Grief

The Epidemic of Loneliness

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We tend to isolate ourselves while dealing with grief, and while some of this is normal, it’s easy to make it a habit, and that’s not healthy. Most of us got used to being alone much of the time during the pandemic, so when you add more loss to that equation, it gets easier and easier to stay inside.

Searching the Internet, you can find much about what the U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy calls our country’s “Epidemic of Loneliness.”  Research shows: “The physical health consequences of poor or insufficient connection include a 29% increased risk of heart disease, a 32% increased risk of stroke, and a 50% increased risk of developing dementia for older adults. Additionally, lacking social connection increases risk of premature death by more than 60%.”

When people ask me what the most important thing to do to help deal with grief, I always say Self-Care. And connection helps by having people you can spend time with, talk with, and find things that interest you both. Try new things together and go where you can meet new people. I have found new friends to take art classes with, to go to concerts, to go to intentions groups, to volunteer with. When you take walks in your neighborhood, you meet your neighbors, and it’s great to know the people who live around you.

The Surgeon General also says: “Social connection is beneficial for individual health and also improves the resilience of our communities. Evidence shows that increased connection can help reduce the risk of serious health conditions such as heart disease, stroke, dementia, and depression. Communities where residents are more connected with one another fare better on several measures of population health, community safety, community resilience when natural disasters strike, prosperity, and civic engagement.”

You can actively do something to improve your health and well-being without the use of drugs by getting up and getting active! Today, do something new to connect with someone. Make a new friend or re-connect with an old one. You’ll be so glad you did!

 

If you’d like to know more about our “Epidemic of Loneliness,”  click here: or just do a Google search.

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

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The Sound of Silence

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My voice has been changing for a few months and it kept getting harder to talk, so I went to my doctor who sent me to a specialist who sent me to a vocal therapist.

After all that evaluation, they decided to put me on vocal rest. I had to be totally silent for a month, no talking and even no whispering.

This turned out to be quite a challenge. Can you imagine not being able to speak at all? I am sure it will be worth it ultimately, and I have learned some things I want to share with you.

First, I am amazed that people think that since I can’t talk, that they have to speak softly or even whisper to me. I do not have a hearing issue, so people can speak normally around me, but they don’t.

People seem to get irritated at my inability to speak. I see them get frustrated and even walk away from me. Trust me, my inability speak is more frustrating to me than it can be to you. I tried texting my son who lives with me, but that irritated him. There are things we must communicate about, so I tried a modified game of charades.  While he was entertained by my efforts, he still didn’t understand me. He bought me a white board so I could write what I want to tell him. That was helpful.

Initially, I kept thinking about what I could contribute to conversations. It was too much trouble to write my thoughts on that white board, and I was realizing that all those little things my monkey-mind was urging me to share didn’t need to be shared at all. This was huge for me. I could see that much of my conversation was irrelevant or just didn’t need to be said. This turned out to be freeing. I hadn’t realized how much time I was spending organizing those thoughts and figuring out what I wanted to say. I am now noticing those random thoughts as they pop up and releasing them from my thinking.

In focusing on all I do related to grief and happiness, I have been smiling much of the time. However, being quiet, I have noticed that I haven’t been making the effort to smile.  I see that when I speak, my smile is part of my conversation to reinforce what I am saying. Without speaking the positive words I usually do, I just haven’t thought to smile. Becoming aware of my sad face, I am making a conscious effort to smile often.

I have turned to the comfort of my journal. I find my writing deeper and wider as I explore my thoughts and beliefs. I love Mark Nepo’s writing, and his books have wonderful journaling prompts that I am loving exploring. And I have more time to meditate and write without all those unnecessary conversations my mind is encouraging me to start. I find my silence brings me peace.

I heard from a dear friend who was very active in singing and acting. She developed nodes on her vocal cords and was required to be silent for six weeks. She learned to love the silence and didn’t really want to go back to speaking when her time was up. That resonated with me. I know when my time is up, I will be paying more attention to what I choose to say, and I will continue my practice of the peace that comes with silence.

I encourage you to be silent for a day and see how this affects you.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

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Order

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This morning, when I awakened, I gazed out my window. I saw millions of spiderwebs on the bushes of the house next-door. I wondered how all those spiders could possibly know that it was a good place for them to build their delicate, yet strong, webs. A whole community of spiders and spiderwebs were  there, sparkling in the sunlight. Seeing spiders diligently creating their masterpieces was fascinating. Scurrying on a perfect path, they connected the webs they were weaving with little blobs of sparkling stickiness. The sun was shining just right so that the webs glowed, decorated with what seemed to be tiny rainbows reflecting the colors around them. Webs swaying a little from the breeze constantly caused me amazement. How could the spiders possibly get a web that goes across an open space from such a great distance? How did they make it work? How did they figure it all out? Do they tell their spider friends, “This is the place to be. This is where we’re gonna do this together and create this amazing sculpture” ?

