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Unconditional Love

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Most of my life I had no idea what unconditional love was. I hadn’t thought much about love in general. I knew my parents loved me, but many times it seemed conditional. The first time I thought I fell in love, I realized that we could only be in love if I was perfect in his eyes in all things, and I wasn’t.  I learned from that the importance of being and doing what someone else expected of me. All that did for me is help me lower my self-esteem.

When my first baby was born, one night nursing him in the middle of the night, I realized what deep, true love really was. He was so little and so fully dependent on me. And I loved caring for him.  I also realized at that moment how my mother must have felt about me, but she was never able to demonstrate it.

I went through life thinking I could find true love if only circumstances were different. If only I was prettier, if only I got better grades, if only I had a magnificent job, if only I married a doctor, if only I was shorter (I grew to six feet tall when I was in seventh grade). All of those if onlys didn’t help me a bit.

When I met Jacques, I learned so much more about love. He loved me just the way I was, and I loved him that way too. I discovered along the way that we developed what I consider now to be a bad habit of judging people, and when you are judging others, you really are judging yourself too, and I fell back into that “if only” place I thought I had left behind.

We were both teaching college, and we’d say if only our students would pay more attention or take their education more seriously.  We both did lots of theatre and we were always complaining about actors not memorizing their lines or missing rehearsals. That judgement of others got in the way of us living our best lives.

I started learning about unconditional love from Ron. If I started to complain, he would say, wouldn’t it be better to do something positive about an issue than to get upset about it? That was hard for me at first, but I eventually realized that it is not my place to judge anyone else. When I learned that, the gateway began to open for me.

I finally started taking responsibility for myself. I stopped finding fault with others. That enabled me to make a huge shift. I started to love people for who they were. I choose to spend time with people I enjoy being with and I don’t judge them. And I don’t judge myself.

Why am I writing about all this right now? I have been observing the state of the world. So much of what is happening that is negative comes from judgement and hate. We could all learn from the song Hal David and Bert Bacharach wrote and Jackie DeShannon sang in the mid-sixties, What the World Needs Now:

What the world needs now is love, sweet love

It’s the only thing there is just too little of . . . .

No not just for some, but for everyone.

Imagine what our world would be now if we all chose to love one another instead of judging them. What if we are all at the beginning of a huge shift in the world? We can be if choose to.

Start right now. Remember the deepest love you have experienced or that you would love to experience. How does that feel? Take that feeling and pay it forward. If you realize you are judging someone or something, forgive yourself, forgive whoever you need to, and then start spreading that beautiful, unconditional love. May it circulate all over the world and beyond.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Stuck

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I spend a lot of time on my computer with all the work I am doing, and the more I do, the bigger mess I have. A friend noticed one day how many tabs I had open in Chrome. She said she’d never seen so many open at once! Now I know that’s not a good thing, especially when my computer gets confused and shuts down. I know I can do better; I just have to do it!  In the words of Henry David Thoreau: “Simplify, simplify, simplify.”

Now that I have identified this issue, I am working on it. I started bookmarking tabs I want to return to instead if keeping them open forever. I have stopped keeping so many documents open at once. I clean off my desktop. And I keep all my email accounts cleaned up.  What a relief!  You may be thinking, “But I don’t do all that stuff on my computer.” So where do you have things piling up in your life?

I used to have a giant to do list that kept getting bigger. So, I made a spread sheet to simplify it all.  I am amazed at the relief I feet of not expecting myself to get everything done all at once. I find when I set priorities, I can comfortably do what I want to instead of stress about not getting things done.

I recently did a challenge where I released 27 things a day for 9 days in a row.  I when first heard about it, I thought wow, that’s a lot. And even so, I decided to do it. And you know what? It felt really good! And I did the whole thing. And what surprised me most was that I am still releasing things every day, though not necessarily 27 things each time. The less stuff I have, the lighter I feel.

How would you describe your life right now? Too many items on your to do list? Too much stuff in your drawers and closets? Too many dreams of what you think you would like to do? Examine what is holding you back or weighing you down. In reading this, you had things pop out to you that said, “Hey, that’s me!” Do you want to stay there?

With my computer, when I get too much stuff going at the same time, it has enough sense to shut itself down, and to reboot.  Is it time for you to refresh and reboot? We drag so much along with ourselves as we grieve. Maybe you feel guilty for something you didn’t do or say before your loved one died.  That doesn’t serve you. Forgive yourself for whatever it was, and then release it. Maybe there are a lot of books that you are not interested in that your loved one left behind, ones that you will never read. Give them to someone who would love to have them, or to the friends of the library.

