grief

Your Beautiful Mind

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Everyone has a mind which acts like our closest friend.  Our mind talks to us more than anyone else we know, and it doesn’t always seem to be on our side. Offering advice is one of its favorite things to do. I know sometimes I will say something I don’t mean, and I can just see my mind in the background laughing and saying “See, I made you say that!”  When this happens, I realize that I have to be mindful of each word I speak.

In that early time alone after my husband died, my mind was especially active. Reflecting my feeling of being lost and not knowing what to do, my mind seemed especially agitated saying things like “You’re always going to be alone,” “You’re too sad to do anything,” “Or you don’t need to eat now. It’s too much trouble.”  Trying to consciously think about anything seemed too hard, so my mind would jump in to fill up all the emptiness.

Now when I hear people who are dealing with loss saying things like my mind was saying to me, I realize that those negative words aren’t coming from their hearts, and I see how their mind would love to take over and make them even more confused about what they are dealing with.

What can you do about this?  First, recognize what is happening.  When you are mindful, you can take control of your life.  To be mindful means to be conscious and aware. You focus on the present moment and communicate from there from your heart.  Do you remember times your mind took over and wasn’t acting in your best interests, and maybe you didn’t have the energy to disagree with it?  I remember my mind telling me I didn’t need to get out of bed, I didn’t need to talk to anyone, and I didn’t need to eat healthily.  Giving in to what it was telling me was easier than using my energy to talk back.

When you realize that your mind is keeping you confused, it’s time to take action. The first step is to realize that you are in control. You can make decisions about what is best for you. And your mind isn’t your enemy. It’s just doing what it knows how to do. The very best way to deal with this is to make friends with your mind.  I know this may sound silly, but most of what your mind is doing is trying to get your attention. Your attention is a precious gift. What you pay attention to guides all you do in life.

Let’s start with meditation. I hear people say they can’t just sit still and have their mind clear. Most people say this, and do you know who is telling them that?  You’re right, it’s their minds. Try sitting up straight in a chair with your feet on the floor. I like to meditate barefooted. Close your eyes and take a slow, deep breath. Is your mind talking to you? Reminding you that you don’t have time to sit around, or reminding you about that yummy chocolate cake calling to you from the kitchen?  When this happens, thank your mind. Tell your mind how much you appreciate how hard it is trying to help you. Tell your mind that it’s time for it to relax and take a break. Wish it well, then go back to your meditation.

This isn’t easy to do when you first get started, but the more you do it, the easier it becomes, and your mind can get some rest so that it is not so frenetic trying to guide your every move.

Try this.  Commit to living in each moment. The more you do this, the more your mind calms down.  You will gain a sense of peace and happiness. This is vital when you are dealing with loss.  When your mind starts to wander and tell you sad stories, say “Thanks for your input, but I’ve got this.” The more you do this, the more it becomes part of your life, and it’s so worth it!

People ask me how I can grieve and be happy at the same time, and I just smile and tell them that right now, right in this moment, my life is good, and I am grateful.  You can find this happiness, too.

Take a deep breath and smile.  You are on your way to that happiness that you can always tap in to, and it feels so good!

 

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

How Long Does it Take?

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August fourth five years ago Ron took his last breath. We had been together for ten years. In some ways that seems so long ago, while in others, it seems like yesterday. I don’t love him any less than I ever did, and I am sure that won’t change.

Last week I flew to California to attend Soul Sisters retreat. I went a few days early to visit some friends in Ventura who I hadn’t seen since the pandemic started. When I arrived, I was surprised to be so emotional. I was going to be staying with my friend Rose. She wasn’t home yet when I got there, so I sat outside to watch the sunset and the tears flowed. Ron and I lived there in what I thought was my forever home before we moved to Ventura.

I remembered how much I loved our home there, how beautiful we had made it, how close it was to the beach, and how we could walk to anyplace we wanted to. I also remembered how grateful I was that we lived so close to the hospital, and all the emergency trips we had to the ER to stabilize his heart enough to have more time.

While I was in Ventura last week, I went with Rose to an outdoor concert in the grassy park near the mission downtown where we heard powerful women play drums and sing in different languages while the audience danced a picnicked while I stood and stared at the nearby restaurant where Ron and I got married on 1/1/11. And of course, the tears flowed again.

I had planned to see lots of friends while I was there, and I just couldn’t in the fragile state I was experiencing. I do miss getting to see them, yet I realized this was a time I needed to take care of me. Leaving Rose’s warm support and love to go to the retreat was hard, but I did long to see my Soul Sisters.

