Writing

The Stories We Tell

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We all tell stories, but are we telling the truth in those stories? When we tell the story of the loss of our loved one, we may only tell part of the story leaving out what we think the person we are telling the story too wouldn’t be able to handle. Or we may share way more than the person we are talking to can handle. Think about stories you tell, and then think about why you are telling them.

Your stories can bring you the support you desire.  For instance, you may tell a story of your desire to spend more time with your friends. In that story, you may say only one or two friends are staying in touch with you. You can bemoan the fact no one else calls you or that you spend so much time alone. Think about how the person you are telling your story to will react to the story you are telling.  They could think “She sounds so sad.  I can’t handle being around that sadness now because I am barely hanging on.” Or they could think “I understand that loneliness, and I will do better at staying in touch.”  How you tell your story will affect what the results you will get will turn out.

When you change your story to something positive, you are more likely to get positive results.  For instance, when you tell your story about how you want to spend more time with your friends, try changing up your story to say something like “I loved before the pandemic how we used to get together to visit over a cup of coffee at our favorite café every Monday at 10 AM. I was thinking, we could still do that now.  Instead of the café, let’s facetime or Zoom at the same time, or even talk on the phone.”  If you heard that story from your friend, wouldn’t you say “Sure.  I would love to do that.  I do miss our time together. This would be a great way to catch up.”

Or you may tell the same story to every new person you come in contact to.  For instance, I could introduce myself as a widow who has had two husbands die. If you met me and I said that to you, what would your reaction be?  Chances are you may be kind yet have no desire to spend more time with someone dealing with so much loss. In this time of a pandemic, you have enough to deal with already.  But if I introduced myself as a person grateful to meet someone new, you would probably be more interested in getting to know me better.

What is your story now?  Are you telling the truth about who you are? Are you a person who loves real conversations? Do you hold back information that could help you share what you really want to? Or maybe you say way more than you meant to? Spend some time thinking now about how you would like others to perceive who you are. What stories can you tell to develop the relationships you would like to have?  What stories to you need to keep for yourself? Telling the stories that support the outcome you desire can go a long way to bring more joy into your life.

Try writing your stories in your journal. Often, writing out a painful story in detail can help you discover the truth in it while releasing the need for it to keep circulating in your mind making you sad or holding you back.  Years after I had a terrible experience, it kept surfacing in my thoughts. After I took the time to actually write it out with all the freighting details, I realized that I was able to let the story go. Nobody else saw what I wrote, and I was able to tear it up and throw it away.  I was amazed that after I got the story down on paper, I released all the feeling that went along with it.

Think about stories you tell, and then think about why you are telling them. How do your stories serve you? Sometimes the stories you tell can drive someone away. Your stories can also bring people closer. Telling your stories can bring you joy when you allow them to. Before you tell your story, ask yourself these questions. Does this story need to be told? And if it does, how can I tell it with love in a way it can bring joy?

Bring love and joy to others, and to you, with the stories you tell.

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

Writing My Book

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After Ron died, I was in a fog for a while.  As I was emerging from that hollow space, I considered what to do.  I searched for guidance on the Internet, and I found lots of groups for those dealing with loss, especially widows.  I joined several and discovered tragic stories of loss that broke my heart. I reached out to these people, offering words of comfort.  I realized that the comments I shared were overshadowed by the large quantity of comments from others also offering their opinions. Reading all these posts left me awash in sadness, and that is not where I wanted to be.

I turned to reading books on dealing with grief. I read many, and most of them focused on loss and sadness, many with their personal efforts to recover, and that didn’t resonate with me.  I see grief as something that lasts a lifetime, while the acuity of that grief diminishes as we gradually move forward keeping the loved ones we have lost in a special place in our hearts. By viewing the social media I did and reading the books I did, I discovered that whatever I did needed to be positive. I saw that I would focus on supporting each other in a positive way while emphasizing love.

I also spent much time in meditation and in writing in my journal.  I wrote about the lessons I was learning and what my new priorities were.  I also wrote about what I thought Jacques and Ron would love to see me do at this time. I saw that my writing was my comfort, and the more I wrote, the better I was able to deal with what I was experiencing. This led me to invite people dealing with loss to my home to write together exploring our individual experiences.  This group became close and asked to meet twice a month instead of one, and we did that until the pandemic. Then I started a private Facebook group to explore writing through grief, and I have started a Zoom writing meeting weekly to come together to write about our grief.

In the process of doing all this, my book evolved. I had a list of many things I saw as issues that I was writing about that I knew I could help others with. I included with each chapter something specific the readers can do to help them deal with their experiences. I contracted with Mango Publishing to get my book out to those who can use it.  I am thrilled that it launches on January 19 and that we are celebrating the launch with a big celebration on Zoom on January 23. I see Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief as a loving support of those dealing with loss, and the perfect gifts for those you know who are dealing with loss and grief.