What feelings, possessions, or habits are lingering in your life that you can release? Chances are, you won’t miss them at all when they are gone. And you will feel lighter and happier along the way! So do a reboot on your life: refresh and renew!  You will be so glad you did!

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

How to Get There From Here

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Sometimes out of the blue, you’ll hear a song or smell a fragrance that reminds you of your loved one and the tears start. You may find yourself saying “Am I ever going to get over this? Will a time come when I don’t get blindsided by a remark someone makes that reminds me of my loss?” Those things are always going to happen. However, your reaction to them change over time.

Try this. Next time you find yourself avoiding ordering the delivery food you loved to share, make a list of new foods you have thought would be fun to try but you haven’t yet. Do a web search and see if there is something where you live that could be amazing and new and different if you only tried it. Depending on where you live, you probably have lots of choices. Where I live, I would never be able to try all the different Poke combinations, and since I haven’t eaten that with anyone before, it doesn’t come with memories

You may be like me where once I find something I really like from one restaurant, I tend not to order anything different, but there are so many others on the menu! Be bold. Be adventurous.  A friend was just telling me about a luscious octopus salad she had at a new nearby place.  I may just try it since she made it sound so good! By doing this, you’re making new memories. The new memories can be pleasant and make you smile instead of focusing on the food you used to like to share.

Music can be a trigger for me. Jacques loved Bach and Mozart and Ron loved all kinds of jazz.  Before I met either one of them, I hadn’t heard lots of either of those music genres, but I came to love them when I heard them do often.  Now I can listen to either and smile and relax, but it took a while to get there. I discovered other music that I love now and make new memories for myself. I’ve gained such and appreciation for Hawaiian music, and I dearly love Michael Franti. He’s an amazing musician with a giant heart always finding ways to help people and create great music.

And I know it’s sometimes habit to start feeling emotions come up that threaten to bring you down, so you start avoiding or suppressing your grief, and that just leads to more avoiding and suppressing. Feeling like you are wrapped in a bubble of sorrow, and the more sorrow you feel, the bigger the bubble gets.  When this happens, you find yourself holding on to that sadness so as not to pop the bubble and expose yourself to everyone and you don’t know how you’ll bear that. The thing is lots of the sad experiences you have, when you really look closely, you probably had a hand in making them get as bad as they got.

Sometimes the best thing to do is just let it all out.  Cry as long as you need to. Write all about it. Get down to the depths of those feelings. Let it all out. By feeling your feelings, eventually you will want to feel something different.  When that happens, focus on the opposite of those feelings.

What brings you joy? Do that. What makes you smile? Do that. When are you compassionate? Bring that on! You’ll find the more your do these types of things, the less time you will be thinking about what brings you down. You can create an amazing new you with great feelings.

Don’t be surprised if you are triggered by something that reminds you of your sorrow. When that happens, remind yourself of all that’s good and beautiful in your life, and the sorrow will start to fade.

Remember, life is good, and in the words of that Beatles song that everyone knows: “All you need is love.” And that love starts with loving yourself. The more you do, the more happiness you will have in your life.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Do You Trust the Universe?

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Do you pay attention to the universe? In my younger years I lived in a bubble of paying attention only to what was directly around me. There was so much I had to focus on: Would I be able to pay the bills? Would I be able to find childcare I trusted and could afford? Would I have time to do everything I knew I needed to? Would I ever be truly happy? With questions like these hanging over my head, I felt constantly stressed and tired.  I found myself wondering if what I was experiencing was going to be the best experience of my life, and that made me sad.

I spent my life doing, never still.  At one point I had two full time jobs and actively participated in all aspects of the theatre at the same time.  Keeping busy allowed me to block my disappointment of what I lacked, making me think if I just completed one more thing, that would bring me happiness. But it didn’t.

When Ron and I got together, my life began to open. I learned that I didn’t have to be in constant motion. I learned how to be still and focus on all the beauty that surrounded me. Not the beauty of material things, but the beauty of taking deep breaths, the beauty of the nature that surrounded me.  The beauty of the song of the birds. The beauty of the love in Ron’s eyes. Up until this time, I had proclaimed that stress was my life. As I slowed down, I discovered that instead, my life is love.

More than romantic love, I felt the love of the universe surrounding me and protecting me. I realized that the universe was, is, and will always be there. Instead of focusing on what littered my path, I focused on seeing the beauty of it all. I saw that the universe is here to support me, and everyone else who inhabits it. The key is to recognize this and embrace it.

