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Belonging to the World

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In Barry Hoffman’s book, belonging to the World, he writes a poignant memoir of how he dealt with his grief caused by the death of his wife who was killed by an elephant in Africa. He wrote “Grief doesn’t vanish; it shifts. Eventually, it no longer dominates your thoughts, creating space for something new. That shift feels like losing something, but it’s not a loss of love, just the beginning of distance. And when the vast place my grief had taken up started to recede, it gave space, both emotional and mental, for new things to enter.”

I love how Barry expressed the process of moving through grief. Often, I hear people say they are healing their grief or getting over it, and I just don’t believe that’s how it happens. The deeper you love, the deeper you grieve, and there is no limit on how much time it takes to deal with your feelings. Barry set a goal to visit every nation in the world to have something to focus on where he could be learning about the many differences in how and where people live and the many ways he, and others, can serve people.

Not many of us are in the position to travel all over the world, yet we can discover our own dreams and purposes of our lives as we move forward. What would you really love? Maybe you would like to travel, but not all over the whole world! Maybe you’d like to visit where your parents were born or where your best friend has moved to. Or maybe you’d like to travel somewhere you can be of service like to help bring clean water to remote areas. Or maybe you would like to go to Paris to study painting, or Tuscany to study cooking, or to a remote cabin in the mountains to write your book. You are only limited by your imagination.

Instead of traveling, maybe you would like to create something; again the sky is the limit on what you can do.  Maybe you’d like to run for office or to work on someone else’s campaign. Maybe you’d like to learn to knit, or sew, or create ceramics. Maybe you’d like to create a garden or volunteer to work in a garden to help feed your neighbors or unserved families in your community. Maybe you’d like to learn to dance, or meditate, or do Yoga.

Make a list of things that thrill you, fascinate you, or make you feel proud. What activities come to mind when you consider what’s on your list?

Each of us, in our own way, can contribute to making our lives, our community, or our world a better, more kind, place to live, a place filed with beauty and love. What are you going to do? Whatever you decide can be in memory of your loved one. What a beautiful way to live.

Creativity

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Often when dealing with grief people just don’t know what to do. Often, they sit alone and ruminate, not motivated to reach out to anyone or do anything. That can become lonely fast. I watched movies, but even that didn’t help.  My mind would drift to my loved one, then that cycle of tears started again.

One of my friends told me that she found online painting classes that she enjoyed, so we decided to take some classes together. Because of the pandemic, we couldn’t get together in person, so we watched the classes online and painted along with the instructions. Then when we were through, we jumped on to Zoom and compared our creations. They were so different, so we had lots to talk about. We also found art shows we could watch online, and that was fun and inspiring too!

After the shutdown was over, we started taking classes in person, and we still do. We learned to do felting, to make jewelry out of fresh flowers, to draw, and to make flower arrangements. I also started taking classes on my own in jewelry making, printmaking, drawing and more.  I even joined a group of people who gather to do watercolor painting together every week, and we have started to go to plays and dinners together too.

All these activities really helped me and still do. I recently read two books that can give you some ideas to practice your creativity. Kaleidoscope: Redesigning Your Life by Kathy Strauss, (aka visual storyteller & international best-selling author) is a photographer and self-described Creationeer.  Listen here to my Grief and Happiness Podcast with Kathy.

In Kaleidoscope: Redesigning Your Life, artist and guide Kathy Strauss invites you to see your story through a new lens; one filled with color, creativity, and possibility. With warmth and honesty, she shares how tapping into your creative self isn’t just about making art; it’s about healing, discovering, and remembering who you really are.

The other book is Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain by Betty Edwards.

Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain is an international bestseller. This starter kit contains Edwards’s two essential books—Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain and the indispensable companion book Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain Workbook. Whether you are just beginning to draw or you are drawing as a professional artist, as an artist-in-training, or as a hobby, this groundbreaking program will deepen your artistic perception, give you greater confidence in your ability, and offer a new way of appreciating and perceiving the world around you.

Both these books offer lots of ideas of projects you can do to explore your creativity, and creativity can be so much more than art. Try:

  • Story telling
  • Book writing
  • Gardening
  • Acting
  • Singing
  • Dancing
  • Community service
  • Or???

What I like most about creativity is I can get lost in it. I can paint all afternoon or spend a day creating a ceramic sculpture and not have any idea of how much time has passed. My breath slows down. My body relaxes, and I smile a lot.

Choose one thing to try and escape for a while. Relax and enjoy.

 

 

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The Emotions of Grief

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“The three main feelings people struggle with are fear, anger, and sadness.”

Gay Hendricks

 

When I read this quote in Gay Hendricks’ book Your Big Leap Year, I realized this could be a definition of grief for many people. However, it doesn’t have to be. When you recognize you are experiencing one or more of these emotions at any time while you are grieving, think about what is causing it right then, then think about how you can deal with this experience. Remember, you can experience all these feelings at the same time.