These busy spiders inspired me to think about the whales that come to Maui every year. Starting in Alaska, the whales swim to Maui. Some whales seem like they’re traveling by themselves, yet without the GPS that we depend on, they always arrive at Maui. Enticed by the warmer water, they glide through the gentle waves flowing between the islands of Molokai, Maui, Lanai, and Kaho’lawe. The warmth is a result of the waters being shallower than in the rest of the ocean. Ten thousand whales migrate to Maui to give birth. Watching up to sixty feet long humpback whales breaching out of the water is breathtaking. The mothers and babies frolic and splash their way through the ocean together. They’re just astonishing, but what gets me the most is the trip they take every year. How could they possibly know how they are supposed to go all the way from Alaska to Hawaii, which is considered the most remote place in the world, without having any kind of GPS. Whales just make the trip automatically, migrating back and forth between Alaska and Hawaii. It seems that they would need some form of guidance, even if it’s just looking at the sky. 

Do you have an automatic pilot just like the whales? What’s the order of your life? Many of us get up and do what we think we’re supposed to do all day long and then go to bed at night and sleep and start over again the next morning. We take one step at a time without a lot of thought, without realizing all the choices that we make every single day, every moment. When are we going to drink water? When are we going to have something to eat? When are we going to get up and move? When are we going outside? When are we going to be talking to someone? What are we talking about? In Hawaii we’ve got something called Talk Story where people get together and just talk about whatever they want to. This conversation is what ties the culture together, where people discover commonality, where they express genuine love, not so much romantic love, but the love and compassion of being alive and connecting with others. 

By learning to Talk Story, I found my purpose in writing and demonstrating happiness. I write in my journal every day and that helps guide me and inspire me for the choices I make. I chronicle every day to hold on to special memories. I also record what I’m grateful for and why I’m grateful for it. And I write books and teach others to write to help them deal with grief and find happiness.

I’m grateful today, and every day, for realizing that my purpose includes serving others. How can I help someone who is grieving or dealing with loss? How can I help them realize that happiness is perfectly normal and that it’s OK to be able to feel happy even when you’re grieving? Though that may sound strange, it’s not. I’m not happy that I’m grieving, but I’m happy that I’m alive. I’m happy that I’m making the best of my life, consciously paying attention to my thoughts and what I do, being mindful of every moment.

What’s your purpose? What are you doing? What are you meant to do? How can you make your life better? How can you make your life the absolute best it can be? What do you need to do to make your life miraculous? How do you notice the beauty and wonder in the world? How can you share the inspiration you discover? What does your heart desire? What is it that you really crave? I’m not suggesting just making goals, though goals are great to get you from one point to another, I am asking you to identify an overarching purpose for everything.

 I encourage you, or maybe even challenge you, to pay attention to who you are and what you are doing.  Write in your journal to explore who you are and what you aspire to. What is your true purpose in life? How would you like to share this with your loved ones, both now and in the future?  Writing like this can help to open up your world.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

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Order blog for April 24 19 or 2024

Take a Ride

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As a child, on Sunday afternoon my parents and I would often go for a ride in the car. We lived in a small farming town where there wasn’t much to do, so these rides were a very special treat. I sat in the back seat gazing out the window at the beauty of nature. The car didn’t have a radio so we would all sing together the same songs every time: A Bicycle Built for Two, California Here I Come, The Old Rugged Cross, and more.

I got quite an education from watching flood waters, remnants of fires, a dam being built, fragrant orange blossoms, and miles of fields growing cotton.

My favorite was going out in the spring to see all the wildflowers. Mom knew the names of every one of them. Sometimes we’d stop so we could get outside to see them up close. My favorites were the vast acreage of bright orange poppies especially when they had deep bluish purple lupine mixed in. That’s still my favorite color combination.

Recently I had to get a ride from a friend to an appointment. The weather was strange that day with light gray clouds high up in the sky providing an umbrella for the whole island of Maui. Under the clouds was crystal clear making everything seem bright and beautiful.

I had been on the road on the side of Haleakala volcano many times before, but this is the first time I saw it when I wasn’t driving. I was astounded by the beauty of the view of the valley between both sides of the island. It was easy to see the island of Lanai and the tops of the west Maui mountains both of which are usually covered with clouds.

The tropical flowers were stunning and so big. The colors were vibrant. Even the weeds were gorgeous displaying their own blossoms. And I spotted a contented goat standing by the road munching on those pretty weeds! I was so refreshed by the time I got home.

Those of us grieving often find it easy to hibernate, staying inside our homes with the curtains closed. This environment can become stuffy and colorless. If you start feeling this way, try getting outside. Jump into your car and drive someplace unfamiliar and beautiful. Take time to stop and experience fresh air and fragrant flowers. Stretch and maybe even take a walk. Look at everything with new eyes enjoying all you discover. Try taking some pictures or doing some sketches. Just relax and allow yourself to be immersed in the natural beauty.

You will find the more often you do this, the better you will feel. Take good care of your precious self.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

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Giving

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I am always on the lookout for information about happiness, and today I found an article written by psychologist Adam Grant written in Inc. Newsletter. He posits that overall happiness is supported by giving. That concept resonates with me and led to me to think about how I frequently say I am happier now than I ever have been. The biggest difference in my life now is that I focus on generosity, giving in many different ways. For me, it’s not only the generosity, but it’s my new mindset that comes along with it, that results in joy.

