Memories

Give Thanks

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My son was watching a television show about homes around a lake, and I glanced at the beautiful view one home had. I said, “Wouldn’t it be nice to live in a place that had a beautiful view. He gave me a funny look and glanced out our large sliding glass doors revealing a spectacular view across the island of Maui seeing the West Maui Mountains and glimpses of both sides of the island. This reminded me of how we don’t always appreciate all we already have.

Often in life we accumulate stuff that we don’t need and that doesn’t serve us. I have started a major project of eliminating stuff from my home. I like the spaciousness that I am uncovering, and it feels great to repurpose things or to gift things to people who are happy to receive them. In the process of doing this, I am taking the time to look closely at pictures I have of people special to me. I also notice gifts people have given me, art that I have collected, and mementoes of my travels. I smile often with sweet memories as I go through this process.

Enjoying these memories, I know how grateful I am for each friend, each family member, each gift, each celebration, and all the traveling I have done. As I sit now on my lanai enjoying that beautiful island view as well as my lovely, bountiful garden, I am grateful.

Happy Thanksgiving.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is [email protected]

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What’s Your Story?

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Every person experiences grief differently for every instance that happens. For instance, my father died suddenly with no warning. My mother suffered for a very long time before she died at home. My sister did too, but she had multiple hospitalizations. She didn’t die of Covid, but she did die during the pandemic, so I didn’t get to see her one last time. Both my husbands died of the same thing. A good friend died in a car accident, and another died of cancer. Each of those experiences were entirely different. And there have been so many more people I have known.

And there are so many other reasons to grieve. Maybe you lost a home, or a job, or a relationship. Or maybe you have been a victim of a crime, or someone you care about went to prison. Or maybe your beloved pet died. As you can see from all this, every one of us deals with grief often many times to different degrees.

For each experience of grief you have, your story is different. And how you tell that story will affect how you deal with that grief.  I didn’t know what to do when Jacques died. He had many emergencies during which we didn’t know if he would survive. I was amazed that each time he did. For instance, we decided to go to a Prince concert. Jacques went to a doctor appointment the afternoon of the concert. Then we went to dinner and to the concert. Jacques had a hard time walking into the convention center, but he was so excited that he wouldn’t let his weakness stop him.

The concert started over an hour late because Prince refused to go on because there was poor attendance. Prince finally came on stage and Jacques was getting weaker. When we finally got home, there was a message on the answering machine that said that the lab tests they ran that day indicated that he needed to go to the emergency room immediately. That message was five hours old. He was hospitalized in serious condition. Fortunately, he was able to come home eventually.

My story about that was that I was angry with Prince! My mind was filled with resentment for him being so selfish when he was too vain to go onstage without the crowd size he wanted. I was mad because my husband could have died because Prince didn’t live up to his contract to perform. I don’t know if my story helped me, but it did give me something to focus on at a scary time.  I ultimately forgave Prince realizing that he had nothing to do with my husband’s health.

When my husband Ron realized how quickly his health was failing, we moved to Maui. Though we both knew his condition, together we focused on living in the moment which caused my story at that time to be positive and allowed us to make the best of the time we had left. This also helped me to focus on a positive story for me after he died.

I never dreamed that I would move forward into a life focused on helping to support others during their grieving process! I am grateful to be able to help so many people.

What is your experience grief? The thing to remember about this is that you can always change your story, whatever it is. Focus on the positive, and take the best care of yourself in the process.

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

We All Grieve

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I talk, and read, and cry, and write, and speak, and listen about grief much of my waking hours. I choose to do so because I recognize how much grief I have experienced, and I am still standing, and smiling, and even laughing sometimes. I certainly don’t think grief is funny, yet it is part of our lives all the time.

I often have people tell me that they aren’t grieving anyone right now, then they quickly change the subject.  The truth is, almost everyone is grieving someone or something most of their lives.

The first death I remember was my grandfather. I was young at the time. My memory of him was that he had a nice smile and didn’t talk much. He spent most of his time in his chair with a board that had been cut to rest on the arms of his chair comfortably so that he had a flat surface to play solitaire.

One day when we went to grandpa and grandma’s house, he wasn’t there. I don’t remember anyone telling me why. I never saw him again. I think my family didn’t think I was old enough to understand the concept of death. This experience left me curious and a bit frightened.

I experienced the first grief I remember when I was three and jumped out of a second story window landing on my forehead fracturing my skull.  This left me with an ugly scar and a terror of heights. The scar faded long before the fear. I am happy to tell you that I did overcome that fear not that long ago, but that experience aways remains with me.

I have witnessed so much trauma and death in my lifetime. This started when I was 14 years old and started working in our family business of an ambulance company. That long ago I only had to be 14 and trained in Red Cross first aid to qualify for the job.

I would help rescue people from car accidents and industrial accidents.  I would care for people who had been in fights. I responded to calls where there was still active shooting and babies being born. I grieved not having the knowledge and tools to adequately help all these people

I also grieved the loss of a home, the loss of big family gatherings when we all went our separate ways. I grieve a good friend moving far away as a result of family violence. I grieve the loss of my cocker spaniel as the result of her getting into my sister’s box of chocolates. I grieve not living close to my friends I love in California.

I could go on and on, but I choose instead to focus on sweet memories and all the happiness I have experienced, of making new friends and keeping in touch with people I don’t get to see as often. I focus on all the love in my whole life and on discovering all the new ways I am learning to experience joy.

