Writing

Bereavement Leave

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Usually, I don’t write about politics and grief, yet this time it would benefit us all to address this situation. I would love to know if any of you had challenges with getting bereavement leave when you needed it. Someone I love got her dream job working for a non-profit.  She worked there for years and was well respected. She loved her job so much that she didn’t use her sick leave or vacation time that she was able to build up over the years. Her husband knew that he was ill, but each time he went to the doctor, they told him to lose weight and he would feel better. No matter what he did, he kept getting bigger until finally a doctor listened to him and discovered that it was his malignant tumor that was gaining the weight.

As his health worsened, my friend started using her vacation time to help care for him. Her employer would not allow her to use her sick leave since she wasn’t sick. She used her vacation time for a week after his death. The organization was unhappy that she took so much time off even though it was time she had earned, so they terminated her employment, her lifetime dream job. She went into a deep depression after losing both her husband and her career to the point that she couldn’t deal with what had happened to her. Ultimately, she died too.

With all that happens in our country, bereavement leave is something we don’t have a good national system to address. Now we have an opportunity to address this. “In mid-August, the U.S. Senate set a process in motion to determine if our losses are important enough to deserve wage and job protections.” https://live-evermore.org/protect-our-jobs-congress/  Please click on this link to see the 16 US Senators who are working on this in committee right now.  They need to hear from you before September 15.  Please contact all of them before this deadline.  Contact information for all of the senators who are working on this is on the web site included above.

If you are reading this, you most likely have experienced the death of a loved one. You know how you felt as your loved one died, and how you felt that first week and probably longer than that week.  We are now in a position to help make it possible for employees to be granted five days of bereavement leave. I encourage you to help make this possible for your fellow grievers.

 

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Untold Stories

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I had the most wonderful experience this last week. My husband Jacques’s son and his wife delivered triplets almost 21 years ago, and though we met them the day they were born, and we have been in contact with them throughout the years, I hadn’t had a chance to know them individually.  One of the triplets, Sydney, graduated from college this spring, so I invited her to come to Maui for a week and stay with me to celebrate. I am so grateful I had the inspiration to do this because our week was magical.

She had never been to Hawaii before, so we did some of the usual things people do when they come to visit like go snorkeling, walk on the beach, go to a luau, and go to Mama’s Fish House for a delicious meal. And the rest of the time we spent visiting and getting to know each other. She attended my Writing Together Through Grief Zoom meeting and my Intention Setting Group on Zoom with me. She also got to attend my Produce Share that I do once a week so share the bounty of our gardens with neighbors. We went to Farmer’s Market together and bought some plants that we planted when we got home. We helped my friend Sharon feed her ten new puppies supplemental feedings. She is very creative, so I taught her how to weave including setting up my loom, measuring yarn, all the way to a finished project she could take home.  And because her Grandpa was half Italian and we had a tradition of making pasta from scratch for holidays, I taught her how to make pasta.

All these adventures were great, but what I enjoyed most was telling her stories of her Grandpa’s life. She was very young when he died, so she didn’t really get to know him. I told her everything I could think of starting with driving from San Francisco, where we were for my son’s wedding, to Los Angles on the day they were born. Her Grandpa was so excited! I shared how well respected her Grandpa was in the field of Ethics and Philosophy, what a talented singer and actor he was, how happy he was, and how he loved his life.

One evening she asked if I had pictures I could show her, so as we went through a big box, every picture inspired another story for me to tell her. One of my favorite stories was from a picture of her Grandpa standing with Mung, the man who had translated Jacques’s Ethics book into Chinese. Mung was visiting us from China because he wanted to meet the man who wrote the book that was used at the Institute of Philosophy in Beijing to help establish China’s ethical system after the Chinese Cultural Revolution. Jacques was holding his book in Chinese, and Mung was holding the book in English. Sydney had learned Chinese in high school, so I had given her the Chinese book when she graduated. She went on to graduate from college with a double major in Chinese and World Cultural Studies.

We went through the pictures for hours with each picture bringing more memories.  I told her to take any of the pictures she wanted home with her, and she was thrilled. We also noticed Jacques’ sparkling smile in almost every picture. We were so happy together! I am grateful that I got to share all these memories with her, so her Grandpa now became a loving memory in her heart too.

Be sure to share your memories with your loved ones while you can.

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

A Different Way to Deal With Grief

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Ron transitioned 4 years ago today, so I am thinking about him lots. Fortunately, I journal every day, so I can go back through my journals and read about special times we had together and great accomplishments we shared.  I find myself losing memories that have held a special place in my heart, and I am sure I haven’t recorded everything I would like to have. I am writing more every day to I can access those special memories I love.

I do write to Ron whenever I yearn to feel close to him, and today is an ideal day for that. I will write a letter just as if he would be receiving it in the mail from me. I always start with expressing the depths of my love and my gratitude for our life together. I tell him about what I am doing, and I ask him for guidance, inspiration, and advice.  After I complete the letter, I write a letter from him back to me.  I don’t think about what I am going to say, rather I just let the words flow, and I am always grateful that he answers all the questions that I have.