I talked to a woman who had gone to a desolate place in Africa on a humanitarian journey. She went there to help people. Her group went to see a group of people who lived in a community they had created in the desert. She had grand plans of educating them to do things she was familiar with to help them like proper nutrition, exercise, acceptable housing (acceptable to her and her group).

What they discovered was a joyous group functioning as one big, loving family. They had discovered how to eat with the food they would find together, and they were healthy. And no one was overweight. They had few material possessions, and they didn’t need them. Their clothing was minimal as they honored the beauty of their bodies, and they certainly didn’t need the warmth of clothing in the desert. And they had much more exercise than most of the people from the “civilized” country of the people who had come to train them. They bathed together, ate together, travelled together, cared for each other, and smiled, and danced, and loved with abandon.

The woman learned much more from them than what was in the lessons she had come to share. She came home a changed woman paying attention to what she focused on. She became a philanthropist focusing on projects that encouraged awareness of how to protect the planet and how to bring even more love and beauty into the world.

My focus changed after I spoke to her. I realized that all my material needs were met. I learned to focus on how I can help people live their best lives from a place of love and service. All I do now is focus on that, and what I wonderful life I am living now.  I have been widowed twice, and instead of feeling sorry for me, I feel grateful for the love and experiences I had with these two wonderful men. And I use the lessons I learned from them both to bring as much happiness in the world as I can as we learn to support our world the very best we can.

And do you know what?  The universe fully supports us in all we do!

 

“When we learn to trust the universe, we shall be happy, prosperous, and well.” Ernest Holmes

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Comfort, Support, Happiness, and Friends

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I am thrilled to announce the formation of The Grief and Happiness Alliance  which is a membership program where you can find comfort, support, happiness, and friends.

Everyone deals with grief and loss in their lifetimes. When you are in that situation, having friends to relate to who are also dealing with loss can make all the difference in how you feel.

While we grieve for the loss of a loved one, we also grieve many other losses in our lives like losing a job, getting divorced, suffering and injury, having a life-threatening diagnosis, or having a friend move away.  People deal with these losses in different ways. Some people isolate themselves so others won’t see their pain, others are openly sad and hurting, while others attempt to ignore the pain.  I have found that the best way to deal with loss is to pay attention to it and use healthy, constructive methods to help yourself.

Let me show you three ways you can start right now to help you feel better.

  1. Take good care of yourself. Often while dealing with grief or loss we forget to eat, or we eat too much. We may not pay attention to our personal appearance. We may not take care of where we live. We may not stay in contact with people. We may feel that no one could understand how you are feeling. Instead of dealing with what you are experiencing in these ways that do not serve you, try being gentle with yourself. Plan what you will be eating and make healthy choices. Get out in nature even if it is only a walk in the neighborhood. Call a friend just to talk, or write that friend a letter, a card, or an email to keep in touch. Take a nice hot shower or soak in a refreshing bath. Go shopping, even if it is only online, and buy yourself something new to wear that you know you will feel good wearing. Mostly, love your precious self up. You are so worth it.
  2. Set a goal for each day first thing when you get up. You can start small. Make sure that the goal you set is something you can do in one day. For instance, set a goal to get outside and walk to the corner and back, instead of setting a goal to spend an hour at the gym working out hard when you haven’t stepped into the gym for months. The more goals you accomplish, the better you will feel. Make a list of things you’d really like to do, then get started with one item on the list at a time.
  3. Laugh! If you need something to inspire your laughter, search on You Tube for funny animals. Or watch a funny movie. My aunt and uncle were in a car accident where she was severely injured, and he died. During her recovery, she watched the movie Patch Adams every day. I asked her if she was getting tired of watching it, and she said no.  She pointed out she couldn’t help but laugh at the funny parts and she loved the love and kindness that was demonstrated in the movie.  Find a movie or a book or a television show or a comedian that always makes you laugh then laugh all you can.

These three ways are just the start of all you can do to help yourself. They are all simple and mostly free. And the more you do each of them, the better you will feel. When you can start to focus on today, this moment, and do whatever you need to so that you can feel your best, each moment is easier than the last. When you focus on what you have lost, those moments will continue to get worse.

Would you like some help with all of this?  I have just what you need.