I know that grieving can be sad and difficult, but that it can also bring growth and new light.

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Que Sera, Sera

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I recently heard the song Que Sera, Sera on a television commercial and it reminded me of hearing it as a child. Doris Day came out with this song in 1955, so I was pretty young, but the song stuck with me, and I sang it to myself often leading me to fanciful daydreams.

The lyrics of the song are:

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother what will I be?
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me

Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours to see
Que sera, sera
What will be, will be

When I grew up and fell in love
I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead?
Will we have rainbows day after day?
Here’s what my sweetheart said

Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours to see
Que sera, sera
What will be, will be

Now I have children of my own
They ask their mother what will I be
Will I be handsome? Will I be rich?
I tell them tenderly

Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours to see
Que sera, sera
What will be, will be
Que sera, sera

 

My daydreams led me to know in my future that I would be pretty when I learned to smile often, I would be rich in many ways, and I do have rainbows day after day here in Maui. Just writing this makes me smile!

Although the lyrics say, “Whatever will be will be,” I believe we have some say in the matter. I know that when I clearly focus on what is most important to me, it will come to me in some way. This isn’t always easy, and it doesn’t necessarily come when I would like it to, but when I maintain my focus, what I desire, or something more, does appear.

For instance, as a little girl, I wanted to be a pretty child, and I was sure that would bring me friends and popularity. I would be so serious about this, I often frowned as I thought. Over the years, I saw that beauty wasn’t when I became the first runner up of Miss Porterville. My life didn’t change from that honor. I didn’t even have a date for my Senior Prom.

Ten years later I ran into a guy I went to school with who I thought never would be interested in me. After all those years, he recognized me and said he apologized and was so sorry he didn’t ask me out in high school because he thought I would say no. This really made me think.

My wanting to be pretty made me afraid of rejection. Isn’t that silly? I can see that now, yet as I reflect, I see a young woman who didn’t think she was pretty. She focused on everything else till years late. She learned to focus on happiness, and she can see the beauty comes from her smile.

Also, in the past I thought that being rich was just related to money. I now enjoy the vast riches of friendship, love, and purpose. I am grateful to be financially secure, but that is not where my joy has come from.

And those beautiful rainbows? Where I live in Hawaii, they are free, and beautiful, and available to make me smile and inspire me almost every day.

I felt unstable after having two husbands die. I think I feared my future. Realizing that the fear didn’t serve me, and focusing on knowing that at that moment, I was fine, allowed me to find that smile again knowing that whatever will be is here now for me to enjoy.

Allowing myself to not worry about what is to come in my life, “whatever will be” has turned out very well.

 

 

Find more about the song by clicking here.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Deal With It!

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I used to feel like I had things hanging over my head.  I knew I would feel better when the tasks were complete, and the longer I put them off, the heavier they would get.

Recently I was working on organizing my storage room. I was motivated to get it done so that I would easily be able to know all that was there as well as what wasn’t there that I thought I was storing.  As I thought about how wonderful it would feel for those tasks to be complete, something was always holding me back.

Finally, I defined one task at a time to tackle and got started. I cleaned out and organized a drawer. In that drawer, I found a stack of old pictures I thought I had lost.  In it there were several pictures of when my children were young. My daughter had asked me a few years ago about a picture I took of her when she was a baby.  She was laying on her tummy on a foot stool and it looked like she was happily trying to fly.

I was thrilled to find that picture that I was sure had disappeared forever. Other cherished photos were also in that pile.  I took a picture of that photo and texted it to my daughter. She was thrilled to see it! I ended up texting one picture at a time so we could talk about them, and we were able to share the whole stack while having a wonderful conversation.

Organizing that one drawer made it easier to clean out the next one.  I am still working on the whole room, but I am not overwhelmed now and am happily making new discoveries along the way.

Especially while grieving, we can talk ourselves out of starting tasks that will ultimately allow us to move forward in the process of our grief.  What task have you been putting off? You may have piles or paperwork, thank you notes that need to be written, or other chores that have been weighing on you.  My suggestion is that you make a date for yourself with whatever task you have been putting off.  Then show up at the designated time and start right in, working through the job at a pace that feels right for you.   I know you’ll be so glad you did!

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Moving Forward

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Often, I hear that people think we must get over grief. I disagree. I see grief as something that starts with the realization of the major changes that come with the transitions you experience. Though there is a time that you realize you are grieving, chances are there won’t be a time that you say, “I’m done now. My grieving is done.”

I grieve for so many people and things like my high school classmates who died in accidents. I grieve the passing of my friends from a myriad of ailments. I grieve the loss of innocence I experienced. I grieve the loss of pregnancies. I grieve the loss of patients I cared for. I grieve the loss of most of my relatives. And most of all, I grieve the loss of my husbands.

I could go on and on about all the loss I have experienced, but I chose instead to focus on all the love, respect, lessons, and good memories I experienced as a result of each of these losses. My heart expands while carrying these people and experiences, and though my physical heart may be about the size of my fist, my loving, spiritual heart is as large as my imagination and continues to expand. I carry the imprint of all these losses on my ever-growing heart.

How wonderful it is that my heart always has room for anyone I care about. I focus on the love in my life, and this brings constant, beautiful positivity to me. As I continue to move forward in my grief, my happiness expands beyond measure. Yours can to when you focus on your love.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.