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Telling Our Stories

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We tell stories all the time. Sometimes we share them with others. Other times we keep them to ourselves. What often we don’t realize is that those stories we create shape our lives. Sometimes our stories come from what others say about us that we listen to and incorporate into our lives as they become our stories. Sometimes we make up stories that we think others are saying about us, and those stories can become part of our stories if we allow them to.

After my husband died, I heard very little from friends I had before he became so ill. Since I wasn’t hearing from them, I started considering what they must be saying about me. None of what I made up was positive. I thought they must be saying things like: “She needs space to grieve, so I won’t bother her,” Or “I don’t want to invite her to my party because she would be a wet blanket.” Or “I don’t see her anymore, so she must have new friends.” These stories that others create may have a bit of truth in them, but they certainly weren’t my story, and I didn’t even know if any of these stories were actually told about me.

All that alone time gave me space to consider my new life. I thought about what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go, who I was becoming. I finally reached out to a few friends, but they didn’t call me back. Then I called a friend whose husband died not long before mine did. I realized that I hadn’t called her because I wasn’t sure what I should say to her under the circumstances. I am so glad I called her!  She told me to get out of my house, do something fun, and just breathe. She invited me to a Patti LaBelle concert, and I accepted. That was my turning point,

After the concert, I knew I had to make some changes. In the story that I had been writing about me, I was considering everything that had been happening “to” me. I would never move forward if I was stuck in that thinking. The changes I could make would happen “for” me instead of “to” me. I started reading positive books I was inspired by. I took a quilting class that was at a delightful store I could walk to where I had enjoyed browsing before, and now I had a reason to buy their fabric. I found myself opening to the world around me in so many ways, and that felt good.

The story I tell now is that I can do and experience anything I desire. Though what I am choosing to do is for me, I am creating things “through” me now too in the service of others, and this allows me to live my best life by writing my own story.

What is your story? Are things happening to you, for you, or through you? Try writing your present story and see where it takes you.

 

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To Be

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We all probably have some form of a to do list. I have an app on my phone so that I can be sure to get everything done.  I’ve developed so many sub-lists to the main list that it’s probably impossible to get everything done that I have written there, but I sure would like to!

Where do you store your “To DO” list? I have tried thinking “I’ll remember that” when something comes up that is important for me to complete, yet often I don’t remember it beyond that initial thought. I can easily slide into frustration thinking I will never get all those things on my list done.

I am trying something different now inspired by William Shaksepeare’s Hamlet who said “To be, or not to be. That is the question.”  I am not contemplating suicide like Hamlet was in the speech, but I do like the concept of “To be.”  I now add moments of “being” into my daily schedule. I’ll sit on my lanai and listen to the birds and enjoy the flowers. I’ll take a walk in my neighborhood or at the beach. I’ll call or write a friend, or I may even get out my watercolor’s and paint a picture just for fun.

“Being” is an essential part of life. When we spend every waking minute occupied by chores, errands, our jobs, or other things people expect of us or we expect of ourselves, we end up with no time for us to look up and notice a rainbow, do a little dance in the kitchen when a favorite song comes on the radio, or to step outside and take a deep breath of fresh air.

My mentor Mary Morrissey says to “Notice what you are noticing.” When you do that, you can take advantage of life’s little bonuses like getting to pick a fresh juicy orange off the tree and eat it with the juice dripping down from your hands. Or enjoy the many colors in the autumn leaves as they fall.

Take some time today day, actually, take some time every day to just be, just breathe, just enjoy. Notice all the love and beauty your get to experience.

 

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Be the Light

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We’ve all known someone like Debbie Downer of Saturday Night Live. She’s the person you walk the other way from when she starts walking toward you. Everything about her is negative. When she wants to tell you a story, it’s always sad. I can recall a time when I was Debbie Downer. It seemed like everything in my life was miserable. My husband was always ill, sometimes critically. I felt like there was nothing positive in my life, and I didn’t even have the energy to smile.

