grieving

Change, Change, Change

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The ancient Greek philosopher Heraclitus was credited with the concept of “the only thing certain is change,” so this concept seems to have been around forever. I was in high school in 1965 when the Byrds song Turn, Turn, Turn came out, and it helped me through some tough times. I had some of the normal challenges in high school that made me sad, frustrated, or afraid. When I realized this was happening, I would listen to Turn, Turn, Turn and my feelings would soften as I realized that I may be feeling them now, but soon everything would be different. And whatever it was I was dealing with always changed.

No matter where you are in your grief process, knowing that you won’t be stuck there can make a huge difference in how you feel. If you do feel stuck, here are some ideas to use to help you move forward:

  • Write in your journal
    • Write all about what is making you feel stuck. Then write your ideas of what you could do to make a change. Then do what you came up with. For instance, if you cry every time you see the picture of your loved one, try putting the picture in another room you don’t go in as often.
  • Enjoy nature
    • When you find yourself sitting in the same place in your home all the time, go outside. You could pick some flowers, work in your garden, go for a walk, or just sit in a chair outside. Try doing something a little different each time.
  • Talk to someone
    • Often, we tend to isolate while grieving, and most likely, there is someone out there who would love to talk to you. Think about that and text someone to invite them out for coffee, or lunch, or to come to your home. Then just talk about anything you want to.
  • Do something creative
    • Do something you like to do like bake a pie, paint a picture, take a class about an art activity you haven’t tried before, learn to crochet, or build a chicken coup. Have fun with whatever you choose.
  • Take a class
    • What have you always wanted to learn? Learn a new language. Learn how to volunteer in your community. Learn about a country you would like to travel to. Learn to dance. Learn to play chess.
  • Attend a grief group.
    • There are many kinds of grief groups like the traditional ones at Hospice, or Death Café, or groups for widows, or groups for child loss, or groups for different types of therapy. Do some research for what is available in your community or maybe your doctor has some suggestions.

The most important thing to remember is that however you feel right now will change. The more you allow yourself to change, to think differently, to notice how life is changing around you constantly, the more open you become to change, the more change you can experience. Let go of any resistance to change. Take a deep breath and open yourself to experiencing each day is better than the day before even if it is just a little bit.

 

Grief and Happiness Alliance

[email protected]

You can listen to my Grief and Happiness podcast here or anyplace you listen to podcasts.

Excuses

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When anyone asks me what the most important thing to do while grieving is, I always respond “Self-care.” Generally, taking good care of ourselves while we are focused on the barrage of things that hit us during grief is the last thing we have on our minds. And if we do think of it, excuses on why not to pay attention to our personal needs often block our way. We turn to excuses like “I am too tired,” “I don’t have the energy,” or even “I just don’t care.” All these responses don’t serve us and just make the situation worse. The good news is by eliminating excuses for not doing what would help you feel better, you can start feeling better.

If you are saying “I’m too tired,” ask yourself if you really are tired. If you really are tired, take a nap or cuddle up in a cozy chair and read a good book. Grieving takes lots of energy, and resting may be just what you need.

If you are saying “I don’t have the energy,” ask yourself why you don’t have the energy. Ironically, the less you do, the more out of energy you can feel. When you feel your energy drain, try going for a walk, or doing some laundry, or clean out a drawer you’ve been meaning to.  Doing things like this may inspire you to do other things you might enjoy like picking some flowers, baking some cookies, or watching a movie you’ve wanted to see. Doing what you love to do can generate more energy.

If you are saying “I just don’t care,” pay attention to that. Caring for yourself is so important, and that’s something only you can do. What would you love to do that could help you shift your focus? If you really don’t care, you may be slipping into depression.  If that is the case, make an appointment with your doctor or a counselor. Help is available.

Pay attention to what you say. Excuses never serve you. If you find yourself trying to justify  what you are saying and what you aren’t doing, try restating your thoughts to take them in a more positive direction.

Eliminating excuses from your life can make room for more happiness. Enjoy!

 

Grief and Happiness Alliance

[email protected]

You can listen to my Grief and Happiness podcast here or anyplace you listen to podcasts.

Will You?

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Will you?

August was Make a Will month. If you don’t already have a Will, this is a perfect time to make one. If you do have a Will, now is a good time to check it and see if it needs any updates. And be sure that who you have chosen as an executor knows where your Will is and how grateful you are for their kindness in giving you the peace of mind that comes with knowing your affairs will be taken care of.