The Grief and Happiness Alliance is designed to support you in starting to move forward with your grief. Most people when dealing with grief and loss find themselves being mostly alone and not knowing what to do to feel any better. They also may be unfamiliar with the affect grieving can have on their lives, or maybe they do, but the grief they are dealing with now is bigger and more challenging. If this is you, participating in The Grief and Happiness Alliance can be a perfect experience. In the alliance, you will be meeting with others who are also dealing with loss. You are not alone. And you will experience ways to dealing with your grief by writing, by talking to each other, and by learning happiness practices that comfort and support you. Being listened to and listening to others often doesn’t happen when you are grieving, but the alliance is a place where you can do both., You will discover new friends, new ways to express yourself, and new happiness. And you will look forward to meeting online with The Grief and Happiness Alliance online that meets for an hour every week.

In The Grief and Happiness Alliance you can form comfortable relationships with new friends. You will have the opportunity to express emotions where you know you will be supported. Belonging to a group of people who share challenges like the ones you are experiencing, you will find opportunities to support each other. Each week we will do different writing and happiness practices that enable you to have tools to use to take care of yourself as you start moving forward. We will have occasional guests and enjoyable activities so there is always something new to experience.

As a member of the Alliance, you can create a notebook, either a hard copy or online, where you keep your writing and the PDF materials for class. This will be a special keepsake you can turn to for comfort as well as record your progress and your meaningful experiences along the way. You can stay in the Alliance for as long as you want to.

The Grief and Happiness Alliance is a membership program which is offered at no cost due to the generosity of the Grief and Happiness Alliance Nonprofit Organization.

Benefits of being a member of The Grief And Happiness Alliance:

  • Weekly group meetings which include happiness practices, writing sessions, and peer support.
  • Special activities and guests
  • Invitations to retreats
  • And more surprises along the way

When you sign up for The Grief And Happiness Alliance program today, you will immediately gain access to my online Grief, Love, Happiness, and Writing Haiku Poetry course for free.

Be sure join The Grief And Happiness Alliance now by clicking on this link: Grief and Happiness.

Our first meeting is Sunday November 14 at 10 AM Hawaii Standard Time, Noon PST, and 3 PM EST.

Be sure to share this information with anyone you know who could benefit from this program.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which will meet weekly starting November 14 by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

 

 

 

The Suicide Dilemma

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Suicide always has multiple victims. We can never truly know what the final impetus is that causes the act. In America, the second leading cause of death in people between 10 and 34 is suicide. The largest percentage of suicides is male by far.  And we have a significant increase in suicides with the pandemic. September is National Suicide Prevention Month and September 10 is World Suicide Prevention Day. Though Suicide is a topic that most of us choose not to address, let’s take a moment to just be aware of how this is affecting our world today.

Unfortunately, I have known several people succumbed to the lure of the end of their pain, whether physical or emotional. Two men who did this caused me much contemplation.  I directed the musical Oliver for a dinner theatre.  When rehearsing for a production, we always spent four to five nights a week for 6 weeks together before a show would open. Then we spent several weekends of performances after that. Casts and crews often became like families from spending so much time together.

In Oliver, the two main adult male characters were Fagan and Bill Sikes. I had worked with the men I cast in these roles several times before and knew their skills, responsibility, and dedication. The character of Fagan was the adult leader of a group of orphans who he taught how to pickpocket to support him.  The character of Bill Sikes was an evil thief and murderer. Within two weeks after the production was finished, and within a week of each other, both men were dead by their own hands.

Our theatre family gathered to celebrate their lives as well as share our feelings about what happened. We discovered that one of the men had a medical issue that was difficult to deal with.  The other man had a mental issue that he had been able to carefully conceal from his friends. The group contemplated all the “if-onlys” as we considered if there was anything we could have done to prevent this. We had a hard time figuring out how they could have hidden their pain and not let any of us help them.

Ultimately, when someone ends his or her life, those who cared about that person are left to deal with the trauma and pain of the loss. I always talk about what to say or not say to someone who is grieving, and this has some difference when speaking to someone grieving from a suicide loss. Often the most important things to do is to listen without judgment. The griever is likely to be self-judging already. Look at the person talking and hold hands if you can.  Mention the deceased by name and say something positive when you can.  And stay in touch for a long time. The need for support may lessen over time, but it is likely to always remain.

What is of critical importance here is that if someone tells you they feel like committing suicide, believe them. Help them call the national suicide prevention hotline 1-800-273-8255

Stay with them. And love them unconditionally. And if they do it anyway, know that it is not your fault. The person grieving from losing a loved one by suicide can use support just as the person does who is contemplating suicide or someone dealing with a failed suicide attempt.

Today, if you know anyone who is dealing with suicide in any way, send them an email, a text, a card, or even call them on the phone just to let them know you are thinking about them and that you are there for them. You can make a huge difference in their lives.

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.