Grief

Reflections on Manifestations 

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My new book, The Grief and Happiness Handbook, launches this Friday, July 7, 2023. Last week, my publisher asked me what my intention is related to the book. I told her that the book is a bestseller, and I am thrilled because I know it is bringing comfort, support, love, and happiness to all who read it. Now I am watching that manifestation unfold.

I did some serious soul-searching after my husband Ron died. We moved to Maui just two years before his transition. I had met wonderful neighbors and some of Ron’s friends from when he lived here long before I knew him. At that point, though, I was pretty much alone and longed to know what I was supposed to do with the rest of my life. In my exploration process, I journaled a lot, revealing to me the value of writing to deal with loss.

I realized that my new purpose in life was to help myself by helping others deal with their grief using writing in the process.

When Ron’s friend Chappy died a few months after Ron, I decided to write his dear wife Lori a card every week for a year. As I created those cards, I realized I had an outline for a book with the subjects of those 52 cards. I had written three university-level textbooks at that point, and I was teaching writing at the university, so writing a book helping people learn how to write through grief seemed to be my logical goal. My challenge was finding a publisher.  My agent and I worked for months approaching publishers.

A friend invited me to attend a group where people shared what they were manifesting and then supported each other toward those manifestations.  I went with her and told my new friends that I was manifesting the publisher for my book. I continued to focus on that and attend the meetings, and in two months, I had my publisher.

When I wrote my next book, my publisher wanted to wait a year or two before they published it, and since I didn’t want to wait, I set my intention to manifest the perfect publisher for my new book. When I talked to one of my podcast guests, she told me how wonderful her publisher is, so I approached that publisher, Ignite Publishers, and my guest was right.  Ignite is a wonderful publisher.

I am reflecting on being grateful to manifest the perfect publishers for these two books this week. I became aware of the process of manifestation after my husband Jacques died.  Two friends of mine suggested that I watch the movie The Secret. The movie is about the power of manifestation and stars many experts in the field, including Michael Bernard Beckwith, founder of the Agape International Spiritual Center; Jack Canfield, creator of the Chicken Soup for the Soul series; and Marci Shimoff, author of Happy for No Reason and founder of the Happy For No Reason Certified Trainer program.  In the years after I watched that movie, these three people have assisted me in my efforts to help those dealing with loss. I found that Michael Bernard Beckwith was a childhood friend of my husband Ron. He conducted the celebration of life we held for Ron and wrote the forward to my book Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief. Jack Canfield did a beautiful interview with me about that book. You can watch it on my website. And Marci welcomed me into her happiness training program and wrote the forward for my new book, The Grief and Happiness Handbook.

When I watched The Secret, I had no idea how it would help me on my journey. By being willing and open to living my best life, much wonder and good has come to me. Looking back, I realize that I have been manifesting things throughout my life without realizing that was what I was doing. For instance, in every job I have had, I was invited to do rather than search for a job. I’ve manifested buying and selling homes with ease and grace.  I manifested creating my live theatre. I manifested perfect roles for me to perform in plays.  And I could go on forever.

Manifestation is a powerful tool to create your dreams. I encourage you to manifest your best life or maybe, like me, realize that is what you have been doing all along.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance, which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

Wanting

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When you want something, you don’t have it. That may sound like a simple sentence, yet it is so important.  Think about when you have used the word “want.” I want a vacation. I want some apple pie.  I want someone to love.  What is common in all these sentences is what you don’t have.

If you say, “I want to feel better,” what you get is the “wanting” of feeling better. You won’t feel better when you are still wanting to.  When you say, “I feel better,” what happens? You feel better. You have given yourself instructions that you are following.

Something similar happens when you use the word “have.”  I caught myself saying, “I have a headache.” Now why would I want a headache? Saying, “I am happy that I feel great,” allows you the space to feel great.

I often hear the phrase, “Be careful what you wish for,” which applies here. When you say, “I want” or “I wish,” that’s what you get.  If you say, “I want to take a class,” that’s just a wish. Signing up for a class and attending that class makes it happen.  If you say, “I don’t want to feel this way,” you focus on the negative. Try saying something like, “I am feeling better every day.”