Much of my life I’ve been trying to prove things about me, and I know that started when I was growing up.  In elementary school, the encouragement I heard most often from my parents, especially at report card time, was that I could do so much better if I only tried harder.  They didn’t realize, I was trying to do what was expected of me, I just wasn’t getting the results that others expected. I know now that feeling of constant failure was not created by a lack trying. Instead, my biggest challenge was my inability to see well.  I convinced myself that I couldn’t read at grade level, that I couldn’t control my handwriting to make it legible, and that I wasn’t capable of paying attention to what I was supposed to be learning because I had so much trouble doing what seemed to come easily to my classmates.

I was a shy child, observing rather that participating in things I wished I was able to enjoy.  When I finally had a required vision screening at school in fifth grade, I was diagnosed with significant problems with my vision.  While I was grateful to have an excuse for my failure, I was so far behind my classmates that catching up seemed impossible. In seventh grade my teacher used me as the example of the bad student in class because I couldn’t spell or keep up. She would even read out loud to the class my spelling errors, like the day when she pointed out what to her was the funniest error I had made so far by spelling people: peepole. She decided that I had to flunk that year, and I was mortified. Finally, after much begging, I was allowed to go to summer school to catch up on all that I was severely behind in.

That summer turned my life around. Mrs. Wilson was an amazing teacher who could see my desire to do my best. She spent extra time with me and was so supporting and positive. I went from being the worst student in class, or maybe in the whole school, to being the student who tried the hardest. I improved my grades to the point I was able to go into eighth grade in the fall. This new joy of learning changed my life. I became compulsive about proving I was doing my best.

From then on, I knocked myself out by setting goals and doing all I could to succeed. This led to lots of honors and opportunities. As an adult, I constantly tried to prove to myself that I was the best at whatever I did. While this led to great experiences, it also led to stress and exhaustion. However, being married to Jacques and later to Ron, I learned what it felt like to be appreciated and loved unconditionally. I was most thrilled that each of them called me a renaissance woman because of all I did and achieved.

When I got to the point where I had the financial security to choose how I wanted to spend my time and money, that’s when the genuine joy entered my life. I started my teaching career at the university by taking on the classes of the students who were struggling the most. From my learned compassion, I saw amazing progress and success with my students who had felt doomed to fail at higher education. I served my community by volunteering for things that brought me joy by helping others, like serving on the Self Esteem Commission, to be on the board for an after-school arts program, and so much more. The more I volunteered for and donated to, the happier I became.

This shift profoundly affected my choices and my contributions. And after both my wonderful husbands died, instead of sinking into my sorrow, I found many ways to help people deal with their grief, and I am richly rewarded. The difference is that now instead of rewards coming from honors, awards, and financial gain, my happiness comes from helping others to learn how they can grieve and be happy at the same time. Every time that all who attend a Grief and Happiness Alliance gathering find themselves smiling at the end of our time together, or when someone tells me how much my books, cards, and podcast brings them comfort and support, I am reminded of how happy I am to contribute to how they are feeling.

I now give my services, my time, and my abundance to others, and I am happy and more fulfilled than I ever have been.

What and how to you give? What else can you do to give even more? I promise that your happiness will grow as your giving does.

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

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Who Loves You?

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When your loved one dies or you are experiencing a big loss of another kind, the biggest thing you will probably deal with is a loss of love. While your love doesn’t go away with a loss, it’s just not the same. Love is the most precious emotion we get to experience so the absence of the experience of being with your loved one can be devastating. You can, however, deal with this loss in a positive way that can support you through your loss.

Self-love is essential always, yet this is especially so at stressful times. The good news is that you always have access to the most significant kind of love you will ever have because that’s self-love. In early grief even the idea of self-love seemed odd to me. How could that help me? How could I provide comfort for myself? The answer is easier than you would think.

The first thing you can do is make a list. I love lists for everything. On this list, write everything you love about yourself.  Take your time with this, and as you think of more items for your list, add them.  Just start writing and see what comes up. Aim for at least 100 things! You can do this!

On my list, items vary from how strong my fingernails have finally become, to how much I enjoy holding babies or watching puppies play. Maybe you love your smile or how you have your mother’s nose. Consider how passionate you are about things like fixing dinner for friends or taking flowers from your garden to shut-ins. Include all those good things about you that everyone else might not know.

Your list will grow and grow as you consider how wonderful you are. Your next step can be writing a letter to yourself describing in depth the wonders of you. What would you like to be remembered for? What do you consider your legacy to be? What are you passing down to future generations? After you write this letter, put it someplace special so you can get it out to read when you could use some support.

One more thing you can do is a self-love workout. Each morning when you look in the mirror, give yourself a pep talk to start your day. Include things like, “You are so beautiful today. I love your smile. Your hair looks so pretty today. I love the glow on your face when I see you are happy. I am amazed at your kindness and generosity. Thank you for reminding me of the importance of forgiveness.” I am sure you can go on and on. Say this all out loud as you gaze at your beautiful self.

Before you go on about your day, be sure to say, “Good morning beautiful. I love you more than you can imagine!”

Say it every day!

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

You can sign up for our newsletter here