healthy coping mechanisms

My Ohana

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I never dreamed I would live in Hawaii. I had been a California girl all my life. My husband Ron and I had purchased a home that we loved in Ventura, and I thought it was our forever home. I was surprised when that idea changed. He lived on Maui many years before I met him and brought me to Maui on our honeymoon. Experiencing Maui through his eyes, I fell in love with it too.

Maui was always so green and there were tropical flowers everywhere. The beautiful beaches are all open to the public. The sands range from white, to red to black. The breezes are generally gentle, and the sunsets are astonishing. The people are warm and friendly, and the culture is respected and kind.

We visited Maui several times with chickens greeting us at the baggage claim at the airport. Because of Ron’s declining health, we spent lots of time in the car driving around to enjoy the beauty.  One time we saw an open house and decided to go in. We met a helpful realtor there and Ron immediately made a new friend. By the time we got back into the car, we were talking about moving to Maui.

Everything happened quickly and soon we were in our new home on the side of Haleakala where we could see two side of the island and had a very big yard filled with tropical plants and fruits: bananas, papayas, lilikoi, avocados and more. The clear blue skies and ever-changing clouds created a peaceful atmosphere along with the constant serenade of the tropical birds.

We were immediately surrounded by a new family of friends. Everyone seemed to know each other. Grownups referred to people they respect as auntie, uncle, or cousin, and children were keiki.  My across the street neighbor came to my house to help me unpack. I soon knew more neighbors than I ever had anyplace else I had lived. I learned that all these new friends were part of my new Ohana.

“The word Ohana comes from oha, which is the highly revered taro plant, and it signifies that all ohana come from the same root. No matter how distantly we are all related, we come from the same root and are therefore from the same family.” (Google) My new ohana had more variety than you would think would be in one family. We helped each other out and celebrated things together.

When Ron would be in the hospital, he always had visitors. When we were home, we always had anything we needed.  One friend would drop by and tell me to go the beach while she visited with Ron. Other friends came caroling at Christmas time. They all gathered for a big surprise birthday party at a restaurant Ron had planned for me from his hospital bed the week before he died. They surrounded us with so much love the week he was on hospice, and they are still there for me, as I am for them, now and always.

I wish an ohana for everyone. If you don’t have one now, I encourage you to build one. In life today it seems that we all get so busy that we don’t take time for what’s most important: interaction with others. The love, kindness, and caring shared in an ohana strengthens us in facing whatever challenges come our way and brings us happiness. Reach out and find a new friend today. I’d be honored to be part of your Ohana.

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Fear

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So many of us experience different levels of fear throughout our grieving. Initially, the fear of being alone or just missing our loved one is almost universal. As time goes on, many more fears can arise like fear of being able to pay the bills or fear of losing contact with our friends. Right now, in United states, many of us are having great fear of the changes our country is experiencing. So, what can we do about all this fear?

I heard a definition of fear that makes sense to me: “False Evidence Appearing Real.” In the case of the fear of being alone, what can you do about that? We may find ourselves cocooning by staying by ourselves, not answering the phone, the door, or the mail. When this happens, your friends may tire of trying to contact you, and they may stop trying. The solution to this is to start responding to their efforts. And if they have stopped, then it is time for you to respond to them. Invite them to go on a walk with you, or to have coffee, or just stop by for a visit. They are most likely with be happy to hear from you.

If you are concerned about your bills, please don’t ignore them. I didn’t realize that my mother had stopped paying her bills because her brain tumor had affected her capacity to realize she had bills to pay. This turned into a big mess. Fortunately, I did discover what was happening and was able to work things out. While your loved ones are able, check to see that they are taking care of their finances or if they need some help. And for you, be sure that someone you would like to help you knows where all your records are so they can help you. I was so glad that my Aunt let me know where all of her records were when she chose me to be her durable power of attorney for when the time came that was needed. Who would you like to do that for you? Be sure that person knows.

There are many things that can cause you to fear. The political situation in our country right now is a big concern. What you can do right now is pay attention to what is happening. If we ignore the changes that are happening, this could be dangerous. Instead of worrying or thinking there is nothing we can do, instead choose to be kind. Choose to be positive. Choose to not get sucked into the fear that is rising. Focus on your vision of the country and the world you would like to see. Then move forward in living your best life and helping where you can.

Making our living situation the best it can be is up to us. Release any fear you are feeling and focus on what is best for us all.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

The Healing Power of Nature

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Years ago, someone told me all about the benefits of grounding, and I’ve got to admit, I didn’t believe his story.  He claimed that attaching a wire to his bed sheets and running it outside through his window, then burying that wire in the ground ensured that he was sleeping better than he ever had been. I figured that was just the power of suggestion, so I didn’t try it.

Over the years, I have heard more about grounding, so I thought maybe there is something to it, though I still don’t want to hotwire my sheets!  What does sound interesting to me is the power of nature used in healing. Studies now say that walking with your bare feet in the grass or on the dirt every day will soothe a myriad of issues, especially pain, inflammation, anxiety, depression, fatigue, sleep disorders, and even cardiovascular issues.

While I am not sure that all these issues can be healed by a barefoot walk, I can see, and feel, the value of spending time in nature. I know how good it feels to wiggle my toes in fresh, green grass. I also enjoy the feeling of creating ceramic sculptures which is essentially playing in the mud. Inhaling the fresh fragrances of lavender and rosemary in my garden is so refreshing. Walking in the sand on the beach and stepping in to the shallow waves energizes me every time. Sitting outside with my eyes closed and facing the sun warms my eyelids and causes me to smile.

