grief

Signs

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Most grievers experience signs that remind them of their loved ones. A sign can come from a sweet memory, a fragrance, a favorite song, a remembered idiosyncrasy, or unique experience. I frequently see, hear, or feel what seems to be signs from my loved ones who have died.

On a beautiful day in Maui, my husband Ron and I were sitting outside on our lanai when he told me there would come a time that whenever I saw a butterfly, saw our wedding date, heard our song, or smelled cigar smoke I would know he was near. All these things have happened to me, and because of that, I have started experiencing things that I consider to be signs from other loved ones of mine who have transitioned.

Several months after Ron’s death, I was having a hard time. I had signed up to take an art class, but I was feeling teary and talking myself out of going. Then a butterfly arrived. I took a deep breath and knew I had to take good care of me. Then another butterfly appeared, and another, and another.

I went out to my car and there were more. I had heard of butterflies migrating before, but it didn’t seem possible for this to happen in Hawaii. As I drove to my class, the butterflies swarmed my car. When I got there, they all flew off together, and not one had stuck to my car. This spectacular show just had to be orchestrated by Ron.

Ron and I had been together for 4 years, and he had asked me to marry him more than once, but I was hesitant. After Jacques died, I didn’t think I would ever be able to get married again. Then on December 26, 2010, I realized that New Year’s Day would be 1/1/11. I told Ron about that date and said wouldn’t that be a cool day to get married.  He immediately said yes and that he would make the arrangements. Though we had less than a week, the wedding was beautiful. Now I see the number 1111 often and I always say, “Hi Baby” and smile.

I have rarely smelled cigar smoke, but I do hear our song often. Stevie Wonder’s song “As” shows up often, and always at times I crave comfort. “As” was the theme song for a commercial so I heard it often for a while. When the show Blackish came to an end on tv, I was reminiscing about how Ron and I watched it together and we had deep conversations about the significant themes the show dealt with. I was emotional watching the finale, feeling like it was one more thing I was going to miss. Then for the grand finale, the whole cast came out with the song “As.” I guess I just needed to have a deep cry time then.

I have lots of signs for other people too.  For my husband Jacques, it’s hearing the song “My Funny Valentine” or just smelling Italian food.  For Daddy, it’s ice cream and sirens. For mom it’s chicken fried steak, tamale pie, and solitaire. For my sister Linda, it’s tea and bees. There’s a special sign or two for every loved one I’m grieving.

What are your signs? Do certain things trigger smiles, tears, and memories? Pay attention to those signs when you recognize them and take a breath, take a moment, smile when you can, and remember the special kind of love you shared with your loved one who is remembering you.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

Plans

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I remember a quote I learned while studying literature at the university by Scottish poet Robert Burns: “The best said plans of mice and men /Gang aft a-gley. Translated, that is “Often go awry.” In the case of people dealing with the death of a loved one, that could be changed to “Always go awry.”

We all have hopes, dreams, and plans for our future, but when the person you planned to be with in that future is no longer with you, the plans won’t be the same. My husband Jacques and I lived in the same city for 23 years. We always talked about where we would travel to and where we could move to for different experiences, but those plans were never realized. He retired long before his mother died, and since she was in her 90’s, we didn’t feel comfortable be far away. By the time she died, his health prevented us from following our dreams.

When I found myself alone, I thought of those conversations we had and felt that I couldn’t travel or move alone. I am sure that my life experience would have been different if I had the courage to follow those dreams alone. Instead, I found that everything was different for me. Although I had realized that my husband what dying, I didn’t make any plans for living alone.

I had planned to stay in the house where we lived all those years, but I moved to a much smaller place. I had to figure out how to find that new house, how to purchase it on my own, how to pay my bills, and how to find a job. Fortunately, that all worked out well for me, yet I still felt in limbo for a long time.

I had not planned on dating and getting married again. Then I met Ron, and everything changed. Ron taught me mindfulness, living in the moment. When his health was declining, he guided us to move to Maui.  He lived there before I knew him, and he somehow knew that it would be a beautiful, loving, supporting place for me to be as I adjusted to life without him. He did not have life insurance or assets that I would inherit, but to move to Hawaii, we sold that house for almost double what we paid for it after living there for only four years.  That allowed me to be secure financially, and I fell in love with living there for so many reasons.

When you find yourself on your own, you will be grieving not only for your loved ones, but for the plans and future you had looked forward to. You may find yourself having difficulty making decisions about all you need to do. Often you wonder what to do, what direction your life will take you. After Ron died, my biggest challenge was discovering what my new life’s purpose would be. I journaled to consider what was next for me. I wrote Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief to help and support people dealing with loss sharing what I learned in the process of my grieving.  Through all my writing, I discovered that my purpose was to guide others through the maze of grief as they create their new lives.

What new plans are you making? What’s your purpose now? In the words of American poet Mary Oliver “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life.”

