healthy coping mechanisms

Signs

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Most grievers experience signs that remind them of their loved ones. A sign can come from a sweet memory, a fragrance, a favorite song, a remembered idiosyncrasy, or unique experience. I frequently see, hear, or feel what seems to be signs from my loved ones who have died.

On a beautiful day in Maui, my husband Ron and I were sitting outside on our lanai when he told me there would come a time that whenever I saw a butterfly, saw our wedding date, heard our song, or smelled cigar smoke I would know he was near. All these things have happened to me, and because of that, I have started experiencing things that I consider to be signs from other loved ones of mine who have transitioned.

Several months after Ron’s death, I was having a hard time. I had signed up to take an art class, but I was feeling teary and talking myself out of going. Then a butterfly arrived. I took a deep breath and knew I had to take good care of me. Then another butterfly appeared, and another, and another.

I went out to my car and there were more. I had heard of butterflies migrating before, but it didn’t seem possible for this to happen in Hawaii. As I drove to my class, the butterflies swarmed my car. When I got there, they all flew off together, and not one had stuck to my car. This spectacular show just had to be orchestrated by Ron.

Ron and I had been together for 4 years, and he had asked me to marry him more than once, but I was hesitant. After Jacques died, I didn’t think I would ever be able to get married again. Then on December 26, 2010, I realized that New Year’s Day would be 1/1/11. I told Ron about that date and said wouldn’t that be a cool day to get married.  He immediately said yes and that he would make the arrangements. Though we had less than a week, the wedding was beautiful. Now I see the number 1111 often and I always say, “Hi Baby” and smile.

I have rarely smelled cigar smoke, but I do hear our song often. Stevie Wonder’s song “As” shows up often, and always at times I crave comfort. “As” was the theme song for a commercial so I heard it often for a while. When the show Blackish came to an end on tv, I was reminiscing about how Ron and I watched it together and we had deep conversations about the significant themes the show dealt with. I was emotional watching the finale, feeling like it was one more thing I was going to miss. Then for the grand finale, the whole cast came out with the song “As.” I guess I just needed to have a deep cry time then.

I have lots of signs for other people too.  For my husband Jacques, it’s hearing the song “My Funny Valentine” or just smelling Italian food.  For Daddy, it’s ice cream and sirens. For mom it’s chicken fried steak, tamale pie, and solitaire. For my sister Linda, it’s tea and bees. There’s a special sign or two for every loved one I’m grieving.

What are your signs? Do certain things trigger smiles, tears, and memories? Pay attention to those signs when you recognize them and take a breath, take a moment, smile when you can, and remember the special kind of love you shared with your loved one who is remembering you.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

Plans

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I remember a quote I learned while studying literature at the university by Scottish poet Robert Burns: “The best said plans of mice and men /Gang aft a-gley. Translated, that is “Often go awry.” In the case of people dealing with the death of a loved one, that could be changed to “Always go awry.”

We all have hopes, dreams, and plans for our future, but when the person you planned to be with in that future is no longer with you, the plans won’t be the same. My husband Jacques and I lived in the same city for 23 years. We always talked about where we would travel to and where we could move to for different experiences, but those plans were never realized. He retired long before his mother died, and since she was in her 90’s, we didn’t feel comfortable be far away. By the time she died, his health prevented us from following our dreams.

When I found myself alone, I thought of those conversations we had and felt that I couldn’t travel or move alone. I am sure that my life experience would have been different if I had the courage to follow those dreams alone. Instead, I found that everything was different for me. Although I had realized that my husband what dying, I didn’t make any plans for living alone.

I had planned to stay in the house where we lived all those years, but I moved to a much smaller place. I had to figure out how to find that new house, how to purchase it on my own, how to pay my bills, and how to find a job. Fortunately, that all worked out well for me, yet I still felt in limbo for a long time.

I had not planned on dating and getting married again. Then I met Ron, and everything changed. Ron taught me mindfulness, living in the moment. When his health was declining, he guided us to move to Maui.  He lived there before I knew him, and he somehow knew that it would be a beautiful, loving, supporting place for me to be as I adjusted to life without him. He did not have life insurance or assets that I would inherit, but to move to Hawaii, we sold that house for almost double what we paid for it after living there for only four years.  That allowed me to be secure financially, and I fell in love with living there for so many reasons.