In the meantime, the pandemic arrived. So many of us are now dealing not only with the loss of loved ones, but with the loss of jobs, income, homes, and just living our lives in the manner we would love to.  The lessons and suggestions for activities can help anyone who is dealing with loss.  By supporting each other with love, we all can make a difference in us all moving forward together live our best lives.

I look forward to helping you.

 

If you would like to attend the book launch for Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief, please email me at [email protected] and I will send you a Zoom link.

 

You can preorder the book by clicking here at Amazon.

 

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Service

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What do you think of when you hear the word service?  In the small town I lived in growing up, Veterans day was the biggest holiday of the year and was celebrated with different events all week long. This was all done to honor and respect people in “the service,” those who served our country in the military.  At that time, whenever I heard the word service, I thought of those people and what they did for all of us, offering their lives for people they didn’t even know. This kind of selfless service was my example of what service meant.  My Dad served in World War 2 and went on to serve veterans the rest of his life.  I knew that was the kind of person I wanted to be, one who serves others.

Throughout my life I have chosen careers and activities that were all service based, not military service, rather service to others who I didn’t necessarily know. Theatre became a place of service for me.  In all the different roles I played in production of shows, including acting, directing, designing, and producing, I was working to entertain the audience, to allow an escape for them, make them laugh or cry.  Working as a nurse, I served to save lives, provide comfort, support healing, provide end of life care, and help babies come into families. Teaching writing at the university, I provided skills for students to enhance their careers and their lives. My ambulance company provides service to our whole community in the most difficult of circumstances whether they can pay or not. And in all the community service I have done, I sought opportunities to make the community and the world a better place.

When grieving, I have found comfort in serving others who are also grieving. Having discovered the value of writing to help me deal with the experience I was having; I saw that I could help others to discover how writing through their grief can help immeasurably.  I have taught these writing classes in my home, but when the pandemic came, I started teaching online, and I discovered other ways to use my writing online to provide inspiration and comfort.  The more I serve, the better I feel.

What are you doing to serve?  It doesn’t have to be something big. Doing things like sharing vegetables from your garden with your neighbors, calling friends or writing letters to people who would love to hear from you, or even taking good care of your cat or dog are all service. Of course, you can also do bigger things.  In this case, size really doesn’t matter.  Each act of service counts.

What can you do today to serve? I would love to hear what you do.

 

Pre-order my book Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Sign up for my free Zoom class: Writing Together Through Grief by clicking here.

How is Your Day?

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I woke up this morning feeling so good, and It made me think.  We all notice when we don’t feel good, and then we spend time and energy dealing with that. But I was thinking instead this morning of how wonderful it is to just feel good. I started looking at what was different in my life right now that is contributing to this elation.

Sunday my friend invited me to her house for dinner with a couple of other friends.  (We did social distance) After dinner, we played a card game named Uno Flip.  I had played Uno years ago, but I never played Flip.  We had so much fun that we all laughed for an hour.  I realized then that though I am happy, I hadn’t laughed that much in years.  My whole body felt good. Though that was 4 days go, I still feel great.  I am sure that was the start of this good feeling.

In addition to that, I have committed to going on a walk every day.  I have been listening to a book as I walk, but this morning, I decided to just enjoy the silence, the birds, and the breeze. I reflected as I walked on how much I love where I live.  I can see both sides of the island as I walk, and there is such a wide variety of tropical flowers that I took time to observe and enjoy.

I also have been writing every day. Although I am an author and I teach writing, I’ve been taking a couple of online writing classes to just explore ideas and writing techniques.  I am discovering more about me and am having some powerful inspiration which is fun to pursue. I even decided to teach a Zoom writing class on Saturdays to explore writing through grief. There is no charge and no pressure with this class. I’d love to have you join if you are interested.

I’ve also been gardening, cooking, reading, and painting, so much fun!  I hear people say they are so bored with the shutdown and restrictions because of the pandemic, but I haven’t felt that at all.  I fill my time with what I enjoy, and I never run out of things to do even if it is sitting in my comfy chair in my back yard, listening to all the birds sing, and sipping some refreshing iced water.

One of my favorite songs is Lovely Day by Bill Withers. As I walked by a picture of Ron and I today, I blew him a kiss and thought of this song. Look at a picture of your loved one, smile, and listen to this song. Lovely Day

I wish for you a lovely day.

 

Sign up for my Writing Together Through Grief Zoom Class here

Who Do You Listen To?

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After Ron died, I was drifting, not knowing what I was supposed to do next since I had spent so long tending to his needs and doing all I could to cherish the valuable moments we had left. Only after a close friend of ours died suddenly did I realize that I could help his wife, and in so doing, I helped myself start rising up from the fog I had been slogging through. Helping her helped me find ways to help others in grief. And the more I helped others, the easier I could breathe.