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

Selflessness

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Often when I talk to people who are dealing with loss, they tell me that their sense of purpose is no longer clear to them. Everything in their lives seems different and they find themselves examining what they should do next.  I know I did. I had spent all my time with my husband before his transition, then I felt alone and lost.

I took much needed time to not do anything for a few weeks. I felt like I couldn’t even think. Gradually, I started reflecting on where I was in life, and where I might want to be. The thoughts seemed to get jumbled in my head, so I started writing them in my journal.  The more I wrote, the more I had to think about. I realized at that time that this kind of writing could be helpful to others who are also dealing with grief.

I started facilitating writing groups at my home where we would write about things related to what was going on in our lives while we were grieving. I loved participating in the conversations we had after we wrote. Solemn faces began to smile, and conversations became animated. I saw a glimpse of what would become my life’s purpose. The grieving soul can be lonely and could benefit greatly from the comfort and support that would come from exploring thoughts and feelings in writing, and then having someone to talk about what was written.

This experience led me to facilitate grief writing groups which evolved into the Grief and Happiness Alliance. I saw how important it was for us to deal with all that is related to grief, and that it was essential to not dwell just there, but to also discover the importance of happiness at this time. The instant when I felt that allowed me to implement my new life’s purpose of helping others through their grief leading them to find ways to be happy while in the process.

The more people I worked with, the more I heard them question their life’s purpose and it most often was finding a way to help others. Life is filled with opportunities where support is desired or necessary, and coupling these opportunities with something you are passionate about leads to a beautiful life’s purpose you can’t wait to fulfill.

The selfless acts of playing the piano or singing at a rest home where visitors are infrequent combines the passion for music with the service of a performance. Reading children’s stories to youngsters gathered at a library combines a passion for reading with the service of caring for the children. Listening to or simply sitting with a friend who is grieving combines your compassion with your love of service. When you consider the things which you are passionate about, you most likely can find a way to bring together service and passion. This is true selflessness.

What is your life’s purpose right now?

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

 

Unwritten

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I watched the series And Just Like That this weekend.  It’s the continuation of Sex in the City, and I watched it because it dealt with Grief.  At the very end of the series, Carry said “And the rest is still unwritten.”  That took me right back to my early grief with Jacques when Natasha Bedingfield’s song, Unwritten, was popular. At that time, I adopted that song as my anthem.   The first words of the song are:

I am unwrittenCan’t read my mindI’m undefinedI’m just beginningThe pen’s in my handEnding unplanned

That was me.  Up until that point in my life, Jacques and I had planned things together. Of course, we knew his health was fading, but we met each day like the one before. I don’t remember ever considering that he wouldn’t always be there.  And Just Like That, he was gone.

I spent countless hours considering what I should do. I had resigned from my teaching career at the university so that I could create my huge theatre project, and I had donated all of that project into a nonprofit organization to able to stay home with Jacques. So what now?

I spent a lot of time crocheting. And daydreaming. And wondering what I could possibly do? I had lots to deal with. I lost my health insurance because I was covered under Jacques’s plan.  I was living in our four-bedroom house with a pool which I felt overwhelmed dealing with by myself. I had a drunken wife abusing next door neighbor who frightened me, and I seemed to be making up all kinds of things to be worried about. But mostly I just sat.

Then I noticed the words to Unwritten:

Reaching for something in the distanceSo close you can almost taste itRelease your inhibitionsFeel the rain on your skinNo one else can feel it for youOnly you can let it inNo one else, no one elseCan speak the words on your lipsDrench yourself in words unspokenLive your life with arms wide openToday is where your book beginsThe rest is still unwritten

With that song in my head, I started paying attention to what was real instead of what I’d been making up. I opened up to thinking about my future, realizing that I didn’t have to know exactly what I wanted it to be right then.  I could dream, I could imagine, I could desire. Everything was up to me. Seeing that the fresh grief was probably the lowest point I could go, I knew it was time to start looking up.

And I did. I let my good friend Yvonne help me shop for houses till I found the perfect place for just me. I said yes when the university invited me back to teach which also solved my insurance issue.  I learned to say yes to other invitations all for new experiences I wouldn’t have thought of on my own.

Then I knew, that was where my book began, and I planned to enjoy where my life took me. I started writing my own story right then.

Are you writing your book?

 

Unwritten Video

Unwritten Lyrics

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

The Key to Happiness

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I recently heard that the key to happiness has only five words: Do the things you love. How simple, yet profound.  I decided to make a list of things I do, or have done, that make me happy. Once I got started with my list. I couldn’t stop! I’ll share some of my list here to give you some ideas.

I love being outdoors, sitting on my lanai listening to the birds, walking on the beach where I live in Maui, watching the sunrises and sunsets from my home.

I love traveling to places like Tuscany, Bali, and Maui which led me to moving here.

I love writing so I have taught writing for many years and have written six books. Nurturing my students as their love for writing grows makes me happy.

I love cooking which led me to become a certified vegan chef, to teach cooking classes, and to entertain my friends and family. And I co-owned a café and catering company.