When you find yourself on your own, you will be grieving not only for your loved ones, but for the plans and future you had looked forward to. You may find yourself having difficulty making decisions about all you need to do. Often you wonder what to do, what direction your life will take you. After Ron died, my biggest challenge was discovering what my new life’s purpose would be. I journaled to consider what was next for me. I wrote Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief to help and support people dealing with loss sharing what I learned in the process of my grieving.  Through all my writing, I discovered that my purpose was to guide others through the maze of grief as they create their new lives.

What new plans are you making? What’s your purpose now? In the words of American poet Mary Oliver “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life.”

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

Waiting

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Monday I was scheduled to take a flight to a neighboring island. I arrived at the airport at noon, and I arrived at my destination at 8 PM. The actual flight took 25 minutes. While we did board the jet on time, that’s where the waiting started. Most of my day was spent waiting. In the past I know I would have been antsy and impatient, worrying about when I would arrive, if I would miss what I was taking the trip for, and everything else my busy mind would come up with. I noticed people getting angry, missing flights, and complaining endlessly.

As I sat in the jet on the tarmac waiting to take off, time seemed to slow down. My mind did wander to the reports I had heard of jets rapidly losing altitude causing injuries after they took off from our airport, but as soon as I noticed that was where my mind was going, I changed my thoughts. I was traveling with a friend, and we had time for a long, wonderful conversation. After a couple of hours waiting, we had to deplane. There was chaos in the waiting area, and much more waiting before we boarded a different flight and took off.

As I listened to all the angry people, I found myself smiling and thinking how grateful I was that our initial flight didn’t take off discovering the mechanical problem while we were in the air. The positive thinking I do now is such a gift. I am grateful to not be going down those rabbit holes I used to travel being overwhelmed by the what-if’s. I had other instances of waiting on my short trip, and I observed many seemingly bored people glued to their phones in need of constant stimulation. I do use my phone as my hand-held computer, but I do less and less of that which feels freeing, and I am not constantly driven to do something.

I used my waiting time on my short trip to quietly daydream, exploring ideas I could write about in this blog. I also thought of creations I would like to draw and photographs I’d like to take. I thought of places I could travel and friends I’d like to make. My gratitude flowed as I thought how lovely my yard has become and how much I love where I live. I ended up feeling grateful for this waiting time. I was relaxed and inspired and smiling when I arrived home.

When grieving, waiting can be detrimental. People wait for their front door to be opened by their loved one even when they know that can’t happen. They wait for the phone to ring. They wait for the time to pass until they will feel better. They wait for their life to change. They wait to join their dearly departed loved ones.  So much waiting can lead to sadness and depression. If you notice this is happening with you, you can take steps to rise up from this rut.  While you don’t have to be constantly busy, making constructive use of your time will help you focus on what is good and lovely about your life.

How do you handle your waiting time?

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

Expecting

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I used to love the word hope. I would hope for world peace, for kindness in our country, for neighbors to sell their loud motorbikes, for my house to always be picked up.

I could hope for so many things wanting them to come true, but I started to see that things I hoped for didn’t happen. On the other hand, when I am expecting things, they do happen.

When we say that someone is expecting a baby, we automatically know that baby is on its way. When someone says she hopes to have a baby someday, that may or may not happen.  I have learned when something is important to me, it will happen. I expected to earn a master’s degree, and I did. I didn’t hope to get good grades. I went to all my classes and did my best on all the assignments because I expected good grades.

World peace would be amazing, but that would require everyone in the world to also want world peace, and there will always be people who thrive on chaos and control, and as long as those people exist, world peace isn’t possible. Can you hope for world peace? Absolutely. Can things get better than they are now? Yes to that too. Individually doing things that create peace can lead us all in the direction of peace, and we can individually or in groups do what fosters peace and make the world a better place.

Expecting my neighbors sell their motorbikes is unrealistic. They have them because they love that noise. Instead of hope, I focus on knowing they will get a job somewhere far away, and they will take their bikes with them when they move. While I can’t create something to happen for someone else, I can smile when I just know that their dream job is out there waiting for them.

When it comes to an orderly house, that is entirely possible. All I must do is keep it picked up. This is very possible, though sometimes I need to remind myself.

What does all this have to do with grief and happiness? When you expect that each day will be better, even if just a little bit, each day will be better. When you expect to be happy, you allow yourself to smile and to participate in things that bring you joy. When people tell me that they can’t see how someone dealing with grief can be happy, I explain to them that when you expect happiness in your life, you will discover that reasons to be happy already are present in your life. The key is to recognize what they are and act on them.

I am grieving and I am happy.  I am happy when I read a good book or watch a good movie.  I am happy when I prepare a tasty, healthy meal for me to eat.  I am happy when I say or do something that makes someone else smile. The more I focus on happiness, the more happiness I attract into my life.

