self-care

Stuck

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When I read what people are saying in some of the grief groups I follow, I notice that many people are stuck in their grief. The gist of what I hear is that people feel that if they lighten up on their grief, they somehow will lose the connection with their loved one who died.  The people who express this seem so sad, unable to connect with their new situation of their loved one’s passing. They seem to feel that they must stay sad because being happy in their situation feels like a betrayal to their loved one.

I was writing the other day about how my husbands would like for me to deal with my life now. In the process of writing, I felt my husbands smiling at me, so I started to smile while I was writing. When that happened, I realized that my husbands would want me to be happy. I remembered how when we first got together, Ron was always telling me to smile.  I was so serious then. As I looked in the mirror, I could see how much better I looked when I was smiling, and that smiling actually was making me feel better, lighter, and happy.

All of us people grieving will experience periods of yearning or sadness.  The key is to recognize these feelings, experience them, thank them, then release them and smile even if smiling is a challenge.  When we stay stuck in these feelings, that is all we are concentrating on.  Time goes on, and we aren’t moving forward with it because all we can think about is our loved one. When you find yourself falling into this abyss, take a few slow, deep breaths to center yourself, and commit to yourself to release those feelings.  And when they come back, do this again.  The more you recognize what you are doing, the easier it will be to deal with your feelings.

Make your journal your friend.  When you start feeling that sadness, anxiety, or yearning, write about what you are feeling. Include why you are feeling the way you are right now. What triggered this feeling?  For instance, if whenever you eat apple pie, you remember how much your loved one loved apple pie and always had to have two servings each time you made it. You find yourself feeling blue when you remember this.  Take some time to explore this feeling. My main memory of apple pie was how much I enjoyed making apple pie because Ron loved it so much, and it made him smile. Instead of staying stuck in that sadness you I was feeling, I could smile at the happiness of the memory.  You will be amazed how you can shift your reaction to your memories in a positive way so that you can release the sadness and replace it with the good memory.

I challenge you to pick up your journal each time you start feeling the negative emotions and find the joy in the experience you remember. Focus on that joy, and in the process, release that sadness.  The more you do this, the happier you will become until you find yourself naturally feeling the happiness while releasing the negativity.

You can do this.  You can be happy.  Your loved one would want you to be happy.

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, here:

https://smile.amazon.com/Ignite-Forgiveness-Journey-Peace-Harmony-ebook/dp/B0BLFCYYD6/ref=sr_1_1?crid=9C6VAFE42H5C&keywords=ignite+forgiveness+book&qid=1669836040&sprefix=Ignite+forg%2Caps%2C284&sr=8-1

 

Healing My Heart

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When my husband Jacques died, I had many different physical symptoms like a flair of inflammation and insomnia. I spent too much time with doctors trying to find relief, but I eventually did feel better.

Then when Ron’s heart started to fail, I was challenged too.  My blood pressure was way too high which was especially strange to me because I had always had low blood pressure, and I developed an arrythmia in my heartbeat.  While I was concerned, I was mostly focused on Ron and caring for him.

After Ron transitioned, my blood pressure stayed high, and I could even feel my rapid pulse and get light headed. Back to the doctor I went, and my cardiologist told me I had PTSD.  Instead of giving me more medicine, he advised me to stop taking several of the drugs I had been taking. I started feeling physical better when I did this. I had an echocardiogram at this time which showed that the wall of my heart had thickened because my high blood pressure was causing it to work so hard.

My blood pressure was still high and would elevate to dangerous levels. I decided to do whatever I could to start helping myself.  I started being mindful of what I was eating. I took daily walks. I meditated and wrote in my journal every day. And what seems to help me most was helping others by teaching them how to write to deal with their grief. I also became a Happy For No Reason Certified Trainer and started infusing happiness with my teaching and everything else I did.

I started feeling much better and didn’t notice my racing pulse anymore. My blood pressure gradually went down to a normal range consistently.  This all happened when I realized that by doing when I am doing, I am happier now than I ever have been.

This week I had an appointment with my cardiologist after I had a new echocardiogram done, and she was delighted that the thickening of the wall of my heart was no longer there. I asked her how that could be, and she explained that since my heart didn’t have to work so hard because of the hypertension, it was able to heal and she said that now my heart looks perfect.

