love

Grief is a Constant Companion

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I was reading The Lost Bookshop by Evie Woods when I came across a quote that stuck with me: “Grief is a constant companion.” It led me to think about my loved ones who have gone before me. That’s not hard to do since I see reminders of them every day. I had a particular memory come to mind last night.

When I went to bed, the big, full moon filled the window shining brightly. When I see a full moon, I have a memory of Ron, so I smiled at the moon and told Ron hello. The night after he died, several friends who had come to be with him during his last week decided to go on a dinner cruise because our friend who had been barbecuing that week was singing on the cruise that night, and they insisted that I join them. I didn’t want to go, but it did turn out to be a lovely evening.

I sat by myself listening to the music and watching the moon rise. A glimmering trail on the water extended from the moon to the boat, seeming to beckon me to follow it to climb up into the moon to join Ron.  Now whenever I see a big full moon, I feel Ron’s presence. Last night, I awoke feeling like it was daytime because my room was filled with light. I checked my phone which said it was just after 1 AM. I glanced outside to see the full moon again. Ron was just checking in.

Ron’s not the only one. Last night I felt my mother as I was smelling the fragrance of her beef stew recipe I was fixing for dinner. I smile each time I hear an ambulance siren remembering how Dad and Mom and I ran Daddy’s small town ambulance company until I moved away for college. So many friends and family members have graced my life.  I cherish the experiences, support, memories, and love they have left with me. While grief is my constant companion, I choose to focus on the happiness we shared.

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

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Take a Ride

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As a child, on Sunday afternoon my parents and I would often go for a ride in the car. We lived in a small farming town where there wasn’t much to do, so these rides were a very special treat. I sat in the back seat gazing out the window at the beauty of nature. The car didn’t have a radio so we would all sing together the same songs every time: A Bicycle Built for Two, California Here I Come, The Old Rugged Cross, and more.

I got quite an education from watching flood waters, remnants of fires, a dam being built, fragrant orange blossoms, and miles of fields growing cotton.

My favorite was going out in the spring to see all the wildflowers. Mom knew the names of every one of them. Sometimes we’d stop so we could get outside to see them up close. My favorites were the vast acreage of bright orange poppies especially when they had deep bluish purple lupine mixed in. That’s still my favorite color combination.

Recently I had to get a ride from a friend to an appointment. The weather was strange that day with light gray clouds high up in the sky providing an umbrella for the whole island of Maui. Under the clouds was crystal clear making everything seem bright and beautiful.

I had been on the road on the side of Haleakala volcano many times before, but this is the first time I saw it when I wasn’t driving. I was astounded by the beauty of the view of the valley between both sides of the island. It was easy to see the island of Lanai and the tops of the west Maui mountains both of which are usually covered with clouds.

The tropical flowers were stunning and so big. The colors were vibrant. Even the weeds were gorgeous displaying their own blossoms. And I spotted a contented goat standing by the road munching on those pretty weeds! I was so refreshed by the time I got home.

Those of us grieving often find it easy to hibernate, staying inside our homes with the curtains closed. This environment can become stuffy and colorless. If you start feeling this way, try getting outside. Jump into your car and drive someplace unfamiliar and beautiful. Take time to stop and experience fresh air and fragrant flowers. Stretch and maybe even take a walk. Look at everything with new eyes enjoying all you discover. Try taking some pictures or doing some sketches. Just relax and allow yourself to be immersed in the natural beauty.

You will find the more often you do this, the better you will feel. Take good care of your precious self.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

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Break Your Heart Open

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I recently ran across the phrase “Break your heart open.” That made me think about how often people who are dealing with grief or loss feel that their heart is tender from their loss. To protect that tenderness, it’s only natural for us to shield our hearts from any possible future loss.

The trouble with working so hard to keep your heart safe, the hurt places can form scars. Scars keep getting thicker and harder creating a shield that prevents strong healthy heart beats. Eventually your heart can shut down all together.

While I am referring to that simply shaped valentine style heart, the physical heart also is affected. There are so many tragic stories of when someone dies, their loved has such a hard time dealing with their heart that they don’t know to how to go on. While it may feel this way, know that you can go on.

I am sure you have heard people tell you that your loved one would want you to be happy, and while I believe that to be true, that’s not the best thing to tell you when you are missing someone so deeply. To bring you comfort, try writing a letter to whoever you are missing. This can be anyone you would love to talk too. I write my husbands on Valentine’s Day and on our anniversaries, my mother on Mother’s Day, My father on Father’s Day, my sister and other friends and relatives who have transitioned, I write to on their birthdays or on Thanksgiving.

These letters allow you to say whatever you would like to say. Often, I think of something I would like to talk to one of my loved one about, so I write them a letter. I’ll think Ron would know just what decision I need to make. Jacques would cheer me up. After I write one of these special letters, I always feel better. And I feel belter still if  I write a letter back to me from whoever I wrote to. I always get an answer. I just write out the letter as if I am taking dictation. I’ve had people say I am just writing what I want to hear. That may be, but I choose to believe I am writing out exactly what my loved one wants me to know.

When you feel like your heart is breaking, pay attention. Be easy on yourself. Do something comforting for you. Do something positive to help you put your mind on something else. Instead of being sad about your situation, let your heart break open. Open to comfort, open to happiness, open to love.  When you open your heart wide, you have lots of room for all the things that serve you best.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

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Grateful for Love

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Holidays bring memories of our precious loved ones who aren’t at the table. Try finding ways to feel their presence.  I start every day with my journal, so on holidays I always write to my loved ones. Many of us have the tradition of saying what we are thankful for at the table before we eat. I do that, and I also write in my journal something I am grateful for about my loved ones. And I record special memories. Starting my day that way allows me to feel their comfort all day.

