Grief

When I Let Go

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Rev Rachel Hollander, the President of the board of the Grief and Happiness Alliance Nonprofit Organization, has a beautiful singing voice and is an accomplished song writer, so when she invited me to attend the service on Zoom of the Washington DC Unity Church where she would be singing three songs, I knew I had to attend even though at was at 5 AM Maui time where I live. I am so glad I did!

All week last week when I awakened in the morning l could hear her singing one of the songs she wrote and sang at that service. The name of the song is Float because it came to here fully formed when she was in a flotation tank. The words that reached me deeply are “When I Let Go.”

On the third day in a row I was singing that refrain, I finally got it. That was a message to me. I have lived such a busy life. I always had more to do, not out of obligation, but out of passion. I love my life, and I keep getting inspired to do more. And I am a bit of a perfectionist, so I put a lot of pressure on me to have things exactly the way I want them.

As I heard those lyrics, I knew it was time for a big change. This week I was getting ready to go to Unity Village in Missouri to speak at their grief retreat. We’ve been planning it for months, and I was ready to leave. Then my flight got delayed, which meant that I would not be able to catch my connecting flight. So I saw this as a time to let go. My good friend Shena, who made the flight arrangements for me, was able to get me booked on a different airline, and she got a refund for the other flight.

It was Sunday, and I wasn’t able to reach the person in Missouri who was handling the arrangements for me on that end, so I figured out how to change my transportation from the airport. Although I arrived a day later than planned, I had initially scheduled to arrive a day early to help me with the jet lag from the five hour time difference, so everything worked out perfectly.

In the past, I would have been a nervous wreck. This time I chose to let all that stress go. Everything was handled with ease and grace, and I ended up with a free day to relax with a good book.

I am looking at my life and realize that I will now focus on being rather than doing. And in paying attention, I also see that I had already started this awhile ago.  Now I am being mindful of this change, and you know what? It feels great. I have so much more room and time to be at peace, to listen when someone speaks to me, and to focus on taking care of myself first so that I am present in all I do to live my best life.

How about you? What can you let go of to enhance your beautiful life?

 

You can listen to Rev Rachel’s beautiful song here.

Rev Rachel Hollander

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

Want to Feel Good?

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Did you know that you can contribute to your own feeling good? You may be surprised that you do without even realizing what you are up to. Our miraculous bodies are always working to serve us to live our best lives, but they can do even better with a little help from us.

When we are grieving, our minds may try to convince us that we can’t smile or laugh or that we don’t deserve to feel good. Unfortunately, many of us listen to that negative often because we just don’t have the energy to object. Fortunately though, you have mighty endorphins in your body who would love to come to your rescue!

Meet your superhero Endy the Endorphin! Endy is an old name which has many meanings including Magical woman, loyal, kind, sweet, and strong. Knowing that Endy resides in all of us, and she is happy to serve can bring us much comfort! She can release feel good chemicals like dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin.

Here are some of the many benefits of experiencing the joys endorphins.

  • Reduced Depression
  • Improved self- esteem
  • Reduced Anxiety
  • Reduced pain
  • A boosted immunity
  • Regulated appetite https://bit.ly/3RJbuXj (source)

What do you need to do to call in your new best friend Endy the Endorphan?  It’s easy! Just issue your clarion call to Endy by generating a big smile, or better yet laughter, even a big belly laugh. This simple process that we all can do invites Endy to release all those lovely endorphins that light us up like when we get a big loving hug from someone special, or when you find out you’re going to be a grandparent, or when you see the most beautiful rainbow you can imagine.

What are you waiting for? Look n the mirror and see how big you can make your beautiful smile knowing that Endy’s help is on the way!

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

Waiting . . . .

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Have you ever thought about how much time you spend waiting? Where do you wait? Often, we are in line at the bank, the grocery store, the fast food place, the post office, the car pool lane; or we wait at the doctor’s office, the airport, the dentist’s office, the restaurant.  How often to you wait for someone or something?  Maybe you are waiting to hear if you got a loan, what grades you earned, a package coming in the mail. Just think about the hours of your life that you spend passively waiting.

I have thumbed through magazines I wasn’t interested in waiting for appointments. I have spent way too much time in lines at airports hoping I won’t miss my flight. I’ve spent time waiting for that special invitation to arrive. I also spend time at night waiting to fall asleep. I am sure if I added all these minutes and hours, it would add up to maybe years of my life.  When I paid attention to this, I decided I must change my ways.

I used to play solitaire on my phone while waiting until I started thinking that I was just wasting my valuable time.  Now I keep a book to read and a book and podcast to listen to on my phone instead. Other times I realize how freeing it is to not be looking at my phone.  Sometimes I look around me and seek the most beautiful thing I can see. Other times I see if I can get someone to smile just by smiling at them. And I’ve made new friends by striking up a conversation with someone waiting where I am waiting too.