Being chronically sad was a tough place to be. After my husband died, I realized how negatively I had been acting. I didn’t like that, and I could see that my actions repelled people who didn’t want to join me under the dark cloud where I was always standing. I realized change required leaving the darkness behind and moving toward the light.  I had to be the light.

Old habits aren’t easy to break. I had been displaying my sad face for so long, I had to teach myself to smile again. I kept on the lookout for reasons to smile. I love to go on walks, and I like to take pictures of flowers and nature. I made a conscious effort to smile at all the flowers and rainbows. We have so many rainbows in Hawaii. The more I smiled, the better I felt about smiling, so I started smiling at people too. Seeing people smile back was almost like a big hug.

I knew I could break my heart open by finding moments of joy in everything I did or saw, so I started searching for those moments, and it turned out to be a delightful challenge. The happier I allowed myself to be, the less I had to try.  I would gravitate toward smiling, happy people, and they would smile back!

Now I often say that I am happier than I ever have been, and that feels so good! Being deeply happy is well worth the effort. Smile!

 

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What Do You See?

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Walter Cronkite and Jonathan Ward created the Great Books television series in 1993. On each episode, they chose a significant book and told the historic and literary significance of the book in a one-hour episode. Narrated by Donald Sutherland, they included interviews with historians and scholars, and they had actors create scenes from the book to illustrate the story. They filmed the episode for the Grapes of Wrath, written by John Steinbeck, in Kern County, California, where I lived at the time. I was hired to provide the costumes, so I went on location while they were filming.

One morning before dawn we drove up into the foothills where they would film the actors standing on the edge of a cliff next to their very beat up car with mattresses and furniture tied on to the top, looking out at the verdant fields in the distance. They pointed and exclaimed at the beauty as the sun rose. When the signal was given for the cameras to stop, the actors all started to laugh and called us over to see their view. In the distance, the scene was beautiful, but if you looked straight down over the cliff, appliances, mattresses, and garbage bags had been dumped into a huge mess, not beautiful at all. Of course, all that mess wouldn’t be in the episode, but to the people who were there that morning, the metaphor always remains. While the characters were seeking relief from the mountains of dust and piles of discarded possessions, they traveled all that way to find more garbage in a place that was naturally beautiful but not appreciated.

New Thought leader Mary Morrisy often says, “Notice what you are noticing.”  What we notice influences our thoughts and what we believe. We can seek out positive things or negative ones.  I live on the tropical island of Maui in Hawaii. When people visit here they may notice the pristine beaches, the multitude of waterfalls, the sunrises from the top of Haleakala, the volcano, and the cultural wonders at a luau. And/or, on your way to luxury hotels, you can drive by the decimation of the town of Lahaina where over 2,200 structures, including homes and business, were destroyed and over 100 lives were lost. If you are the traveler, you can choose to just see the beauty or the tragedy. Or you can see both extremes. While they have started to rebuild, it is going to take a long time. You can choose to contribute to the much-needed economy of the island which is funded by tourism, or you can choose to volunteer at places that serve the people and animals still devastated by the fire. When you notice what you are observing, you can make a difference.

What are you noticing now where you live? Have you noticed a rise in homelessness? Are people around you food insecure? Are the schools in your area in need of supplies or volunteers? Are the yards in your neighborhood now brown and crackling rather than the luscious green they used to be? Have you noticed a lack of services available for people who are grieving? The key here is to pay attention to what surrounds you. People who are grieving may isolate and fail to connect with others. This could be happening to you or to other people you know. When you notice things like this happening, spend some time contemplating how you can do something that will help.

One time when my husband was in and out of the hospital for a prolonged time, a group of friends came over one Saturday and cleaned up my yard, something I hadn’t been able to keep up with. Another day a neighbor who I didn’t know came to my door and said she was on her way to the grocery store and could she pick anything up for me. That was before there were delivery services and my cupboards were close to bare, so I was grateful!  Look around you. What do you notice? Maybe you could go on a walk with someone you have noticed hasn’t been outside much. Maybe you could give someone a ride to an appointment. Maybe you could walk a neighbor’s dog when you go for a walk.

