healthy coping mechanisms

The Rhythm Reminders

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Our lives are full of rhythm. I have vivid memories of the sounds from my husband’s hospital bedside. The Darth Vader sounds from the Bi-Pap machine got me in touch with the constant rhythm of the breathing it forced. There were always call light alarms from other patients in the hallway seeking the attention of the scurrying nurses. The cardiac monitor’s rhythmic beeps were comforting with their assurance of his life. And each time the alarms on the monitor went off, a new wave of terror would ensue. What this it? Is this the time his heart would stop?

The constant sounds would alternate between keeping us awake and lulling us to sleep. Each of us responded in our own ways to the constant noise. Hearing his heartbeats beep, beep, beep from the monitor provided the assurance that he was still alive and not in immediate danger, but the screech of the alarms never stopped the panic that happened each time they went off.

Eventually, each time we visited the hospital, the rhythms became regular long enough for us to go home again. Home was so silent that we played music to distract us from the lack of sound. In bed, l loved to rest my head on his chest to listen to the reassurance of his breaths and heartbeats.

I was with both of my husbands at the moments of their transition. I witnessed their last breaths know that their hearts had stopped beating when their lungs stopped. The silence was deafening.

At home by myself, there was no more rhythm to check for. I so missed to life we shared. I started playing music most of the time I was awake, unknowingly seeking that rhythm of life. JS Bach’s concertos, fugues, and airs brought me peace. Air on a G String was especially grounding for me. I still listen to it when I am seeking peace.

I remembered hearing about EFT which stands for Emotional Freedom Technique tapping.  I researched it on the Internet and tried it out. EFT is an alternative treatment for physical and emotional pain, so tried it, and it helped.  Focusing of the rhythm of the taps of my fingers and moving those taps to different parts of my body spread the comfort.

Djembe drumming also assuaged the pain of the loss that crept into my daily life. I can easily sit and drum in my back yard, or when I want the solace of companionship, I can always take my djembe to a drum circle. Nobody taught me how to drum. I learned as I followed along with others who were drumming.

Rhythm is a constant reminder of our humanity. When the rhythm of our bodies finally becomes still, the rhythm of the living keeps on. Get in sync with your rhythm and move forward.

 

This links to JS Bach’s Air in G    https://youtu.be/5AaTCs7ulgg

This links to comforting drumming  https://youtu.be/LznxZDX7fo4

This links to more information about EFT.   https://www.healthline.com/health/eft-tapping#research

 

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Do You Remember?

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On September 21, my son was playing the song September by Earth Wind and Fire.  He asked me if I knew the song, and I said, “Oh yes.”  Here are some of the lyrics:

Do you remember, 21st night of September?
Love was changing the mind of pretenders
While chasing the clouds away
Our hearts were ringing
In the key that our souls were singing
As we danced in the night . . . .

My thoughts are with you

Holding hands with your heart to see you  . . . .

Remember
How we knew love was here to stay . . . .

You can find all the lyrics here: Lyrics to September by Earth Wind and Fire

Video for September Earth Wind and Fire

 

I have started writing what I dream about first thing when I get up, and this morning it happened again.  I had a good dream during the night, and when I went to write about it, it just wouldn’t come back to me.  Then this song popped into my head, especially when he said, do you remember?

Memory is such a funny thing.  My 50-year-old son recently saw an oleander plant and he told me about when he was in preschool and he and his friends hid in an big oleander plant, and he couldn’t understand why the adults got upset with him because he knew he wouldn’t be eating the plant since he knew it was poison. He was four years old then. And he remembers that now.

I always thought that young children could remember more since their brains weren’t all filled up with a lifetime of experiences yet. So maybe I am just running out of room to store things. I know now though that I do want to remember precious experiences. And I have learned that the process of writing down what I want to remember is a great way to deal with that.  When I write out a memory, I know longer must rely on my over-filled brain to retrieve that memory I want to think about.  I find comfort in knowing that I can just turn to what I write whenever I want to, and the memories come right back.

The more details I put when my writing my memories, the more vivid they become.  I can go back now and look at things I wrote in my journal and see the intensity of my feelings then while also feeling the significance of how far I have come. The things I wrote led me to teach others dealing with grief and loss to write to deal with what they are experiencing and led me to write my book. Writing your memories is a powerful method of self-care. And after you write them, you can choose to do what you wish with what your write.

Reading my own memories that I recorded in my journal, always bring me back to love: the love I have for my loved owns who died and the love I have for the people I guide to write their own memories.