I used to wait until my pile of important papers got too high before I decided to file them.  This just makes a mess. Or I wait too long to do the laundry till the task seems overwhelming.  Now I pay attention to when I am doing something like this so I will do things sooner when it doesn’t take so long.

What does this have to do with grief? This can start before a loved one dies. You’ll find yourself worrying about what test results will be or how a treatment or surgery will affect your loved one, and how those results will affect your life. You may find yourself waiting for someone you love to die because it breaks your heart to see them suffer, then you feel guilty for even considering that. After a loved one passes, we may be waiting to feel better or for our grief to be over. We may even find ourselves waiting to die so we don’t have to be alone anymore.

My question for you is, how does any of this waiting serve you? In my case, most often I see that waiting doesn’t serve me at all. I realized how many moments were passing me by, wasted.  And I realized how valuable those moments are. Waking up to this allowed me to make use of those moments in ways it serves me.

I seek ways to complete tasks sure, but beyond that, I seek ways to make each moment the best it can be.  For instance, in a moment I could write a note or address a card to someone I would like to cheer up, to stay in contact with, or to just tell them I love them. I could take a moment to take a deep breath and blow out any tension I am holding. I could take a moment to appreciate the beauty of a flower I see. I could take a moment to discover a healthy recipe I could make.

Ron and I had a big bottle we’d but our change in so that it didn’t weigh down our pockets or my purse.  When the bottle got full, we would dump it into the machine at the bank that sorted and counted it. Usually, we were surprised by what the total was, and we’d always use that money to do something special that we wouldn’t have otherwise.

Think of your moments of waiting as valuable currency that you could put in a bottle or a special bank just for moments. When you add up all those moments that you lost waiting in the past, in the present now you can use what you have recognized or saved to make special moments for yourself and your loved ones that you thought you didn’t have time for.

Every single moment is valuable. Experiencing each of those moments with love and joy rather that stress and anguish is a gift that you can give yourself every day, every moment.  You will be so glad you did.

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

Sit With It

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Sometimes we all get to a point that stops us. Maybe it’s hard to concentrate or remember what you wanted to. Maybe you have a feeling of emptiness or grief. Maybe you don’t have any idea why you are feeling what you are feeling. You just know that life in general is not working for you in this moment.

That feeling will vary in expression from weariness, to tears, to blankness, to just not know what to do about anything. Does this sound familiar? Know that you are not alone.  As much as you may feel that everything seems to be just fine, still this way of feeling hits you without warning. What do you do when it hits?

First, cancel your plans and find a comfortable place to be alone. This may be outside in your yard, on a park bench, or just sitting in your parked car. Find a place where you won’t be disturbed, the phone can’t ring, the computer is closed, and the doorbell can’t ring.  This is a special time just for you, to take care of you.

You may want to bring with you a nice glass of ice water. You may want to play some soft music without words or you may want to just listen to the birds or some running water nearby. You will want to be dressed comfortably. You may want to take your shoes off.

Now just be with yourself. There’s no need for a prescribed activity. Just sit or recline. A hammock is a wonderful place for this. Try focusing on your breathing. Take a slow breath in and a slower breath out. Choose just one word to focus on like comfort or support, or whatever you would love to experience right now. Choose just that one word and say it as you breath in and as you breath out.

Feel the warmth of the sun or the gentle breeze, or the cool air from the fan. Know this is your time with no obligations, no worries, just gentle, quiet time just for you. When a worry or sorrow tries to enter your space, gently acknowledge it and tell it you are not open to hear it right now. Go back to your breathing, and that one word you chose.

You may find yourself drifting into a nap. That’s OK. Don’t fight it. Relax your mind and relax each part of your body. Let all tension melt away. Stay in this space as long as you want to. When you are ready, take a few deep breaths and some long, lazy stretches. Become fully awake. You may want to write in your journal or take a walk. The key is to follow your intuition and do what it guides you to.

Most of us think taking time like this is a luxury we don’t have time for. Know that instead this a necessity to make time for. You are the number one person to take care of you. Do this whenever you realize that it is time to just sit with yourself to recover and recoup.

You are worth taking good care of yourself. Please do—

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

Carrying the Weight

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“Grief doesn’t get lighter. You just get used to carrying the weight”

Virgin River

 

When I heard this quote, I thought that it says much. I remember the many times in my life when I was going to start a new project that it would seem overwhelming.  When I was inspired to write my book, Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief, initially the project seemed so huge and intimidating, yet I knew that in my heart I was committed to writing something that would help others. So, I started.

I had a list of Chapter titles that included what I wanted to say in each chapter, but I started with the introduction.  In hindsight, writing the Introduction much later would probably have been easier. I wrote the introduction, then I wrote it again, then I revised that.  I had someone else read it, and I wrote it again. The more I wrote, the more that voice in my head was trying to talk me out of writing the book at all.  When I realized this, I sat the Introduction aside and started writing the chapters.

