how to deal with grief

Where Does All the Time Go?

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Do you ever get to the end of the day and feel further behind from when the day started? That’s not uncommon. Often, our To Do Lists are much longer than can possibly be accomplished in just one day, yet we keep plodding through with time slipping away and the list getting longer. Here are some ideas to help with this.

  • If you have a To Do List, check to see if each item on the list is important. Remove anything that is not important, choose the top three things on the list, and do all three first. Then choose the next top three. This helps you to release feeling overwhelmed.
  • When you accomplish something, pause before you jump right to the next thing. Take a breath. Smile. Stretch. Be gentle with yourself as you move forward.
  • Eliminate waiting from your life. Knowing that you only get to live each moment once, feel the value of that moment. Instead of going directly to your phone when you have a free moment, use that time to discover the beauty that surrounds you or to introduce yourself to the person sitting next to you. Or you could write a note or text to someone just to tell them you are thinking of them. Or just be silent and still.
  • Think about how people say they are “killing time.” Time is all we have, so why would you want to kill it? Value your time. Enjoy your time.

You have all the time in the world to live. Take advantage of your time to focus on what matters most to you. You will discover you smile more and fret less. What a beautiful way to live! Live in and enjoy every moment.

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance, which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

We Get By With A Little Help From Our Friends  

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I just finished going through all my emails with updates relating to the Maui Fires.  The three biggest fires are not contained, but they will be soon. Maui residents are pulling together to help in any way we can. With almost 5,000 people without housing who have lost everything, there is so much to do.  The creativity people demonstrate is inspiring. Hawaii musicians are coming together to stage concerts. Restaurants are having fundraisers. Grocery Stores are collecting donations at checkout with the donation amount printed on the receipt for tax deductions. Maui artist Rebecca Lowell decorated an evacuation center with her artwork. And so much more! Michael Franti, who lives in California, is my favorite singer. In a bold way, he brings his music of peace and love around the world. He raised and donated $35,000 to Maui.

We keep hearing about how people step in and help in so many ways. I even did a Facebook fundraiser and raised over $6,000.

During my life, I have made many friends along the way. Even if I don’t see them or talk to them, I still consider them friends. Going through this devastating experience on our beautiful island home, I am grateful to all my friends who have reached out to me. I’ve had wonderful, long phone calls and many texts and emails. I’ve heard from classmates all the way back to kindergarten. I have heard from colleagues from different careers I have had. I’ve heard from neighbors from different places I’ve lived. I’ve heard from people who have read my books and people who participate in the Grief and Happiness Alliance and more. I am realizing how much love and friendship I have experienced, and that is soothing to my soul.

After my husband Ron died, I was searching for what I was supposed to do. From that came my commitment to provide comfort, support, love, and happiness to people dealing with grief and loss. I am doing that by writing my books, hosting my podcast, and facilitating the Grief and Happiness Alliance.  I love following this path. As the reality of the tremendous loss on our island sinks in, I realize how much I can do right here. I am grateful for the opportunity to help people deal with all this loss by writing about it.

Are you writing about your grief and loss? If not, this is a good time to start.

Are you in touch with all your friends you would like to be? If not, reach out.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance Nonprofit Organization has established a Maui Grief Relief fund. From every $25 donated to this fund, we give a copy of The Grief and Happiness Handbook to a Maui resident. And we use the funds to establish writing groups on Maui to help our residents through this mutual loss.  We’d love for you to donate to that fund by clicking here.

If you would like to donate to Maui Food Bank, you can click here.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance, which meets weekly on Sundays, by clicking here.

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

Convincing Yourself to Change

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Getting stuck while grieving is easy to do. Freeing yourself from being stuck is another story. Think about your grieving experience. What are some habits you have created? What are some old habits you have amplified?

Many people tell me they are lonely in grief, yet often, they have been isolating themselves. They could deal with this issue by contacting people they’d like to spend time with. Making that first move can feel overwhelming. If that’s how you feel, try something easy, like texting or mailing a note. Little efforts can start to break the ice. Once that happens, moving forward is easier.

Another common challenge grievers have is eating too much or too little. Mindless eating happens when you keep unhealthy things around to eat. You can eat a cookie or two, but when you eat the whole bag, you have a problem. The opposite is true if you don’t keep healthy things around to eat. When you are at the store, pick up some grapes or berries that are easy to store and eat. Find some pre-picked and cut carrots or some celery. That fresh crunch is a great sensation to brighten your mood.  When you’d have to make an effort to go to the store or farmers’ market, just not eating is easier.

What habits do you recognize that you need to address? Try writing about it. Make a list of what you want to change. Identifying what you’d like to change or improve will help you to be mindful of what you are doing now to support your habits so that you can change your behavior.

When you consciously decide to change what no longer serves you, you can release whatever that is.  What can you let go of that allows you to get out of your way and start moving forward?

You can do this. Start today.

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

 

Lani

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Yesterday I went to the beach here on Maui to watch a group of children learn about a special tradition we do in Hawaii. There were twelve children, 6 boys and 6 girls. They were brought together by two organizations, Experience Camps and Camp Manitou to spend 5 days in beautiful Maui. All the children are dealing with the grief of a close loved one. I went to their special ceremony on their final day.