Sadness is probably the most common emotion people equate with grief, and that’s OK. The problem comes when you get stuck in that funk. To deal with this, when the tears come, let them. Cry when you need to. The more you cry, the less you will need to. Allow yourself to feel your feelings. You can also write about what you are feeling, or about the memory that brought the tears. This is also a good time to talk to a trusted friend. Be sure to tell your friend that you are not seeking advice, you just want to tell your story to a compassionate listener. Just as your tears wane, the need to repeat your story will lessen once you have fully expressed it.

Identifying where your fear is coming from will allow you to deal with this. Maybe you have never lived alone before, or you are not sure how you will be able to manage your expenses without your loved one’s income. Maybe you have huge medical bills. You may even feel that you don’t know how to move forward. Much of what you may fear may come from anticipatory issues. If this occurs, start by writing about it. What is it that frightens you? You may want to make an appointment with a financial advisor. You also may choose to go to a grief counselor to support you.

Anger can be triggered by so many things, some rational and some not. As with fear, identify where the anger is coming from. Maybe you are mad at your loved one who died for not losing weight or exercising that you may have thought would save him. Or you are angry at your boss for firing you. Or you are mad about the results of an election. On the surface, your anger may be triggered by something that doesn’t seem to be related to your grief, but when you write about it or talk about it, the true cause will have the opportunity to surface.

Be sure to seek help from a counselor if you feel you can’t handle any of these issues on your own. There are many more emotions that these three. When you realize you are dealing with a different emotion, write about it in your journal and see what you discover about it. Paying attention to your emotions is an important element of yourself care.

Always remember to love yourself and practice selfcare.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Sunrise, Sunset

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Even if you haven’t seen the play or movie of Fidler on The Roof, you probably have heard the main song, Sunrise, Sunset. Read these lyrics and see if a memory of this song comes to you:

Sunrise, sunset

Sunrise, sunset

Swiftly flow the days

Seedlings turn overnight to sunflowers

Blossoming even as we gaze

Sunrise, sunset

Sunrise, sunset

Swiftly fly the years

One season following another

Laden with happiness and tears

Lyrics by

Sheldon Harick

As I was gazing at yet another gorgeous sunset here on Maui, those lyrics floated by in my mind. I see the sunrises out of my bedroom each morning and see the sunsets from my lanai. I love to take pictures of these beautiful times of days, and no two pictures are ever alike.

This day was different from any other day I have experienced, and tomorrow will be different too. I can choose to let each day float by or choose to identify the love and beauty of the day, or to wallow in the sadness of a day.

Four of the most significant days in my life came at the sunsets of my loved ones.

When my father died, he had just given a big speech to his whole community honoring the veterans there, then the next day, he was just gone from a heart attack. I was in shock, but I was able to witness the community celebrating him all week because it was the week of Veterans Day. Though I was sad, I chose to be grateful for such a wonderful father loved by so many.

When my mother died, she had been deteriorating for a long time. Her physical self was unrecognizable. The last time I entered her room, I sat next to her bed and held her arm where I could feel her pulse as I told her all I wished I could have earlier in her life, especially that I loved her. Then I told her she didn’t have to wait, that Daddy and her mother were waiting for her, and it was OK for her to go.  I felt her pulse slow and stop. When I went into the other room to tell her sister, I felt the love I had never expressed to her overwhelm me, and I was grateful to have served her and taken care of her for the last years of her life.

When my husband Jacques died, he had been suffering from a myriad of health challenges for so long, but he always thought he would get better. I saw when he realized that wasn’t going to happen. He was getting into the car to go to yet another dialysis treatment. He looked in my eyes and said “Oh. S**t.” Then he collapsed into the car and slid down between the seat and the dashboard. I was unable to move him. I was in shock.

When Ron died, he was surrounded by his family and friends, all celebrating him through the week of his death.  He was so loved and supported during this time. He just appeared to fall asleep, then he was gone. Initially with his departure, I cried painfully, but after that, I was grateful that he wouldn’t have to experience all the pain he had been through anymore and I found peace in that.

While these are all sunsets, I have lots of sunrises too like when my children and grandchildren and now great grandchildren were born. With each graduation, each wedding, each wonderful experience they are all having, it brings me joy too.

I love and am grateful for it all. And the more experiences I have with all of my loved ones, the more grateful I am for this amazingly beautiful life I get to live. I think about the beauty and joy of each sunrise and sunset, and I encourage you to take the time to look up  at these gorgeous reminders of our precious lives and reflect on your sunrises and sunsets too.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

You’ve Got a Friend

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I recently went to a James Taylor concert which started me thinking about the influence of music in my life.  When we like a song, we tend to listen to it often and the words stick with us. When I thought of the title for this blog, I went on to YouTube to listen to James sing his songs again, and the first song that popped up was You’ve Got a Friend, confirmation that I needed to write about this today.

