how to deal with grief

Ordinary Moments

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Our lives are made up of millions of moments every day, every hour, every minutes. Some of our moments are spectacular, while most are what we experience we would probably consider as ordinary.  How can we up the number of spectacular, or at least wonderful, moments in our lives?

Think about your day today.  Anything wonderful yet?  Today is special to me, my birthday.  So far, I have had over 200 birthday wishes on Facebook!  I have been hearing from old and new friends, and even from many people I don’t know! And I did a Facebook Fundraiser for the Grief and Happiness Alliance Nonprofit Organization, and over $500 has been donated so far! So many birthdays I have celebrated in the past were lonely, but now each birthday seems so special.

I am visiting in California right now. I came to Ventura to visit a dear friend.  When I arrived, I was overwhelmed by memories of moments.  I lived here with my husband Ron for six beautiful years.  I thought this was my forever home.  I made many special friends, I created lots of art, and I loved the beauty here. As I entered my friend’s home, I realized how many special memories we share. I saw many of my works of art she has collected over the years, and I thought of the many pieces of glass work she has done for me.

I have the sweet memory of the beautiful little wedding Ron and I had here and the lively parties we hosted. I remember the longs walks and the special charming downtown area. And everywhere is close to the beach which isn’t crowded.  I loved the First Friday celebrations we had going to many open artists’ studios.  And the restaurants are so good! When we manifested our house, Ron wanted to live in the country, and I wanted to live in town.  We found a unique house that was built in the 40’s, had 14 mature Hass avocado trees, was walking distance to the hills, was a mile from the beach, and a block from Main Street with restaurants and more! I thought it was our forever home and had some tears when I arrived.

I do love my home in Maui now too.  I have wonderful neighbors, my own studios for my art, a huge garden of vegetables and fruits, a bicoastal view, and so many great friends. I love all the beaches, the upcountry area where I live, and all the great restaurants, concerts, and art galleries.  And I can write and teach and facilitate meetings from my quiet home.

When I look at all these things, I realize that my life is made up of many miraculous, beautiful moments, and I can’t help but smile! How have your moments been today? Can you transform some into little miracles? I hope so!  That feels so good!

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

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Immediately following the death of a loved one, or after a significant loss in your life, there usually comes a period that can be described as darkness. This is more a feeling that an actual lack of light. I remember that it seemed that everything was faded. I didn’t see the viridescent vegetation in my garden or the spectrum of blues in the ocean while I stood on the beach. Everything around me lost its brilliance.

The television show Call the Midwife stirs me every time I watch an episode.  I see in each episode births and deaths and how these events affect all who are present. One character said “Darkness is beautiful or how else shall we shine.” We see constant reminders of people helping people, supporting them in their times of need. There are so many wonderful examples of people helping others in ways that they can bring beauty into the darkness.

I once was walking downtown and slipped on the wet sidewalk. I fell hitting the ground hard. Immediately I saw a homeless man next to me who checked to see if I had been injured then helped me to my feet. I thanked him as he disappeared behind others who just stood there watching.

I wanted to go to a dance exercise class shortly after we moved to Maui, but I was hesitant leaving Ron by himself because I never knew when he would have to be rushed to the hospital. One of the men who was working on repairs for our house heard our conversation and said he would love to stay with Ron because they both enjoyed their conversations. I loved the class I got to attend.  We danced the whole time I was there, so I didn’t get to interact with the participants. I missed a class because Ron was in the hospital, and the next week when I came back, there was a big basket full of treats for Ron from cookies to fruits and even books to read. They brightened a dark time in our life.

Once Ron became weak and was having trouble breathing when we left seeing a movie. I got Ron seated and remembered that his doctor had just prescribed an emergency kit of three different prescriptions for him to take on his way to the hospital if something like this happened. As I turned to find where I could get some water, a man was standing behind me with a cup of water.  He had noticed Ron having trouble and had found a cup of water for him in perfect timing.

These and so many more instances have been there for me in dark times. I am always on the lookout for ways to helps others in their darkness. And I always remember these shining points of light people have been for me exactly when I needed them.

Shine your light, and always be grateful when someone’s light shines on you.

