Loss

Sunrise, Sunset

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Even if you haven’t seen the play or movie of Fidler on The Roof, you probably have heard the main song, Sunrise, Sunset. Read these lyrics and see if a memory of this song comes to you:

Sunrise, sunset

Sunrise, sunset

Swiftly flow the days

Seedlings turn overnight to sunflowers

Blossoming even as we gaze

Sunrise, sunset

Sunrise, sunset

Swiftly fly the years

One season following another

Laden with happiness and tears

Lyrics by

Sheldon Harick

As I was gazing at yet another gorgeous sunset here on Maui, those lyrics floated by in my mind. I see the sunrises out of my bedroom each morning and see the sunsets from my lanai. I love to take pictures of these beautiful times of days, and no two pictures are ever alike.

This day was different from any other day I have experienced, and tomorrow will be different too. I can choose to let each day float by or choose to identify the love and beauty of the day, or to wallow in the sadness of a day.

Four of the most significant days in my life came at the sunsets of my loved ones.

When my father died, he had just given a big speech to his whole community honoring the veterans there, then the next day, he was just gone from a heart attack. I was in shock, but I was able to witness the community celebrating him all week because it was the week of Veterans Day. Though I was sad, I chose to be grateful for such a wonderful father loved by so many.

When my mother died, she had been deteriorating for a long time. Her physical self was unrecognizable. The last time I entered her room, I sat next to her bed and held her arm where I could feel her pulse as I told her all I wished I could have earlier in her life, especially that I loved her. Then I told her she didn’t have to wait, that Daddy and her mother were waiting for her, and it was OK for her to go.  I felt her pulse slow and stop. When I went into the other room to tell her sister, I felt the love I had never expressed to her overwhelm me, and I was grateful to have served her and taken care of her for the last years of her life.

When my husband Jacques died, he had been suffering from a myriad of health challenges for so long, but he always thought he would get better. I saw when he realized that wasn’t going to happen. He was getting into the car to go to yet another dialysis treatment. He looked in my eyes and said “Oh. S**t.” Then he collapsed into the car and slid down between the seat and the dashboard. I was unable to move him. I was in shock.

When Ron died, he was surrounded by his family and friends, all celebrating him through the week of his death.  He was so loved and supported during this time. He just appeared to fall asleep, then he was gone. Initially with his departure, I cried painfully, but after that, I was grateful that he wouldn’t have to experience all the pain he had been through anymore and I found peace in that.

While these are all sunsets, I have lots of sunrises too like when my children and grandchildren and now great grandchildren were born. With each graduation, each wedding, each wonderful experience they are all having, it brings me joy too.

I love and am grateful for it all. And the more experiences I have with all of my loved ones, the more grateful I am for this amazingly beautiful life I get to live. I think about the beauty and joy of each sunrise and sunset, and I encourage you to take the time to look up  at these gorgeous reminders of our precious lives and reflect on your sunrises and sunsets too.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

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Dream Your Dreams

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Do you ever get a song stuck in your head and you find yourself singing bits of it all day?

That happens to me all the time, and the song for me today is I Dreamed a Dream from the hit musical Les Mis. Here are some of the words:

I dreamed a dream in time gone by

When hope was high and life worth living

I dreamed that love would never die . . .

And still I dream he’ll come to me

That we would live the years together

But there are dreams that cannot be. . .*

Jacques and I were 21 years apart so I knew that chances were he would go before me, but after 22 years of marriage, I was lost without him. We were fortunate to be together that long, but I always had the dream of a 50th wedding anniversary. And I was alone. In my life I had never lived alone, and all my dreams had to change. I had no intention of marrying again since I still felt married.

Have your dreams had to change? It’s hard, isn’t it.  We are so conditioned to be husband and wife, or a couple, or mother and child, or the role you played before any loss.  So how have your dreams changed since your loss? What have you done about your loneliness?

I did end up marrying again, and when Ron died, I was overwhelmed. Throughout our lives we experience more and more loss. We can become hardened or depressed, but it is much better for you to decide the best ways for you to start moving forward. Discover the dreams you’d like to experience. A good way to do this is to write about it. Here are some ideas of things to write about to help you find new dreams to dream.

I love to make lists. They help me find what I want to further explore. Get out a new journal, I use composition books you can pick up in drug stores or office supply stores. Here are some ideas of things to write about to help you find new dreams to dream:

List one: What are some places you have always wanted to go to and either couldn’t for some reason, or just didn’t get around to. Have you always wanted to travel, like to Tuscany or Bali? Or maybe you wanted to go to National Parks, or to the beach, or to Broadway.

List two: What have you always wanted to do in your community? Think about opportunities like volunteering at a hospital or homeless center. How about volunteering to make meals with a group that arranges something like that. Or volunteer to clean the beach or a forest or a roadside.

List three: What would you like to do to take care of yourself? Play pickle ball. Swim laps at the community pool. Take a dance class or a yoga class. Take a ceramics class or a watercolor class. Join a support group. Join a gym.