I love to grow food and flowers that I can share, so I created Produce Share where neighbors meet every week at my home to share the abundance of our gardens. And I joined Hawaii Farmer’s Union United so I can learn so much more about gardening in Hawaii

I have loved everything about live theatre since I first stepped on stage as Tiny Tim’s big brother in A Christmas Carol at the Barn Theater when I was in fourth grade.  I have since acted, directed, designed, produced, and have done just about everything that can be done in theatre including having my own theatre and school of arts.

I love community service and have served on many nonprofit boards and founded the Grief and Happiness Nonprofit Organization.

I love to be creative and enjoy ceramic sculpting, weaving, drawing, painting, sewing, cake decorating, jewelry making, and taking classes in all these areas.

This list is just a start.  I keep thinking of more and more things that I do that I love. Even thinking about all the things I love just gets me thinking about more things I love, and I can’t help but smile and focus on all the wonder and beauty in my life.

While life is not always rosy, when I start to feel a little down or negative, I can always add more items to my Things I Love list, and that brings me right back up.

My challenge for you today is to start your own Things I Love list.  And while it’s great to think about this, writing it down is even better, then you can always refer to and add to this list bring even more happiness into your life.

Enjoy!

 

Watch this little video My Favorite Things

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

The Magic of Kindness

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I’m sure we have all had times when we don’t feel our best for one reason or another. When that happens, we have a choice. We can remain sad, or grumpy, or just feeling bad, or we can figure out how to do something about it.

I have been under the weather for a couple of weeks. Lots of symptoms and very weak. And I have experienced loving kindness in ways I never have before. Friends check up on me by email or text. Others just say yes if I ask for anything like a ride to the doctor or to pick up medication at the drugstore.

One dear friend who has worn dreadlocks for years smiled as he told me I look rasta. I realized then that I hadn’t been combing my hair. I’ve been very weak, and looking in the mirror, I kind of panicked! I was concerned that a new very short hairstyle was in my future. I called the stylist who cuts my hair occasionally. She said not to worry.  She would come to my home and knew how to comb it out without damage. What a relief.

A dear neighbor drops by with perfect little meals for me that taste so good even when I don’t feel like eating. And a doctor friend and nurse practitioner friend each helped navigate the medical system to get me what I needed. And a minister/nurse dear friend checked on me from far away regularly for much needed moral support.

All of this was so wonderful, and I don’t know what I would do without any of it. But the real magic came when two very special people came from the Grief and Happiness Alliance Nonprofit Organization board to facilitate the meetings we have every Sunday for those dealing with loss. With no voice or energy, I could only watch from the background, and I was amazed by the compassion, support, and love all the participants shared as they reflected on their experiences with unconditional love they have had while dealing with their grief.

Humbled and in tears, I recognized the immense value of these meetings and the importance of the work we do to bring these gatherings to people at no charge. My strong intention is to spread this movement all over the world to make this loving kindness available to all.

I am deeply grateful to everyone who has been helping me along this journey. I know I will get better, and when I do, I hope you’ll join me in bringing loving kindness to all.

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

I’m sure we have all had times when we don’t feel our best for one reason or another. When that happens, we have a choice. We can remain sad, or grumpy, or just feeling bad, or we can figure out how to do something about it.

 

I have been under the weather for a couple of weeks. Lots of symptoms and very weak. And I have experienced loving kindness in ways I never have before. Friends check up on me by email or text. Others just say yes if I ask for anything like a ride to the doctor or to pick up medication at the drugstore.

 

One dear friend who has worn dreadlocks for years smiled as he told me I look rasta. I realized then that I hadn’t been combing my hair. I’ve been very weak, and looking in the mirror, I kind of panicked! I was concerned that a new very short hairstyle was in my future. I called the stylist who cuts my hair occasionally. She said not to worry.  She would come to my home and knew how to comb it out without damage. What a relief.

 

A dear neighbor drops by with perfect little meals for me that taste so good even when I don’t feel like eating. And a doctor friend and nurse practitioner friend each helped navigate the medical system to get me what I needed. And a minister/nurse dear friend checked on me from far away regularly for much needed moral support.

 

All of this was so wonderful, and I don’t know what I would do without any of it. But the real magic came when two very special people came from the Grief and Happiness Alliance Nonprofit Organization board to facilitate the meetings we have every Sunday for those dealing with loss. With no voice or energy, I could only watch from the background, and I was amazed by the compassion, support, and love all the participants shared as they reflected on their experiences with unconditional love they have had while dealing with their grief.

 

Humbled and in tears, I recognized the immense value of these meetings and the importance of the work we do to bring these gatherings to people at no charge. My strong intention is to spread this movement all over the world to make this loving kindness available to all.

 

I am deeply grateful to everyone who has been helping me along this journey. I know I will get better, and when I do, I hope you’ll join me in bringing loving kindness to all.

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by CLICKING HERE

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by CLICKING HERE

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by CLICKING HERE at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, HERE

You can order the International Best-Selling book that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by CLICKING HERE