grief

Cocooning

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Cocooning is a time that all you can do is maybe sit at home in front of a fire, and that is OK. If you don’t want to go somewhere, don’t.  Be easy on yourself now because grief is unpredictable.

A few months before Ron transitioned, we were sitting on our lanai, Hawaiian for deck, in our beautiful back yard. We live on the side of Haleakala, a dormant volcano, that gently slopes down our yard vibrant with avocado, ficus, banana, and papaya trees and much tropical foliage including giant hibiscus and lilikoi plants. We frequently witnessed rainbows from this perch which appeared to be lower than we were allowing us to think that we lived romantically over the rainbow. Enjoying the gentle Trade Winds, orange and black butterflies were plentiful and would actually land on Ron as though they were attracted to him. He told me that there would come a time that every time I saw a butterfly or a rainbow or smelled the smoke of a cigar, which he relished every day, that I would know that he was near.

A few months after he was gone, I was feeling in a vacuum where time seemed to be standing still and I couldn’t connect with the world. Before I started being with Ron constantly because of his health, I loved doing ceramics. When we moved to Maui, he had a perfect studio built for me in our yard, but I couldn’t seem to go there to create.  I felt blank. I decided I had to do something, so I signed up for a ceramics class at the Hui No’eau art center in Makawao. The translation of Hui No’eau is “people coming together for a common purpose” for the development of artistic skill and the wisdom which derives from that expression.” This sounded to me like the perfect place to open my path to healing. When driving to class, I was surrounded by butterflies.  I have never seen so many butterflies in the same place. They floated around my car for literally miles, and unlike before when I have had butterflies or moths come to their ends against my car window or grill, not one stuck to the car. And of course, that week there were rainbows too.

This experience made me realize that what I had been doing was cocooning. We have a big Brugmansia plant in our yard which the common name for is Angel’s Trumpet. I had noticed that it had been covered with caterpillars that were yellow and black. I found it ironic that the butterflies which were also in my yard, had been created from the caterpillars eating the Angel’s Trumpet vines. I looked this process up, and it was different from what I had been told in school years ago.   What really happens is that the caterpillar sheds its skin and a protective shell called a chrysalis is formed.  Then everything inside the chrysalis turns into liquid that is similar to human stem cells. From this comes what are called imaginal cells which sounds to me like the imagination where new things come from.  Though there is no structural similarity between the caterpillar and the butterfly, these cells transform into beautiful butterflies.

I remember in one of Ron’s sermons he told the story of a person who noticed a chrysalis moving. That person assumes that the butterfly was working to emerge, so he decided to help.  But the process of breaking out of the chrysalis is crucial to building the strength of the butterfly so it can survive, and by the person helping this process along, the butterfly that emerged died. This made me think of my grief process.

For several months after Ron’s transition, I felt like that goo that forms during the transformation from the caterpillar to the butterfly. I felt like it was too hard to think, to eat, to walk, to read, or really to do anything. During this time, I recorded and watched many silly romantic movies I didn’t have to think about.  The plots were formulaic, and there was always a happy ending. The movies were actually just background noise.  If I stayed in silence or tried to listen to music, my monkey mind would run wild. The movies dulled the pain.  I could lie in bed and actually felt like I was being held. I see now that was like my own chrysalis, and that I had to go through this process to help me adjust or transition to my new life.

Everybody will experience this transition in their grieving process in their own ways. This is the time where you prepare for or develop the skills that will help you move forward. For some, this gestation is relatively brief. Others take a long time. The key is to recognize this is normal and to do what you need to so that you can take care of yourself. I would sit on my lanai or soak in my bathtub without putting any restrictions on me. This may be a time where you resist the change that you have been forced into. Everything can’t help but be different without your loved one in your life.  This was not something you can plan for or escape. Releasing into the process will ultimately help bring you peace and allow your butterfly to emerge. This is the time that your transformation occurs.

You will think new thoughts and do things differently than you ever have before. Know this is OK. As much as you would like to go on the way things were before, you can’t. Take this time to explore what to do now, and be patient with yourself.  This isn’t a time for a quick fix or a magical solution. Your grief does not disappear, but you will become used to it. You will assimilate it into your life so that it changes from being all encompassing to being a natural part of you. As you shed your old skin, you can shed your old habits that no longer serve you. You can grow and develop your new, beautiful, powerful wings.

Many refer to death as a transition, but you are going through a transition, too, and it may feel like you are dying. Actually, the old you is dying. The new you will have different hopes and dreams and desires. You may have the tendency to fight this transition as you would fight death if you are not ready, but that will only prolong the process. The most important part of the journey Ron and I shared was to commit to living in the moment. We dealt with any symptom that came up when it came up. We did not worry in advance about what would be happening next. And actually, I didn’t realize that he was really dying.  Our moments were so precious, sharing our love, having long wonderful talks or just sitting in silence enjoying the beauty of our surroundings.  His birthday was about a month before he left, and he was given the book Death of a King by Tavis Smiley which was the story of Martin Luther King’s last year. He wanted to read it, but he discovered that reading was difficult for him, so I read the entire book to him out loud.  Those are cherished moments. Time stood still as we were immersed in the greatness of this man. Having this experience helped me to stay in the moment as I was going through this cocooning process.  All I dealt with was how I was feeling or what was happening to me at that time, right then.  And living in the moment has allowed me to move forward one moment at a time.