List four: Learn a new skill to get a different job. Make a list of occupations you are interested in.  Search online for training programs of jobs you like. Check at the local community college or university.

As you think about all these things, think about the people you would like to meet. Where would they be? Think about what you will do to feel comfortable in a new place.  You may not have needed to plan things like this in the past, but everything is different now. Going someplace different that where you have been comfortable in the past may not be easy.

The key here is to get out of your home and change your perspective. In the process, start thinking about the new dreams you want to dream.  As you do that, think about what you can actively do to make those dreams come true. Then, set your intention for what sounds like you would like to experience the most.

Dreams can come true.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*Song writers: Alain Albert Boublil / Claude Michel Schonberg / Herbert Kretzmer / Jean Marc Natel.  I Dreamed a Dream lyrics ©

The Staircase

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“Faith is taking the first step even when you can’t see the whole staircase.”

–Martin Luther King

 

Often those dealing with grief have no idea what their future holds which can be crippling. While grief isn’t something you get over, you can learn to move forward in your grief. But how can you do that if you have no idea what moving forward means?

When a loved one dies, the people who remain deal with many losses such as:

  • Loss of future goals, like together buying a home, traveling, or retiring
  • Loss of your loved one’s presence at weddings and graduations
  • Loss of the 50th wedding anniversary you were looking forward to
  • Loss of grandchildren you may not get to know or even meet
  • Loss of communication, or having someone to talk to

While dealing with losses like these, the idea of your future may be difficult to imagine, and you may be stuck in the beauty of the past or the anguish of the present. And you have no idea what the future holds now.

The truth is, as wonderful or as challenging your past has been, there is no going back. Do treasure your good memories from the past, but focus on now.  You may have had great plans for the future that are not possible now. So again, it’s time to focus on now. What can you do today to best help you prepare for your new life?

Have faith that each step you take on the staircase to the future is an opportunity to live your very best life now. Know that staircase is there to support you on your journey.  Use your present circumstances wisely to foster decisions that allow you to keep moving on up having faith that you are making the decisions necessary to ease your journey.

After Ron died, I couldn’t even see the first step of the staircase. To find a starting point, I journaled. As I wrote, I recognized what was missing; the purpose that had been guiding my life and actions no longer existed.  Once I knew that, my life opened up for me. As I formed a group to write about dealing with grief, more opportunities came my way to help others who were also dealing with grief.

I sought inspiration each day as I was writing in my journal. With my focus on helping my peers along their grief journeys, ideas easily flowed to me. This led me to a fulfilling life full of joy. I have many new friends, and I cherish the friendships I have gathered throughout my life. I love all I do now and am happier than I ever have been. My current life is rooted in positivity allowing me to see that staircase as a map leading to new journey forward.

Are you ready to step on to that stairway? Or if you are there now, do you keep moving on up? You can do it!  I have faith in you.

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

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What Side of the Bed Do You Get Up On?

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When I was young, I remember my mom saying that I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, and I couldn’t figure out what she was talking about. I shared a bed with my sister and we slept on the same side every night. I was on the left. She was on the right. And what difference did that make anyway?

As I reflect, I know now that she was talking about the attitude I woke up with, and that was rarely happy. Every day seemed the same, doing what I had to do. I was mostly lonely, and it seemed like no one cared what I did. So I did what I thought I was supposed to, and that was to be good.

My definition of being good changed throughout my life. It boiled down to doing the best I could, the most I could, but that never seemed to be enough. When I needed to make a decision, I would always wonder what my parents would expect me to do. It took a long time for me to see that I could do what I wanted to do and just be responsible to me for my decisions.

Whew! What a relief! My imagination became my guide. My choices became my own. I loved who brought joy to both of us. I quit a job I thought I was supposed to do and created a business I was passionate about. I lived where it was beautiful. And I manifested a life I had only dreamed about before.

Then my husband died. I felt so empty, so blank. I struggled to find who I was without him and what was next. Gradually, the broken pieces of my heart began to mend by taking care of myself and loving myself allowing me to love someone else again.

Then my next love, my next husband, died. While mourning, I decided loving again would be impossible, that I couldn’t live through it. Gradually, the memory of how my broken heart was able to heal in the past allowed me to focus on me again. I knew I was strong and the key to living had always been taking care of me.

Contemplation and exploration of this concept stitched my heart back together allowing my love to become stronger than ever, and now, it’s me who I love.

I nourish my heart with the unconditional happiness and love that causes it to beat as I pass that love and happiness forward. I see the warmth of my smile reflected to me allowing me the great comfort of knowing I finally have figured out how to live my very best life.

Now I get up on the right side of the bed every day and am grateful for my commitment to love and happiness.

What side of the bed to you get up on? You can change that if you choose.