I’ve always loved music and I’d listen for hours learning all the words to my favorite songs by Elvis, The Beach Boys, The Mamas and the Papas, Joan Baez, The Beatles, and so many more artists. There was only one radio station in town which played news and things my parents wanted to hear. I realized if I wanted to enjoy music, I needed to create it myself. I wanted to get a guitar and learn to play it. We weren’t a family of means and that was out of the question. I was exploring an antique store, I thought. It was actually a junk shop, when I spotted my guitar. It was well worn and had metal strings. I asked the proprietor if there was a way I could pay for it, and he said sure. He would hold it for me till I could pay it off.

The price was $10, which seemed like a million to me. I agreed to pay him at least a quarter, 25 cents, each week until I paid it off. That was 40 weeks, which seemed like forever. He reminded me that he knew my father and he would be sure to tell him if I was late with a payment.  I didn’t want to tell Daddy about it, so I did whatever I could to get all that money, including picking up pennies on the sidewalk. Through my diligence, I brought it home only 16 weeks later. I was so pleased with myself that I told my parents about my magnificent instrument, and they told we that while they were impressed with my ingenuity, to never do anything like that again without telling them.

I found some instructions on how to play and I practiced endlessly. I already knew how to read music since I played the flute. The sharp wire caused bleeding fingers which led to calluses. It was impossible to keep it in tune since the neck was bent, so my parents finally bought me a new guitar and even some lessons. This led me to singing at talent shows and creating an all-girl trio which performed around town. I even took my guitar to college with me in a big city. I auditioned at coffee houses who weren’t so kind about my singing. Then I gave all that up, but still listened to music, memorizing all the lyrics.

That was about when James Taylor’s career started. His songs were always so special, and I loved his connection to the Beatles. Seeing him in person at this point in my life was a real thrill. He’s two years older than I am, and he played the whole show without an opening act. So much energy! His musicians and back-up singers were stellar.  He even punctuated a couple of his energetic songs with a couple of strait up jumps! I‘ve been listening to his music ever since the concert.

Music brings me comfort, smiles, memories, and sometimes even tears.One of my favorite songs of James Taylor is Fire and Rain about losing a friend. He sang “I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain. Seen sunny days that I thought would never end . . . but I always thought I’d see you one more time again.” My tears from this song came from my pain thinking of his friend’s suicide and his own heroin addiction, as well as the loss of my friend’s hope.

His sweet, positive music is what I love to listen to brightening my day. My main lesson from his music that I have carried throughout my life is to “Shower the people you love with love. Show them the way that you feel. Things are going to be just fine if you only will.” We can all do this. We can hold the hands of friends who are grieving or dealing with loss.  “You’ll feel better right away” when you are there for someone. How Sweet It Is to treat people with love, and to welcome the love they shower right back to you.

Shower yourself with some love by listening to some of your favorite music today and enjoy.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Listen to the Grief and Happiness Podcast here.

My email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here. https://a.co/d/eWNx3j1

The Value of Tears

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Every Sunday the Grief and Happiness Alliance meets on Zoom to write, do happiness practices, and make friends. Last Sunday we wrote about tears. Rev Rachel Hollander, who is the President of  The Grief and Happiness Alliance Nonprofit Organization, wrote this piece that touched me, so I asked if I could share it as the blog for this week. How do tears serve you as you deal with grief?

 

The Value of Tears

By Rev. Rachel Hollander

 

When I need a good cry, I watch one of two (or both!) movies.

Magnolia (1999) and The Wizard of Oz (1939).

Other movies and t.v. shows can bring tears as well, of course.

These two are my absolute go-to’s, though, when I feel like I just want to have a deep, cleansing cry.

Magnolia, for a few reasons. Aside from the film itself (which is magnificent), it is because the memory of my first viewing of it is tied directly to my Jimmy. He brought me to that movie, after he had already seen it, and he sat behind me to “watch me watch it.” And then he sat with me after it was over for the 45 minutes I stayed in my seat and sobbed.

The movie will be forever linked to him. And to us.

Among the many parts of the film that break me open, there’s a particular moment that happens near the end….William H Macy’s character has failed to get the attention of the one he loves, he has failed in his attempt to rob his bosses, and he has literally fallen from grace, smashing his face on the pavement.

Broken and bleeding and finally yielding to tears, he says, “I really do have love to give. I just don’t know where to put it.”

This moment brings me to my knees. Every single time.

With The Wizard of Oz, the tears are tied to childhood, to memory, to what has been lost, to my own Life Pilgrimage. As well as is being so beautifully perfect.

From the opening message that reminds us that the movie is dedicated to “the young at heart,” the tears begin to flow.

And in the final moments when Dorothy tells Toto, “Well, anyway Toto, we’re home. Home.”

I have never watched this movie without sobbing.

Generally, I find crying to be healing. And absolutely necessary.

If I don’t cry on a regular basis, I notice that I will get headaches and I become cranky with the world.

Songs and music (with and without words) are also useful for this kind of release.

It’s what I would describe as: Delicious pain.

 

 

We would be happy for you to come write with us on Sundays too. No charge as the Grief and Happiness Alliance Nonprofit Organizations exisits to serve people who are dealing with grief and loss by dunding our activities.  You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.