When I drove down the beautiful coastal highway, the memories continued. When I arrived at Temescal Park, it was like going home. I had gone to the retreat for ten out of the last 12 years.  We had virtual retreats during the pandemic, but I missed two times to be with Ron as his health declined. Being there was the balm that I needed. Happiness, kindness, and love abounded. Everyone was so happy to be there, and Rickie Byars powerful music filled the air and our hearts. Deep, positive experiences continued throughout the weekend as we honored women of all ages, ethnicities, and backgrounds.

I have been surprised at how much the anniversary of Ron’s transition is affecting me, and I am deeply grateful for the love and support of my very special friends and chosen family.

Be sure to hold your grieving friends close as they experience various emotions as time goes on.  Their loved ones may have transitioned, but their love remains, and your support can make a huge difference.

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

 

Tender Tears

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We, individually, as a country, as our world, have so much to grieve right now. Every new tragedy seems to the compound the last one.  We all have a tendency to pay the most attention to what happens closest to us, but the reasons to grieve right now are piling up and are widespread throughout the world. And it’s not just grief. We are also angry, disappointed, frustrated, and even broken.

What can we do? Here are a few things to consider:

  • First, take care of yourself. I live a happy life in a beautiful place surrounded my wonderful people. I focus on the joy that comes from living this way. This helps, yet I still find that I shed tears when I hear about the horrific things going on. Tears are good and necessary to help in processing our feelings.
  • Many people are experiencing challenges. When your friends are affected, the first thing to do is love them and demonstrate that love by the actions that you do. What is one thing you can do right now to make a difference for a friend facing challenges? Start by doing whatever that one thing is.
  • Recognize what won’t work, then don’t spend your time worried about that. If you realize that you can’t change gun laws on your own, instead of bemoaning that, try taking active steps like contacting the people who represent you in the government encouraging them to take action by making new laws.
  • Talk to people you know. Chances are that people you care about are being affected by similar things like their children being afraid to go to school, or maybe there is a family in your neighborhood with political views opposite to most of the neighbors. Whatever the situation is, honest communication with no blaming is a great place to start.

While I continue to be affected by the unconscionable occurrences that are happening, I am also committed to living the best life I can and loving and supporting my friends, the people in my community, my country, and the world.

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

Download your copy of Awakening Your Happiness journaling guide here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

Everything is a Miracle

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Do you recognize when miracles occur in your life? I hadn’t considered this before, but once I started noticing miracles, I started noticing how I have experienced so many miracles though-out my life.

Miracles can be huge, and they also can be very small. You may not have thought about this before, but chances are you are experiencing miracles too, and you have been all along but may not have been aware when they happened. As I look back, I remember the miracle of getting accepted at the last minute to San Diego State University. I see this as a miracle because I had a major health challenge in high school and was barely able to graduate with a grade point average that normally wouldn’t have qualified.

My husband and I bought our first house together in 2009 at a great price because of the financial crisis in our country. A year later, my elderly mother-in-law needed to move in with us, and our home was comfortable for just two people. We decided to sell it and buy another. Our real estate agent warned us we would be losing money because of the financial crisis.  We sold the house that we had only owned for a year at a significant profit a week after we listed it, and we bought another, much bigger home in a wonderful location for $200,000 lest than it was listed for. I know we were blessed with this miracle because we welcomed my mother-in-law to live with us.

Recently when I was driving on a divided highway, a truck crossed the center divider headed directly headed at the driver’s door at high speed. When I saw him coming toward me, I closed my eyes thinking there was no way I could survive this. I heard and felt the thump as he hit my car. I was shocked when I opened my eyes and saw that my car was not destroyed, only three thousand dollars’ worth of damage that his insurance covered. And he didn’t hit anyone else as he continued speeding head on into traffic until he could pull off to the side of the road. The witnesses were shocked that the driver, my son, and I weren’t killed. I know this was a miracle.

Just last week in the middle of the night we were experiencing a big windstorm. We have power lines that go across our property and into the tree of my friend’s house across the road. The wind snapped the power lines which set the trees on fire as the wires dropped to the ground. This could have been a catastrophe. Instead, our homes didn’t catch on fire, no one was injured, and the power company came out the next day and did a nice trimming on what was left of the trees. Everyone affected by this are so grateful for this miracle.

Beyond the many big miracles I experience, I experience little miracles every day. I almost always get right to the front of any line I am in, and I always find parking places easily.  I also get where I am going at the time that I plan to.  Every day I now notice the miracles I experience, and I am grateful.

