Change

A Reason A Season A Lifetime 

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People come into our lifetimes for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. In every relationship, there is a gift and in entering relationships, I choose to be mindful to recognize that gift.

People who come to us for a reason could be doctors, teachers, housekeepers, lawyers, beauticians, salespeople, and anybody who joins us for a specific purpose.  We don’t necessarily need to create a long-term or close personal relationship with these people, but we can make a positive difference in each other’s lives. Yesterday my friend and I went out for breakfast. The person who was serving us didn’t seem happy. She didn’t make eye contact or smile. We didn’t know what was wrong, and we didn’t need to. We just smiled and spoke to her positively; she looked up and smiled. She mentioned she was having a bad day, and we knew how we interacted with her at that moment brightened how we all felt.

People who come to us for a season are close to us for a time. I experienced this often when I was doing theatre. A cast would work closely together for at least five weeks blocking and learning lines and developing characters. Then the performances went on for weeks. When the show completed its run, we’d go our separate ways. While we were together, we felt like family. That changed after the run of the show as we found a new temporary family in the next production.

People who come to us for a lifetime become extended family as we develop those relationships. People from the reason and season categories can merge into our lives for the long term. I have special friends in this category all the way from high school to now. We don’t have to see each other often but always reside in each other’s hearts. When my husband was terminally ill, a friend from high school showed up who I hadn’t seen for many years. She saw I needed support and moved in with me and helped me care for him. Her companionship and assistance were priceless.

In reflecting on the people who have been and are significant in your life, think about ways you can enhance those relationships. How can you share joy with those you love? I am grateful for those who are always there to support and guide me on my way, and I am grateful to do the same for them.

Who can you share some comfort, support, and love with today?

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

Compassion

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An article in the online magazine Greater Good Magazine says: “Compassion literally means ‘to suffer together.’ Among emotion researchers, it is defined as the feeling that arises when you are confronted with another’s suffering and feel motivated to relieve that suffering.”

David H. Breaux was a Stanford Graduate who majored In Urban studies. He dedicated his life to the study of compassion. He wrote what he believed compassion to be and was inspired to ask people in Davis, California, to write a book with what he collected. He was well loved, 50 years old, unhoused, and the victim of a serial killer.

In 2010, David was searching for a way he could contribute positively to society. After much contemplation, he created his compassion project where he would stand on a corner in Davis, California, and ask people “Would you care to share your written concept of the word compassion?” He considered that asking people to write about compassion would increase their awareness of compassion. His hope was to serve society by inspiring more compassion in the people he touched.

The people of Davis came together to support David’s project so that he was able to publish a book with all the definitions of compassion, Compassion, Davis CA: A Compilation of Concepts of Compassion by David H. Breaux is available on Amazon Kindle. As I read the book I couldn’t help to be inspired and feel the value of practicing compassion. I committed to becoming mindful of when I see compassion demonstrated and to continually look for ways I can practice compassion myself.

In the Grief and Happiness Alliance meetings, we write every week about prompts given concerning grief and happiness. The process of writing allows a deeper exploration of the subjects just as David asking people to write their definition of compassion instead of just telling him about it.  I encourage you to write your own definition of compassion and include how you will implement it in your life. I would love to have you post your definition in the comments below.

Practicing compassion brings joy and happiness to both the giver and the receiver. What act of compassion do you commit to completing this week?

 

More about David:

David spent much of his time at Compassion Corner where the Compassion Bench was built from his inspiration. Covered with mosaics created by local artists with positive, compassionate words, built with stuffed plastic bottles, and covered with clay by many members of the community. The bench is curved so that when people sit there to have conversations, they can see each other. This YouTube video shows how the community created The Compassion Corner Earthbench.

Julia B. Levine, Poet Laureate of Davis, California, wrote the poem Letter to a Lost Friend in honor of David Breaux.

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

Tenacity

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My mom loved to do crossword puzzles, the really big 1,000 piece puzzles.  She would spread them out on the dining room table, and we’d be eating off TV trays in the living room. Sometimes I’d sit with her and try to help, but I’ve got to admit, they were somewhat overwhelming.  Mom was tenacious though. She always finished each puzzle.