While it’s easy to go online and purchase lots of grounding equipment, stepping outside and taking a few deep breaths can be very effective, and you can enjoy the beauty of nature at the same time. I encourage you to practice great self-care every day by stepping outside.

The Life You Would Like

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I recently spent some time in bed while recovering from a procedure, and decided to find something on television that wouldn’t take up any head space. I randomly picked a series called Everwood, and I was immediately sucked into the story of a very famous neurosurgeon in Manhattan who, when his wife was killed in a car accident,  packed up his kids and moved to Everwood, Colorado. There he opened a family practice office through which he offered his services for free. The series, through my eyes, had much to do about grief and happiness.

In one episode, the surgeon was being interviewed by a reporter who was writing an article for a prominent publication about his story. He was hesitant in speaking because he hadn’t thought what he had done did was a big deal. The reporter was getting frustrated with the doctor’s hesitance to talk to him when he noticed a print of Norman Rockwell’s painting The Country Doctor hanging on the wall of the doctor’s living room. The reporter told the doctor of how Rockwell did not live in a place like the ones in his paintings.  He lived in an area of Manhattan that was considered dangerous, and he spent time on the roof of the building he was living in so he could be outside, yet he could hear gunshots, screaming, and foul language drifting up from angry people on the street below. When asked why he chose to paint what he did when he wasn’t seeing the idyllic settings and happy people who showed up in his paintings, Rockwell said, “I paint life as I would like it to be.”

I saved that quote to share with you because of all the smiles and pleasure Rockwell’s paintings have brought over the years despite him not living in those pleasant situations his paintings reflect. I saw how many of us who are grieving are sitting in the sadness of the surroundings we feel stuck in. What could happen for you if you started creating your surroundings as you “would like them to be”?

Have you changed where you live or changed how you have decorated where you live since your loss. Do you sit or walk outside every day? Do you go to beautiful places like parks, or gardens, or museums? Have you invited a friend to go to a concert, a movie, or a conversation over coffee?  Have you spent some time painting or drawing your own pictures, or have you started doing some creative activity you have always wanted to do? Have you traveled, or taken classes, or volunteered some place you feel strongly about? These things are, hopefully, some ideas to help you create the surroundings in your life in the way you would like them to be.

I encourage you to take some action based on any inspiration that comes to you as you read this blog. Live your best life by choosing what to create for yourself. Then do whatever that is!

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

 

Grief is a Constant Companion

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I was reading The Lost Bookshop by Evie Woods when I came across a quote that stuck with me: “Grief is a constant companion.” It led me to think about my loved ones who have gone before me. That’s not hard to do since I see reminders of them every day. I had a particular memory come to mind last night.

When I went to bed, the big, full moon filled the window shining brightly. When I see a full moon, I have a memory of Ron, so I smiled at the moon and told Ron hello. The night after he died, several friends who had come to be with him during his last week decided to go on a dinner cruise because our friend who had been barbecuing that week was singing on the cruise that night, and they insisted that I join them. I didn’t want to go, but it did turn out to be a lovely evening.

I sat by myself listening to the music and watching the moon rise. A glimmering trail on the water extended from the moon to the boat, seeming to beckon me to follow it to climb up into the moon to join Ron.  Now whenever I see a big full moon, I feel Ron’s presence. Last night, I awoke feeling like it was daytime because my room was filled with light. I checked my phone which said it was just after 1 AM. I glanced outside to see the full moon again. Ron was just checking in.

Ron’s not the only one. Last night I felt my mother as I was smelling the fragrance of her beef stew recipe I was fixing for dinner. I smile each time I hear an ambulance siren remembering how Dad and Mom and I ran Daddy’s small town ambulance company until I moved away for college. So many friends and family members have graced my life.  I cherish the experiences, support, memories, and love they have left with me. While grief is my constant companion, I choose to focus on the happiness we shared.

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Be the Reason Someone Smiles

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I drove through the line at Starbucks yesterday, a guilty pleasure I seldom treat myself to. I was looking forward to my order when I noticed a Barista smiling pleasantly at me from the big screen where I gave my order. I don’t know if she always smiles or if she was reflecting my smile to me. I do know that when I noticed her smile, my smile grew even bigger. I was still smiling when I saw a different Barista as I pulled up to the window to pick up my order. She had a big, beautiful smile too!  As I sat in the parking lot to drink my order, I don’t like to drink and drive, my latté seemed to taste better than usual.

I became conscious of my smile when I added the concept of happiness to all I do related to grief. I figured it would be hard to teach about happiness while not smiling. And I was right. On the occasion where I would be concentrating on what I wanted to say about happiness, I forgot to smile, and people didn’t smile at me and didn’t seem interested in what I had to say. I fixed this dilemma by reminding myself to smile each time I used the words “happy” or “happiness.” Smiling at these times enabled me to actually be happy. What a gift!

When I smiled generously to my audience as I taught, I found I was still smiling when my presentation was over.  I loved the feeling my smiles brought to me. So I have been smiling more now than I ever have, and it just keeps getting better. To feel better when you are grieving, start being mindful of your smiles. Increase the number and size of your smile, then notice how much better you feel!

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.