Right now, think about what you can do that feels best to you. You may like to have a cup of tea, go for a walk, read a book, record and watch silly romance movies. Whatever it is, do it. Don’t judge yourself or your desires. I found myself putting together puzzles or playing Sudoku. The process of keeping occupied allowed me to not just sit and cry, although there is nothing wrong with that. Tears are cleansing, and I have certainly cried until my eyes feel dry. The key in not living in fear which is the opposite of love. Right now, love yourself. Fearing being alone or fearing your future does not serve you. Loving yourself unconditionally will always serve you.

This is the time to seek out a friend who has been through this process. Your friend may have experienced a different kind of loss, but everyone who grieves does go through a process of some form of cocooning. You may have lost a husband, while your friend has lost a mother. It doesn’t matter.  What matters is that you can support each other. I noticed that during this time after the deaths of both my husbands, friends mostly kept their distance. I assume that they didn’t know what to say or did not want to be dragged down into my despair. And I didn’t seem to be able to reach out to my friends. If the experience is similar for you, this may be the time you’d like to seek counseling. There are many counselors out there that specialize in grief, but I suggest you go to one who has actually experienced loss. The common experience can make all the difference in how helpful a counselor can be.

Cocooning can be so hard on your body and soul. Be aware of this, and take care of yourself during the process. Be sure to rest, to eat, and to exercise. And in the words of Dr. Alan B. Wolfelt, “Feelings have one ambition, to be felt.” So, feel what you feel. Love who you love. Grieve how you grieve. But most of all, be gentle with you.

Happy May Day!

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Happy May Day! I remember as a child creating little paper baskets that I could put flowers in. I filled them with roses from our garden and hung them on my neighbors’ doorknobs. I always dreamed of dancing around a maypole with flowers in my hair grasping a ribbon attached to the top of the pole. And I heard that May Day was celebrated with cake, so I was always looking for one that never seemed to appea r. I think I’ll bake my own cake today!

May Day is a Northern Hemisphere celebration supposedly to welcome summer, though summer doesn’t officially start till June 21. I plan to celebrate anyway. I choose to go for a walk and pay attention to all the lovely flowers blooming now. If you have flowers you can pick from your garden, I encourage you to share some to celebrate with your loved ones. We don’t really need to have a certain day set aside to celebrate. I see the value of celebrating every day that I am alive, that I can do something significant to help others, and that I can breathe and enjoy this wonderful world! I feel all my loved ones who have transitioned smiling and me today and sending lots of love!

I am happy to wish you Happy May Day and hope that you will pass this greeting along with a great, big smile!

Spring Up!

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Easter for me has always reminded me of a fresh start. That after a time of stillness, it’s time to begin again. In my heart I know that I am whole, complete, and perfect, and I know that making the best of each moment is my goal.

I remember wonderful times growing up where the family gathered with tons of food, especially ham and potato salad. We’d eat outdoors and wild flowers blanketed the hillside. Mom taught me the names of all the different wild flowers. I especially loved lupine and poppies. 

Now missing all that family, I will remember them and start my own new tradition of a little beach picnic that must include potato salad and flowers. I will bring to mind each of those loved ones with sweet memories and in their honor, plan my fresh start blossoming more each day, opening up to more light, more, love, more joy. I wish this for you, too!

I have created a new, Closed Facebook group just for my followers to share about reclaiming their joy after loss. I will be posting ideas to support you on your journey. Go to this link to join:  http://facebook.com/groups/ReclaimingYourJoyAfterLoss

Life is like Water

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Water has been on my mind lately. We’ve had more rain in the last month on Maui than I think we’ve had in the three and a half years I have lived here. Everything is wet, so wet that it’s mushy. If you stand on the grass, you will sink, feeling a little like shallow quicksand.  Yet everything is so beautiful, a verdant green bursting with life. And the water is flowing, like in the ditch on the side of our property where is flows like a stream with water running down from Haleakala’s top where snow is melting.

This is such a stark contrast to where we were living in Ventura before we moved here that everything was so dry with the ongoing drought that we were encouraged to pull out our lawns and replace them with succulents that needed little water, or even cover our front yards with rocks. And with all that dryness came devastating fires. So please don’t think I am complaining about the lovely rain we are having.

I am grateful to live where our water is safe to drink because it is rainwater naturally filtered through underground, porous volcanic rock. So we’re blessed with this pure, clean water. And it is so pure and clean because it keeps moving. When water doesn’t move, where it accumulates in puddles or ponds, it becomes stagnant, it smells, and it can be full of unhealthy elements.