Eventually, when the puzzle was complete, it would be swept back into the box. I always wondered what it would be like if the whole puzzle fell to the floor, breaking into 1,000 pieces. Picking up each little piece would be tedious, and some pieces were sure to go missing.

Grief can feel like that puzzle broken on the floor. The person grieving would search for every piece, but it would take a while, and some pieces may never be found. One would think there has got to be an easier way, and there is. By making a conscious choice to do what you need to so you can move forward in your life, you will start to feel better.

The two main things you can do at this point in your grieving process are to pay attention and to get out of your own way. Pay attention to experiences you have, to thoughts that come to you, and to feelings that linger. Journaling helped me more than anything else especially early on.  During this tender time, we are likely to feel blank and empty or easily overwhelmed, so writing about these feelings when they happen can be helpful.

What occurs for you may vary.  You could have the experience of friends fading away as they go on with their lives, or the lack of motivation to get out of your bed, or eating too much or too little. You may be overwhelmed by thoughts about what to do next or how you will ever be able to move forward. Feelings of loneliness, sorrow, or hopelessness can dominate every waking moment. The good news is, there is a way to deal with all of this.

First recognize that you are in control, though it may not feel that way. We tell ourselves things like “I can’t do this,” I don’t know what to do,” or “I am too tired to do anything.” These are all examples of getting in your own way.  The first step is to eliminate all this negative self-talk. Make a decision to notice when your monkey mind starts whispering in your ear saying things like “I can’t,” or “I don’t.” Change those thoughts as soon as they come to you. Flip the direction to “I can,” “I do,” or “I am.”  Then follow through with your new intention.

Everything you experience is either positive or negative. Feeling both at the same time is impossible. Joy and pain do not exist in the same moment. Keep this in the front of your mind and focus on what you will experience.

Now pay attention to what is happening and get out of your way. Be a tenacious person who never gives up or stops trying.  You can do this. Start now.

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

Kindness

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My good friend Reverend Richard Carlini once said, “Become highly responsive to a kindness done.” I hadn’t really thought about kindness from that perspective before. I focus on being kind, but now I’ve realized the importance of receiving as well as giving.

Think about the last time someone did something kind for you.  Maybe a friend asked you to go on a walk with her.  Or maybe a friend shared something with you she baked or some vegetables she picked from her garden. Or someone called just to see how you are doing. How did you respond?

For some people, giving just comes naturally with no thought of receiving recognition or thanks in return. While others do something they believe is kind just because they want or need acknowledgment. I have got to admit, that sometimes I don’t even recognize the significance of a beautiful, kind action. I am making a commitment right now to start paying attention.

I knew a man who created a big campaign to encourage people to practice random acts of kindness. He was a college professor and started the project by making it an assignment for his classes.  This became a movement and people were happily competing to see who could be most kind.  They especially loved doing things surreptitiously so they could just experience the joy of giving with no expectation.

A movie came out in 2000 called Pay It Forward. I’ve remembered it after all these years because it was such a great idea. A teacher created a Social Studies assignment to create something to change the world. And one student came up with the idea that when someone receives a kindness, instead of doing something to pay back that kindness, the receiver would do new good deeds for three other people, thus multiplying the initial kindness. I loved that idea and started putting it in action in my life.

I encourage you to consider the kindness in your life that you give and that you receive. How can you appreciate acts of kindness? How can you become “highly responsive to a kindness”? Know that paying attention and being benevolent is a sure way to bring you more smiles and spread happiness!

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

Positively!

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When you always speak only positive words, you will be happy! I realize that is a bold statement, yet it is true, and it was a hard lesson for me to learn. You may say “I am always positive,” but are you really?

Here is an example.  Compare “I don’t like to eat liver” to “I love to eat fresh Hawaiian bananas.” Those two sentences feel different when you read them because of that little contraction where not is hidden. Not is so frequently used, and it is definitely negative.

