healthy coping mechanisms

Believe

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Did you know that there is so much you can do if you believe you can? So many times, we can sabotage the dreams we have by not believing in ourselves. This often happens while we are grieving because it may feel like our world is falling apart because nothing is the same. The good news is that you can change your situation when you believe you can.

This morning a dear friend told me that she decided she needed a bigger house. On the day she decided, she ran into a friend who had a bigger house to rent, so she easily found exactly what she needed. I’ve done that too. My husband and I bought three houses in the time we were together. For each one, we wrote a list of exactly what we wanted in detail, and within a week each time, we found exactly what we needed at a price we could afford. For two of those houses, we even made a huge profit on the sale of the house we had been living in.

Your belief can make things happen, but what you want won’t just fall into your lap. Your actions and words must be in alignment to ensure the outcome you desire. Let’s say you want to be an artist. First you must decide what kind of artist you want to be. Then you must learn how to master that technique. Then you must discover how to display your work so your intended audience can see it. Nothing is so simple as just saying you want something.

After my husband died, I had a friend who was persistent in asking me if I was dating, and I always said no. Finally, I thought there must be a reason she was doing this. I was hesitant because my husband who died was so wonderful, I didn’t think it was possible to find anyone else I would want to be with. To prove that to myself, I made a list of all the traits and accomplishments anybody I would go out with must have. The list was long and detailed. I finally went on Match.com, and I was right. Just about every person did not fill many items on my list, but one did. I was shocked as I checked off every item on my list, and he even had more items that were wonderful. I was so glad that I stopped being stubborn and allowed myself to find my new husband.

How would you design the life you want to live? What makes you feel good and happy? Take some time to explore in writing what, where, and how you want to be. Use specific details. As I sit on my lanai enjoying a cool breeze, the many bird songs, and the view of two sides on the island of Maui, I am grateful to believe in myself which allowed me to create the miraculous life I love.

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Grief and Happiness Handbook

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Ordinary Moments

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Often after a loved one dies, it’s the ordinary moments we miss the most.  I remember how my mother and sister loved to shop.  When I would be visiting with one or both of them, we almost always ended up shopping. What was different shopping with them was they rarely bought anything. I used to think that was a big waste of time until I realized, that was the way we spent time together and find things to talk about.

My father loved to take us all out to dinner. He loved to have and excuse to dine out and he loved to eat! When I brought my finance Jacques to meet my parents, we met at a restaurant. Jaques was nervous, so I told him if he wanted to impress my dad, he should pick up the check. He did, and he made a big impression because no one else in the family ever did that. My dad also loved to take my children to get ice cream whenever he had the opportunity to pick them up after school, but I think that was mostly because he loved ice cream!

Jacques and I used to love to listen to live music and we loved to dance together, so we would look for opportunities to do one or both of those.  Ron and I loved to sit outside as much as we could.  There were so many bird songs to listen to and well as amazing tropic al plants to enjoy. We also loved to watch the fantastic Maui sunset and enjoy that special golden hour.

When my friend’s mother died, she invited me to come to her mother’s house along with her sister so we could all make cookies together. Her family had the tradition of serving cookies after funerals, so we made lots of cookies and had great conversations.

Our lives are made up mostly of ordinary moments, and those moments can be what we miss the most when our loved ones aren’t here to share them with. What are your favorite ordinary moments? Who do you share them with?

How can you make your current ordinary moments extraordinary and memorable now?

 

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Grief and Happiness Handbook

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Adapt

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Jane Goodall wrote in The Book of Hope that for species to survive on earth they must adapt or they will parish. This applies to people just like every other species, and the hardest incidence of adaptation is how we react when facing grief.

I invite you to consider this. When a loved one dies, their absence is difficult to adapt to. One moment they are here, then they are gone. I have been with many people when they transitioned and have felt the profound shift when their bodies become still. Their physical body is there, but it no longer functions in any way.

The adapting comes as we learn to notice their physical absence. You can no longer feel the warmth of their hugs or the touch from their hands. They no longer sit at the dinner table with you. You can’t go for walks together. You can’t hear their voice. So how can you possibly adapt?

You may feel like your life stops when theirs did, but you are still here. Now is time for you to decide how you can live your best life. To adapt means you discover how to move forward. In doing so, you are not forgetting your loved ones. You simply shift to holding them always in your heart. That way they are always with you in whatever you do.

Adapt by focusing on the air your get to breathe, on the beauty you get to enjoy, and the lives of others you get to touch. Adapt by discovering what you can contribute to the world, how you can discover people who you love, and how you can serve others.

Choosing to live a full life, however you define that, allows you to move forward with love and joy every moment, every day. Your life is what you make it.

