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The Gifts You Give Blog

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This year seems to have flown by. November suddenly appeared on my calendar and all those end-of-year have-tos took over my mind like Christmas cards, gifts, gatherings, and special events. I took a deep breath and made a decision to be mindful this holiday season. I am making a list of all I think I should do, and when I finish that list, I will go back and eliminate anything that doesn’t make me happy. I already feel better about the season.

Of the items I have left on my list, I am planning when to accomplish them being sure not to plan them too close together to allow me the space to relax and enjoy what I do. For instance, I love to make Christmas cards. I’ve been thinking all year of the design for the front of the card. I have been using drawings that I have done for about five years. Since I have been doing watercolor painting this year, I am switching to that.

Ron and I wrote together the sentiment we put inside of every card. I’ve used those same words for about eight years, so this year I am writing something fresh. And I am creating those cards by the third week in November so they will be mailed at the start of December with no stress.

I am also creating a list of who I will give gifts to. I’ve noticed that I have been receiving fewer gifts each year, so this year I am examining my gift list to make thoughtful choices of the people I give gifts to. I used to feel obligated to give many gifts which was a burden on my time and resources. I see now that I was choosing to do that, and I no longer feel the need to make that choice. I feel relieved already!

Minimal decorations for my home will allow it to feel more spacious and showcase the items I have collected over the years that I cherish and bring me memories that make me smile. That way there is not as much put out and then put away later.

Taking the time to write this has allowed me to see that I am simplifying my December plans so much that have nothing to stress about this season. This is allowing me to experience the peace and grace of the season that I have been much too busy to enjoy in the past. This is the best gift I can give to myself.

What can you do now at the beginning of November to allow you to experience your best holiday season ever? Happy holidays!

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

Like a Child

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I was a latchkey child. Back in the olden days when I was young, starting in Kindergarten I walked to and from school by myself and entertained myself after school. My favorite childhood memories came from those times. I was so creative! I loved being outside, and walking was fun for me. I loved looking at all the houses and imagining what went on inside.  I especially liked the luscious fragrances wafting from the kitchens or the sweet smell of freshly mowed grass.

I knew all the families on our block, so if I ever needed anything, I visited them. There were no fences. I especially liked the people across the street who had an aviary for parakeets. They’d let me help with the birds and even gave me a pretty blue one to keep as a thank you. I wasn’t lonely because Julie was my imaginary friend. We loved to play together, and she was an amazing listener who always liked my ideas. She shared my bedroom and loved the same toys I did. She was a perfect friend!

The freedom I experienced at such a young age taught me to be independent, wise, brave, creative, and self-assured.  I heard someone giving advice recently who said, “Let your little girl lead the way.” With that, I remembered my little girl and how cool she was!  When I thought of myself as a little girl, I was impressed. I also saw that the words I used to describe her then are words I can use to describe me now. Of course, in all the years between then and now, I could use lots of other words to describe me, not always so positive. Now I have come full circle and am happy and grateful for the simplicity of my life.

What was your little girl (or little boy) like? Does your life now reflect who you were when you were young? I don’t remember things like wants or needs. I do remember peace and happiness. When you start to get stressed and have lots of “if only” thoughts beating you down, remember the good feelings you had as a child and let that child guide you to smile, be brave, and be strong. Make a list of the good attributes you had when you were young, and consider how that child in your past can bring you joy today.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

Me

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A popular assignment in writing classes at the university where I taught was to ask the students to write their own obituaries. I encouraged the students to write from the perspective of their futures as if they were 60 to 80 years old, reflecting on what they had accomplished in their lives.

The students had a hard time writing this.  They didn’t know what their futures would hold, and they had a hard time imagining what they might experience. They were focused on finishing their educations and getting jobs. I chose to write my own obituary to give them an idea of what theirs could be like. My life has changed so much since then, it’s time for me to write a new one,

Now I would focus on what has been most important in my life. Before I reflected on things like degrees, accomplishments, and awards. Now I write about love, relationships, and the beauty in my life.

Now what I want people to remember about me is that my purpose in life has been and is to serve others, not only my family and loved ones, but anyone who desires comfort, support, love, and happiness. And I would express how I would be honored if anyone would choose to emulate the purpose I have held.

I would also express my gratitude to everyone who has loved and supported me on my way. Of course, I also love to express that gratitude now while I can do it in person.

What would you write in your obituary?

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

Where Does All the Time Go?

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Do you ever get to the end of the day and feel further behind from when the day started? That’s not uncommon. Often, our To Do Lists are much longer than can possibly be accomplished in just one day, yet we keep plodding through with time slipping away and the list getting longer. Here are some ideas to help with this.

  • If you have a To Do List, check to see if each item on the list is important. Remove anything that is not important, choose the top three things on the list, and do all three first. Then choose the next top three. This helps you to release feeling overwhelmed.
  • When you accomplish something, pause before you jump right to the next thing. Take a breath. Smile. Stretch. Be gentle with yourself as you move forward.
  • Eliminate waiting from your life. Knowing that you only get to live each moment once, feel the value of that moment. Instead of going directly to your phone when you have a free moment, use that time to discover the beauty that surrounds you or to introduce yourself to the person sitting next to you. Or you could write a note or text to someone just to tell them you are thinking of them. Or just be silent and still.
  • Think about how people say they are “killing time.” Time is all we have, so why would you want to kill it? Value your time. Enjoy your time.