How often do you use words like: not, apathetic, dishonest, anxious, betrayed, disappointed, lied, jealous, bad, malicious?  Doesn’t it  just feel icky, another negative word, just to read these words? Just like that phrase “Be careful what you wish for,” when you speak or think or write negative words, that’s what you get.

When grieving, you may say something like “I’ll never fall in love again,” or “I’ll always be alone,” or “my heart is broken.” When you say these statements, guess what you get? Accidental manifestation is something that happens unconsciously when we dwell in negativity. When you say, “Finding new friends is hard,” new friends are unlikely to be in your future.

Think about it. When do you use negative words? I learned to catch myself when I am writing so I can change the meaning of my statement by eliminating what is negative, changing my statement to what I really mean.

Try this experiment today.  Notice when you say something negative. Keep a list of negative words you catch when you are communicating.  When you notice a negative word, change your statement into something positive.  For instance, if you say, “I’m not going to drive on that road because there are so many accidents,” try saying instead, “I am going to drive on the new road with the lower speed limit.”

People grieving often find themselves dwelling in negativity and long to be happy again. Changing how you are feeling will come from focusing on being positive. Instead of saying “My friend never calls me,” pick up the phone and call your friend. Say something like, “I am thinking of you and wanted to hear your voice and see how you are doing.”

You can raise your happiness level by speaking positive words and believing what you say.  You can do this! You will be so happy you did!

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

Signs

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Most grievers experience signs that remind them of their loved ones. A sign can come from a sweet memory, a fragrance, a favorite song, a remembered idiosyncrasy, or unique experience. I frequently see, hear, or feel what seems to be signs from my loved ones who have died.

On a beautiful day in Maui, my husband Ron and I were sitting outside on our lanai when he told me there would come a time that whenever I saw a butterfly, saw our wedding date, heard our song, or smelled cigar smoke I would know he was near. All these things have happened to me, and because of that, I have started experiencing things that I consider to be signs from other loved ones of mine who have transitioned.

Several months after Ron’s death, I was having a hard time. I had signed up to take an art class, but I was feeling teary and talking myself out of going. Then a butterfly arrived. I took a deep breath and knew I had to take good care of me. Then another butterfly appeared, and another, and another.

I went out to my car and there were more. I had heard of butterflies migrating before, but it didn’t seem possible for this to happen in Hawaii. As I drove to my class, the butterflies swarmed my car. When I got there, they all flew off together, and not one had stuck to my car. This spectacular show just had to be orchestrated by Ron.

Ron and I had been together for 4 years, and he had asked me to marry him more than once, but I was hesitant. After Jacques died, I didn’t think I would ever be able to get married again. Then on December 26, 2010, I realized that New Year’s Day would be 1/1/11. I told Ron about that date and said wouldn’t that be a cool day to get married.  He immediately said yes and that he would make the arrangements. Though we had less than a week, the wedding was beautiful. Now I see the number 1111 often and I always say, “Hi Baby” and smile.

I have rarely smelled cigar smoke, but I do hear our song often. Stevie Wonder’s song “As” shows up often, and always at times I crave comfort. “As” was the theme song for a commercial so I heard it often for a while. When the show Blackish came to an end on tv, I was reminiscing about how Ron and I watched it together and we had deep conversations about the significant themes the show dealt with. I was emotional watching the finale, feeling like it was one more thing I was going to miss. Then for the grand finale, the whole cast came out with the song “As.” I guess I just needed to have a deep cry time then.

I have lots of signs for other people too.  For my husband Jacques, it’s hearing the song “My Funny Valentine” or just smelling Italian food.  For Daddy, it’s ice cream and sirens. For mom it’s chicken fried steak, tamale pie, and solitaire. For my sister Linda, it’s tea and bees. There’s a special sign or two for every loved one I’m grieving.

What are your signs? Do certain things trigger smiles, tears, and memories? Pay attention to those signs when you recognize them and take a breath, take a moment, smile when you can, and remember the special kind of love you shared with your loved one who is remembering you.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here