the visitors left the hospital room, everyone was smiling.

Beautiful memories were created during those visits. Instead of heavy, sorrow filled memories, they could remember the smiles and laughter they shared the last time they spent with this special person. And the young man’s last memories were of smiling, happy people.

When dealing with your grief, try focusing on your loved one in a happy way. Try writing in your journal or visiting with a loved one. Share your memories. When did you see your loved one the happiest? When he was acting in a play? When you volunteered together to clean up the park? When you both went with your friends on a hike in the mountains?  When you watched him graduate or get an award? You will find yourself smiling as you reflect on these happy memories.

I’ll bet if he could send you a message right now, he’d say: “I love to see you smiling! Keep living your best life. What’s good about today?”

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my Grief and Happiness podcast here or anyplace you listen to podcasts.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

If Only

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Have you experienced times when the things you desired felt beyond your reach? You may have said something like “if only I had enough money to pay all my bills”, or “if only I could get the job I wanted,” or “if only he (or she) hadn’t died.” Do these thoughts help you? Probably not.

When grieving, we are dealing with the death of a loved one, or any kind of deep loss, we can feel out of balance, like nothing is quite right. That happens because you are in unfamiliar territory, so you are searching for someone or something to fill in the gaps. However, someone or something else will never take the place of what is now missing.

The good news is you do not have to fill that gap. Things won’t automatically change to become the way they were before, so the best you can do now is to stop trying to make that happen. When you release the idea of the possibility that you can go back in time and make things different, that will allow you to start living in the moment now.

Try setting an intention to live the life you truly desire now. For instance, your intention could be “I spend my time doing what I love to do.” This intention leaves you open to new possibilities. For instance, maybe you love horses, but you feel you don’t have time to enjoy being with a horse and tending to it. In setting the intention to do what you love to do, you discover a course in equine therapy. Taking that course allows you to change your career, pay for your horse related expenses as well as have more money to live on than you do now, and spend lots of time with your horse while helping people in such a positive way.

Where do your interests lie? What would you love to do every day? Where would you love to do that? I created my own podcast where I can work from home, and I get to talk to people from all over the world. Maybe you could take classes you have always wanted to. Or maybe you could travel, or maybe you could volunteer for a local nonprofit.

Now is the time to immerse yourself in something you would love to do. Focus on that and soon you can notice yourself moving forward in your grief.

I’d love to hear about what you pursue.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

 

 

What Can You Do?

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Are you lonely? Do you feel helpless? Do you feel like your world is crumbling around you? Do you realize you aren’t the only one feeling that way right now? The good news is you can do something about how you are feeling to help you feel much better.  Here are some ideas:

  • Reach Out. Who would you like to talk to? Which old friends are you missing? Start by making a list. Every time you think of someone, and that person to the list. Every day, pick a different person on the list and call that person. Plan a way to get together. Go for a walk or for coffee. Plan something to do together. Rekindle friendships. Then stay in touch.
  • Volunteer. What causes are you concerned about? Who can you help? Get active in your community. Find something that you can attend and meet new friends. I volunteered for the political party I am a member of. I met very interesting people by doing that and know I was making a difference. What could you volunteer for?
  • Play. Plan a game party where you can invite friends to play for favorite board games like Monopoly or Uno. Go to a water aerobics or Aqua Zumba class. Join a hiking group. Organize a block party for your neighborhood to meet all your. neighbors. Go somewhere to listel to live music and dance!
  • Learn Something New. What have you always wanted to learn? I love to take art classes. Take cooking classes. I discovered free community classes at our local college including classes in their culinary department. Join a community choir. Get involved in your community theater.
  • Join or Start a Book Club. Book clubs are usually created around a common interest like romance novels, mysteries, biographies, political issues, or travel. Often organizations have book groups. I like to participate in the book group for the American Association of University women. I’ve met some of my best friends there.

The key is to find ways to be around people you already know you like or people you would like to get to know. Chances are that if you sit home alone, which people often do while grieving, people won’t be coming to your house to seek you out. The longer you stay by yourself, the harder it is to get moving again.

Start by reaching out with people you already know and would like to spend more time with. They may be waiting to hear from you. Then reach out to people you don’t know but would like to. For instance, if you are concerned about a pollical issue, reach out to see how you can get involved to work on solving that issue. If you love to work with children, volunteer to read to them in their classrooms or at the local library.

The more we become involved in our communities, the more friends we can make, the more issues we can work on, the more we can learn, and the more we can help.

Start today. You’ll be so glad you did.