In answer to the questions “Do you remember?” my answer is that I hope you do. Write down those special memories today before they fade from those crowed corners of your mind.

 

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

What’s Your Choice?

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When my husband Ron died, I felt somewhat lost. The first few weeks were as difficult as you could imagine. I felt very alone and adrift, like I was floating through a fog where nothing made sense.  When I started to come around after that, I remembered how sad I was for a long time after my husband Jacques died. I realized that I did not want to experience that again, so I started journaling about what I could do differently, and that led me to see that I wasn’t sure what my purpose in life was anymore.

Not feeling a purpose was a big realization for me.  I knew that if I had a focus, something I could strive for or actively do, I could start to rise up from the sad place where I had been spending my time.  The challenge was what would I focus on?  I started with little things first. I decided to spend less time watching Hallmark movies on television. I hadn’t watched many before this time, and I found that they could be on, and I didn’t need to pay attention because they all had the same basic plot, so I knew how they’d end. When I realized that, I saw that spending my time that way wasn’t serving me.

I started spending lots of time journaling asking myself what I could be doing.  I wrote long lists of people I loved and who loved me, and of things I am grateful for. I wrote something about each person and each thing I was loved and was grateful for, and that helped lift the gloom. Then I tried making a list of things I could do, of what could be my purpose. I wrote lots of details about each item on those lists. The more I wrote, the more I could see that what was missing for me them was human contact.  The more I sat by myself, the lonelier I became. Now that wasn’t me! I love people. I love to have conversations and discover how I could support the people I loved. I started reaching out.

I asked friends over to visit and I signed up for art classes where I could meet new people. All that helped, but the one thing missing was being able to talk to anyone who also was dealing with loss, or at least telling me they were dealing with loss.  I realized how much my writing was helping me in dealing with my grief, so I decided to ask people to come write through grief with me. Since I didn’t know anyone who was currently dealing with grief, I got brave and created a Meet-Up group and asked people to join me. And they did! Every person who showed up did not know me or anyone else in the group, and we quickly bonded over writing and drinking iced tea.

Discovering the joy that came from meeting new people and getting to help them at the same time was just what I needed to pull me forward. Together we supported each other so we all started feeling better.  I am grateful that I chose to reach out and make a change in my life that serves me so well. All of this led me forward to write my book, Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief, and to find many different ways to provide comfort, support, love and happiness to people who are grieving or dealing with loss.

My choices through each step of this process all served me. Each choice I made opened me up more to new possibilities in my life and to the realization that all I am doing is based on the conscious choices I have been making. I love what I am doing now, and I make a special effort to pay attention to all of my choices which help me to now be happier than I have ever been!

Your choices can bring happiness to you too. What choices are you making today?

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Untold Stories

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I had the most wonderful experience this last week. My husband Jacques’s son and his wife delivered triplets almost 21 years ago, and though we met them the day they were born, and we have been in contact with them throughout the years, I hadn’t had a chance to know them individually.  One of the triplets, Sydney, graduated from college this spring, so I invited her to come to Maui for a week and stay with me to celebrate. I am so grateful I had the inspiration to do this because our week was magical.

She had never been to Hawaii before, so we did some of the usual things people do when they come to visit like go snorkeling, walk on the beach, go to a luau, and go to Mama’s Fish House for a delicious meal. And the rest of the time we spent visiting and getting to know each other. She attended my Writing Together Through Grief Zoom meeting and my Intention Setting Group on Zoom with me. She also got to attend my Produce Share that I do once a week so share the bounty of our gardens with neighbors. We went to Farmer’s Market together and bought some plants that we planted when we got home. We helped my friend Sharon feed her ten new puppies supplemental feedings. She is very creative, so I taught her how to weave including setting up my loom, measuring yarn, all the way to a finished project she could take home.  And because her Grandpa was half Italian and we had a tradition of making pasta from scratch for holidays, I taught her how to make pasta.

All these adventures were great, but what I enjoyed most was telling her stories of her Grandpa’s life. She was very young when he died, so she didn’t really get to know him. I told her everything I could think of starting with driving from San Francisco, where we were for my son’s wedding, to Los Angles on the day they were born. Her Grandpa was so excited! I shared how well respected her Grandpa was in the field of Ethics and Philosophy, what a talented singer and actor he was, how happy he was, and how he loved his life.

