Uncategorized

Breathing the Breath of Ram Dass

by

Ram Dass is now a spiritual leader who started out as a prominent Harvard psychologist.  In 1967 he traveled to India and met his guru. This is when his life changed. His guru gave him the name Ram Dass which means Servant of God. He has been guiding people along their spiritual journeys ever since for over 50 years with his basic philosophy: “Be here now.”

Even though Ram Dass suffered a near fatal stroke, he continues to teach and inspire people from all over the world. I knew he lives in Maui, and I set my intention to see him not having any idea of how that could happen.

When I started writing my upcoming book, Fifty-Two Weeks: A Self-Care Guide through the First Year of Grief, I knew I had to have a social media platform and that I needed to become known in order to get a book contract. Since I have been teaching writing at the university level and had written books myself, I saw the logical way for me to become known would be through teaching classes about writing through grief. After I created the courses online, I went to The Death Store in Maui and offered to teach these classes in person. The Death Store is part of the Doorway Into Light non-profit foundation whose mission is to support the end of life and education among other things death related. This led to me becoming the facilitator for the Death Café in Maui, a group that meets once a month to talk about anything related to death. In working with them, I discovered Ram Dass is on their board of directors.

I volunteered to help with one of their events. Ram Dass turned out to be speaking there and my manifestation came true. I was able to be in the room as he spoke. Before he spoke, the large gathering was very noisy and active. When he entered the room, it became totally silent. Though partially paralyzed and in a wheel chair, he never stopped smiling as he spoke and he enjoyed a good laugh. As I stood before him, I was overwhelmed with the thought that we were breathing the same air. This had a profound effect on me.

What I contemplated was that we are all connected in some way. I also breathed the breath of John K. Kennedy, Richard Nixon, and Hilary Clinton at different times in my life, as well as countless people from patients I took care of, to students I have taught, to people in South Africa, Italy, Chile, and many other places I have visited. I breathed the air of those I love and well as strangers. We all breathe in air as we are born, and breathe out air as we leave this earthly existence.  We all share the opportunity to breathe, to smile, and to love.

I chose to experience this breath I share with gratitude for all the life experiences it has brought me. And for knowing that I am still breathing the air where Ron and I lived here in Maui, and that there has to be some of the air his precious breath that I can breathe in and feel his love.

So take a deep breath and feel how connected we all are.

Never Forget

by

Never Forget My Daddy.

Celebrating Veteran’s Day this week, I remember my Daddy who served on a ship in the Philippines during World War II. Mom and Dad were married and had a baby, my sister Linda, when he was called to serve. Our family lived in Porterville, a small central California town, where he returned after the war, and I was born nine years after my sister. Dad became very involved in Veterans affairs. He joined the Veterans’ of Foreign Wars, and Mom joined the VFW Auxiliary. I even became a member of the VFW Junior Auxiliary and am a life member of the VFW Auxiliary in my parents honor.

When I was a teenager, a veteran and his family showed up at our front door wanting to see my father. They had fallen on hard times and had nothing to eat. My parents were at a VFW meeting out of town, so I invited the family in, made them a meal, gave them a bag of groceries from our pantry, and asked them to return to see Dad the next day. My dad was so upset with me when I told him what I had done inviting strangers into the house when he wasn’t home, but he softened when I told him that I just did what I know he would have done.

Dad ultimately became the Department Commander of the VFW for the state of California, the highest state office. In that role he was active nationally even testifying before a Senate sub-committee in Washington DC during the Cold War. Traveling with him at times I had experiences I’ll never forget, including shaking hands with Vice President Nixon, hearing John F. Kennedy speak and getting to touch him afterward, and having dinner with Governor Pat Brown of California. I also met some Hollywood stars along the way.

In Porterville, the biggest holiday of the year is Veteran’s Day. Mom was always the secretary for the parade and the whole family worked on it all year. This year they are celebrating their 100thannual parade. The festivities started with a big prayer meeting honoring all Veterans on Sunday evening at the start of Veteran’s Day week. My dad was the speaker at that event in 1989, and the next day he died of a heart attack. Being the most famous Veteran in town, the rest of the week was a community celebration of my father including a special car driven in the parade with no passenger and a funeral wreath in his honor. His funeral was the biggest I’ve ever seen.

