Loss

Simple Things

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Our lives are full of things, some tangible and easily seen; others intangible and not easy to define. When a loved one dies, many tangible memories are simply left behind and may gradually lose their significance. When the time came to move, I kept that in mind so as not to release what we treasure.

I’ve always been a collector of things, so when we left our home on the mainland to move to Maui, it was a challenge to choose what to pack into the shipping container. Some things were easy to release, like duplicate kitchen utensils. My kitchen was my creative space, so I carefully examined each item I picked up. My husband’s grandmother’s biscuit cutter had to stay with us while my shiny new one went to the garage sale.

I loved my giant, heavy dining room table and chairs, but they were too big for our new home, so I was able to easily release them to the new owners of the home we were moving out of. Now I can imagine that table surrounded by new families and friends for their celebrations.

The harder things to deal with were connected to memories and people. We lived a mile from the beach and loved picking up the heart shaped rocks we would find there and bringing them home to scatter in the yard surrounding our home. Leaving those loving memories there was hard, but it was the right thing to do.

When we arrived on Maui, we discovered we still had way too many things. We both loved art, and my husband had several large paintings that didn’t really suit our house. After Ron died, I gifted them to a friend who loved them and had a perfect place to hang them.

I have become adept at releasing things, which leaves so much new space in my life. As I glance around my house, I see stained glass windows my dear friend created, and the collection of Native American flutes and African drums as well as singing bowls we loved to play. There are so many wonderful memories there. Pictures of my family and my own paintings and drawings adorn my home. I never feel lonely at home as I have learned to treasure favorite things and to release that which no longer serves a purpose.

I encourage you to do this too!

 

 

 

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Just For You!

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Think about those days you have had where everything just feels off.  Maybe you didn’t sleep well the night before. Maybe it is a day when you are missing your loved one deeply. Maybe you don’t feel good with a headache and sluggishness. Maybe you have no energy. All these feelings are common while grieving.

Sometimes many things like this collide all at once and you feel like you have been hit by an avalanche. When that happens, pay attention. This is probably caused by not having paid attention to each symptom as they hit you. What do you do when this happens? First, slow down and take a few deep breaths. Then try one or some of these suggestions.

  1. Take a nap if you can. If you haven’t been sleeping well, getting some good sleep can act as a reset and give you a fresh start.
  2. Write in your journal. Explore how you got to this point. Was there something specific that triggered some of these feelings, like a birthday or holiday? Did you avoid an activity you loved to do together? Did you hear a special song on the radio? When things like this happen, write about them to discover what triggers you.
  3. Make a plan. Maybe you used to go out for Thai food often, and now when you even think of Thai food you get nauseated. If this happens, try finding a new place to eat, maybe a place that serves local farm to table food. If you hesitate to go alone, invite a friend or bring a book to read.
  4. Choose something active to do like tending your garden or going for a walk someplace you haven’t taken walks before. Schedule a regular time to go to your gym or to take a yoga class or a Chi Gong class.
  5. Be creative. Try new recipes for a healthy diet.
  6. Seek out new  friends to gather with. You could join a book club. You could take a dance class. Or you could participate in an online group studying your favorite subject.
  7. Get involved. Help with a voter registration drive. Work with a group that is raising money for your favorite cause. Join a group to pick up litter on the beach or at the side of the highway.
  8. Pamper yourself. Get a massage or a facial or a pedicure. Or go shopping for a new outfit.

You may be reaching a crossroad. If you take the downhill road, you may feel progressively worse. If you take the other direction, you can gradually move forward stepping into new life experiences. The most important thing you can do when you reach this point is to do something. You get to choose. Inaction keeps you stuck. Choosing action in whichever way you would like is your impetus to for your new best life.

 

One step at a time.

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Deal With It!

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I used to feel like I had things hanging over my head.  I knew I would feel better when the tasks were complete, and the longer I put them off, the heavier they would get.

Recently I was working on organizing my storage room. I was motivated to get it done so that I would easily be able to know all that was there as well as what wasn’t there that I thought I was storing.  As I thought about how wonderful it would feel for those tasks to be complete, something was always holding me back.

Finally, I defined one task at a time to tackle and got started. I cleaned out and organized a drawer. In that drawer, I found a stack of old pictures I thought I had lost.  In it there were several pictures of when my children were young. My daughter had asked me a few years ago about a picture I took of her when she was a baby.  She was laying on her tummy on a foot stool and it looked like she was happily trying to fly.

I was thrilled to find that picture that I was sure had disappeared forever. Other cherished photos were also in that pile.  I took a picture of that photo and texted it to my daughter. She was thrilled to see it! I ended up texting one picture at a time so we could talk about them, and we were able to share the whole stack while having a wonderful conversation.

Organizing that one drawer made it easier to clean out the next one.  I am still working on the whole room, but I am not overwhelmed now and am happily making new discoveries along the way.

