Loss

Hanging On

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I admit it. I procrastinate. Do you? I have discovered the more time I procrastinate, the less time I have in my life to enjoy and really live. I keep a to-do list mostly because I think if I don’t write it down, I won’t remember to do it. However, the more I write on that list, the less likely I am to complete all the things I think I must do! And I am realizing as I have more to put on that list, the less I get done.

Do you do this? Writing the list or just keeping all you must do in mind is a thief of time, yet I haven’t been able to give up that list, yet. Now I am examining that list and wondering how everything on it got there. In this process, I see that I am hanging on to things that I don’t need to. One of the things that has taken up permanent residence on my list is to file. In early grief, I found the mail arriving every day was overwhelming, so I left it on a pile on my desk. The bigger the pile got, the heaver the burden of it became.

I realized that I had to address that pile. I sat with the pile and a trash can and tossed all that didn’t matter: advertisements, coupons, offers of things that did not concern me, and invitations to events I was not interested in. That got rid of about 80% of that pile. That eye opener made me wonder why I had been allowing that pile of mail to intimidate me. I resolved to sort my mail on the way from the house and dump all I do not need in the trash can outside before it even enters the house. Then I was easily able to deal with anything important, and the huge pile of mail ceased to exist.

Now when I look at my list, I no longer see the words mail and file on the list. In wondering why this had become such a big deal to me, I remembered that my husbands loved to pick up the mail and go through it each day. I miss them doing that. I miss the agreements we had to support each other by taking on the tasks we did. I missed seeing their names on the envelopes that arrived reminding me that we lived and loved in this home.  Keeping all that mail served no good purpose, and I have plenty of things that are constant reminders of them.  Releasing felt good.

I’ve continued examining my list, and it gets shorter as I see no reason to hang on to things that don’t serve me. Now I am able to eliminate the clutter in my home and my life as I no longer keep his favorite food on hand that I am never going to eat. I no longer watch sports on tv that I used to watch with him because he enjoyed it so much. I still feel his presence and love, I still enjoy my memories. And I have opened so much space in order to live my best life now enjoying every moment along the way.

What can you release?

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my Grief and Happiness podcast here or anyplace you listen to podcasts.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Caring for Yourself

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You have probably discovered by now that grief isn’t something you get over. When someone you love dies, that love stays with you at least for the rest of your life. And that is good. I often hear people say that they lost a loved one, but they aren’t lost. Their essence remains in your heart as long as it is beating.

Try this. When you are missing your loved one, find someplace quiet to sit. I love to sit outside in nature with the fragrance of the flowers and the whisper of the breeze on my cheek. Close your eyes. Put both hands on your heart and take in a slow deep breath, then blow it out though your mouth like you are blowing through a straw. Breathing this way gives you a re-set. Mary Morrissy taught me that breathing technique. It’s a quick way to feel at peace. I do it often. You can too.

While you are enjoying this peaceful experience, allow your thoughts to drift to beautiful times you shared with your loved one. Where were you? What were you saying. What were you doing. How did you feel? Paint a picture in your mind of what you were experiencing at the time. You can create this experience any time you want to and allow it to bring you comfort.

When you notice someone you care about is struggling with grief, invite them to come sit with you quietly. You may choose to share with them the process I described, or you can just listen to their thoughts, or just sit in silence. Just being with someone grieving can be the greatest gift to them. And it can bring peace to you also.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my Grief and Happiness podcast here or anyplace you listen to podcasts.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Tears

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When my husband and I decided to move to Hawaii, I was looking forward to living on the beautiful island of Maui that was always verdant. I’d lived in California all my life, and we had been dealing with drought for so long that people were digging up their lawns and replacing them with sand and rocks.

In Maui we never watered the grass, and it was always green for the first years we were there. Then it started to dry up. It would stay that way for months looking so sad. Now the green comes and goes. I was thinking about all this recently when I ran across this quote by Maya Angelou: “Every storm runs out of rain.” I love Maya Angelo, and I could just hear her say that.

Most often, grief is accompanied by tears that may seem never ending, yet the tears will ultimately dry like rain. Keep that in mind when your tears come. Don’t fight the tears. They serve the important purpose of release,

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Mother’s Day

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Mother’s Day can be a beautiful, magical day, or it can also be sad or hearbreaking.  Or, it could be a combination of both happy and sad. How is your Mother’s Day going to be this year?

Mother’s day was originated by Anna Jarvis in West Virginia in 1908 to honor her mother, Anna Reeves Jarvis who had 8 out of 12 children die. They both volunteered to provide medicine for needy families at a time when Tuberculosis was an issue. 