One evening she asked if I had pictures I could show her, so as we went through a big box, every picture inspired another story for me to tell her. One of my favorite stories was from a picture of her Grandpa standing with Mung, the man who had translated Jacques’s Ethics book into Chinese. Mung was visiting us from China because he wanted to meet the man who wrote the book that was used at the Institute of Philosophy in Beijing to help establish China’s ethical system after the Chinese Cultural Revolution. Jacques was holding his book in Chinese, and Mung was holding the book in English. Sydney had learned Chinese in high school, so I had given her the Chinese book when she graduated. She went on to graduate from college with a double major in Chinese and World Cultural Studies.

We went through the pictures for hours with each picture bringing more memories.  I told her to take any of the pictures she wanted home with her, and she was thrilled. We also noticed Jacques’ sparkling smile in almost every picture. We were so happy together! I am grateful that I got to share all these memories with her, so her Grandpa now became a loving memory in her heart too.

Be sure to share your memories with your loved ones while you can.

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

A Different Way to Deal With Grief

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Ron transitioned 4 years ago today, so I am thinking about him lots. Fortunately, I journal every day, so I can go back through my journals and read about special times we had together and great accomplishments we shared.  I find myself losing memories that have held a special place in my heart, and I am sure I haven’t recorded everything I would like to have. I am writing more every day to I can access those special memories I love.

I do write to Ron whenever I yearn to feel close to him, and today is an ideal day for that. I will write a letter just as if he would be receiving it in the mail from me. I always start with expressing the depths of my love and my gratitude for our life together. I tell him about what I am doing, and I ask him for guidance, inspiration, and advice.  After I complete the letter, I write a letter from him back to me.  I don’t think about what I am going to say, rather I just let the words flow, and I am always grateful that he answers all the questions that I have.

This form of writing is called Automatic Writing. I learned about it long ago, and I have been learning much more lately.  This letter writing technique is a favorite of the people who join me in my Writing Through Grief groups. They love it because they can ask questions they didn’t get to while their loved one was still here with them, and they are touched and helped by the replies.

I can’t tell you for sure where those return letters come from. They could be coming from memories stored in my heart or mind, or they could be coming from beyond where your loved one now resides. And some feel that the letters come from God. Where they come from isn’t as significant as the fact that they do come. All you need to do is to be open to the idea that this communication happens, then write whatever you want to.

I just finished reading the book The Automatic Writing Experience (AWE) by Michael Sandler. I highly recommend this book. It has taken my journaling to a much deeper place, and I easily write more every day. And while it helps, you really don’t need training to do this.  All you need is an open heart, an open mind, a pen, and something to write on.

This writing experience has brought me much comfort. I hope it will for you, too. Please tell me of your experiences with this.

Write on!

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

What Brings You Comfort? 

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I’ve been thinking about comfort a lot lately. About ten years ago, I was having difficulty sleeping because of pain I had in my shoulder and hip. We had a relatively new mattress, but I could not get comfortable. My doctor suggested a specific type of mattress topper, and it brought tremendous relief.

Now, all these years later, I realized that the top was deteriorating, and I was sinking deeper and deeper into the bed. I have been putting off doing anything about it because this is the bed I shared with Ron. That was a special, sacred place we shared every night. As my sleep has been more and more difficult, I finally decided to buy a new mattress just for me.

Shopping was a little challenging for me. I finally asked myself how it served me to stay in my old bed, and I realized it was time for me to move forward. In the store, I felt like Goldilocks. My salesperson did an assessment to determine which mattress would serve me best. As I tried one mattress after another, there was an issue with each one: too hard, too soft, too hot.  Finally, I reached the mattress that was considered the perfect one for me, and it was. And I happily bought it.

I realized that my salesperson was building me up toward this mattress as she moved me from one mattress to the next. And when I peacefully relaxed into the mattress especially determined for me, I realized that the process was worth the effort. This got me thinking about the process of finding comfort while grieving.  Each experience I have while grieving leads me to the next one. Some things that felt so painful at the beginning of my loss are things I barely notice now. And I am grateful for that.

I made a list of things that bring me comfort that contains things like visiting with a friend, enjoying nature, going for a walk, reading, and listening to music I enjoy.  I see that I don’t rely on someone else to bring me comfort, and that I can find comfort in most situations.  The more I accept the responsibility for living my best life, the happier I am.

Now when I start to feel uncomfortable, I look at why I am feeling that way and turn it around to focus on why I do feel comfortable right now.  Sometimes I turn to writing to help with this challenge. I can tell you one thing I know for sure; I can’t wait for the comfort I will experience tonight after my mattress is delivered this afternoon!

I encourage you to look for and then appreciate the comfort you experience, no matter what direction it comes from!

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.