I remember home cured olives mom’s friends would bring. I remember putting my handprint on a steamy kitchen window while relishing the fragrance of sage and thyme. I remember laughter and storytelling at the table. Most Thanksgivings I’ve invited people who don’t have someplace else to go. We’ve had traveling nurses, actors, friends we rarely saw, and even ex-wives—. We share memories of our loved ones and often raise a toast in honor of them.

I usually don’t wear jewelry any more with my casual island lifestyle. But during the holidays I make an exception. I’ll wear the ruby ring my Daddy gave me for my 16th birthday to remember him by. I wear the ring Jacques had made for me with my children’s birthstones. I wear my wedding ring and Ron’s that I had fused together. And I wear lots of other beautiful things that remind me of the great lives I have experienced, and still experience now in a different way.

For dinner we have special foods that say Thanksgiving to me. I love to make the herby dressing my mom did and the cornbread stuffing my mother-in-law Fran always made. And I always make what mom called Waldorf salad that isn’t like any recipe I’ve seen. Most people don’t care for it, but for my son and I, it wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without  its yumminess.

And the day wouldn’t be complete without music, so in the background there will always be some J. S. Bach and some smooth jazz. Make your holiday special, even if you aren’t preparing a feast. Fill it with loving memories and smiles. Text your loved ones who aren’t there with you, and savor the love you have had throughout your life.

I’m sending you lots of comfort for a day filled with love.

 

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here. https://a.co/d/eWNx3j1

 

Lani

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Yesterday I went to the beach here on Maui to watch a group of children learn about a special tradition we do in Hawaii. There were twelve children, 6 boys and 6 girls. They were brought together by two organizations, Experience Camps and Camp Manitou to spend 5 days in beautiful Maui. All the children are dealing with the grief of a close loved one. I went to their special ceremony on their final day.

We met on the beach, and a Kupuna, an honored Hawaiian elder, spoke about how in Hawaii, the people looked up at the sky and noticed how it joins with the ocean where they blend together. She said how most people look into the sky for heaven, but Hawaiians see the ocean and sky together as one, and they call that Lani, the Hawaiian word for heaven. In Hawaii, when someone dies, a celebration is often held at the beach, where flowers are released into the ocean/lani to celebrate them.

The children and their counselors all went out into the ocean in canoes and on paddle boards. They gathered in a group where orchids and plumerias were given to the children to release into the water. Then to their surprise, a helicopter arrived above them. Because it was a rescue helicopter, it had a siren going, which delighted the children. Then cascades of flowers were released over the children to join them in honoring their loved ones. All of the adults on the beach were in awe and tears.

In our society, we often equate grief with older people, yet we all experience different kinds of grieving throughout our lifetimes. The concept of death may sometimes be beyond the understanding of our children, and they are often left alone in their sorrow or, even worse, taunted or bullied about their grief by their peers.  Allowing children to be with others who are also dealing with loss can help normalize the experience for them.

I am including the link below for Experience Camps which has a beautiful, inspiring short video about Experience Camps, and an article from their website called “Can we please stop grief shaming.” Think about the grief children are experiencing. You’ll never know when you may discover a child you can comfort during this challenging experience.

When my husband Ron died, the people who attended the ash scattering service all showed up with grocery bags full of flowers from their yards for us to take out on the canoes to release with the ashes. Then when my sister died during the pandemic, I couldn’t go to be with my family. I took flowers from my yard to the beach and released them thinking of her. Yesterday the Kapuna handed me flowers, so I released them into the lani with such sweet memories. This beautiful tradition I will always remember, and whenever I go to the ocean, I will do so with love, sweet memories, and flowers.

 

Link to Experience Camps

Link to Experience Camps blog Can We Please Stop Grief Shaming?

Link to Camp Manitou

 

https://experiencecamps.org/

https://experiencecamps.org/blog/can-we-please-stop-grief-shaming

https://campmanitou.mb.ca/

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Guide by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

 

Positively!

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When you always speak only positive words, you will be happy! I realize that is a bold statement, yet it is true, and it was a hard lesson for me to learn. You may say “I am always positive,” but are you really?

Here is an example.  Compare “I don’t like to eat liver” to “I love to eat fresh Hawaiian bananas.” Those two sentences feel different when you read them because of that little contraction where not is hidden. Not is so frequently used, and it is definitely negative.

How often do you use words like: not, apathetic, dishonest, anxious, betrayed, disappointed, lied, jealous, bad, malicious?  Doesn’t it  just feel icky, another negative word, just to read these words? Just like that phrase “Be careful what you wish for,” when you speak or think or write negative words, that’s what you get.

When grieving, you may say something like “I’ll never fall in love again,” or “I’ll always be alone,” or “my heart is broken.” When you say these statements, guess what you get? Accidental manifestation is something that happens unconsciously when we dwell in negativity. When you say, “Finding new friends is hard,” new friends are unlikely to be in your future.

Think about it. When do you use negative words? I learned to catch myself when I am writing so I can change the meaning of my statement by eliminating what is negative, changing my statement to what I really mean.

Try this experiment today.  Notice when you say something negative. Keep a list of negative words you catch when you are communicating.  When you notice a negative word, change your statement into something positive.  For instance, if you say, “I’m not going to drive on that road because there are so many accidents,” try saying instead, “I am going to drive on the new road with the lower speed limit.”

People grieving often find themselves dwelling in negativity and long to be happy again. Changing how you are feeling will come from focusing on being positive. Instead of saying “My friend never calls me,” pick up the phone and call your friend. Say something like, “I am thinking of you and wanted to hear your voice and see how you are doing.”

You can raise your happiness level by speaking positive words and believing what you say.  You can do this! You will be so happy you did!

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here