You have all the time in the world to live. Take advantage of your time to focus on what matters most to you. You will discover you smile more and fret less. What a beautiful way to live! Live in and enjoy every moment.

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance, which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

The People You Touch

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In early grief, self-isolation is common. Frequently, we are not interested in conversation and talking to anyone may seem like a chore. We may not even feel like getting out of bed or getting up off the couch. Being outside may feel insecure, so hibernating indoors, waiting for all the pain to fade away, may be the best thing we can do at that moment.

Eventually, the light starts to break through. Maybe it’s a particularly beautiful sunrise you step outside to fully experience. Or maybe you develop a craving for a certain food, so you venture to the corner store. Whatever the inspiration, inevitably, you’ll be ready to start moving forward.

Initially, your friends and family may have been checking up on you, but the longer you are isolated, the less frequently they reach out. Now that you are awakening, you see that the rest of the world has already moved on. What you are missing now is company, but you may be too tender to reach out.

If this is your situation, commit to self-care.  Start by daydreaming about what would feel good who you would enjoy being with. One of my friends decided to take me to the beach. I didn’t have much energy, so I sat in my beach chair while she went on a walk. Basking in the sunshine, I enjoyed the rhythm of the waves and the children’s laughter at the shore.  This felt so good, and I knew I was ready to bring myself to the beach next time and go for a walk.

Instead of waiting for someone else to come along and sweep me away, I signed up for a ceramics class. This was a safe space for me to observe, listen and learn. And feeling the clay in my hands again after so long was refreshing. I realized that my creativity nurtures me, and I decided to do more. I also enjoyed listening to the conversations of my fellow students and eventually joined in.

I gained strength by being with others, so I decided to create a group of people who were grieving and wanting to feel better. We could get together and write and share what we were writing. Strangers to each other at first, we became like family, caring for and supporting each other. And the group grew.

With Thanksgiving coming up, I had been dreading the holiday alone. Most people I knew already had plans for the day, so I decided to invite people I’d been missing to come to my house the week before Thanksgiving for a Friendsgiving celebration. Many people came and were thrilled to get together again. We ate and played music and games, having a wonderful time.

I realized I didn’t have to be alone. Many people had missed me and were at a loss of how to reconnect. Being with my friends, feeling the warmth of their care, I knew I was on my way forward, never to go back to the lonely, isolated place I’d been dwelling.

Now I know that while enjoying some alone time and rest, being with old and new friends is where I am meant to be. Now I facilitate gatherings, I take and teach classes, and I don’t hesitate to reach out when I desire company. With those people I touch now, I am developing rich, deep relationships which greatly enhance our life experiences, and I am grateful.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

A Good Death

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I put myself through college by working as a Licensed Vocational Nurse. People in the medical field are sometimes approached by others for medical advice. I didn’t give medical advice, but I did help people when I could. One day, a friend of a friend called me and said that her mother was staying at her home while she was on Hospice. She said that her regular visiting nurse couldn’t come in that day and that her mother needed to be bathed and to give her medications, and she asked me if I could help. So, I did.

When I arrived, the mother’s family was gathered around her, though she was no longer speaking. I suggested that for her privacy that they could wait in the other room while she got her bath. I gave her a bed bath, which was a beautiful experience as she was so peaceful. During the bath, I sensed she was transitioning. I took her pulse, which was very slow and irregular, and her breathing had slowed way down.

By the end of her bath, her heart had stopped. I put on the powder that she loved and dressed her in a fresh nightgown. She looked comfortable. I told her family that her breathing and heart had stopped and that she was no longer in pain. They gathered around her, and I quietly slipped away.  On my drive home, I realized she had a good death.

What would you consider a good death? For your loved ones? For you? Although my mother dealt with the effects of a brain tumor for a couple of years, she died in her bed with me by her side, giving her permission to go. My dad died a good death in that he had a heart attack and didn’t have to struggle with pain or a long hospitalization. My husband Ron died a good death as the last week of his life he was on hospice, and he got to say goodbye to his friends and family who had traveled to Maui to be with him. And he face-timed with those who couldn’t make the trip to Maui. My mother-in-law died a good death in the hospital where she wanted to be. I was by her side giving her permission to go, and she got to avoid having surgery she didn’t want for a bowel obstruction.

The experience that I had with my mother and mother-in-law of giving them permission to let go is often done.  When people realize that death is near, they may fear death, or they may not want to cause pain to their loved ones by having them present to witness the death.  I have given the same message to others, and they all seemed to relax as they died. For these people, their death was good.

The key to having a good death is to speak openly about the inevitability of death with your loved ones. Think about what is important to you and to your loved ones not only for your death but also theirs.  Here are some ideas for what to talk about:

  • You may want all lifesaving procedures to be done if your heart stops. Or you may not want this.
  • You may want to die with dignity. Define what that means to you.
  • You may want to have a feeding tube to bring you nutrition if you can no longer swallow. Or you may not want a feeding tube ever.
  • You may have religious or spiritual considerations you want followed.
  • You may want your quality of life considered when decisions are being made regarding life savings measures.
  • You may not choose to obey a doctor’s orders, and you have a right to make that decision.

Now is the time for you to have these conversations and to examine how you feel about all of this.

My definition of a good death is one where my wishes for me are followed and where I am pain free.  What is your definition of a good death?

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance, which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here