Being a Veteran in that small town still is a big deal, and the Veterans are honored. Porterville has the largest loss of life per capita for the Vietnam War, so we all knew the pride and honor of knowing those serving our country, and the loss and grief of our friends and family members. Seeing a homeless Veteran breaks my heart. We can do better. When given the opportunity, I hope we all, including our government, will do what we can to take care of our Veterans in honor for their service, and in honor of all of us still grieving the loss of so many.

Never Forget.

 

As Time Goes By

by

This morning Michelle asked me if we ever stop grieving. I responded that we don’t, but it does soften into a beautiful part of our lives instead of a constant pain.

When each of my husbands died, I lost track of space and time, and I don’t remember how long that lasted. Gradually, time started creeping back in to perspective. I would have an appointment to go to or pressing business that had to be attended, so slowly I became aware of time. I began to remember what day of the week it was. As odd as that sounds to me now, I realize I was out of sync with the world around me.

At first, I would think to myself, he died four days ago, or last week, or twelve days ago. Then I realized I was counting in weeks. I remembered when my babies were little and their short lives we measured first in days, then weeks, then months, and eventually years. That’s how it goes after the death of a loved one, too. 

On September eighth of this year, I realized that I hadn’t thought about September 4 which would have been thirteen months since Ron left. At first I felt guilty at my failure to remember. After I beat myself up a little, I woke up and knew that I haven’t forgotten him, that I had just started expanding my life to think of something else too, and that was good.

My father died in 1989. Although that was almost thirty years ago, I still grieve him, but gently. Veteran’s Day, November 11, was always his favorite holiday as he fought in World War II and was very active in the Veterans of Foreign Wars. So every time I see someone with a VFW cap on or see a buddy poppy or hear that national anthem, I remember my Dad, how proud he was, and how proud I was of him. This is a softer kind of grief. When you can reflect on your loved one and smile, and instead of pain, you remember love.

The fresher your grief, the more your heart aches. And as time goes by, that ache will transform to a smile. 

0 to 60 in 19 Days!

by

I learned about the importance of moving my body after I stopped. For a long time before Ron died, his mobility was limited because of his health. I stayed close to him to help as needed, so my mobility became limited, too. Then when he died, I pretty much stopped moving all together. I had no desire to get out of bed for a while. Then I graduated to the couch. The less I moved, the less able I was to move. I finally got to the point that going shopping for food was almost impossible. Thank goodness for those little motor carts!

So, after about 6 months, I said to myself, “This is ridiculous! I don’t want to live this way! So when my health insurance sent me a free membership to the gym, I took it as a sign and enrolled. I wanted motivation, so I signed up for a personal trainer. Drew is fabulous. He assessed the level of exercise I could do and gradually increased my activity each time I went. I was so weak when I started that this was a long process. I was dismayed by the shape I was in, but I was determined not to give up.

I learned of a trip I could go on to Tuscany with an organization I belonged to. It was about six months away, so I signed up for it as my goal to be physically able to go. I did go to the doctor to make sure that I was OK and got the green light to get in shape. The gym wasn’t easy. Each visit I felt like I was barely doing anything, but it wore me out. Having Drew as a cheer leader really helped me, though.

About three weeks before my trip, I came down with bronchitis and was so sick I couldn’t work out. I was still determined and took good care of myself and when my travel date arrived, I set my mind to just do it!  I had no idea how much walking was actually entailed in the trip, and I chose to just not focus on it.  When we needed to walk, I just walked. No one else was walking very slowly or taking breaks, so neither did I. And in the 19 days of the trip, I went from not walking at all to a total of 60 miles according to my iPhone.  I was terribly tired in the evenings, but I did sleep well.

When I returned home, I felt better than I had in years. The walking was so good for me, and I have a regular walking routine now in addition to going to the gym. And Drew is amazed with my progress at the gym, and I am experiencing beautiful places on Maui I hadn’t seen before. I feel so good, and I am so grateful that I didn’t give in to how I was feeling in my grief, and I didn’t give up.

So my message here is please take care of yourself. Whatever shape you are in emotionally or physically, you can do better and it feels so good when you do!

What Does Eating Have to Do With Grief?

by

Picture your absolutely favorite food. What does it smell like? What does it look like? What does it taste like? Imagine sitting at your table beautifully set and that perfect food before you. Place one bite in your mouth. Savor it. Experience what it feels like in your mouth. Gently swallow that bite. And sit for a moment, seeing what is left of your severing before you. Enjoy the taste lingering in your mouth. Take a deep breath. Smile at your pleasure. Then take another small bite and enjoy the experience all over again.