Especially while grieving, we can talk ourselves out of starting tasks that will ultimately allow us to move forward in the process of our grief.  What task have you been putting off? You may have piles or paperwork, thank you notes that need to be written, or other chores that have been weighing on you.  My suggestion is that you make a date for yourself with whatever task you have been putting off.  Then show up at the designated time and start right in, working through the job at a pace that feels right for you.   I know you’ll be so glad you did!

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Moving Forward

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Often, I hear that people think we must get over grief. I disagree. I see grief as something that starts with the realization of the major changes that come with the transitions you experience. Though there is a time that you realize you are grieving, chances are there won’t be a time that you say, “I’m done now. My grieving is done.”

I grieve for so many people and things like my high school classmates who died in accidents. I grieve the passing of my friends from a myriad of ailments. I grieve the loss of innocence I experienced. I grieve the loss of pregnancies. I grieve the loss of patients I cared for. I grieve the loss of most of my relatives. And most of all, I grieve the loss of my husbands.

I could go on and on about all the loss I have experienced, but I chose instead to focus on all the love, respect, lessons, and good memories I experienced as a result of each of these losses. My heart expands while carrying these people and experiences, and though my physical heart may be about the size of my fist, my loving, spiritual heart is as large as my imagination and continues to expand. I carry the imprint of all these losses on my ever-growing heart.

How wonderful it is that my heart always has room for anyone I care about. I focus on the love in my life, and this brings constant, beautiful positivity to me. As I continue to move forward in my grief, my happiness expands beyond measure. Yours can to when you focus on your love.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Fear

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Are you afraid? Most of us have some kind of fear. When you identify what’s causing you to fear something, you can choose to do something about it or let it go.

Does this sound familiar? “I’d love to spend more time with ___, but she’s so busy. I don’t want to bother her.” The way this demonstrates fear is your concern that she might say no and you fear being rejected.  You may not realize this is what is happening. If you want to spend more time with her, send her a text, or call her on the phone.

Making up stories that may not be true is easy to do, and you probably don’t recognize that you do that out of fear. While grieving, we may hold on to thoughts or old patterns of behavior out of fear.  Maybe you always went to breakfast on Saturdays with your loved one, and you miss that.  Try finding a new place to go for breakfast and invite a friend to go along. In the new place, people will be less likely to ask you about your loss.

Sometimes the fear is that you will fall apart when you are experiencing the powerful emotions that can come with grief. Know that you won’t fall apart, whatever that may mean.  And if you do find yourself crying, go ahead and cry to release whatever that was that caused you pain. A good cry clears the air like rain does. Release all those feelings that come up while you are crying.

Sometimes we fear something we can’t even define. If you start feeling something you are unfamiliar with that frightens you, try writing about it asking yourself, “Why is this issue bothering me?” Hopefully you’ll discover that what you were feeling frightened of isn’t even real. Or maybe you’ll discover there is something you can do about the issue. When you know why that fear has come up for you, you can let it go so that it will no longer have any power over you.

When you find yourself noticing when fear slips into your life, be prepared and diffuse its power. In the words of Carol Staudacher, “With grief, the way back is the way through.”

While grieving, each day is better than the day before. As you move through your grieving process, notice each time you find yourself smiling or taking a deep breath and know these actions are supporting you in moving forward,

I know you can do this.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

The Stories of Veterans

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My father, Thomas Orville Lofton, served in the US Army during World War II. He never talked to me about his war experience, but I knew it affected him profoundly because he spent the rest of his life serving veterans. He became very involved in the Veterans of Foreign Wars, VFW, so my mother became involved in the VFW Auxiliary, and I was the first member in our local Junior VFW Auxiliary and I am now a life member of the organization.

Veterans Day was the biggest holiday of the year in our small California town of Porterville, and we always had a huge parade that Mom and Dad were in charge of for the VFW and American Legion. During the Vietnam war, more lives of military personnel were lost per capita in our small town than then were lost in any other community in the country. Most of those deaths were of my high school classmates.

I have always held a deep respect for veterans, so when the VFW Post in Maui invited me to come to an event to support war veterans who had been affected by the Lahaina fire, I said yes.  The members of the organization were collecting stories about the Lahaina fire, and about people who have served in wars. They plan to use these stories for a memorial they are building that can be seen by people walking on the beach.

 I spent the afternoon sitting outside of the VFW building at the beach in Kihei, Maui, watching as the men who came were showered with gifts from gas cards and Uber cards to equine therapy gift certificates.  I got to meet individually with each Veteran who came. I told them what I do to help people deal with grief and invited them to come to my free Zoom meetings. Then I asked them where they served and how the Lahaina fires affected them. Their stories from both the War and the fire were gut wrenching and broke my heart. 

After the fire, people donated funds to the Grief and Happiness Alliance Nonprofit Organization so that copies of the Grief and Happiness Handbook could be given to those affected by the fire. I gave one of those books to each guest that came to the event except one. That veteran told me that his wife needed the book more than he did, so I signed a book to his wife.

 As I listened to the experiences of these veterans, I thought about how important storytelling is to help people deal with grief. Having someone to listen to the stories is equally important. A story needs to be told over and over until it doesn’t need to be told any more.

Whose story can you listen to? And who do you tell your story to?

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.