What does all this have to do with grieving? Many times when people grieve, they get stuck. Doing what they need to so they can be healthy is just too hard. They sit and can’t seem to make an effort to get up, to move around or go out for a walk, let alone go to the gym or to participate in a healthy activity. When this happens, they become stagnant. This can lead to lack of energy and health problems, which leads to more to be sad about. And it’s not unusual to not drink enough when they feel this way. This can lead to dehydration, which can show up as bad breath, a sticky mouth, dry skin, fever, and lots more symptoms like urinary tract infections. You may not even realize you are thirsty.

When you are well hydrated, you look better, you feel better, and you are healthier. Just as the comparison between land affected by drought as opposed to where there is plenty of rain, the difference is so obvious. When grieving, self-care is vital, and one of the easiest things you can do to feel better is to get plenty of water to drink, water, not sodas and juice. Have some herbal tea, or squeeze some lemon into a class of ice water. The simplest thing like drinking water can make an amazing difference  in how you feel.

I raise a toast to you of lovely lemon water. Please virtually clink my glass and have a drink of your own!

The Great, Great Gift

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In Facebook yesterday, Kelly’s Treehouse posted:  “If you know someone who has lost a very important person in their life and you’re afraid to mention them because you might make them sad by reminding them that they died—you’re not reminding them, they didn’t forget that they died. What you are reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that is a great, great gift.”

I loved Kelly’s sentiment and thought my Grief Transformation Tribe would like to see this thought, so I shared the post not thinking of me. But much to my delight, I heard back from people! Vickie Christy-Stricklind said:“Roger and I were sharing a story about Jacques a few days ago.” This reminded me of many memories of Jacques and how he loved performing and hanging out with the theatre crowd, and it made me smile.

Karyn Shaudis said: “I remember the last time I saw Ron. He was standing in front of Trader Joe’s. He was talking on his cell phone and looking fine with his big smile he tipped his hat to me. I can still see him there each time I pull into that lot.” I could picture that so clearly. Ron was always on his phone, and he had a big beautiful smile, and that tipping of his hat was so him! Rev Ron performed Karyn and Jim’s wedding ceremony, and thinking of that and the other weddings Ron did, especially Isabel and Gina, brought me joy. He was serious about love and loving and making sure people were really in love when they got married. I know we were.

So this holiday season, think of how happy you can make someone you know by sending them a remembrance of someone they loved who died. Remember they lived. Remember their joy. And remember the joy they brought to you. This great, great gift may bring a few tears, but those tears of the memory of joy are so sweet!

You Wish!

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Do you ever think about how you wish your life was different? How you wish you were more in control of your life? I used to do just that. I would add more junk mail to the pile that I know I’d get around to reading later. I would climb back into the bed because it wasn’t made anyway and it looked so inviting. I would eat one more serving of what I made for dinner because then I wouldn’t have to put it away. I would skip flossing my teeth because I could always do it tomorrow. Does any of this sound familiar? If it does, you can fix it!

 

How would you like your life to be different? Make a list of what you would really like. Then look at that list one item at a time. Let’s say you always feel tired and never get enough sleep or you get too much. You have identified a problem you have, and you know your life would be ever so much better if you could solve it. So the answer is, develop a new habit. You may go to bed at irregular hours, or got to bed too early or too late. You may watch TV, play games on your phone, or read until late into the night. Then when you get up, you are tired, so you don’t make the bed, and later that open bed looks so inviting that you climb back in for a short nap that may not be so short.

 

When you decide you really want more energy, decide to start a new habit. Set a specific time you want to go to bed by every night then do it. No excuses. Do it without your tv, your phone, your light, or your book. Meditate and practice conscious breathing. Instead of counting sheep, count things you are grateful for, and go to sleep. This may see hard at first, but as you cultivate the habit, it will become easier every night. Then every morning as soon as you get up, let the first thing you do be to make your bed. You won’t want to mess up that neat bed by day sleeping, and that will make it easier for your to fall asleep at night. If you get tired in the day, find a peaceful place to sit up straight, close your eyes and meditate. When your meditation is finished, you will feel refreshed and ready to go on about your day.

 

When you have one new habit established, decide the next thing you want to tackle. Throw out your junk mail before you add it to a pile. Serve yourself a reasonable portion of food and put the rest away before you eat so you won’t be tempted to overeat. Floss your teeth every time you brush (it really doesn’t take that much time!)

 

What would make your life better? What would make you happier? What would make you feel more in control? Choose what new habits you can start to make things better and start them. Some habits have a bad reputation of not being good for you so you may avoid all habits, but you don’t have to. Good habits can bring you the peace you desire. They can help you keep your surroundings in order. And they can make you happy. Just imagine how good it will feel every day to start out with your bed made, your teeth clean, and your clutter in the trash. And think how good it will feel to identify what your challenges are and figure out what kind of a habit you can create to eliminate those challenges so that you don’t even have to think about them anymore.

 

So get started, now! What are you going to do to rock your world?