Loneliness

An Affair?

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I heard the other day someone say you should have an affair with yourself, and I smiled. What a good idea!  The most important person for you to love is yourself. Sometimes we forget that when a loved one dies. We may say something like a part of you is missing. I understand that idea, but it isn’t the truth. The truth is you are whole just the way you are.

When I chose what to wear, I find myself thinking of things like “Mom loved that color,” “Jacques was so amazed that I could sew beautiful clothes for myself,” or “Ron bought me that sweater and I always think of him when I wear it.” These types of memories don’t keep us stuck in the past, but they can make us smile, and you are always more beautiful with a smile on your face.

When you want a snack, treat yourself to some fresh cherries or watermelon instead of a bag of chips. When you want a drink, treat yourself to a new tea flavor, hot or iced instead of a cup of wine. When you want to go out, find some friends to go with you and try something new like learning how to paint, playing pickleball, or trying a new food truck.

You can choose to be happy maybe one step at a time. The more steps you take, the weight of your grief can start falling away. You can always keep your loved one in your heart, and you can also expand your happiness at the same time.

Take yourself on a date this week!

have an affair with yourself, you will remember that you are whole, perfect, complete, and beautiful. You will also choose to treat yourself the very best by taking special, tender care of your physical self. You will eat wisely and well, and you’ll always bathe and brush your teeth. You will dress in clothes that make you feel good about yourself. I say all this because so many people who are grieving let things go. Just getting out of bed sometimes may feel impossible, but you can do it.

 

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Procrastination

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Do you ever have a morning when it’s hard to get out of bed? You think about all the things you need to do and maybe feel a bit guilty about not getting started. Or maybe you were planning to fix dinner and didn’t get around to it, so another frozen dinner for you. Procrastination often can be overwhelming when you are grieving. You just may not want to do or think about anything, but procrastination does not serve you.

There are different types of procrastination, and they all play a part in bringing you down instead of dealing with your grief in a positive manner. However, when you recognize that you are procrastinating, you can start doing something about it, and you can discover how much better you can feel when it isn’t hanging over your head.

Procrastination can result in worrying. Perhaps you have lots of paperwork to do related to who or what you are grieving. This kind of task may be unfamiliar to you or just plain overwhelming. I can guarantee that the longer you put it off, the more all-encompassing the task will become.  To deal with this, try organizing what you need to do. Put at the top of your list the easier things that won’t take too much time, especially if you are familiar with what’s required. If there are tasks that you are unfamiliar with, get some help from someone you know and are comfortable with. This could be a trusted friend, your financial planner, or your bookkeeper. Legal Aid may be available where you live. You may even want to contact your attorney for legal issues. There is no shame in reaching out and it can bring you much peace of mind.

When you put off required tasks that have deadlines, you can bring on much stress that can make tasks even harder to deal with. Be gentle with yourself and make a plan to get things done ahead of time so that you aren’t putting unnecessary pressure on yourself.

Procrastination also occurs when you find yourself daydreaming instead of doing what you need to. Sometimes I could find myself sitting outside watching clouds go by while my dishes were stacked in the sink, my laundry wasn’t clean, my phone messages and emails weren’t responded to, and I had run out of groceries. While this may happen occasionally, it can easily become overwhelming and so much harder to deal with. Take some time to pay attention to what needs to be done and have a plan you will follow so thing won’t pile up. You will feel so much better when you aren’t overwhelmed by stuff.

Another trap you can fall into is perfectionism. If you are used to having your life in perfect order, when dealing with all the different issues that arrive during grief, things can easily fall out of order.  This can result in you getting frustrated with yourself or even depressed or angry. Just thinking of this can be upsetting, and that doesn’t help.

What you can do to deal with the common issue of procrastination is to practice good selfcare. First, notice when you are procrastinating. That is a huge step. When you notice, think about why you are putting things off. Then try writing an intention that you can repeat to yourself whenever you need to. Let your own words be your inspiration. You have more strength than you know.

 

Grief and Happiness Alliance

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You can listen to my Grief and Happiness podcast here or anyplace you listen to podcasts.

What Do You See?

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Grief affects our perspective. I have a beautiful view from the lanai at the back of my house. I looked across the island of Maui to the West Maui Mountains crowned by pure white clouds. I looked at the valley that bisects the island. I gazed at my glorious garden of tropical plants and bananas. Yet what I saw was the empty chair next to mine where my husband used to sit. Everything else felt abstract and superficial. That empty comfortable yard chair is where he spent so many hours communicating, helping others, reading, meditating, smoking a cigar, or gazing at me as I looked back with love. That chair brought me longing, loneliness, and change.

As time has gone by, I still imagine him sitting there, sharing wise words, bringing forth my smile and wonder. And I also reflect on the strength that I have grown into. When he first died, I didn’t recognize myself in the mirror. And I didn’t remember what my smile looked like. Gradually, I have come to see the woman I am becoming. As I have learned the importance of focusing on positivity, joy, gratitude, self-care, and self-love, I am happier now than I ever have been.

When I look at his chair now, I see memories of a beautiful relationship and deep love. When I look in the mirror now, I see peace, contentment, and love.

Henry David Thoreau said, “It’s not what you look at, but what you see.”  And I say what you see is who you are becoming.

Who are you becoming?

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Emily Thiroux Threatt email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my Grief and Happiness podcast here or anyplace you listen to podcasts.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Hugs

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When I was a little girl, I loved going to visit my grandmother because she gave me such sweet hugs. She always smelled like her carnation toilet water, and her soft, strong arms made me feel loved and secure. However, she was my only source for hugs. I did not see other people hugging. My parents held hands, but I didn’t see them hugging. The only time I remember my mother hugging me was when I was distraught over the miscarriage I had.