I always miss my mom on Mother’s Day. She died 30 years ago. Mom always made her famous potato salad for celebrations, so I like to make potato salad.  My family always comments on how they love Grandma’s potato salad, and that helps me remember her fondly. Over the last few years, I have started writing her letters in my journal. I write to her as I would if we were having a conversation, and sometimes I write back to me from her. I love how this makes me feel.

You may know a mother who’s family will not be around to celebrate. Include them in your celebration, take them some flowers from your yard, or bake them some cookies. Maybe you know someone who has been a mother figure to you. If you do, write her a letter thanking her for what she means to you, and maybe take her some cookies or flowers.

 This year, think of someone who could use some love and support for Mother’s day and celebrate them in some way. I’d love to hear about your ideas or ways that you celebrate Mother’s Day!

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

 

The Emotions of Grief

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“The three main feelings people struggle with are fear, anger, and sadness.”

Gay Hendricks

 

When I read this quote in Gay Hendricks’ book Your Big Leap Year, I realized this could be a definition of grief for many people. However, it doesn’t have to be. When you recognize you are experiencing one or more of these emotions at any time while you are grieving, think about what is causing it right then, then think about how you can deal with this experience. Remember, you can experience all these feelings at the same time.

Sadness is probably the most common emotion people equate with grief, and that’s OK. The problem comes when you get stuck in that funk. To deal with this, when the tears come, let them. Cry when you need to. The more you cry, the less you will need to. Allow yourself to feel your feelings. You can also write about what you are feeling, or about the memory that brought the tears. This is also a good time to talk to a trusted friend. Be sure to tell your friend that you are not seeking advice, you just want to tell your story to a compassionate listener. Just as your tears wane, the need to repeat your story will lessen once you have fully expressed it.

Identifying where your fear is coming from will allow you to deal with this. Maybe you have never lived alone before, or you are not sure how you will be able to manage your expenses without your loved one’s income. Maybe you have huge medical bills. You may even feel that you don’t know how to move forward. Much of what you may fear may come from anticipatory issues. If this occurs, start by writing about it. What is it that frightens you? You may want to make an appointment with a financial advisor. You also may choose to go to a grief counselor to support you.

Anger can be triggered by so many things, some rational and some not. As with fear, identify where the anger is coming from. Maybe you are mad at your loved one who died for not losing weight or exercising that you may have thought would save him. Or you are angry at your boss for firing you. Or you are mad about the results of an election. On the surface, your anger may be triggered by something that doesn’t seem to be related to your grief, but when you write about it or talk about it, the true cause will have the opportunity to surface.

Be sure to seek help from a counselor if you feel you can’t handle any of these issues on your own. There are many more emotions that these three. When you realize you are dealing with a different emotion, write about it in your journal and see what you discover about it. Paying attention to your emotions is an important element of yourself care.

Always remember to love yourself and practice selfcare.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Stepping Stones

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I recently read this quote from author Robert Brumet: “We open the door to healing when we see our suffering as a steppingstone rather than a stumbling block.” This made me think of the grieving process. Often in early grief we don’t worry about rocks because we find ourselves just sitting or even in bed. Then comes the time that we must come back to life.

The first step is to convince ourselves where we want to go or what we want to do. If we have a job, that timing may be decided for us. Our stumbling block here may be other people who are concerned about how to talk to us, and they may say hurtful or thoughtless things unintentionally. Or they may not talk to us at all not knowing what to say.  When this happened to me, I tended to work in my office with the door closed which didn’t help me or them.

When one of my husbands died, I was teaching an online summer writing class for the university.  Most of my students were from Saudi Arabia. I was only able to take a couple of days off and I felt I needed to let my students know that I might need a little patience from them, so I wrote them an email explaining what happened.  Each of my students wrote a kind email to me with the most beautiful writing they had done all summer.

I’ve heard sad stories of supervisors and bosses who have no tolerance for people dealing with grief. This can be so hard, and it can end with you quitting that job and moving forward to another job. That may be just the steppingstone you need at that time.

If you aren’t working, consider what you would really want to do.  What could get you up in the morning with a smile? You get to choose what to do. Start by making a list of anything you would like to do or try. Make a big list with anything you want to include. Then choose your favorite thing on the list and do that first! Just relax and have fun!

You don’t need stumbling blocks to move forward. Know that no matter what you choose to do, as long as you make the choice to do whatever it is, you can find yourself skipping down the steppingstones with joy.