Loss

Adapt

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Jane Goodall wrote in The Book of Hope that for species to survive on earth they must adapt or they will parish. This applies to people just like every other species, and the hardest incidence of adaptation is how we react when facing grief.

I invite you to consider this. When a loved one dies, their absence is difficult to adapt to. One moment they are here, then they are gone. I have been with many people when they transitioned and have felt the profound shift when their bodies become still. Their physical body is there, but it no longer functions in any way.

The adapting comes as we learn to notice their physical absence. You can no longer feel the warmth of their hugs or the touch from their hands. They no longer sit at the dinner table with you. You can’t go for walks together. You can’t hear their voice. So how can you possibly adapt?

You may feel like your life stops when theirs did, but you are still here. Now is time for you to decide how you can live your best life. To adapt means you discover how to move forward. In doing so, you are not forgetting your loved ones. You simply shift to holding them always in your heart. That way they are always with you in whatever you do.

Adapt by focusing on the air your get to breathe, on the beauty you get to enjoy, and the lives of others you get to touch. Adapt by discovering what you can contribute to the world, how you can discover people who you love, and how you can serve others.

Choosing to live a full life, however you define that, allows you to move forward with love and joy every moment, every day. Your life is what you make it.

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Grief and Happiness Handbook

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Grief and Happiness weekly Free Gatherings

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Dream Builder Life Coach

Life Master Consultant

Perfection

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We would all love to be perfect and do all we do perfectly. Practically, we also all know that’s not going to happen. I have spent hours working to make a chapter in a book I was writing perfect. I have also spent hours working on a ceramic sculpture or creating a painting, yet they always could be better in some way. Many of us strive to be perfect or to make perfect creations.

I spent years teaching writing at the university and always had writing assignments I had given to correct, and almost every submission had something to correct. I don’t know about you, but I do lots of different things, often when I’m short of time, and that often leads to errors. Everyone makes mistakes or could do a better job on anything they are doing. Now I don’t suggest being sloppy in what we do, but I would love to have the time back I have spent on my obsession to be perfect.

What does this have to do with grief? Have you spent time trying to figure out how to grieve? What does good grief look like? Have you wondered if you will ever feel better or if you will ever get over grieving? These are common feelings people have, so you are not alone. The good news is, grief is never perfect, so it isn’t a goal you need to strive for.

Take your time with your grieving. There is no rush. I know I will grieve for those I love for the rest of my life. They will always be in my heart, but as time goes on, the pain subsides and is replaced by the beautiful softness of the love you shared. There is no such thing as perfect grief. Grief is whatever you make it, and what you make it is up to you.

 

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Grief and Happiness Handbook

Grief and Happiness Cards

Grief and Happiness weekly Free Gatherings

[email protected]

Dream Builder Life Coach

Life Master Consultant

 

Be Your Own Best Friend

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So many times, I have heard someone who is grieving say “I’ve lost my best friend.” I understand that feeling, especially when the person being grieved is a spouse. You have had someone you woke up and started the day with. You had common interests. You had someone you can turn to and talk to. Boy, I’m missing my husbands right now just writing this! Yet you still can have a best friend with you all the time!  All you do to find this friend is realize, it’s you!

In early grief when both my husbands died, I have to admit, I was lonely. At the same time, I felt that no one else could take their places, so I sat alone. I realized this wasn’t serving me. Then I remembered how after a long day of work at the theatre, I would go into rehearsals in the evening. When I got home after a twelve hour day, Jacques always had something ready for me to eat. I was so grateful for his thoughtfulness. Now I have learned that if I have been working long hours, I need to remember to eat something healthy, and I smile and remember his love when I do.

Now I am fixing my own healthy meals and taking care of myself. And I have a lovely orchid plant in my living groom that I bought for myself because it brought me joy. I am taking good care of me and enjoy my own company. But I didn’t stop there. I love the company of others and have made many new friends as well as staying in touch with friends I have made throughout my lifetime. I have neighbors who join me every week to share the bounty of our gardens. And I meet with a group we call Art Ladies to paint together, and I am in another group that goes together to plays and musicals. I attend church in California by Zoom because I love the people there. I stay in touch with friends I have had throughout my life by social media, email, and visits.

I have made all these new friends and stayed in touch with old friends because it feeds my soul, and I hope theirs too. I am being my own best friend by nurturing myself with loving relationships with lots of people while I take the best care of me by enjoying being outside watching the clouds go by and watching the beautiful sunsets. I write in my journal and write books to comfort others. I meet incredible people by hosting my popular podcast and help my listeners with the content I provide. I enjoy an occasional scoop of coffee ice cream, and I pretty much do whatever I want to. I love my best friend unconditionally.

Are you your own best friend? If not, what can you do to nurture that relationship? If you are, I am so happy for you!

 

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Grief and Happiness Handbook

Grief and Happiness Cards

Grief and Happiness weekly Free Gatherings

[email protected]

Dream Builder Life Coach

Life Master Consultant

 

Secrets

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A prodigious act of congress was passed this week that requires the release of the Epstein files. These files would never have been released if it weren’t for the victims who came together after keeping their secrets for 30 years or more. They are women now, but most were children when they were taken advantage of by an unknown number of lecherous adults.

These victims continue to come forward as they see that their fellow victims have come forward. They are holding each other up in dealing with the tragedy of their loss of innocence. I admire the strength of these women who are finally ready to release the secrets they have been hiding which have blocked them from being able to live their best authentic lives.