While having a Will is essential, there is so much more to end of life planning. Looking ahead to all you would like to accomplish in your lifetime can help you plan and live your very best life. Waiting till the last minute and thinking, “Oh, I so wish I would have . . .”  can be disappointing, so I have a solution for you! Sherry Richert Belul has written a great new book, The Love List of a Lifetime, which comes out this November.

The Love List of a Lifetime includes everything that would be wonderful to have completed in your lifetime.  Just to show you how complete this book is, I am including the Table of contents:

The Love List of a Lifetime

Section 1: These Actions Are Your Legacy of Love

Love Will Guide the Way

Medical and Financial Must-Have Forms

It’s Time to Bring Others into Your Legacy Plan

Celebrate All of Your Hard Work

Section 2: Care and Comforts During Illness

We Just Keep Doing Our Best, No Matter What

Loving Yourself As You Navigate Illness

Preparing Comforts in Advance, Just in Case

Loving Others As You Navigate Illness

Setting Intentions Now for Who You Want to Be

Section 3: When I’m Gone: First Things First

This Is Where Your Hard Work Eases the Path

A Loving Note to Friends or Family Who Are Reading This After You’ve Passed

Taking Time to Plan Out These Three Things Will Make All the Difference for    Your Loved Ones

Celebrate These Loving Decisions

Section 4: Matters of Money, Household, and Your Family’s Future

You Are a Family Superhero for Tackling All of This

These Four Steps Will Offer a Sigh of Relief for You and Your Loved Ones

Section 5: The Art of Decluttering and Memory Keeping Before You’re Gone

I’m on This Journey, Too!

Memory Keeping

Decluttering to Lighten Your Life—and Make It Easy on Your Loved Ones

Celebrate All of Your Hard Work

Section 6: Life Lessons and Wisdom I’d Like to Pass On to My Loved Ones

You Have Already Left a Beautiful Footprint on This Planet

Sharing Your Life Story

Relishing Your Memories and Experiences Is a Gift

Celebrate Your Life

Section 7: True Legacy: Last Love Lists

The Love You Leave Behind

One of the Most Meaningful Practices You Can Do

Time for You to Celebrate Yourself!

Section 8: There’s Still Time

As Long as We Are Alive, We Can Connect, Grow, and Change

  1. There’s Still Time to Be Grateful and to Feel Fulfilled
  2. There’s Still Time for Deeper, More Loving Relationships
  3. There’s Still Time for Our Health and Well-Being
  4. There’s Still Time to Connect to the Great Sumpthin’ Sumpthin’
  5. There’s Still Time for Discovery and Adventure
  6. There’s Still Time to Tie Up Loose Ends
  7. There’s Still Time to Leave a Loving Legacy—in Each and Every Moment You Have
  8. There’s Still Time to Experience Countless Moments of Simple Joy

Celebration

Conclusion

Resource Directory

Going through this book together would be a great family activity or to do with a friend. Reading and considering the subject matter and answering the questions is a life affirming experience. I plan on getting several copies for Christmas presents because everyone should have a copy. I hope you do too!

You can pre-order your copies of The Love List of a Lifetime: YOUR ESSENTIAL END-OF-LIFE PLANNER with Practical Notes and Instructions for the Loved Ones You Leave Behind now at this link: https://a.co/d/8oIO8A0

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Emily Thiroux Threatt email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my Grief and Happiness podcast here or anyplace you listen to podcasts.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

What Do You See?

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Grief affects our perspective. I have a beautiful view from the lanai at the back of my house. I looked across the island of Maui to the West Maui Mountains crowned by pure white clouds. I looked at the valley that bisects the island. I gazed at my glorious garden of tropical plants and bananas. Yet what I saw was the empty chair next to mine where my husband used to sit. Everything else felt abstract and superficial. That empty comfortable yard chair is where he spent so many hours communicating, helping others, reading, meditating, smoking a cigar, or gazing at me as I looked back with love. That chair brought me longing, loneliness, and change.

As time has gone by, I still imagine him sitting there, sharing wise words, bringing forth my smile and wonder. And I also reflect on the strength that I have grown into. When he first died, I didn’t recognize myself in the mirror. And I didn’t remember what my smile looked like. Gradually, I have come to see the woman I am becoming. As I have learned the importance of focusing on positivity, joy, gratitude, self-care, and self-love, I am happier now than I ever have been.