We met on the beach, and a Kupuna, an honored Hawaiian elder, spoke about how in Hawaii, the people looked up at the sky and noticed how it joins with the ocean where they blend together. She said how most people look into the sky for heaven, but Hawaiians see the ocean and sky together as one, and they call that Lani, the Hawaiian word for heaven. In Hawaii, when someone dies, a celebration is often held at the beach, where flowers are released into the ocean/lani to celebrate them.

The children and their counselors all went out into the ocean in canoes and on paddle boards. They gathered in a group where orchids and plumerias were given to the children to release into the water. Then to their surprise, a helicopter arrived above them. Because it was a rescue helicopter, it had a siren going, which delighted the children. Then cascades of flowers were released over the children to join them in honoring their loved ones. All of the adults on the beach were in awe and tears.

In our society, we often equate grief with older people, yet we all experience different kinds of grieving throughout our lifetimes. The concept of death may sometimes be beyond the understanding of our children, and they are often left alone in their sorrow or, even worse, taunted or bullied about their grief by their peers.  Allowing children to be with others who are also dealing with loss can help normalize the experience for them.

I am including the link below for Experience Camps which has a beautiful, inspiring short video about Experience Camps, and an article from their website called “Can we please stop grief shaming.” Think about the grief children are experiencing. You’ll never know when you may discover a child you can comfort during this challenging experience.

When my husband Ron died, the people who attended the ash scattering service all showed up with grocery bags full of flowers from their yards for us to take out on the canoes to release with the ashes. Then when my sister died during the pandemic, I couldn’t go to be with my family. I took flowers from my yard to the beach and released them thinking of her. Yesterday the Kapuna handed me flowers, so I released them into the lani with such sweet memories. This beautiful tradition I will always remember, and whenever I go to the ocean, I will do so with love, sweet memories, and flowers.

 

Link to Experience Camps

Link to Experience Camps blog Can We Please Stop Grief Shaming?

Link to Camp Manitou

 

https://experiencecamps.org/

https://experiencecamps.org/blog/can-we-please-stop-grief-shaming

https://campmanitou.mb.ca/

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Guide by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

 

Gathering

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When I was at a meeting this week, the leader said whenever people come together, every person is meant to be there. I immediately thought of the Grief and Happiness Alliance. All the people who attend, all the people who discover the Grief and Happiness Alliance, find us for a reason. We come together seeking comfort, support, love, and happiness, and all that happens, as well as making new friends.

Initially, we said we were holding meetings or classes, but that never felt quite right. Then Rev Rachel, the president of our nonprofit association suggested that when we come together to write about grief and happiness related topics, talk about what we write, and make new friends that we could call this coming together gatherings. We all agreed!

We formed the Grief and Happiness Alliance Nonprofit Organization to provide financial support for these gatherings because we believe that anyone dealing with grief doesn’t need to pay for the support we give. We consider this funding to be like a scholarship that we bestow to those who participate as an act of service and love to those who attend.

All we ask in return for this gift is for people to show up and make the most of every moment of our gatherings which is a beautiful gift of self-care. Magic happens when we commit to attending and making new friends, exploring our grief, and realizing we can be happy at the same time. I love to see all the smiles at the end of each gathering.

To those who are attending, we thank you for your participation.  To those who would like to attend, we welcome you. And to those of you who know people that could benefit from what we offer, we welcome them too. Please feel free to invite anyone you’d like to.

We meet Sundays at 9 AM Hawaii time, noon Pacific time and 3 Eastern time. Register each week to receive the Zoom link by clicking here.

Sign up for our newsletter to learn all we do by clicking here.

Visit our website by clicking here.

We look forward to seeing you at our gatherings.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Guide by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

Choose Your Guide

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Every Sunday the Grief and Happiness Alliance gathers on Zoom to write together and learn happiness practices. We write on different subjects every time, and when we share what we wrote about, we learn much from each other.

This week, I invited the participants to write a dialogue, a conversation with someone they would love to have a guide or mentor them through their grieving. Whoever they chose didn’t have to be living now. The range of people they chose revealed the distinctiveness of concerns the participants were dealing with.

One chose Maya Angelou because of her strength and tenacity in dealing with life. Ms. Angelou is a powerful storyteller who explores deep truths.  I was fortunate to be in her presence when I attended a conference where she was the speaker. I’ll never forget her powerful, resonant voice, which enlivened each word she uttered. Since that experience, whenever I read something she wrote, I hear her speaking the words in my mind and feel her power. I would love to have a conversation with her to hear her advice for me.

Another writer in our group chose Thich Naht Hanh, a Vietnamese Buddhist monk who is considered to be the “father of mindfulness.” With his gentle words, he explores concepts like loneliness, worrying, and peace with sage advice for anyone, yet we can apply that guidance to our grief experience now. Just thinking about his gentle spirit and tranquil smile brings me peace.

Others chose people like a favorite minister or a lifelong friend.  We were all seeking different types of guidance and comfort. I found myself in a conversation with my husband, Ron.  I asked him a question, and his words just poured out with consummate guidance that not only helped me right now but are guiding my next steps. When this happened, I realized I needed to contact him more often. Just as when we used to have our wonderful conversations on our lanai, we can still have them now. I just realized that the word for patio in Hawaiian is lanai, and the word for heaven is lani. So similar. Our very special place to spend time together is still here and is heavenly.

Who would you like to have as your guide or mentor as you deal with grief? You could have more than one. When you keep your heart open to inspiration, you discover your guidance is already there, waiting for you to notice it.

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance, which meets weekly on Sundays, by clicking here.

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Guide by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here