Try this: whenever you catch yourself saying “I want” or “I have,” turn that sentence around so you start it with. “I am.”  When you proclaim who you are, that’s what you get. I often write in my journal things like, “I am strong,” or “I am healthy,” or “I am loved unconditionally,” and guess what happens? I recognize I am strong, healthy, and loved unconditionally!

Pay attention to when you say, “I want” or “I have.” When you do say things like that, stop yourself, and turn around what you said to something positive and present. You will be so glad you did.

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

The Power of Optimism

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I lived most of my life in neutral, with sometimes sprinkles of happiness and sadness. In dealing with grief, I found myself more often on the sad end of the scale. When I realized that’s where I was, I made on conscious effort to tip the scales in my favor and spend my time on the top seat of that teeter-totter. I read much about happiness, became a Happy for No Reason Certified Trainer, started the Grief and Happiness podcast, and listened to happiness podcasts.

I learned that in early grief I easily fell into the role of “catastrophizer” where I magnified my woes and focused on the worst that could happen. That did not serve me and made it difficult to move forward with my life. When I came to understand what I was doing, my epiphany was that I was in charge of my thought patterns, and I knew I could change my mind. When I chose to dispute my catastrophic thoughts and focus instead on positivity, I found the power of optimism.

With the birth of positive psychology by psychologist Marty Seligman, more research on happiness resulted in great books, fascinating podcasts, and university classes about Happiness. One of my favorite happiness experts is Dr. Laurie Santos who created a Happiness course at Yale University which has become the most popular course there in its 300-year history. She also hosts a delightful podcast, The Happiness Lab, which I highly recommend.

All the scientific research has demonstrated innumerable benefits of happiness. A few of those benefits are:

  • Optimists try harder.
  • People like to be around optimists.
  • Optimists tend to do their best at whatever they do.
  • Prosperity comes more easily to optimists.
  • Optimists are likely to live longer.

When you emphasize happiness in your life, you will keep feeling better and better. This is something we all crave while grieving. The self-care of paying attention to keeping your emotions positive allows you to experience more positivity which in turn lightens your grief.

So, in the words of Bobby McFerrin, “Don’t worry! Be Happy!”

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

A Round Rainbow

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I see beautiful rainbows on Maui most days. Some rise from the ocean on one side of the island and dive down into the ocean on the other side of the island. Some are short swaths painted against a cloud, and others a giant double rainbow with a big bright rainbow in front and what seems to be a pale shadow in the back.

I live on the side of Haleakala volcano, so sometimes I see the top of a rainbow at the bottom of my property reminding me that I live over the rainbow. Some days I see multiple rainbows at the same time. On Christmas Eve one year, I got to bring my husband home from the hospital for one more Christmas we hadn’t been sure we would get to share.  On that trip home, we saw seven different rainbows.

The first time I saw Makawao Union Church, a glorious old stone church with a tall steeple, I saw I giant rainbow coming out of that steeple. And I have seen the end of a rainbow touch the ground many times. We even have a rainbow on our car license plates!

Recently I flew to Oahu on a day trip. The air was so clear, and the sparkling ocean was many shades of blue and green. As I was looking out the window, a puffy white cloud was floating by and I saw a reflection of the jet I was in surrounded by a rainbow in a perfect circle. My first instinct was that it was an optical illusion. It floated by quickly, so I couldn’t take a picture or share what I saw with the person sitting next to me. He was a film maker who makes outdoor movies, and he told me what I saw is real, and it is called a Glory.

He said that all rainbows are actually round, but almost all of the time we can just see what is above the surface. I googled it, and he was correct. And in most of the images I found online, there was a jet right in the middle of the circle.

As I gazed at the image of the Glory, I envisioned a Mexican folk art candle holder that we have which is called a circle of friends. The candle holder is a sculpture of several friends standing in a circle, arms interlocked, indicating the close bond of friendship. When a votive candle is burned in the center of the circle as the symbol of a bonfire, shadows can be cast so the friends seem to be dancing. When a friend gives this candle holder to another friend, it solidifies their bond of friendship for life.