I recalled hearing how our whole body replaces itself every seven years, so I decided to discover what I could about that.  I found this fascinating article: https://www.discovery.com/science/Body-Really-Replace-Itself-Every-7-Years

I found out that our body is constantly changing in different ways so it made perfect sense that my heart could heal.  What made even more sense was that all I had been doing to take good care of myself actually did make a huge difference in my life. I am now more motivated than ever to keep up all those good self-care habits I started, and I am encouraging others about how important self-care is.

I suggest you eat well, go for a walk, write in your journal, read a good book, weed your garden, visit with friends, and maybe even dance.

Find happiness in your beautiful self, and you will feel so much better!

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

The Truth

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Do you always tell the absolute truth? The most common answer to this question is “Of course I only tell the truth!” But do you? Really?

Years ago, there were many stories that I told. I wasn’t trying to be dishonest. I was trying to feel better about myself.  I felt that I could be seen in a better light if I just enhanced what I was saying just a little bit, but if that enhancement didn’t happen or didn’t happen the way I described, what I said wasn’t the truth.

One relationship I had ended badly, so when anyone would ask me about it, the story I told made me a victim and the other person the villain. I wasn’t exactly lying. I was trying to be persuasive and get sympathy. I look back now at my sorry self and see how what I said just made things worse.

Can you think of a time when you fudged a little? Something could be as simple as writing the weight you’d like to be rather than your actual weight on a health questionnaire is an example. Or something like telling yourself that buying just one extra carton of ice cream won’t affect your weight, when you know for you that one extra carton leads to three since they are on such a good sale.

Your dishonestly can be even more troubling when you say what you want to be true, like telling someone you love them because they said it first instead of recognizing that is not how you feel at that point.  You aren’t telling the truth when you embellish what you are saying like “That pie you made was so good,” when you knew it was a struggle to take another bite.  You just didn’t want to hurt the baker’s feelings. What you didn’t know when you said that was because of your compliment, that baker made several of that same pie for the bake sale later that week.  Those poor people who bought something they thought would be good and your baker friend lost their reputation as a good cook.

Little lies can build up locking you in a trap of having to create bigger lies to cover up for the first thing you said. Maybe when asked about the skills of a friend, you exaggerated because you knew that what you said could get them the job they needed. When that didn’t work out, then you found yourself being more dishonest when you tried to cover for what you said in the first place.

Lies we tell ourselves while we are grieving are things like, “I will never be happy again,” or “I can’t get over how I am feeling.”  What do you say about your grief that isn’t exactly true or that you don’t know if it is true or not?  Remember, if you say something often enough, it can become your truth. And I know you would love to feel better.

Be mindful of what you say. When you aren’t completely sure if something is completely true, don’t say it. What often happens is that we speak first and think about what we said later. The trouble with this is once the words come out of your mouth, you can’t take them back.

When I finally realized that I was not being exactly truthful because it was easier or because I just didn’t think before I spoke, I knew that not being in integrity was hurting me. Now I have developed the habit of being mindful of what I say, of thinking before I speak. I no longer embellish, exaggerate, or just fudge a little with what I say. Changing this behavior was not quick and took dedication, and it was so worth it.

True happiness can only come with true integrity.

 

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

Why Am I Happy?

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When I mention the name of my podcast, Grief and Happiness, to someone, I generally get comments of how those two words don’t go together, but I know in my heart that they do.

People generally think of grief being negative reminding them of great sorrow. I understand that, and I also know that grief is the natural reaction to the loss of a loved one or other kind of traumatic loss.  Yet we can’t stay I that dark place for too long without starting to lose grip on the potential of happiness.

Think of a time when you fell in love.  That was the highest natural high I ever experienced.  Everything is beautiful. Your heart races when you see your loved one. You crave that special touch and tingle all over when you get it. And you revel in pure joy. As incredible as this time is, the relationship gradually settles into a secure, comfortable knowingness of the security true love brings.

Just as you can’t stay at the peak of that passion, you can’t stay at the peak of despair. You may feel that your grief will never lighten, but it does usually so slowly that you don’t notice it is happening. This is the natural order of things. As the grief lessens, breathing becomes easier, your heart doesn’t feel so heavy. Your world doesn’t seem as dark.

When you first start to smile a little, this may feel unnatural, yet gradually, smiling is easier to do. You can notice something that reminds you of something positive about your loved one and you smile without realizing you are. The more you allow yourself to smile, the better you will feel, and laughter will trickle in.

Take a moment to remember something that brings a smile to you about your loved one. Remember what it was like to feel that smile returned to you with love. Revel in that feeling. Know that if your loved one was sitting with you right now, that’s what would happen, your smiles reflecting each other. And it feels good, doesn’t it?