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

 

https://griefandhappiness.com/2022/07/20/1548/

Tender Tears

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We, individually, as a country, as our world, have so much to grieve right now. Every new tragedy seems to the compound the last one.  We all have a tendency to pay the most attention to what happens closest to us, but the reasons to grieve right now are piling up and are widespread throughout the world. And it’s not just grief. We are also angry, disappointed, frustrated, and even broken.

What can we do? Here are a few things to consider:

  • First, take care of yourself. I live a happy life in a beautiful place surrounded my wonderful people. I focus on the joy that comes from living this way. This helps, yet I still find that I shed tears when I hear about the horrific things going on. Tears are good and necessary to help in processing our feelings.
  • Many people are experiencing challenges. When your friends are affected, the first thing to do is love them and demonstrate that love by the actions that you do. What is one thing you can do right now to make a difference for a friend facing challenges? Start by doing whatever that one thing is.
  • Recognize what won’t work, then don’t spend your time worried about that. If you realize that you can’t change gun laws on your own, instead of bemoaning that, try taking active steps like contacting the people who represent you in the government encouraging them to take action by making new laws.
  • Talk to people you know. Chances are that people you care about are being affected by similar things like their children being afraid to go to school, or maybe there is a family in your neighborhood with political views opposite to most of the neighbors. Whatever the situation is, honest communication with no blaming is a great place to start.

While I continue to be affected by the unconscionable occurrences that are happening, I am also committed to living the best life I can and loving and supporting my friends, the people in my community, my country, and the world.

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

Download your copy of Awakening Your Happiness journaling guide here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

Everything is a Miracle

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Do you recognize when miracles occur in your life? I hadn’t considered this before, but once I started noticing miracles, I started noticing how I have experienced so many miracles though-out my life.

Miracles can be huge, and they also can be very small. You may not have thought about this before, but chances are you are experiencing miracles too, and you have been all along but may not have been aware when they happened. As I look back, I remember the miracle of getting accepted at the last minute to San Diego State University. I see this as a miracle because I had a major health challenge in high school and was barely able to graduate with a grade point average that normally wouldn’t have qualified.

My husband and I bought our first house together in 2009 at a great price because of the financial crisis in our country. A year later, my elderly mother-in-law needed to move in with us, and our home was comfortable for just two people. We decided to sell it and buy another. Our real estate agent warned us we would be losing money because of the financial crisis.  We sold the house that we had only owned for a year at a significant profit a week after we listed it, and we bought another, much bigger home in a wonderful location for $200,000 lest than it was listed for. I know we were blessed with this miracle because we welcomed my mother-in-law to live with us.

Recently when I was driving on a divided highway, a truck crossed the center divider headed directly headed at the driver’s door at high speed. When I saw him coming toward me, I closed my eyes thinking there was no way I could survive this. I heard and felt the thump as he hit my car. I was shocked when I opened my eyes and saw that my car was not destroyed, only three thousand dollars’ worth of damage that his insurance covered. And he didn’t hit anyone else as he continued speeding head on into traffic until he could pull off to the side of the road. The witnesses were shocked that the driver, my son, and I weren’t killed. I know this was a miracle.

Just last week in the middle of the night we were experiencing a big windstorm. We have power lines that go across our property and into the tree of my friend’s house across the road. The wind snapped the power lines which set the trees on fire as the wires dropped to the ground. This could have been a catastrophe. Instead, our homes didn’t catch on fire, no one was injured, and the power company came out the next day and did a nice trimming on what was left of the trees. Everyone affected by this are so grateful for this miracle.

Beyond the many big miracles I experience, I experience little miracles every day. I almost always get right to the front of any line I am in, and I always find parking places easily.  I also get where I am going at the time that I plan to.  Every day I now notice the miracles I experience, and I am grateful.

The title of this blog is a quote by Albert Einstein: “Everything is a Miracle.”

Notice and enjoy all your miracles!

Everything is a Miracle

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Suppressing Grief

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How are you feeling right now in this very moment about the grief you are experiencing?

Think about it.  Are you overwhelmed? Sad? Lonely? Confused? Angry? Everyone experiencing grief experiences all these feelings along the way. Some of us ignore them. Some of us get swallowed up in them. Some of us have a hard time getting past them.

The good news is a dealing with a multitude of feelings is part of the process. Know that allowing any of these feelings to take over your life does not serve you. I can just hear you thinking, “That’s easy for you to say.” The truth is, I have felt all these feelings and many more in dealing with grief, and I discovered how to deal with them.