I finally started giving and receiving hugs from my husband Jacques’s Italian family. I felt a part of his family with all those hugs and kisses on my cheek. They didn’t have to know someone to greet them with a hug and a smile. What a wonderful feeling. I still am challenged in initiating a hug, but I definitely hug back when someone hugs me. And I feel the benefits of sharing hugs.

“Virginia Satir, a world-renowned family therapist, is famous for saying ’We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.’” That sounds so wonderful, yet when we are grieving, often no one is there to share a hug with. I have taught myself to reach out to people when they are sad. I start with something not as intimate as a hug, like sitting next to them, putting my hand on their shoulder, or holding their hand. You can feel the positive energy flowing between you.

Research indicates that there are many benefits from hugging, like:

  • Protecting your heart
  • Reducing your stress
  • Increasing your happiness
  • Enhancing your relationships
  • Promoting better sleep
  • Improving your mood and relationships
  • And many more

How do you feel when you give or get a hug?  Human touch is a vital part of being alive, and touching animals is also beneficial. I love when my neighbor brings her dog to visit me. He loves to be petted, and I love to pet him.  I don’t remember the last time I was around a cat until last week.  I visited a friend and her big, soft cat climbed on to my lap and started to purr. That felt so good.

Find a way to include more touch and hugs into your life. I know it will make you feel better.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Emily Thiroux Threatt email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my Grief and Happiness podcast here or anyplace you listen to podcasts.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

What Can You Do?

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Are you lonely? Do you feel helpless? Do you feel like your world is crumbling around you? Do you realize you aren’t the only one feeling that way right now? The good news is you can do something about how you are feeling to help you feel much better.  Here are some ideas:

  • Reach Out. Who would you like to talk to? Which old friends are you missing? Start by making a list. Every time you think of someone, and that person to the list. Every day, pick a different person on the list and call that person. Plan a way to get together. Go for a walk or for coffee. Plan something to do together. Rekindle friendships. Then stay in touch.
  • Volunteer. What causes are you concerned about? Who can you help? Get active in your community. Find something that you can attend and meet new friends. I volunteered for the political party I am a member of. I met very interesting people by doing that and know I was making a difference. What could you volunteer for?
  • Play. Plan a game party where you can invite friends to play for favorite board games like Monopoly or Uno. Go to a water aerobics or Aqua Zumba class. Join a hiking group. Organize a block party for your neighborhood to meet all your. neighbors. Go somewhere to listel to live music and dance!
  • Learn Something New. What have you always wanted to learn? I love to take art classes. Take cooking classes. I discovered free community classes at our local college including classes in their culinary department. Join a community choir. Get involved in your community theater.
  • Join or Start a Book Club. Book clubs are usually created around a common interest like romance novels, mysteries, biographies, political issues, or travel. Often organizations have book groups. I like to participate in the book group for the American Association of University women. I’ve met some of my best friends there.

The key is to find ways to be around people you already know you like or people you would like to get to know. Chances are that if you sit home alone, which people often do while grieving, people won’t be coming to your house to seek you out. The longer you stay by yourself, the harder it is to get moving again.

Start by reaching out with people you already know and would like to spend more time with. They may be waiting to hear from you. Then reach out to people you don’t know but would like to. For instance, if you are concerned about a pollical issue, reach out to see how you can get involved to work on solving that issue. If you love to work with children, volunteer to read to them in their classrooms or at the local library.

The more we become involved in our communities, the more friends we can make, the more issues we can work on, the more we can learn, and the more we can help.

Start today. You’ll be so glad you did.

Knot by Knot

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“Knot by Knot I untie myself from the past.” Charles Wright, American Poet

Reading this quote, I reflected on all the knots that I have untied related to grief. Many of the knots were locked in the ropes tightly bound around my feet, my hands, my brain, and my heart. The metaphorical ropes tied to my feet held me in place, not being able to get up from my bed or chair making it impossible to step forward. The ties on my hands held me back from accomplishing even basic tasks, and they thwarted my creativity. The binding of my brain blocked my thoughts. The ropes that enclosed my heart felt the worst as I struggled to feel even basic emotions let alone love of any kind.

After what felt like forever, I started coming out of what appeared as perpetual numbness, I slowly started to feel the tightness of the knots, one by one, and knew I had to start breaking free from the suffocation. Not being a superhero, I found I could not just take a deep breath expanding my chest and break free from all the knots at once, then move forward as if nothing had happened. Instead, I had to become mindful and focus on each knot, one at a time, to sooth the pain they were causing.

Though the siren song of my bed was alluring, I focused on my feet. Not moving caused physical pain and I knew relief could come from getting up, so I did. Venturing outside to sit on my lani, listen to the birds, smell the flowers, and watch the clouds drift by thawed my frozen muscles. The gentle breeze found its way into my lungs and refreshed my soul. As I untied the ropes from my feet, I also removed those ropes and discarded them so they would not have the power to trip me.

One by one I untied each knot. The process was not quick and was guided by where the most pain was occurring. As I released each knot, I thanked the binding for the lesson it gifted me. Being able to release my feet showed me that though I had stayed still for a while, I was perfectly capable of becoming unstuck from my lethargy.

Disentangling all the other interlacements, though challenging, released more freedom. Concentrating on moment by moment, I explored each heartache and started to map my way forward. Now far past my initial grief, I am liberated from all those knots. I worked my way through the complexities that all grieving people experience to some extent.

No matter where you are in your grieving process, know that eventually, knot by knot, you too can release each tie that binds. You will be so glad that you did.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.