As I considered this experience, the Glory and the circle of friends melded to create seven concentric circles of friends, each representing a different culture and color of the rainbow, surrounding the earth with love and friendship. I could hear them singing John Lennon’s song Imagine,

“Imagine all the people . . . .

Livin’ for today . . . .

Livin’ life in peace . . . .

No need for greed or hunger . . . .

Sharing all the world . . . .

You may say I’m a dreamer,

But I’m not the only one

I hope someday you’ll join us

And the world will live as one.”

 

While there is much beauty in the world we can see, we often see only what we expect to, but if we are open and receptive, we can experience so much more. I don’t know about you, but I’ll never look at a rainbow the same way again.

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries in that I wrote a chapter, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

Outside In

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Mourning and grief are different. Mourning is the outside expression of grief while grieving is what you feel on the inside.

Think of a time when a loved one died in the past or a time when you were with someone dealing with the death of a loved one. What outside indications of mourning have you observed?

The Gaelic tradition of keening is when women wail together loudly, expressing and releasing the sorrow they feel with the loss of a loved one.

An old tradition in Spain was when the male head of the family died, the women wore black for the rest of their lives, and they no longer went outside their houses.

Jewish people sit shiva when a parent, spouse, child, or sibling dies. The Shiva lasts for 7 days and has lots of traditional rules to follow.

Many cultures and religions have their own traditions where people outwardly demonstrate their mourning. While I didn’t have a tradition of how to mourn, I found myself sobbing until I could catch my breath, then I became silent and didn’t feel like talking.

How do you mourn? How have you observed others who mourn?

Grief is different from mourning. Mourning is mostly done in the presence of others. Grieving, however, is a personal, inside experience.

Grieving can happen before death as in anticipatory grief, it may seem brief, it may diminish over time, or it can last a lifetime.

As people transition from mourning into grief, feelings tend to become less apparent to observers.

Allowing ourselves to deal with our feelings helps them to dissipate. Failing to experience grief may cause physical and emotional symptoms, so paying attention to how you feel is essential.

Some tips for ways to take good care of yourself while grieving are:

  • Read good books about dealing with grief.
  • Write in a journal every day.
  • Express your gratitude often.
  • Forgive yourself for anything you need to.
  • Find or create a group of people also grieving to support each other.

Most importantly, do something. Grief does not go away when you ignore it, so take good care of yourself. Release the inside experience of grief allowing yourself more room for happiness.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

A Reason A Season A Lifetime 

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People come into our lifetimes for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. In every relationship, there is a gift and in entering relationships, I choose to be mindful to recognize that gift.

People who come to us for a reason could be doctors, teachers, housekeepers, lawyers, beauticians, salespeople, and anybody who joins us for a specific purpose.  We don’t necessarily need to create a long-term or close personal relationship with these people, but we can make a positive difference in each other’s lives. Yesterday my friend and I went out for breakfast. The person who was serving us didn’t seem happy. She didn’t make eye contact or smile. We didn’t know what was wrong, and we didn’t need to. We just smiled and spoke to her positively; she looked up and smiled. She mentioned she was having a bad day, and we knew how we interacted with her at that moment brightened how we all felt.

People who come to us for a season are close to us for a time. I experienced this often when I was doing theatre. A cast would work closely together for at least five weeks blocking and learning lines and developing characters. Then the performances went on for weeks. When the show completed its run, we’d go our separate ways. While we were together, we felt like family. That changed after the run of the show as we found a new temporary family in the next production.

People who come to us for a lifetime become extended family as we develop those relationships. People from the reason and season categories can merge into our lives for the long term. I have special friends in this category all the way from high school to now. We don’t have to see each other often but always reside in each other’s hearts. When my husband was terminally ill, a friend from high school showed up who I hadn’t seen for many years. She saw I needed support and moved in with me and helped me care for him. Her companionship and assistance were priceless.

In reflecting on the people who have been and are significant in your life, think about ways you can enhance those relationships. How can you share joy with those you love? I am grateful for those who are always there to support and guide me on my way, and I am grateful to do the same for them.

Who can you share some comfort, support, and love with today?

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here