I remember my husband tell me that he always wanted me to be happy, to feel joy. When I start to feel in a funk, I’ll recall his smile and my lips just naturally turn up.

Happiness and grief do go hand in hand.  When you love someone, you want them to be happy.  When you love yourself full out, you want yourself to be happy too. Focus on joy. Focus on positivity. Focus on Love.  Be happy because that is the best way to live, and your loved one would want that for you.

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

When I Let Go

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Rev Rachel Hollander, the President of the board of the Grief and Happiness Alliance Nonprofit Organization, has a beautiful singing voice and is an accomplished song writer, so when she invited me to attend the service on Zoom of the Washington DC Unity Church where she would be singing three songs, I knew I had to attend even though at was at 5 AM Maui time where I live. I am so glad I did!

All week last week when I awakened in the morning l could hear her singing one of the songs she wrote and sang at that service. The name of the song is Float because it came to here fully formed when she was in a flotation tank. The words that reached me deeply are “When I Let Go.”

On the third day in a row I was singing that refrain, I finally got it. That was a message to me. I have lived such a busy life. I always had more to do, not out of obligation, but out of passion. I love my life, and I keep getting inspired to do more. And I am a bit of a perfectionist, so I put a lot of pressure on me to have things exactly the way I want them.

As I heard those lyrics, I knew it was time for a big change. This week I was getting ready to go to Unity Village in Missouri to speak at their grief retreat. We’ve been planning it for months, and I was ready to leave. Then my flight got delayed, which meant that I would not be able to catch my connecting flight. So I saw this as a time to let go. My good friend Shena, who made the flight arrangements for me, was able to get me booked on a different airline, and she got a refund for the other flight.

It was Sunday, and I wasn’t able to reach the person in Missouri who was handling the arrangements for me on that end, so I figured out how to change my transportation from the airport. Although I arrived a day later than planned, I had initially scheduled to arrive a day early to help me with the jet lag from the five hour time difference, so everything worked out perfectly.

In the past, I would have been a nervous wreck. This time I chose to let all that stress go. Everything was handled with ease and grace, and I ended up with a free day to relax with a good book.

I am looking at my life and realize that I will now focus on being rather than doing. And in paying attention, I also see that I had already started this awhile ago.  Now I am being mindful of this change, and you know what? It feels great. I have so much more room and time to be at peace, to listen when someone speaks to me, and to focus on taking care of myself first so that I am present in all I do to live my best life.

How about you? What can you let go of to enhance your beautiful life?

 

You can listen to Rev Rachel’s beautiful song here.

Rev Rachel Hollander

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

Say It Now!

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I feel so fortunate now that for all my loved ones who have transitioned, I was able to say whatever I wanted them to know before they died. That is such a good feeling.

Feeling like I had no more I had to say freed me to have wonderful conversations with these people. We were able to talk about anything we wanted to because we weren’t holding anything back. My mother had an inoperable brain tumor which interfered with her ability to communicate in the present, but her past memories were crystal clear, so I was able to hear about my family’s history I wouldn’t have known otherwise.

I have a dear friend who I lost touch with for many years, and when we reconnected, it felt like we had never been apart. We didn’t need to spend time on the past though because the present was real and happening now. This gave a different slant to our relationship than we used to have. And I love her even more.

My husband Ron and I had lived full lives before we met. Our experiences were wide and varied, but we didn’t dwell there.  We got to know each other as we were in that moment. That was freeing. I was able to let go of past experiences which no longer served me because they really didn’t matter to me anymore.  This made our conversations relevant and interesting. By the time he died, we were complete and whole.

On the other hand, Ron hadn’t had much of a relationship with his son for years. His son came to me with questions about his dad after he died, and I couldn’t answer. I could see that he wished he would have asked sooner. The realization that he could no longer find the answers he longed for was difficult for him. Something like this can be devastating.

Are you holding back an important conversation with someone you love? How would you feel if suddenly you would never have the conversation or make amends, or tell the truth?

Now is your opportunity to speak up. What question do you want or feel the need to have an answer about? What deep feelings do you want to express yet never found the right moment?

Instead of just thinking about these things that are important to you, do something now.

Make a phone call, write a letter, or send a text to make arrangements to see someone face to face, even if it is on a screen, then say what you need to say. Say it now. You will be so glad you did!

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763