This form of writing is called Automatic Writing. I learned about it long ago, and I have been learning much more lately.  This letter writing technique is a favorite of the people who join me in my Writing Through Grief groups. They love it because they can ask questions they didn’t get to while their loved one was still here with them, and they are touched and helped by the replies.

I can’t tell you for sure where those return letters come from. They could be coming from memories stored in my heart or mind, or they could be coming from beyond where your loved one now resides. And some feel that the letters come from God. Where they come from isn’t as significant as the fact that they do come. All you need to do is to be open to the idea that this communication happens, then write whatever you want to.

I just finished reading the book The Automatic Writing Experience (AWE) by Michael Sandler. I highly recommend this book. It has taken my journaling to a much deeper place, and I easily write more every day. And while it helps, you really don’t need training to do this.  All you need is an open heart, an open mind, a pen, and something to write on.

This writing experience has brought me much comfort. I hope it will for you, too. Please tell me of your experiences with this.

Write on!

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Unheard

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Do you feel alone sometimes?  Maybe is seems that no matter how many times you say something, people just aren’t hearing you? This is not unusual, and you aren’t alone.  Often when we are grieving, we just don’t feel the strength we need to keep fighting the same battle. When this happens, we usually must keep trying until someone hears. I have a big example from my life.

Many years ago, I started having problems with my knee which was painful and swollen and a challenge to deal with. I went to different doctors, acupuncturists, massage therapists, physical therapists, and surgeons. One surgeon finally told me that I had a torn meniscus that he could repair it and I would be cured, after more physical therapy. After the surgery, he told me my meniscus was not torn but the lining of my knee looked like thick red shag carpet and that he didn’t know why it looked like that. Recovery from the surgery was tough because my whole leg swelled so much that my skin split.

Years went on with no relief. I took lots of anti-inflammatory drugs, but to little avail. I learned to not sit on the floor ever, to walk slowly, and to just put up with the pain. I always mentioned it to whatever doctor or therapist I saw. I had cortisone shots in my knee and more physical therapy, but it continued to get worse. Finally, the swelling was so bad that I could not pull pants up over my knee. I researched and found who was supposed to be the best doctor to deal with knees. He decided to drain the fluid from my swollen knee to provide relief. What he pulled from my knee was not the clear yellow synovial fluid he expected, and he sent me to a general surgeon.

The new surgeon had an MRI done that indicated lots of blood free in my knee. As I told him my history, he stopped me when I said red shag carpet.  He told me that the combination of what the MRI showed and the description I told him of the carpet, he told me that he was almost certain that I had Pigmented Villanodular Synovitis. His surgery confirmed his diagnosis. He said that hopefully that the surgery and some radiation treatment would do much to lessen the symptoms, but he wasn’t sure, and since it could lead to amputation, he sent me to an oncologist.

Fortunately, I had a dear friend who was an oncologist. He also was brilliant and loved to learn new things, so he read everything he could find that had been written on the diagnosis, which didn’t take him long because at that point, not much research has been done. He was, however, able to calculate the amount of radiation I required to deal anything left of what was left of the giant cell tumors that had resided in my knee for so long. I did the radiation, did more physical therapy, and I am much better though I still have pain and am unsteady walking.

Why did I tell you this long story? Because it took me years of reaching out for help with little results.  That often happens to people who are grieving. They most commonly try to deal with grief in isolation, not wanting others to see how broken they feel. Or they don’t feel like talking to anyone else at all. When they do come to a point where they would like to ask for help, they are unsure of where to go, so frequently they delay getting support and suffer more alone.

My advice is to keep searching. Keep asking. Eventually someone will say “I know just who you should see.” Or you will read some books dealing with grief, from self-help type books to fiction that deals with people grieving. And hopefully you will talk to friends who have also dealt or are dealing with loss.

After my first husband to die transitioned, I didn’t try much of anything. In my lonely cocoon, there was no room for someone to join me. I was lonely, but I mostly hid from anyone who could comfort me. I gradually did what my mother would have said by “pulling myself up by my bootstraps.” Though I never was for sure what that meant, I did start to take care of myself anyway I could figure.  When my second husband to die transitioned, things were so different. I had experience to help me. I had learned much about what I didn’t want to do, so I started again.

I wrote much with just me as an audience about how I was feeling and wondering what I could be doing. And I read much, every grief book I could find. And I was finding much that wasn’t helpful, but some that was. Since my writing was helping me, I started teaching my writing techniques to others who were dealing with grief and loss.  The more we talked together, the better we all felt. And I am still teaching people how to write to deal with grief.

And the unexpected gift that came to me in all this process was that I learned that just because I have had much loss in my life doesn’t mean that I have too always be sad. I learned the value of a smile shared with someone, even a stranger.  I learned that it feels good to share conversations and laugh. I learned that I could take good care of myself. And I do.