The title of this blog is a quote by Albert Einstein: “Everything is a Miracle.”

Notice and enjoy all your miracles!

Everything is a Miracle

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Your Relationship With Money

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When dealing with the transition of a loved one, especially someone you had money in common with, finances can be a challenge.  For me this came up with both of my husbands, and also my Mother and my Aunt who I had conservatorship of. With my husbands there was much I had to do with bank accounts, credit cards, investments, medical expenses, taxes, and funeral expenses.

Fortunately, I had shared all of our financial matters with my husbands. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the opportunity to know about my mother’s or my aunt’s finances. My mother and my aunt both were diagnosed with inoperable brain tumors. I didn’t see this coming in either case, so I didn’t get to ask them what they wanted me to do with their finances before it was too late.

What helped me the most was my relationship with money. Much of my life money caused anxiety for me for a variety of reasons. I knew I could do better.  A friend recommended the Book The Soul of Money by Lynn Twist to me.  Reading that book allowed me to change my whole perspective on money so that I haven’t stressed about it since, and I have more money and donate more money than I ever thought possible. I highly recommend you read this book too.

Lynn Twist was the fund-raiser for the World Hunger Project and is the co-founder for the Pachamama Alliance which empowers indigenous people of the Amazon rainforest to preserves their land and culture. She has a rich background in service to others and working internationally with people from Mother Teresa to corporate executives. She developed her own philosophy on what money is and believes it is a gift she has been given to pass on to others, and she does just that.

This is Lynn’s description of her Book: “This book is about living consciously, fully, and joyfully in our relationship with money, and learning to understand and embrace its flow. This is your opportunity to embark on a rare journey, one that aligns money and soul, to transform your life.”

I feel so strongly about this book and the invaluable lessons I learned which totally changed my relationship with money. I now love money, I love what it can facilitate, I love being generous and philanthropic, and I have no financial worries anymore.  Of course, I had to do much more than just read the book, but the book helped me transform my thinking about money forever.

And I feel so strongly about this that I will send the book to the first five people who email to tell me they would like a copy. I love to pay it forward by sharing this book.

And if you have read it, please let me know and tell me how it affected you!

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

The Value of Tears

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Every Sunday the Grief and Happiness Alliance meets on Zoom to write, do happiness practices, and make friends. Last Sunday we wrote about tears. Rev Rachel Hollander, who is the President of  The Grief and Happiness Alliance Nonprofit Organization, wrote this piece that touched me, so I asked if I could share it as the blog for this week. How do tears serve you as you deal with grief?

 

The Value of Tears

By Rev. Rachel Hollander

 

When I need a good cry, I watch one of two (or both!) movies.

Magnolia (1999) and The Wizard of Oz (1939).

Other movies and t.v. shows can bring tears as well, of course.

These two are my absolute go-to’s, though, when I feel like I just want to have a deep, cleansing cry.

Magnolia, for a few reasons. Aside from the film itself (which is magnificent), it is because the memory of my first viewing of it is tied directly to my Jimmy. He brought me to that movie, after he had already seen it, and he sat behind me to “watch me watch it.” And then he sat with me after it was over for the 45 minutes I stayed in my seat and sobbed.

The movie will be forever linked to him. And to us.

Among the many parts of the film that break me open, there’s a particular moment that happens near the end….William H Macy’s character has failed to get the attention of the one he loves, he has failed in his attempt to rob his bosses, and he has literally fallen from grace, smashing his face on the pavement.

Broken and bleeding and finally yielding to tears, he says, “I really do have love to give. I just don’t know where to put it.”

This moment brings me to my knees. Every single time.

With The Wizard of Oz, the tears are tied to childhood, to memory, to what has been lost, to my own Life Pilgrimage. As well as is being so beautifully perfect.

From the opening message that reminds us that the movie is dedicated to “the young at heart,” the tears begin to flow.

And in the final moments when Dorothy tells Toto, “Well, anyway Toto, we’re home. Home.”

I have never watched this movie without sobbing.

Generally, I find crying to be healing. And absolutely necessary.

If I don’t cry on a regular basis, I notice that I will get headaches and I become cranky with the world.

Songs and music (with and without words) are also useful for this kind of release.

It’s what I would describe as: Delicious pain.

 

 

We would be happy for you to come write with us on Sundays too. No charge as the Grief and Happiness Alliance Nonprofit Organizations exisits to serve people who are dealing with grief and loss by dunding our activities.  You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.