First, you can best deal with one feeling at a time.  If you find that you are balancing several feelings and that seems like spinning plates, that leads to more stress.  If this is where you are, get out your journal and make a list of all the feelings you are dealing with. Try not completing that list all at once. Rather take a couple of days and add things as they come to mind.

The author Byron Katie helped me with this by sharing her system called The Work. Once you have your list, go through the list and ask about each feeling one at a time:

  1. Is this true?
  2. Can you absolutely know it is true?
  3. How do you react – what happens- when you believe that this feeling is true?
  4. Who would you be without that thought?

After you answer those questions, Byron Katie suggests that you “Turn the Thought Around.”

She says, “The turnaround gives you an opportunity to experience the opposite of what you believe.”

Let’s try The Work with a feeling. Are you feeling lonely?

Your answers could be something like this:

  1. Is this true? I realize that I am alone most of the time, and I realize that people are sending loving support to me even when I am not with them. And I realize that I can invite people to spend time with me in person or I can participate in activities where other people are, so I don’t have to be alone.
  2. Can you absolutely know this is true? I realize that I don’t have to be lonely. That I can. Make the difference by reaching out.
  3. How do I react? When I believe the feeling of loneliness is true, I am lonely.
  4. Who would I be without this thought? When I release the feeling of my loneliness being true, I am able to connect with people in my life so that I am not lonely

My turnaround:

I choose to be present with people I want to be with when I would like to have friendship and company.

 

I feel better already just by doing this exercise! And I realize that by giving in to all those feelings that don’t serve me, I am suppressing my grief.  When we suppress grief, it doesn’t go away.  Rather it can lurk in our sadness, growing and needing to be released.  By paying attention to my feelings and letting go of anything that doesn’t serve me, I make room for comfort, love, happiness, help, friends, and so much more.

I release and let go of anything that doesn’t serve me.  And you can too!

You will feel so much better!

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

The Value of Tears

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Every Sunday the Grief and Happiness Alliance meets on Zoom to write, do happiness practices, and make friends. Last Sunday we wrote about tears. Rev Rachel Hollander, who is the President of  The Grief and Happiness Alliance Nonprofit Organization, wrote this piece that touched me, so I asked if I could share it as the blog for this week. How do tears serve you as you deal with grief?

 

The Value of Tears

By Rev. Rachel Hollander

 

When I need a good cry, I watch one of two (or both!) movies.

Magnolia (1999) and The Wizard of Oz (1939).

Other movies and t.v. shows can bring tears as well, of course.

These two are my absolute go-to’s, though, when I feel like I just want to have a deep, cleansing cry.

Magnolia, for a few reasons. Aside from the film itself (which is magnificent), it is because the memory of my first viewing of it is tied directly to my Jimmy. He brought me to that movie, after he had already seen it, and he sat behind me to “watch me watch it.” And then he sat with me after it was over for the 45 minutes I stayed in my seat and sobbed.

The movie will be forever linked to him. And to us.

Among the many parts of the film that break me open, there’s a particular moment that happens near the end….William H Macy’s character has failed to get the attention of the one he loves, he has failed in his attempt to rob his bosses, and he has literally fallen from grace, smashing his face on the pavement.

Broken and bleeding and finally yielding to tears, he says, “I really do have love to give. I just don’t know where to put it.”

This moment brings me to my knees. Every single time.

With The Wizard of Oz, the tears are tied to childhood, to memory, to what has been lost, to my own Life Pilgrimage. As well as is being so beautifully perfect.

From the opening message that reminds us that the movie is dedicated to “the young at heart,” the tears begin to flow.

And in the final moments when Dorothy tells Toto, “Well, anyway Toto, we’re home. Home.”

I have never watched this movie without sobbing.

Generally, I find crying to be healing. And absolutely necessary.

If I don’t cry on a regular basis, I notice that I will get headaches and I become cranky with the world.

Songs and music (with and without words) are also useful for this kind of release.

It’s what I would describe as: Delicious pain.

 

 

We would be happy for you to come write with us on Sundays too. No charge as the Grief and Happiness Alliance Nonprofit Organizations exisits to serve people who are dealing with grief and loss by dunding our activities.  You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.