Also, notice what you need. Self-care is essential while grieving. Maybe you could use a hot bath. Maybe you could get lost in a good book or watch a movie you have been wanting to see.  Maybe you notice you are losing or gaining weight. Try keeping track of what you are eating and commit to making healthier choices. After my husband died I told my doctor that I had been having frequent headaches. His first question to me was to ask if I had been drinking water. I realized I hadn’t been, and when I started drinking a healthy amount of water, my headaches disappeared.

The key here is to pay attention to you, your health, your surroundings, your family and friends. Notice what you are noticing and choose what to do. You can make a positive difference for you and those around you. And you can enjoy the process.

 

 

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Emily Thiroux Threatt Grief and Happiness email

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Excuses

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When anyone asks me what the most important thing to do while grieving is, I always respond “Self-care.” Generally, taking good care of ourselves while we are focused on the barrage of things that hit us during grief is the last thing we have on our minds. And if we do think of it, excuses on why not to pay attention to our personal needs often block our way. We turn to excuses like “I am too tired,” “I don’t have the energy,” or even “I just don’t care.” All these responses don’t serve us and just make the situation worse. The good news is by eliminating excuses for not doing what would help you feel better, you can start feeling better.

If you are saying “I’m too tired,” ask yourself if you really are tired. If you really are tired, take a nap or cuddle up in a cozy chair and read a good book. Grieving takes lots of energy, and resting may be just what you need.

If you are saying “I don’t have the energy,” ask yourself why you don’t have the energy. Ironically, the less you do, the more out of energy you can feel. When you feel your energy drain, try going for a walk, or doing some laundry, or clean out a drawer you’ve been meaning to.  Doing things like this may inspire you to do other things you might enjoy like picking some flowers, baking some cookies, or watching a movie you’ve wanted to see. Doing what you love to do can generate more energy.

If you are saying “I just don’t care,” pay attention to that. Caring for yourself is so important, and that’s something only you can do. What would you love to do that could help you shift your focus? If you really don’t care, you may be slipping into depression.  If that is the case, make an appointment with your doctor or a counselor. Help is available.

Pay attention to what you say. Excuses never serve you. If you find yourself trying to justify  what you are saying and what you aren’t doing, try restating your thoughts to take them in a more positive direction.

Eliminating excuses from your life can make room for more happiness. Enjoy!

 

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Hugs

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When I was a little girl, I loved going to visit my grandmother because she gave me such sweet hugs. She always smelled like her carnation toilet water, and her soft, strong arms made me feel loved and secure. However, she was my only source for hugs. I did not see other people hugging. My parents held hands, but I didn’t see them hugging. The only time I remember my mother hugging me was when I was distraught over the miscarriage I had.

I finally started giving and receiving hugs from my husband Jacques’s Italian family. I felt a part of his family with all those hugs and kisses on my cheek. They didn’t have to know someone to greet them with a hug and a smile. What a wonderful feeling. I still am challenged in initiating a hug, but I definitely hug back when someone hugs me. And I feel the benefits of sharing hugs.

“Virginia Satir, a world-renowned family therapist, is famous for saying ’We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.’” That sounds so wonderful, yet when we are grieving, often no one is there to share a hug with. I have taught myself to reach out to people when they are sad. I start with something not as intimate as a hug, like sitting next to them, putting my hand on their shoulder, or holding their hand. You can feel the positive energy flowing between you.

Research indicates that there are many benefits from hugging, like:

  • Protecting your heart
  • Reducing your stress
  • Increasing your happiness
  • Enhancing your relationships
  • Promoting better sleep
  • Improving your mood and relationships
  • And many more

How do you feel when you give or get a hug?  Human touch is a vital part of being alive, and touching animals is also beneficial. I love when my neighbor brings her dog to visit me. He loves to be petted, and I love to pet him.  I don’t remember the last time I was around a cat until last week.  I visited a friend and her big, soft cat climbed on to my lap and started to purr. That felt so good.

Find a way to include more touch and hugs into your life. I know it will make you feel better.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Emily Thiroux Threatt email is [email protected]

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