The process of writing that introduction made the work of writing feel heavier with every word. When I started writing the chapters, I discovered I was warmed up and ready to go.  Just as runners take time to stretch before they start to race, I had been warming up my writing skills. And the more I wrote, the easier it got.  I formed a routine of researching what the chapter was about to see what others had already written. Then I would do some brainstorming to discover the main points of the chapter would be. When I was ready, I wrote the chapter in one sitting. Then I set it aside for a couple of days before I read when I had written with fresh eyes.

After I wrote all the chapters, I read the whole book, then read the original introduction again. I was amazed at all the changes I made in the introduction. I was so glad I hadn’t stopped working on the introduction because what I wrote for the introduction after I read the whole book was so much better.

What does all this have to do with grief?  Some describe early grief as feeling a heavy weight on your chest making breathing difficult. Your body may feel heavy as you try to get out of bed or up from a chair. Your feet and legs feel heavy when you try to walk.  Nothing feels normal. This heaviness is common in early grief. Many people find themselves not eating much to avoid more heaviness. Recognizing this is happening is a good start. And as you move forward, probably more slowly than you would like to, the heaviness you are carrying starts to lighten.

You still miss your loved one, and you always will.  You are not trying to forget your loved one or to get over your, loss, but each day, everything lightens a little. There will come a time when you tend not to remember that early heaviness, and you realize how much better you are feeling.

If you are carrying a heavy load of grief right now, what can you do to lighten up? Getting out in nature, taking a walk, spending time with someone you love. All these things and more will help melt that weight away. You have come so far, and you realize now that you are carrying the love of your loved one instead of the weight of your loss, and you feel so much better!

 

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

Your Beautiful Mind

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Everyone has a mind which acts like our closest friend.  Our mind talks to us more than anyone else we know, and it doesn’t always seem to be on our side. Offering advice is one of its favorite things to do. I know sometimes I will say something I don’t mean, and I can just see my mind in the background laughing and saying “See, I made you say that!”  When this happens, I realize that I have to be mindful of each word I speak.

In that early time alone after my husband died, my mind was especially active. Reflecting my feeling of being lost and not knowing what to do, my mind seemed especially agitated saying things like “You’re always going to be alone,” “You’re too sad to do anything,” “Or you don’t need to eat now. It’s too much trouble.”  Trying to consciously think about anything seemed too hard, so my mind would jump in to fill up all the emptiness.

Now when I hear people who are dealing with loss saying things like my mind was saying to me, I realize that those negative words aren’t coming from their hearts, and I see how their mind would love to take over and make them even more confused about what they are dealing with.

What can you do about this?  First, recognize what is happening.  When you are mindful, you can take control of your life.  To be mindful means to be conscious and aware. You focus on the present moment and communicate from there from your heart.  Do you remember times your mind took over and wasn’t acting in your best interests, and maybe you didn’t have the energy to disagree with it?  I remember my mind telling me I didn’t need to get out of bed, I didn’t need to talk to anyone, and I didn’t need to eat healthily.  Giving in to what it was telling me was easier than using my energy to talk back.

When you realize that your mind is keeping you confused, it’s time to take action. The first step is to realize that you are in control. You can make decisions about what is best for you. And your mind isn’t your enemy. It’s just doing what it knows how to do. The very best way to deal with this is to make friends with your mind.  I know this may sound silly, but most of what your mind is doing is trying to get your attention. Your attention is a precious gift. What you pay attention to guides all you do in life.

Let’s start with meditation. I hear people say they can’t just sit still and have their mind clear. Most people say this, and do you know who is telling them that?  You’re right, it’s their minds. Try sitting up straight in a chair with your feet on the floor. I like to meditate barefooted. Close your eyes and take a slow, deep breath. Is your mind talking to you? Reminding you that you don’t have time to sit around, or reminding you about that yummy chocolate cake calling to you from the kitchen?  When this happens, thank your mind. Tell your mind how much you appreciate how hard it is trying to help you. Tell your mind that it’s time for it to relax and take a break. Wish it well, then go back to your meditation.

This isn’t easy to do when you first get started, but the more you do it, the easier it becomes, and your mind can get some rest so that it is not so frenetic trying to guide your every move.

Try this.  Commit to living in each moment. The more you do this, the more your mind calms down.  You will gain a sense of peace and happiness. This is vital when you are dealing with loss.  When your mind starts to wander and tell you sad stories, say “Thanks for your input, but I’ve got this.” The more you do this, the more it becomes part of your life, and it’s so worth it!

People ask me how I can grieve and be happy at the same time, and I just smile and tell them that right now, right in this moment, my life is good, and I am grateful.  You can find this happiness, too.

Take a deep breath and smile.  You are on your way to that happiness that you can always tap in to, and it feels so good!

 

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763