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Grief and Happiness Handbook

Grief and Happiness Cards

Grief and Happiness weekly Free Gatherings

[email protected]

Dream Builder Life Coach

Life Master Consultant

Rainbows in My Clouds

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In contemplating what is currently going on in my life, I remembered Maya Angelo saying, “I’ve had rainbows in my clouds,” and I see how that fits my life right now. For 2 months now I have been dealing with computer issues. I even bought a new computer, and I am having issues with both my old one and my new one. And as if that wasn’t a big enough cloud, I ended up in the hospital with serious blood pressure issues. And I must deal with the issue of getting tired on the new medication, but I am grateful that it keeps my blood pressure in control.

In speaking to my friend Sadie who lives in Italy, she sympathized with me and said “passo passo” which in Italian means essentially, “step by step.” I appreciate her wisdom. I realized I have been trying to fix or do everything, everywhere, all at once. Of course, that never works, so I committed to taking one step at a time to move forward. And that’s so much better than tripping myself up and falling while trying to juggle everything. I feel the relief already as I take a deep breath and move forward.

Does this sound like you sometimes? Getting bound up in a myriad of problems or issues is an easy pattern to fall into when grieving. When this occurs, look for that rainbow for inspiration. In my case, Sadie woke me up with what she said.  I realized I was going down that rabbit hole which only led to stress and frustration. Sadie revealed that rainbow I was seeking by reminding me to slow down and move forward one step at a time. This led to the clouds easily disappearing taking the weight of all the items on my to do list. I took a deep breath and figured out how to proceed in a manner that brings comfort rather than stress.

While grieving, always be gentle with yourself. All that is important will get done in time. Remember to take a deep breath, smile, and move forward with what is most important to you one step at a time.

 

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Grief and Happiness Handbook

Grief and Happiness Cards

Grief and Happiness weekly Free Gatherings

[email protected]

Dream Builder Life Coach

Life Master Consultant

Perfection

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We would all love to be perfect and do all we do perfectly. Practically, we also all know that’s not going to happen. I have spent hours working to make a chapter in a book I was writing perfect. I have also spent hours working on a ceramic sculpture or creating a painting, yet they always could be better in some way. Many of us strive to be perfect or to make perfect creations.

I spent years teaching writing at the university and always had writing assignments I had given to correct, and almost every submission had something to correct. I don’t know about you, but I do lots of different things, often when I’m short of time, and that often leads to errors. Everyone makes mistakes or could do a better job on anything they are doing. Now I don’t suggest being sloppy in what we do, but I would love to have the time back I have spent on my obsession to be perfect.

What does this have to do with grief? Have you spent time trying to figure out how to grieve? What does good grief look like? Have you wondered if you will ever feel better or if you will ever get over grieving? These are common feelings people have, so you are not alone. The good news is, grief is never perfect, so it isn’t a goal you need to strive for.

Take your time with your grieving. There is no rush. I know I will grieve for those I love for the rest of my life. They will always be in my heart, but as time goes on, the pain subsides and is replaced by the beautiful softness of the love you shared. There is no such thing as perfect grief. Grief is whatever you make it, and what you make it is up to you.

 

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Grief and Happiness Handbook

Grief and Happiness Cards

Grief and Happiness weekly Free Gatherings

[email protected]

Dream Builder Life Coach

Life Master Consultant

 

The Journey

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As we navigate through grief, we deal with a plethora of challenges.Many changes are beyond what we could have imagined. We may experience uncertainty and fear as we start to move forward. Yet with all this, much of what happens is not negative. The key to having the best outcome is to focus on what’s good.

Something that can pile up is all the paper work from sorting medical bills to contacting life insurance companies. There may be memberships to cancel and more. And there will be people to notify like family, friends, employers, and more. As all these things and more pile up, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed. 

As the to-do pile on the desk seems to grow on its own, instead of ignoring it, start working on it a bit at a time. Set a goal to work on it for a certain time, and when you reach the goal, reward yourself so you have something to look forward to. Try working for 15 minutes, then go for a walk or call a friend. Or sort your piles into priority levels, and anything that is a low priority for now, put away in a drawer so the pile won’t seem so big for now.

If you’ve been spending time in bed or just sitting in front of tv, set goals for yourself to get up and move. Call a neighbor to go for a walk with you. Or go window shopping at a new mall. Or go to a favorite bakery or food truck fora treat. Or you may get lost in a great book you have always wanted to read.

What all these things have in common is you are rewarding yourself for completing something you need to by celebrating.  What you do to celebrate isn’t as important as noticing that you are doing positive things that enhance your happiness.

What can you celebrate today?