Learning all this has allowed me to smile again regularly and to reach out to help anyone I can along the way. My intention it to provide comfort support, love, and happiness to anyone I touch who is dealing with grief. I am here to help you.

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

 

Serendipity and Inspiration

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Have you had the experience of creating a vision in your mind of something you would love to do, then things start happening around you showing you that you can do it? Is this serendipity, or is it part of the process of creation? I have had this happen so often that I have learned to pay attention when it happens. When I recognized the power of paying attention, I reflected on my life and saw lots of examples. Here are a few.

When my son Jason was born, I had complications, and the nursing staff was unhelpful to say the least. I could not understand how a nurse could treat a patient without care or compassion. I said to myself, “If I were a nurse, I would never do that to my patients.” Before that time, I hadn’t considered being a nurse, yet I became one, a caring and compassionate one.

Later, when I was in the process of getting my master’s degree in English, I had no idea of what I would do with the degree when I got it. My husband Jacques suggested that I observe a writing class, and two of his colleagues gave me the opportunity to as well as hiring me to grade the essays they assigned.  Their techniques were different, and I could see how I, as a student, would like to be taught, as well as seeing the things that they did that worked and the things that didn’t. This inspired me to start my career as a writing teacher. I loved being innovative and encouraging my students to live their best lives in the process.

Later still, I had a dream of opening a live theatre and school of arts. I was unsure of how I could do this. Then I watched the movie “Music of the Heart” which portrayed the true story of Roberta Guaspari who founded the Opus 118 Harlem School of music as she fought for music education funding in New York City public schools. I had been fighting to find ways to support arts education in the city where I lived, and when I watched the movie, I knew if she could accomplish what she did, I could accomplish what I wanted for my community, so I did.  When I heard the song as the song in the movie, that was my confirmation that I was doing what I was meant to do. Here are some of the words to the song Music of My Heart.

You opened my eyes

You opened the door

To something I had never known before

And your love

Is the music of my heart

 

You can find the complete lyrics here  and  you can watch the movie online.

Then when my husband Ron died, I spent lots of time writing to help me deal with my grief. A few months after my Ron’s death, his good friend Chappy died. I used what I had learned by my writing to write a series of 52 cards to send to his wife Lori, once a week for the first year. I realized that what I said in the cards made and outline for a book that could help many people deal with grief and loss. I wrote that book, Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief, and it is providing comfort and support those many people. I also realized that teaching others how to write to deal with their grief was helping them to be happy while they were grieving, so my focus now is on creating The Grief and Happiness Alliance. I look forward to you joining me there.

Whether what I have experienced has come from serendipity or inspiration, I am grateful for it all, and all these occurrences have brought much happiness to my life. My hope is that you pay attention to the serendipity and inspiration you receive. How can you find more happiness in your life by following your heart?

 

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Stuck

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When I read what people are saying in some of the grief groups I follow, I notice that many people are stuck in their grief. The gist of what I hear is that people feel that if they lighten up on their grief, they somehow will lose the connection with their loved one who died.  The people who express this seem so sad, unable to connect with their new situation of their loved one’s passing. They seem to feel that they must stay sad because being happy in their situation feels like a betrayal to their loved one.

I was writing the other day about how my husbands would like for me to deal with my life now. In the process of writing, I felt my husbands smiling at me, so I started to smile while I was writing. When that happened, I realized that my husbands would want me to be happy. I remembered how when we first got together, Ron was always telling me to smile.  I was so serious then. As I looked in the mirror, I could see how much better I looked when I was smiling, and that smiling actually was making me feel better, lighter, and happy.

All of us people grieving will experience periods of yearning or sadness.  The key is to recognize these feelings, experience them, thank them, then release them and smile even if smiling is a challenge.  When we stay stuck in these feelings, that is all we are concentrating on.  Time goes on, and we aren’t moving forward with it because all we can think about is our loved one. When you find yourself falling into this abyss, take a few slow, deep breaths to center yourself, and commit to yourself to release those feelings.  And when they come back, do this again.  The more you recognize what you are doing, the easier it will be to deal with your feelings.

Make your journal your friend.  When you start feeling that sadness, anxiety, or yearning, write about what you are feeling. Include why you are feeling the way you are right now. What triggered this feeling?  For instance, if whenever you eat apple pie, you remember how much your loved one loved apple pie and always had to have two servings each time you made it. You find yourself feeling blue when you remember this.  Take some time to explore this feeling. My main memory of apple pie was how much I enjoyed making apple pie because Ron loved it so much, and it made him smile. Instead of staying stuck in that sadness you I was feeling, I could smile at the happiness of the memory.  You will be amazed how you can shift your reaction to your memories in a positive way so that you can release the sadness and replace it with the good memory.

I challenge you to pick up your journal each time you start feeling the negative emotions and find the joy in the experience you remember. Focus on that joy, and in the process, release that sadness.  The more you do this, the happier you will become until you find yourself naturally feeling the happiness while releasing the negativity.

You can do this.  You can be happy.  Your loved one would want you to be happy.

 

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.