I have worked now for three years to find ways to support people through the private Facebook groups I  lead, the classes I teach on writing through grief, the interviews I do online, the social media I post all of which offer positive support, and the book I have written.  I am not saying this for praise. I do all this out of a commitment I have to help others. While I appreciate when people express gratitude to me, that doesn’t drive me. I feel my life’s work is to support those dealing with loss, something that is needed more every day with all that is going on in our country.

Lately, I have been having people on social media criticizing me for the work that I am doing saying that I should be ashamed of writing what I have online to shamelessly promote my book. I have to say that it has shocked me.  And it didn’t just happen once.  In what I post in my blog and on social media posts, I occasionally mention my book.  I do this so that people who would appreciate what I can say to help them. I read many books when Ron died.  I learned much from them, but what I was looking for was positive ways to deal with what I was experiencing, so that’s what I wrote.

When criticized for something I have been selflessly doing, it hit me hard, and I found myself questioning if I was doing the right thing. In questioning my actions, I realized how important it is for me to stay positive and do the right things for the right reasons. I don’t know why someone would choose to say what they said.  What I do know is that I am here to help. I am here to share my love with you. I am here to offer you support. I am here to brighten your day and your life. I am here for you, and I will continue to do all I can in a variety of ways to help you find each moment the best it can be at that moment.

Thank you so much for reading my words.

Purpose

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In grief, our roles shift from those we had before our loss to those we have after. Often our before roles are clear and we tend to do them without having to think much about them. After, though, we often aren’t sure what to do.  Before your roles may have been things like caretaker, lover, and companion. After those roles may need to be replaced with something else.

For me, with both Jacques and Ron, I had spent two years each focusing on their needs, both physically and emotionally.  My life was consumed with all things related to them.  After Jacques I was lost and took a long to time start to figure things out. But after Ron, I discovered that the one thing I focused on most was now what was I supposed to do. What was my purpose?

I journaled and explored what I loved to do, what I desired to do, what was next for me.  Though the answers didn’t come quickly, they prepared me to be ready to say yes when I realized what my new purpose was. When the realization dawned on me that what I would love to do is to help others who have also experienced loss by using the skill I am most comfortable with: writing. And this realization came to me when I noticed that was what I had already started to do.

I love creating relationships with others who can use what I have to give. My new relationships are deep and lovely, and I am grateful for them. The process naturally evolved for me without my noticing till one day I realized that what I had done so far was the perfect content for a book. So I wrote it, it is being published, and I will be able to touch so many more people.

What is your purpose? There is so much to do in our world right now.  Our country is suffering from fires, hurricanes, lack of integrity, racism, violence, and a pandemic. Just looking at that sentence is overwhelming. Yet, all things can improve. And that improvement will come from individuals stepping up.  You may be thinking that all those things are so big that you wouldn’t be able to tackle them as your purpose, but this is a place you could start. They key here, is to focus on one thing and take the first step.

After my journaling, my first step was to write a letter to a dear friend whose husband died suddenly. Writing that letter allowed me to realize that I could help others by using my writing, and this process opened the flood gates for me.  What are you concerned about now, and how can you help? For instance, if you are concerned by the lack of integrity we are experiencing right now in our government, what you can do right now is be totally integral yourself. This is a commitment I have made to me, and by making that commitment, I have learned to stop myself when what I am thinking or saying may not be the absolute truth. Integrity can spread as we all focus on that.

For racism, I have started a serious self-study program to learn what I missed in my education and discover how what I say and what my actions are affect others. I never thought of myself as racist, but through my studies I have found that isn’t enough. I have committed to be anti-racist and to talk to others about the significance of this.

My purpose related to the pandemic is to learn what I need to there, and to do what I need to so that I can protect myself, my loved ones, and society in general. If we all do this, we will get through this challenge sooner and with less loss. I also use my main purpose of helping others to deal with loss by helping people dealing with loss caused by the pandemic.

I encourage you now to write out what your purpose is in life right now.  There is no judgement here. Write about your deepest desire for your life’s fulfillment.  I asked the members of my Writing Through Grief with Emily private Facebook group to do this, and Joanna Thompson Gabriel wrote from her heart and has allowed me to share this here:

“A year ago, I published a book, Re-Wired: A Sankofa Healing Journey which chronicles my healing journey through retirement which I like to call re-wirement. For me “retirement” speaks to endings and “re-wirement” speaks to beginnings. Although it has not been revealed what the results of all these tests will conclude, obviously, I am being rewired once again. I am saying hello to life.

And truly there is no way that any one of us knows all that is before us.

So the only purpose I have right now is to:

*Seek to find joy in all I do

*Live one moment at a time

*Contribute to the world with love

*Cherish all my wonderful relationships

*Continue facilitating support groups on liberation from the effects of racism, classism, and sexism.

*Share inspirational messages through word and song

*Continue in my Writing Through Grief Support Group with you Emily

*Finish the book that I am writing: My Soul Is A Witness: The Legacy of Grief.

*And, plan to live a long and fruitful life.”

 

I would love to read what you discover as you write about your purpose. Life is good!