What brings you happiness? Try expecting to be happy and see where that takes you. I see lots more smiles on your lovely face are on their way! Enjoy them! And expect a lot more!

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

Selflessness

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Often when I talk to people who are dealing with loss, they tell me that their sense of purpose is no longer clear to them. Everything in their lives seems different and they find themselves examining what they should do next.  I know I did. I had spent all my time with my husband before his transition, then I felt alone and lost.

I took much needed time to not do anything for a few weeks. I felt like I couldn’t even think. Gradually, I started reflecting on where I was in life, and where I might want to be. The thoughts seemed to get jumbled in my head, so I started writing them in my journal.  The more I wrote, the more I had to think about. I realized at that time that this kind of writing could be helpful to others who are also dealing with grief.

I started facilitating writing groups at my home where we would write about things related to what was going on in our lives while we were grieving. I loved participating in the conversations we had after we wrote. Solemn faces began to smile, and conversations became animated. I saw a glimpse of what would become my life’s purpose. The grieving soul can be lonely and could benefit greatly from the comfort and support that would come from exploring thoughts and feelings in writing, and then having someone to talk about what was written.

This experience led me to facilitate grief writing groups which evolved into the Grief and Happiness Alliance. I saw how important it was for us to deal with all that is related to grief, and that it was essential to not dwell just there, but to also discover the importance of happiness at this time. The instant when I felt that allowed me to implement my new life’s purpose of helping others through their grief leading them to find ways to be happy while in the process.

The more people I worked with, the more I heard them question their life’s purpose and it most often was finding a way to help others. Life is filled with opportunities where support is desired or necessary, and coupling these opportunities with something you are passionate about leads to a beautiful life’s purpose you can’t wait to fulfill.

The selfless acts of playing the piano or singing at a rest home where visitors are infrequent combines the passion for music with the service of a performance. Reading children’s stories to youngsters gathered at a library combines a passion for reading with the service of caring for the children. Listening to or simply sitting with a friend who is grieving combines your compassion with your love of service. When you consider the things which you are passionate about, you most likely can find a way to bring together service and passion. This is true selflessness.

What is your life’s purpose right now?

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

 

Fishing in the Wrong Pond

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I heard someone say the other day that she was fishing in the wrong pond, and that reminded me of going with my parents to Oregon to visit my aunt and uncle so that my father could go salmon fishing in the ocean with his brother-in-law. I wasn’t allowed to go out on the boat with them, so I would wait on the shore watching the big waves and anticipating having a luscious big fish on the bar-b-q for dinner. They always seemed to go to the perfect spot to fish, and always came back with a bounty.

Being in the right place at the right time leaves room for finding exactly what you want. With fishing, you are more likely to succeed if you go where you know the fish usually hang out instead of to a pond that may be pretty, but you never heard of anyone catching fish there. I think of this in relation to discovering who you want to be around when you are dealing with grief.

Someone told me of a grief group she attended where many tears were shed at every meeting, and I knew that wasn’t the place for me. But it was the right place for those who regularly went to that group. On Maui, I went to a Death Café. The idea intrigued me, and when a friend invited me, I went with her. We met at a Mexican restaurant, ate nachos, and shared our stories. The group was warm and inviting, and the people who attended were working with grief related to a variety of reasons. I made friends there and did return.

A place you can make new friends who are also grieving is the Grief and Happiness Alliance. I facilitate this group which meets every week. We write on a different topic each week, then we talk about what we wrote. And then we learn happiness practices.  I love this positive, creative group where I’ve made great new friends. There is no charge for these meetings because we are supported by the Grief and Happiness Nonprofit Organization.

You can come to the meetings by registering here: Grief and Happiness Alliance 

Another place you can attend is Dialogue on Death and Dying provided by the Transform Myself Ministry of Unity Church. I am on a panel of four people with different backgrounds who meet once a month to discuss anything related to death and dying. We meet on Zoom and people come to see us by getting a ticket on EventBright. The four of us talk, then we break into smaller groups to have more in depth conversations. Every month the discussion is different, and you can make new friends there too.

You can sign up to attend here: Dialogue on Death and Dying

Ask around in your community to see what is available in person there. You can also find groups for a variety if things where you live on MeetUp. Try something new like a Pickle Ball group or a reading group.

Find MeetUp in your Community: MeetUp

The key is to find the fishing hole that works for you. Having people to talk to is so important, as is just having fun! The key is to do something. You are not going to find that big fish in your living room. Find your own, special fishing pond.

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here