When I look at his chair now, I see memories of a beautiful relationship and deep love. When I look in the mirror now, I see peace, contentment, and love.

Henry David Thoreau said, “It’s not what you look at, but what you see.”  And I say what you see is who you are becoming.

Who are you becoming?

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Emily Thiroux Threatt email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my Grief and Happiness podcast here or anyplace you listen to podcasts.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Hugs

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When I was a little girl, I loved going to visit my grandmother because she gave me such sweet hugs. She always smelled like her carnation toilet water, and her soft, strong arms made me feel loved and secure. However, she was my only source for hugs. I did not see other people hugging. My parents held hands, but I didn’t see them hugging. The only time I remember my mother hugging me was when I was distraught over the miscarriage I had.

I finally started giving and receiving hugs from my husband Jacques’s Italian family. I felt a part of his family with all those hugs and kisses on my cheek. They didn’t have to know someone to greet them with a hug and a smile. What a wonderful feeling. I still am challenged in initiating a hug, but I definitely hug back when someone hugs me. And I feel the benefits of sharing hugs.

“Virginia Satir, a world-renowned family therapist, is famous for saying ’We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.’” That sounds so wonderful, yet when we are grieving, often no one is there to share a hug with. I have taught myself to reach out to people when they are sad. I start with something not as intimate as a hug, like sitting next to them, putting my hand on their shoulder, or holding their hand. You can feel the positive energy flowing between you.

Research indicates that there are many benefits from hugging, like:

  • Protecting your heart
  • Reducing your stress
  • Increasing your happiness
  • Enhancing your relationships
  • Promoting better sleep
  • Improving your mood and relationships
  • And many more

How do you feel when you give or get a hug?  Human touch is a vital part of being alive, and touching animals is also beneficial. I love when my neighbor brings her dog to visit me. He loves to be petted, and I love to pet him.  I don’t remember the last time I was around a cat until last week.  I visited a friend and her big, soft cat climbed on to my lap and started to purr. That felt so good.

Find a way to include more touch and hugs into your life. I know it will make you feel better.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Emily Thiroux Threatt email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my Grief and Happiness podcast here or anyplace you listen to podcasts.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

First Days

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I read some sage advice recently that said, “Live every day like it’s your first.” We’ve all heard that phrase using the word last instead of first, but I loved this fresh perspective.

My friend Laurelee owns and lives on Leilani Farm Sanctuary on Maui. She invited my group of friends who do watercolor paintings together to visit her new baby goats. The mama goat, named Emily in honor of her rescuer, had been abandoned, so she was brought to the farm to live. She delivered her babies the day before our visit.

There were three babies, one girl and two boys. Goats usually have only two goats at a time, so they were on the small side, and they are adorable with thick black longish fur, and one had a white patch on one ankle. So precious! Less than 24 hours old, they were frolicking around under their mother’s watchful eyes. They loved being held and petted, so we all got some goat love, but they didn’t stay in our laps long because they were having so much fun playing.

What a fabulous first day for them! Just think about what a first day would be like now for you. All the new beauty, and colors, and fragrances, and tastes as well as new experiences, and new friends. Imagine waking up in the morning and experiencing everything as brand new! There would be no fighting, no war, no lies, no hunger, just love and happiness.

When a loved one dies, we can feel like it is the end of the world for us, but it doesn’t have to be. Each day can be a new start. Yes, take the time you need to grieve, but also take time each day to notice something new or different. When you go on a walk, notice the flowers and plants along the way. Many blossoms only live a short time, but while they are blooming, they are showing off their best colors and fragrances making people who pass by smile.

Look at the world each day as a baby goat or a bright hibiscus. Smile at a stranger. Thank the person who holds a door open for you. Bag your groceries. Call a friend. Sit outside and watch the clouds float by. Take a deep breath. Read a great book. Take a long shower or bath. Make a list of new experiences you are ready to have, then start checking them off the list as you do each one.

Take good care of yourself and live every day as if it is your first.

 

Leilani Farm Sanctuary

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Emily Thiroux Threatt email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my Grief and Happiness podcast here or anyplace you listen to podcasts.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.