So many times we eat whatever is available, and we eat in a rush.  While that may deal with an immediate problem of hunger or not having the time to eat, it doesn’t usually serve us. Eating is one of the most important things we do for ourselves and much too frequently, we just don’t pay attention. 

In transitioning through the process of grieving, eating challenges often happen. Either we eat mindlessly maybe while sitting in front of the television and eating a whole bag of potato chips or a whole package of cookies. Or maybe we just can’t stand the thought of putting something in our mouths or of entering the kitchen where we used to enjoy preparing meals for our loved one. Whatever our eating challenge may be, now is a good time to pay attention to it.

What is your relationship with food right now? Could it be better? Food is the fuel that serves us to strengthen and heal our bodies, the energy that allows us to survive and take care of ourselves. Eating well is a huge step in recognizing the importance of taking care of our bodies and in turn our souls.

Try an experiment. What food do you keep in your kitchen? Is it healthy food? Is it highly processed? What kinds of foods do you like to eat? Considering all that, make a list of the food you would really like to eat for the next few days. Choose things that are fresh and not processed. If you don’t already have these foods in your kitchen or garden, go shopping. Buy produce that is labeled as local, or better yet, go to a farmer’s market. At this point, only focus on the new few days. Overbuying can be overwhelming both to your budget and your energy.

Plan when you are going to eat the food you have chosen. Waiting till your really hungry causes you to pick up something that is easy and eat to much of it. So plan the times you want to eat that will fit best with your schedule. And  if your challenge has been not eating, be sure to eat something at those times you have planned. In either case, eat a reasonable amount. Take time while you are eating to savor your food. And after you have eaten, clean up right away. Dirty dishes in the sink are unappetizing and lead to making poor eating choices to just eat something easy and processed or not eat at all. Plus cleaning up right away is much easier and keeps your home in order which is helpful in the transition process. 

Eating consciously is a big step in the grief transformation process. Try it and see what happens. Let me know how it works out for you. I am here to help in your grief transformation process.

Real Scary Stories: The Importance of Friends

by

 

We all have friends, some more than others.  We talk to some of our friends every day. Other close friends can go for years without being in touch, but when they reconnect, it’s just like no time has passed. When we get to the point where we live alone, friends are more important than ever, not just for commandry, but to help keep us alive.

 

I’ve known three people who would not have lived if friends didn’t come to their rescue. Vicky lived alone, and when she went to walk in the park across the street from her home, she fell and broke her hip. Amazingly, she laid in the park for over 8 hours, much of that time unconscious. People must have walked by and ignored her thinking that she was just a sleeping, homeless old lady.  When she was conscious, she cried out for help, but no one stopped. Finally, a friend of hers recognized her and called an ambulance.

 

Mary went to play bridge one night with friends. One friend gave her a ride home and dropped her off in front of her house before she drove away. Mary opened her automatic garage door, and when she was walking in underneath it, the door malfunctioned and came down, trapping her underneath it with a broken hip. Her friend who was on her way home said she had a feeling that something wasn’t right, so she returned to Mary’s house and called for help when she found her.

 

My mother, who lived 50 miles away, came to spend the Thanksgiving holiday with us. We had a great time and went shopping while she was visiting. She bought a new electric blanket because she said at night she got so cold since Daddy had died. Mom had played bridge on Tuesday mornings with the same group of friends for over 50 years. The Tuesday after Thanksgiving, mom didn’t show up for their game, so her friends called the business that mom owned that was close to her house to have someone check on her since she didn’t answer the phone. They found her on the floor of her bedroom where she had been since Sunday night when she fell trying to put that new blanket on her bed. She was still alive and had not broken anything, but she was dehydrated and disoriented and had to be hospitalized. Had her friends not called when they did, she may not have lived.

 

These stories terrify me. I do not tell them to scare you but to remind you of the importance of human contact especially when you live alone. Don’t isolate yourself. Find people to talk to on a regular basis. Find activities to do with friends. And always keep your cell phone with you to call someone if you need help. If yoi don’t live alone, be sure to keep in contact with friends who do.

 

Keep in touch with your friends. Develop your own Ohana, the Hawaiian word for family. Find ways of being together on a regular basis like sharing meals, playing games, or volunteering to do something you all enjoy. Life is so much better when shared.