 

 

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Who Are You

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When grieving, we often struggle with our sense of self. You may feel that one or more descriptive words you have identified with no longer seems accurate. After my husband died, I still felt like a wife since I had been one for so long. After my miscarriage, I lost the description of expectant mother.  After my parents died, a friend pointed out that I was an orphan. I definitely didn’t want that descriptor. When I retired, I still felt like a teacher. When I moved to Hawaii, I was no longer a Californian. When I finished my last nursing job, I still felt like a nurse, actually, I still do.

While all these descriptors don’t accurately indicate who I am now, they all are a part of what made me who I am today. Now, I could describe myself as a widow two times over, but to me, that description has a negative connotation. I could also define myself as single, but that doesn’t resonate with me either. I am so much more than a previous marital status.  So instead of expressing all the things I am not, I decided to list all the things I am.

I Am Alive. I have seen many people fade or just give up when they reach a certain age, and I have seen that for them, their quality of life, their energy, their will to live dims and often leads to an early death. I choose to fully experience my aliveness by getting up early, journaling, eating well, going for walks, enjoying art and music, and most of all delighting in my relationships.

I Am Creative. My creativity brings me so much happiness. I love to create new things like the Grief and Happiness Alliance, The Grief and Happiness Podcast, the six books I have published, the cards I created, the blankets I crochet, the food I lovingly prepare, the paintings and drawings I do, the online classes I created, the theatre, art gallery, schools of arts, and a café. I created, the nonprofit organizations I started. And I could go on.

I Am Unconditional Love. By giving up putting constraints on my relationships, they were able to blossom into more beautiful interconnections than I had experienced before. I now concentrate on giving and receiving unconditional love. I relish the love I have shared throughout my life in all the relationships I have been in.

I Am Healthy. Much of my life I have been dealing with ailments and injuries. When I stop focusing on those things and instead consider how I feel in each moment, generally, I feel great. Though I may have a cold or a broken toe, those things don’t control the joy in my heart or the strength of my love and happiness.

I Am Beautiful. Looking in the mirror, I focus on my smile and know that is the biggest contributor to my beauty and I am happy to share that.

Writing this description of me feels so good. What a wonderful life I lead.  Take a moment consider who you are and who you are striving to be. Make you own list of your best qualities and you will be amazed. You are unique and special in all the ways you choose to be. Focusing on who you are brightens your life experience. Enjoy!

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

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Reaching to the Other Side Blog

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My mother stayed in my home for several months before she transitioned. She had a meningioma, a non-malignant brain tumor which was not treatable. During this time, she lost weight, and sometimes she would seem like she was living in a different realm. My dad had died several years before, and she stopped smiling then. However, once she learned of her brain tumor diagnosis, she started to smile again and sometimes even laughed. I realized that she was grateful that she wasn’t going to be living much longer.

One day I heard her talking in the other room, so I went to check who was there. She didn’t see me come in and continued her conversation, only I didn’t see anyone. I also had no idea what she was saying. These random conversations continued happening, and she usually was smiling as she talked. Occasionally she would notice me listening. She’d smile at me then continued her conversation with whoever it was.  When I asked who she was speaking to, she’d just smile and keep talking. I noticed that sometimes she was reaching toward her visitor.

She started declining rapidly and lost so much weight that she was almost beyond recognition.  One day as I sat at her bedside, I sensed that she was slipping away. I held her arm where I could feel her pulse, and I talked to her.  I was moved by her gentle breath and told her, “It’s OK for you to go. Daddy is waiting for you.” As soon as I said that, her pulse slowed, then stopped. I realized she had been waiting for permission.

Years later, my mother’s sister Ila, started having strange behavior.  She had legally appointed me as her decision-maker, so I took her to the doctor. She was also diagnosed with a meningioma. She became confused and didn’t recognize her loved ones. I could see her frustration as she declined. I found a good place she could stay for care where a friend of mine was the Director of Nurses. I ensured all of her financial and legal affairs were in order. One night a nurse called me to say she had a fever, so I rushed to her side.  Even though she had a Do Not Resuscitate order, the nurse had called an ambulance. Fortunately, I was there when they came so that I could show them the order, so they left. As I sat by her side, I told her that she could let go, that my mother and her mother were waiting for her.  With that, she stopped breathing and passed peacefully.

Years later, my mother-in-law was living with us. She was diagnosed with a bowel obstruction and was in the hospital. She was in her nineties. The doctors pressured my husband to allow them to operate because she was in pain. He decided to go home to pray. I stayed with her as pain seemed to disappear and she started to talk to people I couldn’t see, and she was speaking in a strange language like I had heard my mother use years before. She also reached her hand toward who she was talking to. When my husband came back into her room, she died peacefully.

This week I am attending Death Doula Training. We are at a beautiful place on Maui with ocean views and tropical breezes, and the room is filled with so much love. As we shared our stories, people mentioned how when people they were attending to who were close to death they would reach out and speak to someone that only they could see. Listening to these stories combined with my own, it became clear to me there is more to transitioning from this earthly life than we may realize. I also am experiencing how precious this life experience is.  I have learned much as my loved ones depart from this earthly plain, and I am grateful.

 

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