While the Epstein situation is horrendous, sexual abuse and violence is more prevalent than we realize and now hopefully more women and girls in our society will realize that what happened to them is wrong and that it isn’t their fault that they were taken advantage of. And I hope they gain the strength to tell their stories, even if it is just to one trusted person or a counselor.

Holding a story of abuse is heavy.  Your confidence can be destroyed, and you can live your life with a shadow of shame. I was so fortunate that my husband Jacques came into my life when he did, and I was able to tell my story and live my life authentically from then on. I just needed one person to hear me and assure me of my worth. I finally opened to my life.

If you can listen when someone needs to share her story, you may help her to change her life and find that she can smile and even laugh like she hasn’t been able to.

Telling Our Stories

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We tell stories all the time. Sometimes we share them with others. Other times we keep them to ourselves. What often we don’t realize is that those stories we create shape our lives. Sometimes our stories come from what others say about us that we listen to and incorporate into our lives as they become our stories. Sometimes we make up stories that we think others are saying about us, and those stories can become part of our stories if we allow them to.

After my husband died, I heard very little from friends I had before he became so ill. Since I wasn’t hearing from them, I started considering what they must be saying about me. None of what I made up was positive. I thought they must be saying things like: “She needs space to grieve, so I won’t bother her,” Or “I don’t want to invite her to my party because she would be a wet blanket.” Or “I don’t see her anymore, so she must have new friends.” These stories that others create may have a bit of truth in them, but they certainly weren’t my story, and I didn’t even know if any of these stories were actually told about me.

All that alone time gave me space to consider my new life. I thought about what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go, who I was becoming. I finally reached out to a few friends, but they didn’t call me back. Then I called a friend whose husband died not long before mine did. I realized that I hadn’t called her because I wasn’t sure what I should say to her under the circumstances. I am so glad I called her!  She told me to get out of my house, do something fun, and just breathe. She invited me to a Patti LaBelle concert, and I accepted. That was my turning point,

After the concert, I knew I had to make some changes. In the story that I had been writing about me, I was considering everything that had been happening “to” me. I would never move forward if I was stuck in that thinking. The changes I could make would happen “for” me instead of “to” me. I started reading positive books I was inspired by. I took a quilting class that was at a delightful store I could walk to where I had enjoyed browsing before, and now I had a reason to buy their fabric. I found myself opening to the world around me in so many ways, and that felt good.

The story I tell now is that I can do and experience anything I desire. Though what I am choosing to do is for me, I am creating things “through” me now too in the service of others, and this allows me to live my best life by writing my own story.

What is your story? Are things happening to you, for you, or through you? Try writing your present story and see where it takes you.

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Grief and Happiness Handbook

Grief and Happiness Cards

Grief and Happiness weekly Free Gatherings

[email protected]

Dream Builder Life Coach

Life Master Consultant

Procrastination

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Do you ever have a morning when it’s hard to get out of bed? You think about all the things you need to do and maybe feel a bit guilty about not getting started. Or maybe you were planning to fix dinner and didn’t get around to it, so another frozen dinner for you. Procrastination often can be overwhelming when you are grieving. You just may not want to do or think about anything, but procrastination does not serve you.

There are different types of procrastination, and they all play a part in bringing you down instead of dealing with your grief in a positive manner. However, when you recognize that you are procrastinating, you can start doing something about it, and you can discover how much better you can feel when it isn’t hanging over your head.

Procrastination can result in worrying. Perhaps you have lots of paperwork to do related to who or what you are grieving. This kind of task may be unfamiliar to you or just plain overwhelming. I can guarantee that the longer you put it off, the more all-encompassing the task will become.  To deal with this, try organizing what you need to do. Put at the top of your list the easier things that won’t take too much time, especially if you are familiar with what’s required. If there are tasks that you are unfamiliar with, get some help from someone you know and are comfortable with. This could be a trusted friend, your financial planner, or your bookkeeper. Legal Aid may be available where you live. You may even want to contact your attorney for legal issues. There is no shame in reaching out and it can bring you much peace of mind.

When you put off required tasks that have deadlines, you can bring on much stress that can make tasks even harder to deal with. Be gentle with yourself and make a plan to get things done ahead of time so that you aren’t putting unnecessary pressure on yourself.

Procrastination also occurs when you find yourself daydreaming instead of doing what you need to. Sometimes I could find myself sitting outside watching clouds go by while my dishes were stacked in the sink, my laundry wasn’t clean, my phone messages and emails weren’t responded to, and I had run out of groceries. While this may happen occasionally, it can easily become overwhelming and so much harder to deal with. Take some time to pay attention to what needs to be done and have a plan you will follow so thing won’t pile up. You will feel so much better when you aren’t overwhelmed by stuff.

Another trap you can fall into is perfectionism. If you are used to having your life in perfect order, when dealing with all the different issues that arrive during grief, things can easily fall out of order.  This can result in you getting frustrated with yourself or even depressed or angry. Just thinking of this can be upsetting, and that doesn’t help.

What you can do to deal with the common issue of procrastination is to practice good selfcare. First, notice when you are procrastinating. That is a huge step. When you notice, think about why you are putting things off. Then try writing an intention that you can repeat to yourself whenever you need to. Let your own words be your inspiration. You have more strength than you know.

 

Grief and Happiness Alliance

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